Doubt (The Connected Series Book 1) (16 page)

I find myself at
Starbucks
. Not feeling hungry, I get a smoothie and flag down the next taxi I see to take me home. It starts to rain on the drive to my flat, rain sliding down the windows as we drive along. Doug’s voice echoes in my head,
Be brave, for me. Please.
How can I be brave when my heart is breaking? The taxi pulls up outside my flat and I pay him without saying a word. I let myself in and the silence hits me like a bus. I push the door closed, barely making it to the sofa, before I am gasping for breath, the pain taking over. 

I must have cried myself to sleep because I wake up with a horrendous headache. Lifting myself off the sofa, I go in search of some painkillers and coffee. While the kettle boils, I check my phone. I have five text messages and an alert from my voicemail. Deciding I need a shower and a coffee before I face anything, I put it back down, make a coffee and head to the bedroom. The shower helps ease some of the tension but does little for my head. Wrapping myself in the biggest, fluffiest towel I own, I slip my feet into my slippers and head back to the kitchen to face whatever is on my phone. Grabbing a banana, I curl my feet under me and begin to read through the texts. As I thought, three are from Doug. 

Let me know you are safe. Please. X

The Vow is on tonight at 8. I know it’s one of your favourites. X

I’ve left you a voicemail. Please let me know you are okay. Please. X

RU hungover? Do u want 2 meet 4 brunch? xx

Hey sis. My flight gets in @ 6.30 2moro Can u still pick me up? :) 

Shit
. I forgot all about my brother coming back. And tomorrow? That’s all I need. Actually, it could be exactly what I need. I text him back telling him yes. Then I text Miley back telling her no, I wasn’t hungover and that I had overslept. I would call her soon. I listen to my voicemails before replying to Doug.

Soph
ie, it’s me. I know you
’
re upset. I just want a chance to talk this through with you. Please?
I
’
ll be ready whenever you are. I love you; it is breaking my heart knowing I
’
ve caused you so much pain. I know it’s a shock. It was for me too. But we can work through this, can
’
t we? Together?
I need you. Please. Call me.
 

His voice is agonised and I almost press his number. But I don’t. Not yet. I skip to the next message, he sounds worried now.

Sophie, I don’
t expect a call, but you haven
’
t replied to my texts asking if you are okay and safe. If I don
’
t hear from you by three this afternoon, I
’
m coming round to check.
 

Looking at the time on my phone I see it’s already 2pm. I text him, telling him I’m safe, and please don’t come over, I’m not ready to see him. His reply comes through seconds later. 

I love you. That won’t change.

Sunday goes without any further incidents. I walk to the supermarket and buy myself a whole load of comfort food. Cottage pie; Kettle Chips; ice cream; Maltesers and Coke Zero. I walk back to my flat and lie on the sofa watching crap TV.

At 8pm I find what channel
The Vow
is on and sob my way through it. Not even seeing
Channing Tatum
’
s
naked arse cheers me up. I can’t face going to sleep in my room, memories of Doug flood my brain as soon as I step in there, so like a coward, I grab my duvet and pillow and go to sleep on the sofa, leaving the TV on for company.

***

I look like shit.

I wipe my hand across my bathroom mirror, trying to clear the fog. I wish I hadn’t bothered. My eyes have dark circles under them. I’m pale and my skin is blotchy from so much crying. I get to work on trying to cover some of it. It takes time, but by the time I’m finished, I look semi-decent. I shrug on my black jeans and a camisole under an oversized grey jumper, pull my hair into a messy side bun and head out. Today was going to be a long day, I could tell. 

By 11.30am, I was regretting my decision to come into work. The model I was making up today was gushing about how in love she was, how her boyfriend had surprised her with a trip to Venice blah, blah, fucking blah. I wanted to scream and burst into tears, probably at the same time. Instead, I nod and smile and ooh and ahh in all the right places. If she was to quiz me on what she just said however, I’d have no fucking clue.

It gets to 1pm and the shoot is finished, I have never been so glad of anything in my life. I need food in the flat so I head to the supermarket, I lose myself in the food aisles and before I know it, its 3.45pm and I am rushing to get back. I put clean towels in the spare room for Harry, and head out to go and get him.

Waiting at arrivals, my phone rings, I look at who it is, never having to screen calls this much before. But Doug has been calling every hour. I’ve ignored them all. My mum’s name shows up on my screen and I swipe to answer.

“Hi mum.”

“Sophie is my boy there yet?” she sounds excited.

“Not yet. I’m just waiting for him now.” I look around making sure I haven’t missed him.

“Will you call me, no better than that, can you get Harry to call me as soon as he gets to you?” spotting him walking towards me I let him know its mum on the phone, he shakes his head
no
. 

“Sophie? Are you still there?” 

“Yes mum. Look, I’ll get him to phone you when we get back to the flat okay.” I reach out and wrap my arms around his waist as he hugs me to him. I have to fight the tears that threaten to fall. 

“Okay, but don’t forget please. I’ve missed him.” I lift my eyes to my brother and smile.

“I won’t forget mum, I’ve missed him too.” I lock eyes with my brother and smile.

“Okay, I’ll speak to you later, bye love.” hanging up the phone I squeeze Harry tighter to me.

 “You missed me huh?” he chuckles.

 “Yes actually, I missed your annoying arse more than you know.” Laughing he turns to walk towards the car park. 

“Well, I’m here now. I wonder how long it will be before you wish I was back traveling.” guiding him to a ticket machine to pay, I look over my shoulder.

“Already am Hazza.” I smile.

