Read Depression: Looking Up from the Stubborn Darkness Online
Authors: Edward T. Welch
Life before God is an ongoing sequence of living, evaluating, and changing, then re-evaluating and changing, then re-evaluating and changing. Depression, too, is an occasion for re-evaluating and changing.
Depression came with her first child—a daughter. She could recognize depression; she had felt similar things before, but this was, at least, much worse. It felt debilitating. Everyone assumed that it was post-partum depression. “Give it a few months and you will be feeling better.”
But she didn’t. If anything, given that her depression was lasting so long and was accumulating other things, such as guilt and despair, she felt worse.
A good friend stuck with her throughout this struggle. Rather than assume that time and medication would be the answer, the friend worked to understand what depression was like for this new mother. What, if anything, was depression saying?
It was saying some things very clearly.
“What if I hurt my baby?”
“What if I don’t recognize a problem and forget to take her to the doctor?”
“What if I am a bad mother?”
Listen to descriptions of depression and you will often hear words like “desperation,” “panic,” “abandonment,” “anxieties,” and “dread.” You will hear allusions to hell, and hell is always associated with profound fear. When depression is at its most severe, paranoia is one of its cardinal features. It is fear run amok. It can feel as if both you and your world are falling apart, and you are certain there is nothing you can do about it.
What do fearful people do when they feel powerless? They avoid. They withdraw. Their world becomes smaller and smaller. In other words, they act depressed.
When fears are left unattended, they can lead to depression. You can try to avoid them when they haunt you, but you can still feel them. The only way to really quiet them is to confront them. And since fears run in packs, expect to find more than one.
You may find that you are terrified to:
Apart from depression, fears may lie dormant; with it, they are revealed. Sometimes, however, depressed people don’t recognize their fear. Fearful people seem agitated and restless, while depression is more typically expressed in passivity and resignation. So listen carefully to your heart. Find your fears. They might be contributing to the feelings of depression, and there is much that can be done to alleviate them.
When you start to list your biggest fears, you will quickly recognize that you are not alone with them. We are people given to fear. Here are a few of the more common ones.
Fear of death.
Fear of death affects us much more than we know. Imagine how different your life would be if you experienced absolutely no fear of death. Even if you are confident that you will be with Jesus, the unknown is always intimidating and Scripture doesn’t give many specifics. Even when we are looking forward to something, we might be a little nervous about the unpredictable details. This is intensified with depression. Many depressed people lack confidence that they will be with Jesus, so their fears can be even more intense.
Will all your sins be exposed? Will God be displeased? Did you believe “enough”?
Anticipating these concerns, God speaks clearly and frequently about how to be certain of eternal matters. The letter of 1 John is devoted to it, and all the New Testament writers discuss it.
Fear of the way you will die.
Most people can acknowledge a fear of how death will come. Will it be long and painful? Will it be quick and painless? Will you be alone? If you have witnessed a difficult death, these fears are likely to be more pronounced. And, like other fears, when these are left unattended, they can develop into depression. Now is the time to hear God’s words and believe him when he says that he will give you the grace when you need it.
Fear of the past recurring.
If you have had an especially difficult past, it might control you more than you think. Your emotions don’t discriminate very well between past and present. Even though it might be impossible to re-experience the same past hurts, your feelings tell you otherwise. The danger can seem present tense. You are always on guard. Here is where many of the psalms are especially valuable, because they are written by and for people who are facing a threat.
Fear from trusting in things that don’t last.
Perhaps the most common fear arises when the things we trust in become unsteady and begin to topple.
If you trust in your physical beauty, it will accommodate your trust for a time. But what happens when plastic surgery can’t rid you of all the wrinkles, and your body sags no matter what you do to it?
If you trust in financial security, what will happen if you lose your job? Don’t you always feel like you need more than you have?
If you trust in a person, what if he dies? What if she is less than perfect in giving you affection? What if he leaves?
Or perhaps your trust isn’t in one person in particular. The problem is that you trust in
people.
Your goal has been to please, and you are finding such a goal increasingly impossible to achieve.
If your trust is invested in anything other than Jesus, fear will eventually reign. And when fear’s reign continues, it invites depression to rule with it.
Regardless of the particular fear you have, fear always asks the same questions: “Who will you trust? Where will you turn when you are afraid or anxious?” The story of Scripture is one in which God demonstrates himself to be trustworthy, and then he invites wary people to trust him. Given such an attractive invitation, you would think that none could resist, but we all have our reasons for putting our trust in things we can see.
In spite of our reluctance, God delights in speaking words of hope and comfort to fearful people. He reserves some of the most beautiful revelations of himself for the timid. He patiently reasons with them. He reminds them that he is God, and he promises that he will never leave them alone. He shares with them some of his names—the ones that only intimate friends know.
