Authors: April Smyth
‘What? Who is?’
‘Maurice,’ I exclaim and am filled with a second burst of happiness as I realise my nemesis, once lover, is finally out of my life for good. ‘When I’m home I’ll tell you the whole story but I just wanted to tell you that he’s gone.’
Maurice’s death probably means more to my father than anybody else. Maurice destroyed my life, he took a lot away from me. He ruined the lives of most of the people I’ve ever cared about. I think about Gabe having to be separated from his true love, Claire, for so long because of Maurice and my body goes taut. Yet, despite never having met him, it is my dad who has suffered most at the hands of Maurice.
He killed his wife, my mother, and he almost killed me. What had my dad ever done to him to deserve that kind of pain? The truth is that Maurice never considered the consequences. He never took the families of his victims into account. I shudder to think of all the innocent lives taken from the surrounding areas in Toulouse only to become Maurice’s dinner, his life source: the recruits. I think about their grieving families; they might never recover from the horrific impact of losing someone you love forever.
There is a tangible silence, so thick and full that I feel it smother me, as my dad considers my heavy words. The vampire who took his first wife’s last breath is gone. During this long pause I wonder how my dad ever managed to mend his heart after my mum died. He rarely talks about her because t hurts him too much to relive her awful death even more so now that I have been a victim of a vampire but I have to imagine that she was brilliant and beautiful. I sigh. I wish I knew her: Lucinda, the Healer, the wife, the mother. I wonder what advice she would give me. Would she understand my anguish, my conflict, as I struggle to live my confined life of normalcy at home but hate being separated from my family? Would she tell me to chase my dreams, travel and feel free of the constraints that living in Ayrin bind me in or would she insist that I stay with my dad, care for my family and continue the pretense that I am a happy, plain girl? Would she tell me to trust my heart and fall madly in love with Oliver knowing that he won’t ever accept that Gabe is a part of my past, present and future? I miss her. It’s crazy that you can miss somebody you barely know but I do.
It is an audible sigh that breaks the silence. ‘Wow,’ he says.
‘I know,’ I say meekly. I can’t shake thoughts of my late mother from my mind. It is almost making me forget why I called. ‘How is Shannon?’
‘She’s incredible, Cassie, better than ever,’ I can hear my dad weep gently and it makes me wish I was there to wrap my arms around his sagging shoulders and kiss his downy cheek. No matter how many monstrous vampires enter or leave my life, no matter how many men steal or break my heart, my dad will always mean more to me than any of them. He has loved and protected me to the utmost of his ability for eighteen years. He would give anything to keep me safe and I know that it destroys him to let me go into the big, bad world. When I came home, he tried so hard to give me breathing space and I admire that; I know it took guts for my dad to stop babying me and let me have a life. He must hate himself for not being able to save me yet again and I desperately wish I was home so I could shake him and persuade him that this isn’t his fault. ‘Thank you for saving her. I can’t imagine what I would have done if...’
I choke up now and we both sit on the phone to one another crying. I can hear his small, very quiet staggered breaths and he can hear my rough, loud whines as my sobs steadily grow. They are mostly tears of joy as we both celebrate the death of our nemesis and Shannon’s recovery but there is a great sadness as we consider the distance between us physically and the long journey we both have to travel emotionally. We can do it together though, I think, and I mentally hold out my hand and intertwine my fingers into his.
Once both of our cries have subsided slightly, my dad says, ‘So he’s really dead?’
‘Yes, I can barely believe it...’
‘How? I didn’t know you could kill vampires,’ my dad speaks as if killing vampires is something he has thought about a lot. Before I knew about Maurice my dad had discouraged all discussion of vampires. He frowned, sometimes even yelled or scolded, whenever I would talk about vampires. I desperately clung on to every word in the American press about the uprising of vampires. I was infatuated and he hated it because he knew the whole time that vampires were the reason that my mother was dead and might be the reason I would die too. I wonder that if all the while he was punishing me for researching vampires he was equally as intrigued, trying to figure out a way to kill vampires so he could end Maurice’s life. It kills me to think about my dad going up against the fanged fiends. It was bad enough watching Rose, a powerful witch, and Gabe, a ferocious werewolf, battle vampires.
‘When will you be home? Where are you?’ he asks next. He must assume that because Maurice is no longer a concern that I can come home and resume my life as normal. He must expect me to return to shopping and going to parties with Kate and Lucy, studying hard and trying to get a place at University, and dating Jonathan. A part of me wishes it was that simple but danger is still lurking and we are far from being in the clear.
I deflate as I think about what will happen when the witches think up a solution to the whole vampire problem. Will I then return to my old life? Can I somehow balance a life where I see my family but can still have the parts of this life that I care about? Gabe? I have to accept that once this is all over I probably will never see my first crush, my first love, my first infatuation, I don’t know what to call him, ever again. Oliver will be pleased that Gabe will be out of my life but will I? What about Rose? Surely she will stay in America with Channing. She will leave the witches, of course, because being around them brings up painful memories of her family. Perhaps she will go back to her beautiful home in England with Channing where they can find jobs and support her brother, Michael. Maybe they will get married. Will I still slot into their glamorous lives once we leave? What about Oliver?
