Be Careful What You Wish For (13 page)

Chapter Twenty

ONCE I FIGURED out how Kage settled into my life around work and school (and I learned to keep up with those priorities without denying me my hot sexy man), we began to settle into a routine.  Wednesday and Thursday nights we spent apart.  I also gave him his Saturday and Sunday afternoons.  I heard the word
Yoko
come out of Diesel’s mouth once, and that was all it took.  I was
not
going to get in between Kage and his buddies.

But the rest of the time—when neither of us was working and I wasn’t in class—he was mine.  I managed to get studying in, even though I knew I wasn’t devoting as much time to it as I should have.

One night he was lying next to me in my bed and I was tracing the tattoos on his chest as I often did.  That pretty one, the one that said “Forged,” had captured my imagination long ago, and I wondered if he’d done it simply because he worked for the steel mill.  Maybe it was a rite of initiation for new guys there.  I didn’t know, but I was finally curious enough to ask what it symbolized to him.  “Did you get this tattoo when you started at the mill?”

He raised his head enough to see which one I was tracing. 
“Yeah.”

“So tell me about it.”

He smiled but he closed his eyes again, so I started tracing the cursive
F
.  “I’ve learned more about steel in the last few years than I would have ever dreamed of.  The first few months I was there, I started thinking about how steel reminded me of my life.  We don’t actually
forge
steel at the mill, but it got me to thinking—I wanted to learn all I could about my job, so I read up on the whole process.  And my boss at the time, a guy who retired a couple of years ago, took me out to lunch one day.  I’d only been there a couple of months, but he told me he saw ‘something’ in me.  I asked what it was.  He told me he’d seen a lot of kids start at the mill over the years, and he’d learned to tell who had what it took to stick it out.  He said some kids just had the stick-to-it-iveness.”  Kage chuckled softly, enough that I felt the motion on my head.  “He asked me a little about me, about my life, and when I told him, he said I was someone who’d been forged—I’d passed through the fires, been beaten down, and it made me strong.  He said, ‘Son, men aren’t made.  They’re forged’.”  Kage was quiet for a few moments, but I could feel the pause in the air.  He wanted to say more.  “I liked that, because I felt that way too.  I had a shitty childhood, Jessica, but for some stupid reason, I have hope.  I’ve always had hope.”  He sat up then and took my face in his hands.  “And I didn’t have a great life after growing up, either.  Fay made sure of that.  I feel so weird now, so strange, and I wonder if it’s because I’ve never known what that odd thing called
happiness
feels like.”  His eyes searched mine, and I felt breathless.  “All I know is I feel alive with you.  I feel hope.  I
want
to see what tomorrow will bring, and it’s not just me hanging onto my dreams.  That used to be how I made it through life—my dreams pulled me through.  They’re still there, yeah, but I feel something inside me even without grabbing onto the dream.”  I swallowed.  His eyes were so intense.  “It’s
you
, Jessica.  You.  You’ve shown me something I’d never believed in before, helped me see there’s more to life than just that dream.  I can
feel
something…positive.”

God.
  It was like being hit by the water that had been held back by a dam, the force of his words on my heart.  Kage still hadn’t told me his entire background, probably never would, and yet I knew it rivaled my own for worst childhood experiences.  He said he’d always had hope.  I knew that.  I suppose I had hope too, but nothing like Kage.  He helped me find that inside me, helped me appreciate life for what it was day to day.  Before that, I’d just judged my life based upon the milestones I’d reached and the ones ahead of me. 
Those
were success.  Those could be my substitute for happiness.

Not anymore. 
Kage could and would be those things and more.

After he kissed me, he looked in my eyes again.  I still felt overwhelmed, but he said, “So I got that tattoo to remind me that I was forged.  I could have stayed a melted blob of iron, feeding on that hot hate, or I could have let myself be beaten down for good.  Instead, I was forged to be who I am today.”  I could see it then, something in his eyes I’d never seen before, a vulnerable part of him.  “This is me, all of me, and I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for the shit in the past.”  He took a deep breath, as if getting his bearings and assessing his situation.  His voice was lower when he said, “I love you, Jessica, and I can see it in you, that you feel the same way.  And I know you were forged too.  I think that’s what draws me to you.”