Having my brother stay with me, keeps my mind off of Doug for all of an hour. After a lengthy conversation with mum, he agrees to go and see them this weekend. Unfortunately, I have a wedding this weekend so can’t go with him. Suddenly, the thought of being looked after by my mum and dad for a weekend is incredibly tempting.

“Why don’t you grab a shower and I’ll cook us some dinner?” Harry stands and stretches.

“That sounds great Soph, will Doug be joining us?” He scratches his beard and looks at me, waiting for a reply. 

“Umm. No. He has a meeting; he said to tell you he’d see you soon though.” I’m not ready to explain what is going on with Doug and I to anyone. 

“Shame, I missed his ugly face.” he grins walking off.

Me too Harry, me too.

After Harry has his shower and we’ve had dinner, we sit on the sofa and chat. He fills me in on what he has been up to for the last eight months. It turns out he never left Australia, he hasn't been traveling at all. I find this odd.

“So, you have been in one place, all this time?”

“Yes.” he scratches his jaw and doesn’t meet my eye.

“So, what made you stay? I thought you wanted to travel, see the world?” I keep my eyes on him, waiting for some kind of reaction.

“I just... I
liked
Australia. A lot.” he still doesn’t meet my eyes.

“You’re lying, Hazza. I know you are. Is it a girl?”

“Why would it be a girl?” he shifts uncomfortably on the sofa and looks at me. I can see pain in his eyes and something else I can’t put my finger on.

“Well, something bought you home. You were happy as a pig in shit when we last spoke. What changed?”

“I just wanted to come home, okay?” he stands, running his hands over his face. “Look, I’m knackered. I’m going to go to bed. Thanks for letting me stay, Loafy. You’re a life saver.”

“And I’ll be here to listen when you’re ready to talk, okay?” I reach up and kiss his stubbly chin. “I’m always here.”

“I know. Thanks.”

Something tells me, I’m not the only one hiding something.

***

The week rolls by and before I know it, it’s Sunday. The wedding went well, Harry got to mum and dad’s safely and Doug is still calling, texting and has even been to the flat a few times - I didn’t open the door. I just wasn’t sure what to say. It has been a week since I last saw him and it has taken every ounce of my willpower not to go and see him. To tell him that I can forgive and forget. But I can’t. I know I am being unreasonable, I know this is as hard for him as it is for me, but I’m too angry at him to see things clearly.

What upsets me most is the fact he lied, sure, him being a father was a lot to take in. But nothing more than I could handle, at least, I didn’t think it was. But the lying, that is what really got to me. I had to decide what to do, this wasn’t fair to Doug and it sure wasn’t doing me any good. 

I was up and out by 7am the next morning. I had a really big job on today, it was the first part of a shoot for a well known magazine and if I could get in with the photographer and stylist, it could open some big doors for me. On my drive to the shoot Miley called.

“Hey Miley.” I’m surprised how normal my voice sounds seeing as I had hardly slept.

“Sophie, whats going on with you and Doug?”

Shit
. I thought I had managed to stop this whole pile of crap getting back to Miley. 

“What do you mean?” I tried to make my voice normal but failed. 

“Don’t shit about Sophie, Jonathan came home last night and told me Doug was at
Coopers
all weekend. He said he had to send him home, he looked like shit and tried to start a
fight
with
Jonas
.”

I inhaled sharply, pain filling my chest. Jonas was massive, but he was a friendly giant, Doug knew it took a lot to get him going. 

“So? What the fuck is going on Sophie? Why is Doug starting fights with giants and drinking all weekend...
without you
? “

 “It’s too complicated to explain on the phone Miley, but he fucked up.” I have to pull over, I can’t see through the tears now spilling down my cheeks.

“What did he do Sophie?” her voice is soft now, sympathetic. 

“H-e.... h-e... h-e has... a... daughter, Miley.” she is quiet.

 “Fuck Soph. When the
hell
did that happen? He hasn’t told Jonathan, are you sure?”

“I’m sure, he told me” I wipe at my eyes, “I’ve seen her photo.” I whisper.

“Come over tonight okay? Jonathan will be at work, I’ll cook, and we can talk.”

This is why Miley was so great. She wouldn’t judge Doug or I until she knew the whole story. And even then, if I was being a dick, she’d tell me. 

“Okay.” 

“I love you Soph, you know that. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what.” 

“I know. I have to go, I’m going to be late, I’ll see you later.” 

***

After an excruciatingly painful evening with Miley which included her telling me, she could understand why I was so upset, but that I owed it to Doug to hear him out, I get home late. As usual the flat is dark, cold, empty. I dump my bag and jacket in the lounge and flick through my post. There, in the perfect scrawl of Doug is a letter. I bring it to my face, it smells like him. There is no address, he was here earlier. I slip my finger into the corner and open the envelope, pulling out his letter I begin to read. 

Dear Sophie
 

Life since you left.... it’s been awful. I can
’
t sleep, I can
’
t eat, I
 can
’
t concentrate. Everyone at the office stays clear of me unless they have to, poor bastards.
 

I cannot even begin to tell you how much I
 
miss you. Since our worlds collided, it’s always been you, Sophie. Every breath, every beat of my heart, it’s all been for you. Without you, each breath is a struggle, my heart beats that little bit slower. I need you like I
’
ve never needed anyone or anything before.
 

I can
’
t keep apologising to you in texts or voicemails, or even this letter. I need to see you, to make you see, my life is YOU and it always will be.
 

Things have changed, I know that. I am a father now and I can
’
t and don
’
t want to change that.
 
I know we can work this out. I know you need me, but Abigail does too and I know with all my heart, your kindness and your big heart will mean you will understand that.