Be Careful What You Wish For (9 page)

It would have been a very lonely life.

Chapter Thirteen

MY HEAD WAS
buried in my past, and I marveled at how my choices had brought me into Kage’s arms.  The reflection had made me quiet, though.  Kage touched the middle of my forehead with his index finger.  “Penny for your thoughts.”

I smiled.  I hadn’t heard that phrase in a long time.  It was one my grandpa had used a lot, and then he’d urge me to give my “two cents’ worth.”  He’d chuckle then, telling me he had doubled his money in that short amount of time.  But I looked at
Kage, his green eyes burning through me.  He always seemed so intense, even when his voice was quiet and tender, as though he had to do everything in life at one hundred and ten percent.  I loved that.  It was a passion for life, a zeal I had never had, not with my
fuck-it-all
attitude.  A guy like Kage—I could see how he could change my life for the better.  He could help me find that silver lining I was often too pissed off or cynical to look for.

Kage
could help me love life.

And that was in spite of the fact that I was beginning to suspect he’d had as bad, if not worse, a childhood than I’d had. 
He wore a mask, one of quiet solitude, but as I was getting to know the man inside, I was discovering that he had so much to share.  How had he stayed with Fay so long, considering he was day to her night?  It made no sense.

No, that wasn’t true.  The man that life had shaped
Kage into also made him the sweet guy who wanted to nurture Fay’s brother, so much so that he sacrificed his own happiness.  It made my heart ache just thinking about it.

So I smiled at him, this man whose soul ran deep, this man I was beginning to love more than I’d ever thought possible when considering my
Grinchy heart.  I knew I could tell him anything, and yet I had no idea how or where to start.  “There’s nothing spectacular about my childhood.  Believe me.”

His finger traced the side of my face along the hairline down to my jaw.  “I doubt that.  Your childhood helped shape who you are today.”

I shrugged.  “Let’s just say I’m happy to be
here
.”

He smiled.  “I’m happy you’re here
, too.”

I lay down on the bed and rested my head on the pillow
, pulling the blanket over my legs and torso to warm my body up again.  “I grew up with a mother who didn’t care much about me.  She and my dad got divorced when I was little.  I can’t even remember when they were together.  But I do know there were two other things more important to my mom than me—her boyfriend, whoever that happened to be at the time, and my little sister.  It was always clear to me that I wasn’t high on mom’s list of priorities.”

Kage
frowned and lay next to me.  He ran his hand over my hair and I closed my eyes, relishing the feel.  But he didn’t say a word.  “I tried so hard.  And every once in a while, she’d act proud of me for something I did.  That just encouraged me to try harder.  It made me realize how desperate I was for her love and affection…the attention I hardly ever got.  And, because of that, I believe I’d probably be just like her if it wasn’t for the English teacher I had my freshman year in high school.  Mrs. Cone—she saw something in me and nurtured it.  Thanks to her attention and encouragement that first year in high school, I took her creative writing class.  And my junior year, she talked me into taking the ACT test and she helped me apply for scholarships my senior year.  If I hadn’t gone to college, I’d probably be living in the trailer next to my mom, waiting tables and barely dodging a pregnancy bullet.”

Kage’s
eyes searched mine.  “You really think so?”

“I do.  My mom didn’t give a shit about school.  Neither did dad.  I think my grandma and grandpa thought it was a great idea, but they didn’t live close to us.  They really didn’t have a lot of influences over my life choices.  Mrs. Cone, though…I knew she cared.  I knew she wanted to see me succeed, and instead of trying to make my mom proud, I started trying to make Mrs. Cone proud.  She’s the one who told me I needed to go to college, to
make a better life for myself.”

“Do you feel like you have?”