This man…this was the Kage that I knew hardly anyone had ever seen.  In fact, I doubted Fay had ever seen this side of him.  If she had, she’d stomped on it and made him hide it away.  But I didn’t think he’d ever shared this piece of himself with her before, because I didn’t see how she would be able to hate him like she so obviously did if she’d seen how beautiful he was inside.  I had no words.  All I had was a kiss…and my heart.

* * *

So we had our routine.  We had our planned times together and planned times apart, and, as spring approached, it seemed to work well.  I found myself falling more and more in love with Kage every day, and my life—my mind, my heart—became more inextricably entwined with his.

He came by on Monday afternoon one week a little unexpectedly.  If I didn’t work, he would typically come by later that evening and spend the night.  But he wanted to let me know he had something going on and was going to have to miss our time together.
  If he hadn’t acted so weird about it, I wouldn’t have given it another thought.

But he was acting very strange.  When I asked him if everything was okay, he said it was but wouldn’t elaborate and said he had to go.  He kissed me, but I could tell he was distracted.  Something was going on, and it upset me that he didn’t trust me enough to tell me.

So, when he left, I watched him through the window and then decided to do something very not like me.  I grabbed my coat and purse and walked out the door.  It was still early March, so dusk was settling in and I thought I could get away with following him, especially if it was only for a while.  The streets around my apartment were busy, so I wasn’t worried about it.  If he figured out later that I was following him, I’d deal with it.

He was pulling out of the small parking lot in front of my apartment building by the time I reached my car.  If he looked in his rearview mirror, he might see me, but I was going to take a chance.  I thought maybe his distractedness would make it easier for me to follow.

It didn’t take long for me to catch up to him, but I kept enough of a distance that, I thought, he wouldn’t notice my car.  Even better when a car pulled in front of me.  He drove into the Belmont division of east Pueblo, taking a few winding turns, and I was afraid I might lose him.  Still, I was a little familiar with that area of town and decided to not speed up to catch him, because then he’d definitely see me.  If he hadn’t noticed me behind him, I would be okay, and since he wasn’t on a main road going through the area, I was convinced he was almost to his destination.

As I rounded the bend, I discovered I was right.  He had just pulled over in front of a light blue house.  Oh, shit.  If I kept driving, I’d surely be caught.  So I pulled over and slid my car behind another just two houses away.  That too would be obvious if he was paying attention, but
I thought there would be no way he wouldn’t recognize my car if I drove by him just as he was getting out of his truck.  At least parking a little ways behind him, I had a chance.

I watched him walk around his truck and onto the sidewalk as he made his way toward the front of the house.  There was a hedge between the two homes that made it impossible for me to see him.  I
needed
to see him and try to figure out what he was doing.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking.  What a bimbo—desperate, untrusting, snoopy.  Yes, I suppose I was all of those things, but his behavior that evening had been so uncharacteristic.

Stupid or not, I got out of my car and made my way down the sidewalk until I made it to the hedge separating the house where Kage had gone and the house next door.

I had to maneuver a bit to find a spot where I could see a little through the branches of the hedge.  It wasn’t completely dark out yet, so I didn’t want to chance peeking around the hedge and being seen.

Kage stood at the door of the house, waiting for someone to answer it.  The lights were on, so I knew someone was inside.

I felt the blood drain from my face when the person who answered the door was none other than
Kage’s wife, the icy blonde bitch known as Fay.

Chapter Twenty-one

I COULDN’T HEAR a word Kage and Fay were saying to each other as I stood in the cold behind that hedge.  I tried.  And I made the attempt not to be paranoid, but what the fuck was he doing talking to his wife…or supposedly soon-to-be ex?  They didn’t seem to be angry or hateful with each other.  Fay looked a little perturbed and impatient, but she was listening.

Oh, God.  Was he trying to get back with her?  Had I been just a little fling?

My heart sunk as I watched her talk with him.  She wasn’t angry.  A little upset, yes, but she wasn’t turning him away.  I wished I could hear their voices.

I imagined their conversation. 
Kage was apologizing for cheating on her with that tempting little hottie and now he was returning to his wife, his tail tucked between his legs, all sad and pathetic and telling her he could never live without her, no matter all the sweet, dreamy things he’d said to me while he’d basked in post-lovemaking endorphins.  And she was giving him the requisite cold shoulder, making him work for it, making him beg.  She wasn’t going to give into him easily, even though this episode of cheating had been her fault.

