Blackness Within (15 page)

Natasha

I’m dragging my feet worse today than yesterday. I woke up when Sully quietly opened the bedroom door and took Zeus with him. I pretended to be asleep until I was certain he had left the wing.

Yesterday was…different. I saw something in Sully I wasn’t sure existed for the people outside of his family.

Care.

He cared for me yesterday. He was attentive and kind. The cocky, mouthy guy was still there, but he was sweet. And that sucked me in. I believed it. I believed he was that man and I hesitated to pull away from his warm breath whispering across my cheek as I kissed his stubbled face in a moment of gratitude.

Big. Fucking. Mistake.

He basically told me to stop teasing him. He was just keeping me safe not taking me to bed. What a foolish moment for me. I know better.

“I know better,” I grumble to Junior, who beams a wide smile at me.

He gets it.

I can’t stay up here locked away in Sully’s wing all day. His roommates or friends or family, whatever he calls them, are here and probably wondering why I’m hiding.

The truth?

I’m embarrassed. I’m scared. I’m tired. I’m lost.

I need a plan to get out of this house, get the baby safe while keeping Blake out of harm’s way and myself for that matter.

With that goal in mind, I step out of the cocoon of Sully’s wing and make my way toward the great room. I’m in black yoga pants, a thin white tank and a dark eggplant hoodie. I want to be relaxed and my clothes reflect that. Being on the run is not a fashion show.

I stop at the top of the stairs and take in the great room full of strangers, though they’re all slightly familiar. None of them notice me until Zeus gives me away. He hops up off the floor in front of the glowing orange and amber fire, bounding up the stairs. I crouch to give him a good rub, feeling less alone with him at my side.

When I right myself on my feet, I have the full attention of everyone in the room, Sully’s gaze burning holes through me. More like a tractor beam dragging me to him. I mindlessly descend the stairs only stopping a few feet from him. He closes the gap quickly, wrapping me in a firm hug. I don’t return the gesture, keeping my free arm at my side the other supporting Junior.

“Morning,” he murmurs into my hair.

“Good morning,” I mumble into his rock hard chest.

“I’m sorry, Natasha.”

I nod but don’t respond. I’m not sure if he’s sorry or if he’s just trying to smooth things over.

“Hungry?” he asks, setting me back a few inches but keeping me in his clutches.

“Not really,” I respond honestly.

“Coffee?”

“That would be great.”

He interlaces his fingers with mine and leads me through the massive space to the breakfast bar. When he releases me, I instantly want him back at my side. And as soon as I feel that want, I shut it down. I know better.

“Hey, Natasha,” Shannon says, approaching me with a gentle smile.

“Hi, Shannon,” I breathe out, relieved to see her floating in the room toward me. “Thanks for letting me stay here.”

She flaps her free hand at me the other holding one of the twins on her hip.

“Don’t be silly. Love Zeus, by the way. I took him on a run this morning. He was great company,” she finishes, plopping down on a leather wrapped stool next to me.

“I bet he loved that. I’m not much of a runner, but we walk a few miles a day. He hasn’t been out much with everything going on,” I mumble over the rim of the mug Sully just slid in front of me.

Shannon nods thoughtfully, her green eyes studying Junior and me.

“We’ll figure this out. Don’t worry,” she spouts confidently. “Do you remember all these clowns?” she asks, indicating her head toward the room of men watching us.

“I think so.”

“That’s Aaron Kavanagh.” The refrigerator with a panty-melting smile.

“That’s Ryan Callaghan.” The dimpled giant.

“That’s Aidan Callaghan. The baby of our family.” The baby’s the biggest man in the room, with kind bright blue eyes.

“Finn’s the one that took your brother to the detox facility.” He’s obviously related to the giants. He’s not as tall, but he’s almost as wide as Kavanagh. All three Callaghan brothers have the same fairytale blue eyes.

“That’s Thomas. My bodyguard.” If a mountain could get up and walk around, I’m looking at it right now. Holy moly, he’s a lot to take in.