“Oh, God, Kage.  You have no idea.”  I blinked a couple of times.  How much should I tell him?  I trusted him.  I just didn’t know if he wanted to hear it all.  So I decided I’d tell him a little, enough to give him a taste of what I was missing.  “Like I said, my mom was all about my little sister.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Jennifer.  But she’s spoiled and she has my mom wrapped around her finger.  She always got what she wanted.  Part of me was okay with that.  I love my sister and have tried not to let it bother me.  And it doesn’t now that I’m not around it and can’t see it.  But every once in a while, my mom managed to find a real winner of a boyfriend—now and then, one of them would be particularly abusive, usually verbally.  There were a couple of grabby guys too, ones who I guess thought I was part of a package deal.  But I’d tell my dad, and that’s when he’d usually come in handy.  I know dad loved me, but he wasn’t part of my life.  I don’t know if it was because he was avoiding mom or maybe, because he couldn’t always afford child support, maybe he thought he wasn’t worthy to spend time with me.  I have no idea.  But I don’t miss the dysfunction that was my family.  And I love school.  I feel like my brain has grown.”  I saw the amused look in his eyes.  “Seriously.  I can’t tell you how many times I sit in some of my classes and we’re talking theory…and I’m surrounded by so many academics who just blow me away and make me feel stupid in comparison.  But then I’ll write a paper that I know is worthy and I look back at my high school years and know that I’m way smarter than I used to be.”

He smiled.  “Smarter?  Or have you just gained more knowledge?”

Ah…that was one of the things I was growing to love about this man.  He wasn’t just a pretty face.  There was so much behind those eyes.  That question—it said so much.  I didn’t know if he was referring to his own street smarts and common sense.  I did know that there was no animosity behind the question.  But I considered it.  “Well, maybe a little of both.  I definitely know more than I did a few years ago.  But I feel smarter too, like I can analyze things better than I used to.  I try to consider all the facts.”  Except when it came to my emotions.  I remembered how I’d felt about Kage the day before, worried and jealous and sick to the pit of my stomach.  Maybe when my emotions became involved, I had little control.  I didn’t want to say that, though.  I didn’t need him thinking I was another crazy woman latching onto him.  I stroked his chest with my fingers.  “But enough about me.  Tell me about this band of yours.”

“What do you want to know?”

I grinned.  “I want to know the next time you have a concert.  I want to see you play.”

“We don’t play nearly as much as we should.  But we have a show next month.”

“Where?”

“Here in Pueblo, for a change.  Usually we have to go to Denver or the
Springs to play.”  I knew, now that I’d lived in Pueblo for several years, that
the
Springs meant Colorado Springs, a larger city north of Pueblo, less than an hour away.  Pueblo was a decent-sized city, but Colorado Springs had a larger population, and that probably translated to bigger crowds.

“Do you care if I watch?”

“The show?”

“Yeah.”

“I’d love that.”

I bit my lower lip and traced his nipple again like I had been earlier.  My voice was low when I said, “I bet you’re hot as hell onstage.”

He smiled and took a deep breath.  “You trying to make me feel self-conscious about being up there?”

I grinned back and looked in his eyes.  “I think you’re hot as hell no matter what you do.”  That was all it took for him to take me in his arms once more to make sweet love to me.  By the time we were finished, I was ready to sleep, but I rolled over and turned on my iPod
, nested in its dock, so we could listen to music while we dreamed.  And my dreams were of him, no doubt because I was in his arms all night.

* * *

I awoke early afternoon, only because I heard Steph and Lindsey talking in the kitchen.  I glanced at the clock next to the bed.  It was a little after one.  I rolled over so I could face Kage and kissed his chest.  I didn’t know what plans he had for the day, but I had lots of reading to do and a paper to write, not to mention another shift at the bar.

I decided to let him sleep, but I padded to the kitchen wearing the t-shirt from the night before and my fuzzy black slippers.  Oh, and panties.  I didn’t want my roomies to see my
cootch.  I’m pretty sure they appreciated my thoughtfulness.

“Morning,” I said, making my way to the coffee pot.

“
Afternoon
,” Lindsey corrected.  She had a history textbook on the table in front of her, but it was shut tight.

