Destiny (12 page)

“It’s
not just you. I’m almost scared of how well things have gone.”

“Why
is that?”

“I
don’t know. We just fit. It seems like life is being decided pretty early for
us. I love being around you all the time. I can see us married one day, and I
don’t think that day is very far off.”

“Whoa!
Slow down there! Marriage? Come on,” I said without thinking.

“Yeah,
I spoke too soon. Last night was pretty close to perfect, but Eric, just for
future reference, you really shouldn’t sound so freaked out by the prospect of
being with a girl forever right after you sleep with her. It’s a little
offensive.”

“I’m
sorry. I just hadn’t thought that far ahead. Maybe I should have.”

“No.
We should enjoy what’s happening right now without worrying about the future.
At the same time, I don’t think a future with me should scare you.”

“It
doesn’t. I don’t know about marriage or any of those things right now, but if I
ever were to be with someone forever, I would want it to be you.”

“Since
we’re on the subject of futures. What do you want to do with your life?”

“I
was thinking about getting a degree in business. From there, I’ll figure it
out. I want to be successful, though. Some day I want to get out of this place.
I love it here, but I know that you had this idea of me coming back a little
differently. You said that in your fantasy I came back and took you away from
here. I’m going to do that some day. What about you?”

“I
can’t wait for that. I want to be a doctor. I know it’s a big goal, but it’s
what I want. It’s something I’ve thought about since I was a little girl.”

“That
sounds great. A doctor and a businessman . . . I think I can picture our lives
that way.”

“Me,
too. So have you got any ideas about my mom?”

“You
hang out with Sarah a lot. Can you just tell her that I dropped you off at her
house after our date? You can say your phone died while you were there.”

“She’s
never going to believe that.”

“I
know, but it’s better than saying I was in a hotel room with my boyfriend,
isn’t it?”

“I
guess you’re right. Let me call Sarah and get her to confirm the story if my
mom asks. Then I’ll call my mom,” Olivia said as she grabbed her clothes and
stepped out of the room.

I
heard her call Sarah and get her to go along with the story. Then I heard her
talking to her mother. Something seemed wrong.

“I
was just at Sarah’s. I’m sorry, Mom. I’ll be home soon,” Olivia said.

“What
do you mean . . . You’re not serious . . . I’ll be there as soon as I can,” she
said and stepped out of the bathroom. Olivia looked like she was in shock.

“What’s
going on? Are you okay?” I asked.

“It’s
about my dad. He died last night.”

“I’m
so sorry. What happened?” I asked as I stood and wrapped my arms around her.

“I
don’t know. My mom said she didn’t believe me about being at Sarah’s but that
it didn’t matter. I needed to come home because something bad had happened.
When I asked what she meant, she told me that Dad died. I haven’t seen him in
years. How could this have happened? Why now? You need to take me home so I can
figure all of this out.”

“I
agree. Get your things, and let’s get out of here,” I said and grabbed my
clothes.

We
were out the door in no time and on the way. I didn’t know what to say to Olivia.
Is there ever a right thing to say after someone loses
their
father? That I don’t know. All I know is that on the drive home, she held back
tears while I gently stroked her hand. Maybe it was enough just that I was
there, or maybe I should have had the words to make it somehow better. Either
way, I think she knew that I was there for her, no matter what happened. Things
were going to get worse before they got better, but I was in this for the long
haul. Just like we shared love, passion, and humor, we also shared pain now.

Chapter 12

Grief

I
eventually found out that Olivia’s dad had shot himself. I wasn’t able to see
Olivia much. She had a lot to talk about with her mom. I felt bad. I needed to
be doing more in this situation, but I was clueless as to what that was. As I
sat down in the living room, my uncle turned his attention toward me. Olivia
might have been getting a pass about us staying out all night because of what happened,
but I wasn’t.

“We
need to talk,” Uncle Gary said.

“I’m
sorry. I know I shouldn’t have been out all night, and I definitely should have
called if I was going to be. I don’t have a good excuse. I’ll just say this. I
can live with this choice and the consequences that come with it. I think I was
where I was supposed to be last night.”

My
uncle thought about my response for a second. It was getting close to
Christmas, and grounding me right before the holidays just seemed cruel. Then
again, he had to do something.

“You’re
grounded from seeing any friends, except for Olivia. I know that’s not much of
a punishment, but her dad just died. She’s going to need you now. Over the next
month, you’ll also be shoveling all the snow out front without any help from
me, and this is Wisconsin, so there’s going to be a lot of it.”

“I
can accept that. Thank you for understanding and not keeping me away from her.”

“You’re
welcome, but where were you last night?”

“I
don’t know if I should tell you that.”

“Always
be honest with me, and we won’t have problems. I’m not a complete prude. I was
once sixteen, and it’s not like I was never out all night with a girl. I just
want to know where you were.”