For spying and attempting to eavesdrop, p
art of me felt guilty, but the rest of me?  I was furious.  But that was hiding a horrible hurt that I knew would go deep.  It was then that I realized I had fallen for Kage harder than I’d ever fallen for any other man.  He meant more to me than anyone ever had.  But I had already known that.  He had felt like my soulmate, so, of course, my feelings for him were strong.

And that was why I was feeling so hurt and betrayed.

I took a deep breath, not even noticing the chilled air at first, and I tried to turn away.  I noticed the cold when the hot tears stung my cheeks.  That was when I heard Kage, though, because he raised his voice.  “I don’t know why you have to be such a fucking bitch, Fay.  I don’t know what you get out of it.”

“You cheating bastard.  You really have no idea why I’m a bitch?”
  Yeah, I was right.  He’d been trying to get back with her.

More tears.

He lowered his voice again so I couldn’t hear what he said, but I could tell he was pissed.  Then she said, at the top of her lungs, “If you don’t get the fuck out of here right now, I’m gonna call the cops.  Don’t think I won’t get a restraining order, you asshole.”

I strained but still couldn’t hear his voice.  He leaned in close to her and I imagined a growl through his teeth—either that or one last plea to take him back.  I saw her pull her cell phone out of her back pocket and hold it up.  “I’m calling the cops,
Kage.”

I
did
hear his next words.  “Fuck it.  I’m leaving.”

“Good.  And don’t come back,
dickhead.  You’re not welcome here.”

He turned around and I saw his face.  I’d never seen him so angry.  And then I was fully aware and in the moment.  I was there,
right
there, and I wasn’t ready to face him.  So I turned on my heel and started marching toward my car, hoping I could get inside before he spotted me.  I hoped I was far enough away from the spray of Fay’s front porch light and the street light a few yards from my car that he wouldn’t see me.

I wasn’t fast enough, though.  I heard his voice.  “Jessica?  What the hell are you doing here?”  I didn’t hear the anger in his voice that he’d used with Fay.  He sounded confused instead.

Part of me wanted to keep walking, to never look back.  But something in me made me stop.  I
wanted
to stop.  Even though I felt buried under the weight of the world and I would never be able to breathe again, I wanted him to tell me it was okay, that it had all been my imagination.  I would love a beautiful lie.

What was his band’s name again?  Oh, yeah. 
Pretty Little Lies.  I wanted one of those.

I turned around, unable to ignore his voice or pretend like I hadn’t heard it.  He knew it was me.  Yeah, I could signal my displeasure by continuing to ignore him, but that would only drag out the matter.  Better to get it over with—let the wound gush, sew it up, and move on.
  So I turned around and hoped he wouldn’t be able to tell in the semi-dark that I’d been crying.  He asked again, “What are you doing here?”

I searched his eyes
as he got closer to me, swallowing hard and forcing back the tears.  I could have lied to him.  Yeah, sure, but I wouldn’t have been able to think of a good lie anyway.  Why was my breathing so shallow?  I made myself take a deep breath before saying the words.  Still…they came out one at a time, difficult to put together.  I instead wanted to bury my face in his neck and pretend like what I’d just seen hadn’t happened.  I thought back, back to a time when my mom had been dating a real creep.  She’d thought the planet revolved around him, and she’d caught him cheating on her with her best friend.  And my stupid mom—Jesus.  She’d taken him back.  After that, he cheated on her all the time, because he knew she’d take him back.

He wound up marrying her friend.

I made my mind wrap around that image, the one of mom sucking down a cigarette, a half-filled bottle of vodka dangling from her hand, slurring her words while she leaned against the door jamb, staring out the screen door.  She kept saying, “That sumbitch.  But that sumbitch was
my
sumbitch…stolen by that skanky, no good for nothin’, crabs-infested whore.”

I would
not
be my mother.  So I made myself feel the cold around me, and I wrapped it around my body like a shawl.  I swallowed again and said, “You were acting strange when you came by my apartment, Kage.”  I took an uneven but controlled breath.  “And now I know why.”

He frowned.  “What?  What are you talking about?”

Really?  Now he was going to pretend I was stupid?  “What did you come over here for?”

His face contorted.  First, I saw confusion, then anger, then sympathy.  There was also worry in his eyes.  “I’ve told you about
Flynt, right?”  I had to stop and think, and just as I remembered, he reminded me anyway.  “Fay’s little brother.  One of his friends texted me tonight that Flynt’s girlfriend broke up with him.  Yeah, I realize that doesn’t seem like a big thing, but apparently the kid’s gone off the deep end.  They’re worried about him and can’t find him anywhere.  I thought he might be hiding at home or Fay might know where he disappeared to.”