‘You are coming home, aren’t you?’ dad asks when I’ve been silent for quite a while.
I clear my throat which seems to be jammed as I think about what Oliver and I will become once vampires are no longer a threat. ‘Yeah, I can’t wait to see you,’ I say softly. I’m in such a conflicting situation. I can’t have both my life at home with my family and my life here in New York with Rose and Oliver.
‘Do you know when you’re coming? Where are you? I’ll meet you at the airport,’ he says. He sounds so chirpy. He has a right to be: Maurice is dead and Shannon is healthy and I’m coming home to him. I don’t have the heart to tell him that all isn’t well yet.
‘Soon. Look, I need to go now, dad...’ I don’t want to leave him yet; I can’t bear to break away not knowing when I might hear his gravelly, familiar voice again but it seems like a better option than lying to him or, even worse, telling him the truth, that I’m not safe yet and that there’s no way of knowing when I’ll get to come home.
‘Already? When...’
I cut him off before he can ask the question again and break my heart even more, ‘I’m sorry, dad, I love you. I’ll see you soon.’
‘Love you too, my darling, you’re so brave,’ he says and I hang up instantly feeling burned by the fiery guilt of being away from my family and drowned by a longing to be with them again.
I’m glad that Shannon is better, more than glad, my dad was right: what would we do if something bad had happened to her? She was the perfect mother to my boisterous siblings, the perfect wife to my wearying father and the perfect stepmother to the town freak. She took all the burdens of our family and wore them on her shoulders with a wide, sparkling smile. Nothing phased her and if I could grow to become half the woman she is then I would be very proud. I wonder if, during my time away from Oliver, during my attempt to discover myself, I could learn what turns you into an inspiring, strong willed woman like Shannon but in the mean time I snuggle up in my bed and try to capture the lingering scent of Oliver on the sheets.
TWENTY-THREE
After my nap, it’s time to confront reality and join the witches in the library to discuss my future. It’s odd being surrounded by unknown faces as they discuss your life, your impending doom, as if you aren’t even there. There is a niggling desire to throw my hands in the air, scream and tell them all to stop talking about me in third person and realise that I’m an actual person with real feelings and thoughts and hopes. I’m not a magic spell or potion that can be altered to make perfect or that can get screwed up without any real catastrophic consequences. If they don’t figure out a way to stop the vampires, I’m dead.
Rose sits beside me and occasionally squeezes my knee to let me know that she is there and that she doesn’t forget me among all the formal discussion of spells and potions. I zone out fairly quickly and let my mind wander; it turns out it’s not very fun listening to people figure out a way to keep you alive.
My thoughts turn to the challenge that Oliver set me before he left. While the witches around me work out how to keep me alive, I have to work out what to do with the life that they’re sustaining. Oliver wants me to be happy on my own but isn’t there something hypocritical in learning to love oneself for the sake of somebody else? How can I be happy on my own if I’m only doing it to stop being alone?
Mixed between discussion of magical wards and hidden hovels, I contemplate what would make me happy. Oliver. When I think of happiness I think about playing our question game in his bed, I think about having sex with him, I think about running my hand across his scruffy face. Happiness is his smile, his eyes, his heart. Is it so wrong that I want him in my life? Is it so terrible that without those things I’m miserable?
I’m lost in Oliver’s dreamy brown eyes when I suddenly realise that Arrow is calling my name. ‘What?’ I ask, flustered.
‘What do you think? Would you mind?’ Arrow says.
I stare blankly as I try to figure out what decision these witches have come to without my knowledge and whatever it is I should or shouldn’t mind. Rose’s fingers are gripped around my knee giving me the impression that, yes, I would mind. ‘Sorry, I wasn’t...’ I stutter with embarrassment as my lack of interest in a very serious affair.
‘I know it’s crazy but it could work. I know it’s severe but if it works it could save your life, it could get rid of the vampires
for good
,’ Arrow says and the rest of the witches bore holes in my skin with their intense glares. I know care if it’s crazy or it’s severe, all I can hear is: rid of vampires for good.
‘I’ll do it,’ I say. I don’t care what it is and if it’s risky. If these witches have come up with a way to get rid of all those hungry vampires desperate for a taste of my immortalising blood then there’s no way I can decline.
Rose’s head snaps around and she stares at me. She mouths the words, ‘Are you sure?’ but even her reaction isn’t troubling me, at least not now.
There is a small frown between Arrow’s thin eyebrows but the rest of the witches are smiling, nodding and beginning to chatter amongst themselves. The buzz allows Rose to talk discreetly with me, ‘Are you sure you’re okay with this, Cass?’
I’m too proud to admit I didn’t hear the idea that I’m buying in to but I can’t imagine what they could be planning that could be too bad if it meant there would be no vampires in our lives. However, Rose’s increasingly worried face is starting to pinch at my stomach. I try to tell myself that she’s just feeling weird about the idea of a vampire free existence after all the past few years of Rose’s life have been totally ruled by these creatures perhaps she’s just having cold feet about the whole thing.