“Maybe it would
have been better to kill her too. She’ll remember that shit for the rest of her
life. Seeing her mom and little bother and sister getting their heads bashed
in. When I stood over her, I thought I was doing her a favor. I really planned
to kill her too. I was pissed at Playboy and hated the fucker. Even knowing he
was evil, I was still planning to do my job. Even when he told me he wished he
could keep Harlow because she was a good lay, I didn’t plan to do anything
except follow orders. I was that kind of man. No hero, but willing to kill a
teenage girl. I might lie and say I was doing her a favor, but I didn’t really
care. I was doing my job. Watching out for myself.”
Raven’s
expression never changed, but I sensed her horror at what I was telling her. I needed
her to really understand the ugliness inside me.
“I pulled out my
gun, planning to kill her. I couldn’t do it with my hands. I’d beaten people to
death, but to take that girl’s life in such a personal way was too much. I was
planning to shoot her and clean it all. Dump all four of them in a grave and
walk away. I don’t want you to forget that about me, Raven. Don’t think I was
some good fucker who walked in and felt outrage and saved the damsel. I was
going to shoot a child in the face. No matter how old she was and how much
she’d seen, sitting on the ground like she was, Harlow as a kid. That’s what
stopped me in the end. She whimpered for her mommy and begged me not to hurt
her brother and sister. She sounded like a little girl and I couldn’t fucking
do it.”
The look on Harlow’s face haunted my dreams. As if sensing this, Raven kissed my hand and waited for me
to continue.
“I snapped. I
didn’t think about the right way to help her or to walk away. I could have
grabbed her and run. I could have faked like I killed her and snuck her out of
there and run. I could have done a million different things, but then she said
mommy. I looked at the dead woman and her dead kids. I smelled the blood and
the way those bastards had raped and used Harlow…”
Pausing, I felt
the rage return. “It was like every single evil thing ever was on my shoulders.
Like I had to get revenge for it all. My need wasn’t to save Harlow. Or to get
justice. I wanted revenge. For every time my mom had a black eye from some
fucker she dated over the years. For that dead hooker and the runaway and every
chick who ever bled for the amusement of the club. I wanted revenge for every
time I was scared as a kid while my mom worked two jobs because some fucker
stole her savings after making promises to her about being a family. I just
wanted to burn it all down, so I snapped.”
Taking a breath,
I continued, “I turned my gun on Playboy then his friends. I can’t even remember
their names. They were in the club, but now I can’t remember them. I took Harlow and I burned down the house with her dead family in it. I also went to the place where
the club stashed a lot of cash for emergencies. I took it all. I stole from the
club and I made it bleed and I left Tucson with Harlow.”
Exhaling
raggedly, I remembered the way Harlow stared at me while I burned down the
house. She didn’t cry for her mother or Mase and Stacia. A part of her
understood they were gone. As the drugs faded, she understood more and more and
I saw her pull into herself.
“We left Tucson and I had no plan, but I didn’t need one. I had vengeance and it made me happier
than the club ever did. Harlow had nothing back in Tucson and she never
complained. We rode for hours and she held on. By the time we arrived in
Ellsberg, she had stopped talking. Yet, if I told her to do something, she
never hesitated. She hadn’t given up. Something just died in her when her
family died and this was the new Harlow. I knew how she felt because the man I
was when I pulled the gun out to shoot her wasn’t the man I was when I turned
the gun on Playboy. We had changed, but our pasts wouldn’t let us go.”
Raven squirmed
onto her knees and hugged me against her chest. She soothed me like my mom did
years ago. Even though she wanted me to think everything would be alright, I
knew the truth.
“I fucked up the
way I took Harlow. If I had done it different, she could live her life and I
might be able to live a real life too. Instead, I let my temper control me.
Now, I’m a dead man and she isn’t safe.”
“You saved her
though.”
“Don’t make me a
hero, Raven.”
“You are a hero
though.”
Frustrated, I
wish she understood. “Over the years, I’ve regretted saving her. I can’t even
see her without feeling regret. Would a hero feel like that?”
“I don’t know.
Maybe,” she said, caressing my face. “I’ve never been a hero. You’ve never been
a hero either until that day. You can’t know how a hero feels. Maybe they
regret their choices. Don’t you think a fireman who saves someone from a
burning building, but gets burned wouldn’t feel some regret? When people suffer,
they regret the good things they’ve done. In the end, they still did those good
things.” Raven cupped my face and stared into my eyes. “You did a good thing.”