Steph
, normally quiet about those sorts of things said, “Holy shit, Jessica.  Sounded like you had a great time last night.”

I was pouring creamer in my coffee and turned around, my eyebrows halfway up my forehead, a huge grin on my face. 
“Oh, my God, Steph.  You didn’t just say that!”  Lindsey was giggling, a look of shock on her own face too.

“I think I need to get myself a boyfriend
too.  I might settle for the battery-operated kind.”

Lindsey laughed even harder and said, “You did
not
just say that!”

I was speechless for one of the first times in my life. 
Steph was a great gal—we loved her—but she was the timid one of the bunch.  In fact, she’d been an ABD student for over a year, and Lindsey and I were beginning to think she’d never finish.

Oh, ABD.  That’s
All But Dissertation
.  The woman had finished her coursework well over a year earlier and was now just working a job and working on her thesis.  Frankly, the thought scared me, that I’d get to that point and then never get my master’s degree because I’d choke, unable to write the biggest paper of my life.  I knew Steph was working on it, conducting research and such, but I didn’t want to be in school forever.  I wanted there to be a definite end to my studies.

I couldn’t think that way.  I
would
finish.  I had to.  Steph had never seemed to be in a hurry about anything.  She and I were very different.  In fact, Lindsey was the one who had invited Steph to a roommate before I had moved in.  I liked Steph okay, though.  I’d never had any problems with her.

But yeah…for now, she was ABD.  It was a derisive term used by degree holders, the ones who’d managed to cross the finish line.  They were the pretentious snobs who put the letters after their names so they’d feel like their education was worth the effort and money.  You know, John Smith, MA, or Sally Reed, MBA.  The most obvious (and arguably the one that deserved it) was Robert Jones, PhD.  But for those who had managed to finish the coursework but had choked when it came to writing their thesis, they would be the sad ABDs.  For now, that was
Steph:  Stephanie Cook, ABD.

“There’s something to be said
for BOB,” I said before taking a sip of my coffee.

“
BOB?
” Steph asked.

“Yeah,
your Battery-Operated Boyfriend.  The only time he’ll let you down is when his batteries have died, and that’s not really
his
fault.”  Steph blushed when I said that.  I thought it was doubly funny, considering she was studying psychology.  She’d have to get used to human behavior if she planned to study it.

Lindsey finished laughing and said, “Seriously, Jessica?  I thought you’d sworn off men forever after Robb.  I thought BOB was going to be your boyfriend forever.”

I laughed and sat in one of the chairs.  I hadn’t meant to have a girl chat, but they’d pulled me in.  “Yeah, so did I.  But that was before Kage.”

“
Kage?
”

I nodded and Lindsey feigned fanning herself.
  I smiled.  “I have never felt this way about any guy.  There’s something about him…”

Lindsey grinned. 
“Big dick?”

I smiled and shook my head.  “
You won’t hear me complaining, but in all seriousness…he feels like someone I’ve known forever.”

Steph
raised her eyebrows and Lindsey asked, “So what does that mean?”

I stood up and pushed the chair in, then grabbed my coffee.  “That means I think he
really is my boyfriend.”

“Ooh.”  And, speaking of that boyfriend, I wanted to go snuggle up next to him.  Or, if he was still sleeping, I was going to do some studying.

“Later, ladies,” I said, sauntering off toward my bedroom.  I heard them giggling, and one of them whispered that she couldn’t wait to see what he looked like, but I missed the rest as I got closer to my room.

I’d left the door open a crack, and I realized he might have overheard our entire conversation.  Well, I supposed that wouldn’t matter.  It wasn’t like I’d been hiding my feelings for him anyway.

I closed the door behind me and walked toward the bed.  Kage stretched and rolled onto his back when he heard the click of the door latch.  He opened his eyes to look at me.  “I thought only Fay and her bunch talked about sex.  I didn’t realize all women are like that.”