“We
went out of town to the restaurant where you asked Aunt Kristen to marry you.
Afterward, we got a hotel room. It wasn’t supposed to turn into an all night
thing, but we fell asleep. I hope you’re not too disappointed in me.”

“I’m
not. Like I said, I was young once. Just make sure you don’t take staying the
night with her lightly, especially now when she’s in mourning. You might end up
being the person she tries to hold onto through everything.”

“How
should I be there for her? I mean, what do you say in a moment like this?”

“It’s
not what you say. It’s what you do. That applies to everything else in life,
too. Be there for her through everything. When she needs a shoulder to cry on,
be that person. Most importantly, be understanding. She might lash out at
people, but that’s normal. Be the person you would want to be around if your
dad had just died.”

“Thanks
for this,” I said and started to head upstairs.

“Where
are you going? You have snow to shovel,” he said.

I
looked at Uncle Gary like
are you joking
.
He wasn’t, and I spent my morning shoveling snow. For a Miami boy who had never
seen anything that resembled winter weather, it was a new experience, but it
was one I deserved. I didn’t regret my time with Olivia, but a phone call to my
aunt and uncle was the least I could have done.

As
I was finishing up, I saw Olivia step out of her house and run to her car. She
looked upset. Before I even got a chance to talk to her, she was in her car and
gone. I looked at the front door to see her mother standing there. She looked
upset. It was obvious that some type of fight had just occurred. A part of me wanted
to go over there and ask her what was going on, but it wasn’t the time. Her
ex-husband was dead. Questions would only make things worse. Still, I was
worried, and throughout the afternoon, I kept coming back to what I had
witnessed. Was Olivia okay, and what should I be doing right then?

When
the evening rolled around, I heard a knock at the door. It was Ms. Winters. She
looked upset.

“I’m
sorry to bother you, Eric, but have you heard from Olivia?” she asked.

“No,
I haven’t. I saw what happened this morning. Did she not come back?”

“No,
and I’m starting to get worried about her. She wasn’t in the best state of mind
when she left. If you hear from her, please call me immediately.”

“I
will. I’m sorry for your loss, by the way.”

“Thank
you.”

I knew
where Olivia was. There was only one place she could be after the death of her
father. Odds were that she was at the first place she ever showed me. She had
gone there on the night that her dad left, and I couldn’t imagine her going
anywhere else on the night after he died. I explained what was going on to my
aunt and uncle and asked if it would be all right if I stepped out to bring her
back home. They told me it was fine, and I drove out to her secret spot. Sure
enough, I found her waiting there. She was sitting in the snow outside of her
car. It was freezing outside. I didn’t know how long she had been there, but I
knew I had to get her warm quickly. I got out and pulled her up from the
ground. Then I wrapped my arms around her. She was freezing. Without
hesitation, I picked her up and carried her to my warm car. Once we were
inside, she spoke.

“What
are you doing here?”

“Your
mom said you never came back. I knew you would be here, so I came to make sure
you were okay.”

“Well,
do I look okay? Nothing is all right, and it won’t ever be again.”

“I
don’t completely know how you feel, but . . .”

“That’s
right! You
don’t
know! Just leave.
This is something I have to go through on my own.”

“No.
I’m not leaving, even if you want me to. When you hurt, I hurt. Now, tell me
what’s going on. Why aren’t you at home with your mom?”

“This
is why,” she said and handed me a stack of letters.

I
looked through them to see that they were letters from her dad. He had written many
over the years. The first letter explained why he left her mother. There were
just too many problems. Their fights always seemed to turn physical, and he
didn’t feel like that was
who
he was. Away from her
mother, he felt like he was a calm person. He had to leave because he didn’t
like the man he was becoming with her. His later letters asked her about school
and life. He told her that he was living in a town about an hour away. She was
invited to come visit him anytime. The last letter was the kicker, though. He
was depressed. When he called, Heather wouldn’t let him speak to her, and she
didn’t answer any of his letters. He missed his daughter, and he felt like a
failure for abandoning her. He expressed extreme regret for walking away. Even
if her mom drove him crazy, he felt like it was his failure as a man that he
walked out. The last thing he said was very telling.

“Olivia,
I’m going through a lot of things that I don’t even know how to describe to you.
No matter what happens, just know this. Your daddy always loved you. I failed
you in ways that are unforgivable. You should have never seen your mother and
me fighting, and I should still be there. I’m not, though, and I can’t change
the past. Just know that I’m so sorry. I hope you read this letter, and I hope
I hear back from you. Either way, you’ll always be my little girl. I love you more
than anyone or anything in this world.”

At
the bottom, it was signed Dad. I didn’t know what to say. Why had Olivia never
answered her father? Was her mom hiding these letters from her?

“What
are these? I thought you never heard from your dad again,” I said.