“If I did things
different, I could have said goodbye to my mom.”
“Different like
letting Playboy live so he could kill more moms and kids? No, you did the right
thing and your mom was proud of you.”
“You can’t know
that.”
“I do. She took
care of you all of those years alone. She loved you so much. I know she did
because you aren’t some mean fuck. You’ve got a heart and you make people
laugh. You have a lot of good in you and that’s because of your mom. She loved
you more than her life and she would have wanted you to save Harlow. She wanted
you to be a hero because all great moms want their kids to be amazing. Your mom
was great and that’s why you’re who you are.”
Staring into her
eyes, I felt the loss I’d been hiding from all of these years.
“She was a great
mom. The best.”
Cradled in
Raven’s embrace, I wept for my mom. I also mourned the boy inside me who missed
the woman that made him the center of her world.
Big Bob’s Skating Center seemed louder than usual. Having spent the last few days alone with Vaughn
in my apartment then at his place, being in public left me feeling exposed. As
much as I missed the quiet, I knew Vaughn and I needed time away from each
other. Mostly because the lie about friends with benefits was falling apart.
Even Bailey
noticed.
“So are you and
Vaughn together now?” she asked, holding onto the side of the rink. “Will I get
to be the maid of honor in your wedding?”
“Vaughn just
needed a lot fucking because of his mom dying. We’re only friends. Besides, I’m
never getting married.”
“If you do,
you’ll pick Lark over me, won’t you?”
“Probably. She
would never forgive me, if I didn’t. Trust me that you don’t want her holding a
grudge. Tiny chicks are sneaky.”
Bailey pulled at
her ponytail then grabbed the side again. “I’m going to fall on my stellar
ass.”
Grinning, I took
her hand and pulled her away from the side. “I’ll keep you safe.”
Bailey’s eyes
widened, but she didn’t scream like I expected. Her hands gripped mine as I
skated backwards while pulling her along.
“I only know how
to skate on the gravel,” she said and I fought the urge to laugh. “I really
hate falling down.”
“You’re fine.
I’ve got you, see?”
Bailey chilled
and let me guide us around the rink. “You really like Vaughn, don’t you?”
“Yes, but he and
I aren’t going to be anything more than we are now. Last night, we were in bed
and he said he would dump me if he wasn’t so lazy. I told him he couldn’t dump
me because I had already dumped him. We just keep it light because otherwise
we’re both fucked.”
“He hasn’t
cheated on you. I asked around and a bunch of his regular hookup chicks say he
hasn’t banged them since he first banged you.”
“Doesn’t change
who we are and what we can manage.”
Bailey nodded as
I skated faster and her hands tightened around mine. “The Devils are going to
kill him soon. I wish we could kill the fuckers, but Cooper doesn’t want to
start something that’ll spill over to the whole club.”
“Maybe someone
else could kill them?”
“Maybe. They
wouldn’t all need to die either. Just the top assheads. The ones calling the
shots. When another club that was heavy into criminal shit lost their
president, the whole thing went to hell. Like in-fighting and other clubs
trying to steal their territory and clients. If someone could kill the Devils’
president, vice president, maybe a few others who could take over easy, they
wouldn’t care about Vaughn. It wouldn’t be worth the trouble, you know?”
“Yeah,” I said,
thinking about how a handful of deaths could mean Vaughn would be safe. Harlow too, but my heart beat for the blond bastard who was watching me skate around with
Bailey.
Vaughn stood
with Judd, Cooper, and Tucker. Arms crossed, the men wore frowns. Whatever they
were discussing pissed them off and I was glad for the separation. I didn’t
want more bad news.
“Wait for me!”
Sawyer screamed, arriving with Farah.
While my
preggers friend smiled at Cooper then found a seat and vegged, Sawyer skated
into the rink. The seven year old made it a few feet before her ass and the
hard ground became acquainted.
Skating over
with Bailey, I helped Sawyer back up. The girl fought tears and I knew she’d
hit her tailbone hard. Hugging her to me, I moved us slowly into the rink.
Bailey held onto my arm as we worked our way in a circle.
“I didn’t cry,”
Sawyer said finally.