O my
Strength,
I watch for you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God. (Ps. 59:9–10)
My
shield
is God Most High. (Ps. 7:10)
The L
ORD
is my
rock,
my
fortress
...
the horn of my salvation,
my
stronghold.
(Ps. 18:2)
The best known name is Shepherd. The best known psalm for those who are afraid is Psalm 23. Its New Testament counterpart, which is actually spoken by the Good Shepherd, is Jesus’ teaching on worry in the Sermon on the Mount (Matt. 5–7).
You are probably familiar with this passage, but read it carefully. These are God’s words to you. Notice how Jesus never tires of repeating his promises. Instead, he patiently reasons with fearful people. He is persuading you to trust him.
Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
“Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the
pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Luke 12:22–34)
How incredibly tender! How patient. He calls us his little flock, aware that life holds many dangers. He reminds us that the Creator knows the details of his creation. He is close and involved. He knows the needs of common ravens; he knows when a petal falls from the lily. If he knows these details about things that are not created in his image, how much more will he care for you? In God’s eyes, you are much more valuable than the rest of creation.
And he is not just interested in the big picture of your life. He knows trivia such as the hairs on your head (Luke 12:7). To have that kind of knowledge, someone must be present with the person and have immense care for him or her. Casual acquaintances are satisfied with knowing the basic outline of your life. Intimate friends want to know all the details.
Then Jesus asks, with tongue in cheek, if anxiety really helps. Can it make you grow? Can it give you more money? Jesus is suggesting that the situation is not as dire as we think. He can make light of it because he knows that there is no need to worry. He is the loving shepherd. He will not leave, and he will never sleep (Ps. 121:4).
“You trust me,” he says. “I will worry about tomorrow.” Then, in a beautiful and persuasive conclusion, he reminds us that he is a generous God who not only gives the kingdom to his children but is
pleased
to do so.
This raises two questions. First, what is the kingdom? The kingdom is everything God promises his children: love, joy, peace, his presence, forgiveness, adoption into his family, the hope of being free from sin, and being with our Father, the King.
Second, is the kingdom important to you? Perhaps you already believe that God is pleased to give you the kingdom, but the kingdom doesn’t sound that great. Perhaps you have your heart set on something else. You believe that “my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:19), but you aren’t so certain that he will supply all your
wants.
This is how idolatry grows in our hearts. We want things and we aren’t sure God will give them to us, so we put our trust in other gods. This is THE problem of the human heart—misplaced trust. We value, love, and trust something in creation more than the Creator, and since there is nothing in creation that is intended to bear the weight of our trust, we are bound to live in fear.
All other loves must be subordinate to your love for Christ. This may sound like God is demanding our love, and that is true to a point. But the
reason
we are to love him more than all others is that, among the many suitors for our affections, he alone is worthy of such love.
How do you turn back to the One who truly loves you? It is called repentance. You acknowledge your wrong in pursuing false gods, and you set out to know the beauty of the true God who patiently pursues you.
Another feature common to most fears is that they are more concerned about the future than the present. “I think tragedy is
coming
.” We predict the future, and we cling tenaciously to our prophecies.
Some people specialize in these anxieties, others merely dabble in them, but we all indulge in them. This is why one of the first lessons God taught his people was about anxiety and trust.
When the Israelites were in the desert, food was scarce, so it was the ideal place to learn how to trust. To feed the hundreds of thousands of Israelites, God rained down a kind of bread each day (Ex. 16), but he only gave enough for one day (except for the day before the Sabbath, when they were given enough for two). This established a spiritual rhythm. They did what God told them to do
today,
and they trusted him for tomorrow. Those who trusted in themselves and collected for more than one day found that their surplus manna turned to maggots by morning. They quickly learned that faith in the true God was the only way to live.
Undoubtedly, the first couple days were the hardest. The people woke up hungry, saw that there was no food in the tent, and hadn’t yet looked outside. Would the manna be there this morning? Would God be faithful to his promises? Over time, however, they became confident. They learned that God would care for them tomorrow because he had said he would, and he had been faithful the day before.
This is the backdrop for Jesus’ words of comfort, “but seek his kingdom [today], and these things will be given to you as well [tomorrow].” Your goal is to get into a manna rhythm. Seek his grace today, be faithful to the tasks in front of you, and trust him for tomorrow. Then, when you look back and see that he was faithful, your faith will be “fed” for the next day.
Still afraid? Jesus anticipates that we are going to struggle with fear rather than have it instantly disappear. In response, he reminds us that he will never leave us.
“Do not be afraid, for I am with you.” (Gen. 26:24)