“Isn’t
it obvious? My mom didn’t want me talking to him. She never gave me the letters
or even told me he called. I thought he abandoned me, but he still wanted to be
my dad. If I had just answered one letter or call, then maybe that would’ve
been enough to keep him alive. How can I go back to that house when she took my
father away from me?”

“What
she did was wrong, but she didn’t kill your dad. I’m so sorry that all of this
has happened, but don’t shut her out. You lost one parent last night. Don’t
lose another by refusing to let her explain herself.”

“That’s
really easy for you to say. You’re just some spoiled rich kid from Miami who
never had a single problem until a few months ago. What could you possibly know
about something like this?”

“Well,
that hurts. I might be a spoiled rich kid, but I’m the best friend you have
right now. I always will be. Don’t push me away when you need me the most.”

“I’m
sorry. I don’t know why I said that. I know you’ve been through a lot, and it
was wrong of me to insult you that way. You’re only trying to help. I just
don’t know what to do anymore. Last night, I thought my life couldn’t get any
better. It felt like you and I were starting something so special, and that’s
all I could focus on. The next morning, it fell apart, though. Now all I can
see is everything I’ve lost.”

“That’s
okay. I’m still going to be here when you’ve found a way to live with this. As
a matter of fact, I’m going to be here with you every step of the way. I don’t
just want you at your best. I want you at your worst, too, and no one could
blame you if you lost yourself for a while now. My dad is in prison, and I miss
him, but I know he’s still alive. I don’t know how I would feel in your
situation, but I know one thing. You would be there for me, so I’m going to be
whatever you need through all of this. What is it that you need me to be?”

“Exactly
what you’re being right now. I just want you to sit here with me and look up at
the stars.”

“Then
that’s what I’m going to do,” I said and put her hands in mine.

Slowly,
she warmed up. There was still an extreme coldness in her, however. It was as
if a part of her had died that night.

“Eric,
do you remember when I told you why I used to come here?” she asked.

“Yeah.
You were here when he left, and a part of you always thought that it might work
in reverse. Maybe he would come back one night while you were staring up at
these stars.”

“Do
you think that could ever work?”

“I
don’t know what you mean.”

“Neither
do I. I just wish I could get him back. I want to talk to him one last time.”

“So
talk to him. You never knew he was trying to write or call you, but you know
where he is now. He’s in Heaven, and I’m sure God would let him hear you. Just
look up to the stars, and say whatever you feel.”

“This
from the man who hates God.”

“I
don’t have anything against God. I was just angry back in the summer. It was
stupid of me to blame Him, though.”

“Well,
it doesn’t seem so stupid from where I’m sitting.”

“That’s
not you, Olivia. You’re smarter than I am. You go to church every Sunday.
You’re a good person, and you know that something like this wasn’t done to you.
It’s just something that happened. Don’t you want to at least say something to
your dad just in case he can hear you?”

“I
do, but what I have to say to him isn’t nice.”

“I
won’t judge you. Just say whatever you have to.”

She
paused for a moment and looked up at the stars. These same stars had been her
hope for so long, and now they were only a symbol of a father who could never
come home. We often think of innocence being lost after a certain age or a sexual
experience, but in my heart, I knew that this tragedy and those stars had
stolen her innocence. The hopeful Olivia I knew was gone. Sure, she was still
buried in there somewhere deep, but the girl I knew was forever changed by
hardship and loss.

“Dad,
I have a few things to say to you. You’re not going to like one of them. I
didn’t know that you ever wrote me or called. For that, I can’t forgive Mom. I
hate her. I know that’s wrong, but I can’t even look at her now. I’m angry with
you, too. I don’t hate you, but I’m confused. How could you leave me alone
here? You left me when I was just a kid, and then you killed yourself on a
night that was supposed to be the most special one of my life. You were
supposed to come back, and we were supposed to be a family again. I thought you
would walk me down the isle one day. All of that’s gone now, thanks to your
selfish decision. I can’t forgive you for that or possibly understand it. I
love you, though. That will
never
change.
Even after everything we’ve been through, I love you in the same way I did when
I was a little girl sitting on your lap. I miss you more than I can describe. I
just feel like I’ve been robbed of someone so great tonight, and the worst part
is that you were the one who committed that crime. You stole a very important
part of my life, and that’s inexcusable. If you can hear me, though, I want you
to know this. You’re my dad, and I’ll never have another one. I was always
proud to call you my father, even when you and Mom fought and when you left.
I’m even proud now. I’ll miss you, but I know I’ll see you again some day. Until
then, I’ll be writing letters to you and leaving them by your grave.
Apparently, I have a lot of catching up to do because you wrote me so much over
the years. I hope somehow you’ll read my letters. I look forward to the day
that I see you in person. It was always my dream to see you one more time.
Until then, I love you. Goodbye for now,” she said as tears started to fall
down her cheeks.