“No, you didn’t,
but crying doesn’t mean anything,” I said, playing with the curls in her hair.
“I cry when I get really pissed off. Tears usually mean I’m about to punch
someone.”
Sawyer and
Bailey clutched onto me while I skated them around and around until the place
filled up. The Storm Babes arrived with their lovers and kids in tow. Around
the time the opposing team showed up with their entourage, Lark walked in with
Aaron. They were both wearing tie-dyed shirts and I nearly barfed at their coordinated
outfits. Sensing my horror, Lark started laughing and nearly chocked on the
lime slice in her mouth.
“What’s the
deal?” I asked noticing how she and Farah wore lime slices like teeth guards.
“It settles our
nausea,” Farah explained before popping the slice back in her mouth.
Lark hugged me.
“Pico de Gallo also helps.”
Even with the
two chicks looking ready to hurl, I felt a hint of jealousy. I wanted a baby. I
also wanted that baby to have a dad and a home like I never did. Glancing at
Vaughn, I found him watching me like I was crazy. I grinned then realized his
expression was related something one of the guys was saying. My grin widened
and he wiggled his eyebrows. This drew Judd’s attention and the men’s
conversation stopped midsentence. Vaughn shrugged and walked away.
“What a bunch of
whiners,” he told me as I left Lark to suck on her lime slice.
“Is something
wrong?”
“No,” he lied.
Allowing him his
secrets, I asked, “Will you cheer for me?”
Vaughn smiled as
I strapped on my shin guards. “I’ll caw for you. Just you wait.”
Laughing, I bumped
his hip. “I dare you to do it in front of your boyfriends over there.”
Vaughn looked
like he might realize cawing for me wasn’t worth the ribbing he would receive.
“What do I get
if I embarrass myself?”
“What do you
want?” I asked, stroking his sweaty arms with my nails.
“An hour of
Tour
of Duty
.”
“A videogame?” I
balked. “I could do dirty things to you, but you’d rather play videogames?”
“Gingersnap, our
things aren’t dirty. They’re wholesome fun especially when I spank you and you
love it.”
Even glaring at
him, he had a point.
“Besides,” he continued,
“we’re going to do those fun things after the videogames. Maybe before too. Possibly
during. I just want to play
Tour of Duty
and Judd is whipped. I’ve
lucked out to have a hot chick who likes shooting games. I’m milking that.”
Grinning, I
nuzzled his crotch with my knee. “I’m going to milk you later.”
“You had me at
‘milk you later,’ honeysuckle.”
“Idiot,” I
muttered, but he was making me wish we were alone.
“Be careful out
there.”
My fake
irritation faded at the seriousness of his tone. “It’s a game I’ve been playing
for years.”
“I know, but you
get smacked around at the Thunderdome. I don’t need you getting bruised up here
too.”
“You’re cute
when you start with the feelings, blondie.”
“Thanks for that
compliment, baby corn.”
“Really? Baby
corn?”
Vaughn leaned
down and kissed my still tender nose then whispered, “Caw, caw.”
Laughing, I left
him so I could join my team. We warmed up while Sarah told us her big plans to
ditch us and go to the Bahamas for a week.
“Try not to lose
every game while I’m gone,” she said.
Chantal snorted.
“We’ll barely notice your absence.”
“Speak for
yourself,” I muttered. “I’ll miss Sarah because I need someone to distract from
my awesome moves.”
“We’ll see,”
Sarah said, giving me a wink.
Maybe she knew
something I didn’t. After all, I managed to collide with the wall four times
over the game. I also fell on my ass twice and was “accidentally” hit in the
face once. By the end of the game, we’d won and I was limping.
Game over,
Bailey and Sawyer took off while I cuddled with my lime sucking sister. Aaron
asked if I was planning to go to the upcoming fair. Lark and I just laughed at
him. No one loved shitty fair food like I did.
Packing up, I
realized Vaughn was gone. I tried not to take it personally. My body hurt
enough without getting my feelings hurt too.
When I got
outside, I found Tawny waiting at my dusty jeep. Her expression was hard, angry
even. I sensed it was a defense mechanism related to the guys checking her out.
“They won’t mess
with you,” I said, arriving at the jeep. “They want to keep their eyes and I
heard Judd likes to rip those out if a man messes with his woman.”