I wanted to believe him.  I nodded.  But I couldn’t say anything.

“I need to try to find him.  It wouldn’t be the first time he’s tried something stupid.”

I nodded again.  “Okay.  I hope he’s okay.”

“So do I.”  He kissed me then, and it made me feel better.

I got in my car as he got in his truck.  It was after he drove away that I wondered why I didn’t ask to see the text from
Flynt’s friend.  I could have even offered to go along with him.  But I hadn’t said a word.

Maybe I was turning into my mother.

* * *

The next day, though,
Kage called and told me he’d found Flynt.  The kid had been in the baseball bleachers at East High.  Kage said he’d been smoking some weed and feeling sorry for himself, but he hadn’t done anything completely stupid.  He’d had Flynt spend the night in his bed at Mark’s house while Kage had slept on the couch.  He said he didn’t trust Fay to take care of Flynt properly, especially when he was in that condition.

And the rest of the week was like normal. 
Kage was loving and sweet and attentive…and I tried to forget my feelings of mistrust.  Kage hadn’t done anything else to make me doubt—but it was hovering there in the back of my mind.  I didn’t know how long it would be for me to feel secure in our relationship.  Maybe I never would.

A week later, I got to go to their concert.  It
was the Saturday before spring break, and I was excited to watch the guys.  It was at a little venue downtown, and Kage invited me to ride with him and Mark in Mark’s truck.  Jason and Diesel would meet them there.

Kage
was a hot guy—muscular without being overdone, plenty of tats, long hair, gorgeous green eyes, and the cutest expressions—but then he went and upped the ante.  For his concert, he put on eyeliner and I thought I was going to die.  Lots of guys couldn’t pull it off, but, my God, Kage could.

They finished setting up and then
Kage took my hand, leading me to the bar.  They had about half an hour before their show started, and he asked for two shots of tequila.  He asked if I wanted anything, and I just asked for a glass of water.  I wanted to be stone cold sober when I watched him play.

With each shot, he licked the salt off the back of his hand that he’d placed there and followed each one with a bite of lime.  I’d seen him drink a shot of tequila straight, but he tended to like it the traditional way.  After he drank both shots and took the lime wedge out of his mouth, he pulled me into an intoxicating kiss.  What a rush.  I could taste the tequila and lime and the flavor of
Kage behind it, and I felt aroused.

Now was not the time, but that’s what he did to me.

And, just as before, in spite of the doubts and insecurities in the back of my mind, I trusted him.

My hands wrapped around the sides of his leather jacket as though wanting to possess him and never let him go.  “I can’t wait to watch you live.”

He grinned, pressing his forehead into mine.  “You’ve seen me live.”

“Yeah, in a basement.
  I want to see you in front of this crowd.  I want to see the way you and your band feed off the energy of the audience.  I bet you’re even better onstage.”

“You just
wanna fuck a rock star.”

I laughed and shrugged, trying to look impish.  “I already have.”  He looked confused at first, until I added, “You, silly.”

He laughed then too.  “Nah.  I’m still just a steelworker, babe.”

I circled my finger on his neck just below his Adam’s apple.  “Not for long,
Kage Youngblood.”

He trailed his hands down my back to just above my ass, holding me tightly against him.  “You are so good for my ego.”  He kissed me again.  “And that’s why I love you, Jessica Osborn.”

I sensed rather than saw his bandmates get closer.  I did
not
want to be called
Yoko
again.  And, really, didn’t John Lennon fucking blossom after she stole him from the Beatles?

That would be heresy, and I’d never say it out loud, but the energy from his friends wavered.  Sometimes they were positive and
seemed like good guys, and other times, they were downright assholes to me.  I knew they blamed me for wrecking Kage’s marriage, and it wasn’t my place to correct them, but the whole shtick was getting old.  It was like Kage had said—his marriage had already ended.  I was just the straw on the camel’s back that had caused it to break.

Or was I?  Had
Kage in fact been cheating on his wife the whole time and he and I just clicked?

And, if he had, was it just a matter of time before he was cheating on me?

Oh, God, I had to quit thinking that way.  It was tearing me up inside.

It was…but I had no idea how to stop.