The phone sat
nearby taunting me while I played house with Raven. I kept waiting for it to
ring. Until it did and Caleb told me Mom was gone, I struggled with the urge to
fly to Tucson and say goodbye to her and my life.
Raven did
everything she could to keep me distracted. She walked around naked, claiming
her skin was too tender for clothes. It wasn’t too tender for me though and I
spent hours tasting the burned skin. When I had Raven in my arms, I could
forget about Tucson. When I was inside her, I could think of the now in
Ellsberg. When she said my name, I didn’t imagine my mother asking for me.
When she was
away from me though, the urge to return to Tucson and face my fate was too
strong to deny. Once I even headed for the door, but Raven jumped on my back.
“I’m so horny,”
she purred in my ear. “If you fuck me, I’ll let you call me another dumbass
nickname.”
Laughing and
aroused, how could I tell her no? The girl knew how to get my mind off my past,
but it took a toll on both of us. At one point while I stared at the baseball
game and thought about the time my mom took me to a game, Raven handed me an
ice pack for my crotch. As she reclined on the couch, she placed a hot water
bottle on her pussy.
“I think I’m
fucked out,” she said, grinning at me. “After dinner though, I’m going to strip
for you.”
“You’ve been
naked all day,” I mumbled, tossing the ice pack back in the kitchen and
crawling to the couch. “I’ve seen it.”
“You don’t want
me to dance for you?” she asked, looking hurt as I removed the hot water
bottle.
“I know a way to
soothe you.”
“No,” she said,
but then felt silent as I gently sucked at her swollen lips. “Okay, that
works.”
“I’d like to see
you dance, Raven,” I said, licking her tender clit. “A lap dance too.”
“If this is how
you tip, you can have as many lap dances as your cock can handle.”
“Shh, I’m trying
to concentrate on fixing what I broke.”
Raven wanted to
say something smartass. I saw the look in her eyes and the bitchy response was
on the tip of her tongue. Instead, she just smiled and closed her eyes. I
savored the sweet taste of her until she whimpered my name like I alone offered
her salvation.
As tender as she
was and as tense as I was, Raven didn’t disappoint with her striptease.
Disappearing into the bedroom, she dressed in something skimpy and found the
right song.
With Raven away
from me, my mind wandered to my mother. I realized I never asked if she was
happy with Ted. All those years after they got together and I was on my own, I
would see her a few times a week. We’d talk about things, but I never thought
to ask if she was really happy with him. Did she stay because she loved him and
their life together? Or did she have no choice?
I never saw any
unhappiness on her face, but my mom wore a mask all of those years I was
growing up. She never showed her loneliness or disappointment at life. She
looked happy then too. Now, I would never know if she was truly happy the last
decade with Ted.
I’m Only Happy
When It Rains
began to play as Raven appeared from the bedroom. She
wiggled her butt for me as one strap on her pink babydoll slid off an even
pinker shoulder. Sitting on the couch, I admired her swinging hips and the coy
smile she gave me as the second strap came off.
As beautiful as
she looked, I felt a growing anger in my gut. By the time she flashed a nipple
at me, I was pissed. Raven didn’t notice right away. Dancing for me, she moved
closer and closer sliding across my lap.
How many men saw
this dance? How many got hard looking at her perfect tits and those perky
nipples? Did they stick cash in her panties? Did they feel her against their
cocks like I did right then? The fuckers were out there, knowing her body in a
way only I should know it.
“Why are you
breathing like that?” she asked as her ass stopped wiggling on my lap. “You
sound like an angry dog or maybe like you need to puke.”
“Just thinking
about all the guys who got off like you’re getting me off now.”
Raven’s eyes
narrowed. “What about all those girls who felt your hard cock pressed up
against their butt like you’re pressed it against me? Should I start breathing
weird over them?”
Even unsure why
I was so angry, the rage ate me up. Raven was mine and no one should know her
like I did. I wanted to hunt every guy down and kill them. Only then, could I
really claim her.
“Idiot,” she
muttered, pulling up the straps. “The slut is calling me a slut.”
“Good thing your
skin is so tender or I’d smack your ass and fuck you until you can’t stand. I’d
make sure you’d remember no one but me.”
“Bring it,
bitch,” she hissed, leaning forward with her hands on my shoulders. “I’m not
scared of you and your jealous crap. Loser weenie dipshit.”
Glaring at her,
I took hold of the babydoll and planned to tear it off of her. The material was
soft though, just like Raven. Even with her snarling at me, I knew she was in
pain from the sunburn. Restraining my urge to lose control, I let go of the
babydoll. We glared at one another until the phone rang. In that moment, all of
my anger shifted into cold dread at hearing the news from Tucson.
Before I reached
it, Raven grabbed the phone and answered.
“Hello,” she said,
running away from me.
Based on her
expression, I knew Caleb was on the other line.
Her jaw clenched
and eyes darkened. “He’s not available. What do you want?”
After a moment,
her gaze hardened even more. “I’m his secretary. Tell me what you want and I’ll
pass the message along.”
Raven’s gaze met
mine as she listened to Caleb. After a minute, she grunted and hung up. We
stared at one another for a long time. Her irritated gaze slowly shifted into a
softer, sadder expression.
“I’m sorry I
called you a loser weenie dipshit.”
“She’s gone,” I said,
letting the idea swirl in my head. “What did he say exactly?”
“She passed away
a few minutes before he called.”
Standing up, I
walked to where Raven stood looking brokenhearted. I hugged her against me and
caressed her hair.
“What else did
he say?”
Raven nuzzled my
chest then forced out the words she didn’t want me to hear. “He said her
funeral will be in two days. If you come to Tucson, they’ll let you say goodbye
before they kill you.”