“Dylan Kellerman,” he reintroduces himself, towering above me. He’s…a god. Chiseled face, strange teal eyes, a body that won’t quit and a smile that beams its fullest when his gaze lands on his wife. Dreamy.

“Congratulations on your marriage,” I say to both of them.

“Thanks. It took long enough,” Dylan says through a broad smile and Shannon elbows him in the ribs.

“I’m sure it was worth the wait.”

“More than you know,” he says softly.

They have that once in a lifetime kind of love. You can feel it when you’re in a room with them. If love were something tangible, you could grab a hold of it when you’re with Shannon and Dylan.

I beam a smile at both of them before talking to the group.

“It’s nice to meet you all again. I’m sorry to impose on your weekend like this. I’ll try to be out of your hair tomorrow,” I say, trying to sound confident.

The looks the room returns let me know I didn’t succeed. Time to run.

“Sully, can you take Junior for me? I’d like to go out with Zeus for a bit, work on some training. This is a big change in his routine.”

The room has gotten increasingly tense as I spoke. I’m so confused I lock pleading eyes with Sully to help me out. He offers me that Cheshire grin and rounds the bar swiftly.

“Knock yourself out,” he murmurs against my cheek before scooping the sleeping baby from my arms.

“Did I say something wrong?” I ask Shannon who’s shifting her gaze between Sully and me.

She clears her throat and shakes her head before replying, “Nothing at all. We’re a weird crowd. You’ll get used to us.”

I nod, but I don’t believe her. I’ve done something these people are uncomfortable with. I should have stayed in Sully’s wing. No, I shouldn’t be here at all. Maybe I can leave tonight and stay at a motel. If I go somewhere seedy enough, I won’t have to show ID and I can pay in cash. I can hide safely with Zeus. Looking around at all of these people, I feel guilty for dragging them into this situation. Shannon and Dylan have three little boys that shouldn’t be in any danger from a stranger. It was thoughtless for me to come here.

I leave the kitchen to get on my coat and boots before trudging back through the still silent room.

“Let’s go,” I say excitedly to Zeus and he jumps at the tone. He knows what we’re doing. I exit the house through a large glass door and walk beyond a hotel-sized stone-encased pool and guesthouse into a perfectly manicured lawn. I’m guessing there’s half an acre or more of flat ground here. Perfect to work Zeus. And I do just that. I don’t have any of my training gear so I improvise as best I can and take joy in my abilities with my partner in life. He’s a dog, but he loves me fiercely. He’ll keep me safe.

O’Sullivan

“Could you dicks be any weirder?” I growl as Natasha walks into the backyard. “She’s in a fucked state of mind already and you fuckers just added to that. Thanks.”

“She called you Sully,” Kid points out in a confused voice.

“She doesn’t know. She probably heard you callin’ me that in the hospital and thinks it’s the nickname I use,” I huff, flopping onto the stool Natasha just vacated.

“She called him Sully.” Kid ignores me and talks to Kellerman.

“I was in the room,” he responds through a deep chuckle, earning him a pointed scowl.

He kisses her forehead before removing Mikey from her arms and joins the guys on the sectional.

“Sully,” she urges me to explain shit to her I have absolutely no explanation for.

“It’s not the time to correct her,” I dismiss weakly.

“You’re so fuckin’ full of shit. You like her…a lot. Don’t fuck it up just because that’s your favorite thing to do. Give me that baby and go outside to make sure she’s all right. Sorry we acted like that. Shocked the shit out of us. Now that we know what we’re dealin’ with, we’ll be as cool as we always are,” she finishes, grabbing Junior away from me.

I grumble something about being eaten by a dog before pulling on my jacket and boots. As I make my way back through the room, Kav offers me a knowing smile. I can’t hide from these people. I don’t want to. I like the woman. It doesn’t mean I’ll take it beyond where we are right now. Her safety is my number one goal. I’ll keep telling myself that until I believe it.

When I reach the grass, I’m surprised to find her playing fetch with Zeus. Until I watch more closely. Natasha’s commanding his every move. He halts his progression, advances, moves back, to the side and anywhere else as she directs. When he finally gets the stick she’s using, he demolishes it, thrashing and snarling.