Tawny smiled
tightly. “I need a ride home. Vaughn and Judd had to handle something.”
After getting
into the jeep, Tawny pulled her gun and waved it at the guys still looking at
us. They got the hint and walked away.
“I can’t stand
the dirty fuckers checking me out. I’m not a damn piece of meat.”
“Are you okay?”
I asked, pulling out of the parking lot.
“Yes. No. Who
knows? Therapy makes me crazy and I hate talking about shit and want to quit. I
might take a break from it until we’re moved into the new place.”
“What’s the
point of therapy if it makes you feel worse?”
Tawny shrugged.
“To face your crap and deal with it. I’m just stressed by the move. Judd
doesn’t like change either. He’s tense about the move and Vaughn. When he’s
tense, I feel worse. He’s my rock. The person who makes me feel like my crazy
is sane.”
After a few deep
breaths, Tawny calmed herself. “It’ll be fine, but I need things to be settled.
Everything feels too big now. Every comment about when we’ll have a kid feels
like someone is nagging and judging. I just want to live with Judd and have my
sister close. I want to feel safe in Ellsberg and I don’t right now.”
“Because of the
move or the shit with Vaughn?”
“Both. The whole
club is tense.”
Saying nothing,
I stopped at a red light and thought about Vaughn. He cawed during the game,
eliciting frowns then laughter from his buddies. Having earned the videogame
time, he wouldn’t bail unless it was important. I just hoped he was safe.
“Vaughn killed my
parents,” Tawny said, startling me. “After my mom attacked Farah, Cooper had
her killed and Vaughn did it. When my dad came here to hurt me and steal money
from the Johanssons, I shot him. It was Vaughn who finished him off, so Judd
wouldn’t have to do it.”
Staring at her
in the dark car, I wasn’t sure what to say. Tawny’s face was unreadable. She
had learned to copy Judd’s cool expression, revealing nothing.
“Do you resent
him for that?” I finally asked.
Tawny frowned.
“No. The light is green.”
Driving again, I
remained silent, so Tawny spoke up.
“My parents
needed killing. Some people just do. Sometimes, those people will run up
against a force like the Johanssons and the Reapers. When that happens, those
people end up dead. I only told you because Vaughn is hardcore. Not a lot of
guys can kill a woman, but Vaughn is a badass. You shouldn’t worry about him. I
think he’ll beat the Devils because they’re fucking stupid and he isn’t.”
Smiling, I
turned a block closer to her apartment. “Vaughn is a tough bastard.”
Tawny gave me a
little grin. “You can’t change him. Once this crap with the Devils is done, you
can’t expect him to turn into a nine-to-five guy.”
“I wouldn’t.”
“They’ve done
ugly things. Vaughn and Judd both. Now, they can’t pretend to be normal men.
Working some job and pretending they’re average guys would make all those ugly
things uglier. It would destroy them. If you want Vaughn, you have to accept
not only the ugly of his past, but the ugly of his future. He’s an enforcer and
that means he’ll hurt people. He’ll come home with blood on his hands and
you’ll have to love him anyway. You can’t make him feel bad because it’ll
destroy him. Judd looks at me like I have the power to tear him apart. I’m
careful because I know he’s done those things and I can’t make him feel bad
about it. He accepts me and I accept him. You have to do the same with Vaughn.”
“I will,” I
whispered, afraid to hope for a future with him. “I understand what Vaughn
does.”
“I had a feeling
about you. Even in Vegas when you were swearing off men, my gut said you would
be good for Vaughn. Like you’d understand him.”
Panicked at the
idea of jinxing what I had with Vaughn, I mumbled, “We’re just dating right
now. Fuck buddies really.”
“Sure, sure,”
she said, giving me a grin. “He’s so whipped and you’re hooked on him. The guy
made fucking bird noises tonight. It’s a done deal.”
“I have bad luck
with men. I care about Vaughn, but I don’t think things will work out.”
Tawny studied me
then shrugged. “I want him to be happy and he seems happy with you. He was so
pissed off when Judd and I got together. Pouting and having tantrums like a
baby. He was obnoxious. Now, he doesn’t look at me like I’ve stolen his only
friend. He looks happy.”
Vaughn just looked
cranky when we pulled into the apartment garage. He and Judd were leaning
against their Harleys, having a frowning contest. Their battle ended when we
parked next to them.