I was relieved
to have Raven with me. If I’d been on my own, I would consider going to Tucson. I would consider all sorts of stupid shit, but she needed me. As her big blue eyes
watched me, I saw how much she needed me to stay.
“It’s not your
fault,” she whispered.
“I never told
her goodbye. I tried to get hold of her all these years, but Ted wouldn’t let
us talk.”
“I’m sure it was
because she would say she loved you and didn’t want you to come back. She was
probably proud of you for saving Harlow.”
Just hearing
that name tensed me. “What do you know about Harlow?”
“Bailey said you
showed up here with her and that you’d saved her. She didn’t know anything
else.”
Nodding again, I
exhaled unsteadily. “I fucked up that night. If I had done things different, I
wouldn’t be a marked man. Harlow would be safe. I could have said goodbye to my
mom. I’m no hero, Raven. I fucked up and caused all my problems.”
Raven said
nothing as she pulled away and disappeared into her bedroom. I stared at where
she’d been and thought about my mom. Whether she was happy or not all those
years with Ted, she was at peace now. We never went to church, but she would
pray and light candles for special occasions. Mom believed in God and Heaven,
so I decided to believe in them too. She was safe now.
She might even
be looking down at me and knowing I loved and missed her. She understood me. I
had doubted the last few days if she hated me like Ted did. Somehow, Mom never
seemed clearer in my mind than at that moment. I saw how she never stopped
thinking of me as her little boy. She knew I loved her.
Raven returned
wearing a loose shirt and sweat shorts. I liked that she had changed, realizing
I didn’t want lap dances or blowjobs. I wanted her to really see me.
We sat on the
couch with her legs crossed while facing me. She took my hand and I knew she
was genuinely sad. Raven wasn’t the pretty girl pretending for my sake because
she wanted to fuck me. My pain was her pain. I didn’t need to kill every guy
who ever saw her naked to make her mine. She already was.
“Will you tell
me what happened with Harlow?” she asked after a few minutes of silence.
“I’m not a hero,
Raven. I know you want to see me as a good man. I’m a killer though. I do ugly
things and I do them without caring. Harlow was the exception, not the rule.”
“I understand,”
she said, scooting closer. “I don’t want you to hide anymore. I’ll listen to
what you say and not hear what I want. I’ll hear the truth.”
Caressing her
cheek, I forced a smile. “You won’t like the truth.”
“I don’t like a
lot of things about you, but I still like you.”
Smiling wider, I
sighed. “Okay, but I warned you.
Raven kissed my
hand as if to say she was ready for whatever ugliness I showed her.
“When my mom
hooked up with Ted, the club became our life. I was nearly eighteen and already
pretty big. Ted didn’t think of me as his son. He just wanted to keep me busy,
so he made me an enforcer, doing mostly little stuff. Rough up shop owners and
people who owed the Devils money. I worked with a guy named Stinky. I never
knew what his real name was, but Stinky noticed how I didn’t react when people
would cry and beg. He told Ted I’d be a good cleaner and could handle the ugly
stuff. Stinky was right too. I’d show up at some idiot’s place and his wife and
kids would cry and I would ignore it. I could block out all that noise and
focus on my job. Not a lot of men can ignore crying kids, but I could.”
I waited for
Raven to react, but she just watched me in the same way she’d been watching me
since the phone call.
“A guy in the
club that I cleaned up for a lot was called Playboy. He was a pussy magnet in
his youth. As he got older, his tastes stayed young. Those younger girls would
get pretty wasted to endure his shit. A few months before Harlow, I cleaned up
a dead hooker killed during rough play and a runaway who OD’d. I dumped the
body for the first and got the second one to a clinic who wouldn’t ask
questions. It wasn’t pretty work, but my job isn’t for the feeling type. It’s
why not anyone could be a cleaner. You had to do ugly shit and do it without
blinking. I always had a way of turning off my heart.
“I really didn’t
care either. Things changed in a weird way when Mom married Ted and I didn’t
feel like me anymore. It was easy being a cleaner like that until the night
with Harlow.”
My cell rang
again, but Raven set it to mute. “It’s the fuckwad calling to be a fuckwad
again. We’re pretending again it’s just you and me. Nothing outside this
apartment can hurt us.”
Smiling softly,
I ran a finger over her bruised knuckles. “Harlow had a normal enough life, I
guess. Then, her dad died and her mom went over her rocker and started drinking
and doping. The kids ended up living with Playboy’s old lady. She was the husband’s
sister or cousin. I don’t know. It was something I heard and didn’t care about.
I never thought Harlow or her siblings would mean shit to me.”
Glancing around
the room, I hated taking Raven with me into my dark memories. She was bruised
and battered enough without my shit dumped on her. Of course, I knew she
wouldn’t let me stop.
“One night,
Playboy called and said he has a mess that needed cleaning. When I got there,
he and his buddies were watching a football game. He tells me about how Harlow’s mom came bitching about wanting her kids back. Playboy didn’t care about the
little ones. He just wanted to keep Harlow and told the mom to take the brats
and go. When she saw Harlow drugged up and knew what Playboy did, I guess she
freaked. Playboy said she wanted to snitch to the cops, so he handled her like
he would any rat. That’s all he said before telling me to clean up the mess.”
Raven scooted
closer as if knowing I was afraid to say the next part out loud. She understood
because she was Raven and I was Vaughn. Somehow, we made sense.
“In the back
room, I found them. Not just the mom and Harlow, but her little brother and
sister. Fucking Playboy killed those little kids too. When he beat the mom with
a tire iron, she was holding her kids and he killed them too. Just bashed their
little heads in like they were nothing. The whole room stank of blood and sex. Harlow was on the ground holding her mom’s hand. When she looked at me, I knew she was
stoned and didn’t really understand.”
A shudder came
over me when I thought of her sitting in the blood of her mom and those babies.