“Impressive,” I compliment, sliding up next to her.

“He is,” she responds through a proud grin.

“So are you.”

She shrugs before shifting on her feet uncomfortably.

“I’m gonna check into a motel this afternoon. I can tell I’m makin’ your friends uncomfortable. I’m sorry for whatever I did back there. I didn’t mean to offend anyone, though I can’t figure out what I did. Anyway, there’s a motel near my first apartment that I’ll check into. I can use a fake name and cash so I’ll be anonymous. Zeus will keep me safe there,” she says coolly.

“I’m not lettin’ you do that,” I snarl harsher than I intend.

“It’s a good thing I don’t answer to you then,” she says dismissively.

She moves away from me toward her dog that’s done obliterating bark. There’s no way in hell I’m sending her to stay at what I’m guessing is an hourly motel. She’s nuts if she thinks I’ll allow that. She’s insane for even considering it. Bossing her around isn’t going to work, though. I’ll try something else.

“I hate the name Sully,” I yell across the yard.

Her head snaps up and her brow furrows tightly, crinkling her button nose. Climbing to her feet, she strides toward me with irritation and confusion marring her striking features. Maybe the truth wasn’t such a great idea.

“I’ve been callin’ you somethin’ you hate for over two days and you’re just tellin’ me?!” she shouts. “I’ve shared all kinds of personal shit with you. What the fuck, Brian?”

“My father’s nickname is Sully. When I was growin’ up, everyone expected me to fall in the distinguished Chicago cop’s footsteps. I didn’t. I got in trouble a lot instead. When kids in the neighborhood started callin’ me Sully, I hated it. I love my father and he’s a great dad, but I knew I’d never be able to live up to the greatness. So I kicked the shit outta anyone that called me Sully. I kicked the shit outta a lot of other people too. I’m a fighter, Natasha. I’m not a cop’s kid. I’m not an attorney. I’m a brawler. There’s a blackness within me that loves to make people bleed. Sully’s the name of a man that keeps Chicago safe. I’m not that man.”

“Shannon calls you Sully,” she grumbles not understanding.

“When Kid was attacked, it was a life changing experience for me. She called me Sully after that, like you, not knowing I hated the name. When she said it, I felt worthy of the name for the first time. I stopped the street fights around then and started boxing. I applied myself at school and discovered how much I love the law. I’ve been a better man every day since Kid came. When you called me Sully…I felt worthy again. I didn’t need to correct you because you got it right. I feel like Sully when I’m with you,” I finish tenderly, brushing her hair away from her face.

“And I’m supposed to be scared of the fighter? That’s why you keep warning me?” she whispers.

“Your instincts are right with me, Natasha. I’m not boyfriend material. I’m a cheater. Or I would be if I did serious relationships. I’m not a man that any woman should want to be with, especially a woman as good as you. I feel worthy with you. But I’m not worthy enough
for
you.”

“Have you ever given yourself that chance? It sounds like you made decisions about what you were in life before you even lived it. Why paint yourself in a box without knowing what it looks like to begin with? I know why I’m scared of you, Sully and it has nothing to do with you fighting or womanizing. Men like you have always scared me. You’re dominant. Dominant men become controlling men. Controlling men become abusive. And I refuse to be a victim. My mother’s always been in some version of a fucked up relationship. I won’t be her. I’d rather be single than end up a victim.”

She shivers slightly as she speaks, whether her words cause it or the cold, I don’t know. I instinctively wrap her in my arms to warm her even though what she just said pissed me off, coupled with the fact that she’s lying. She’s afraid of the womanizing. Her crinkled nose gives her away easily.

“I’m not abusive,” I growl, leaning into her face. “I’m a man. I run shit. I’m gruff at times. I boss people around and speak in a growl more than I should. I don’t force women to do anything in life, unless I’m tryin’ to protect ’em. I don’t hit women. I don’t rape women. I don’t abuse women. I’d kill myself before I’d do anything close to causing a woman physical harm. Is that really what you’re afraid of with me?” I ask, shocked at the idea.