Echoes of the Heart (16 page)

‘That’s just it. You wanted the money for your aunt, not for yourself.’

‘Same thing.’

Jake lost his cool. ‘No, it damned well isn’t!’ he almost yelled at Amanda. ‘Do you have any idea how I feel knowing that I —’ A frustrated growl dislodged itself from his throat. He’d been able to argue with his conscience about his plan to manipulate her into bed when he’d believed she was no better than a hooker. The harsh reality of the situation was a forceful kick in the guts, and he was even more appalled by his actions. Amanda’s loathing of him was justified and he’d never despised himself so much.

Sure, she’d wanted him—there was no doubt in his mind about that, but he’d unknowingly taken advantage of her love for her aunt and that wasn’t the way he wanted her.

Then how do you want her?

Unable to analyse how Amanda’s motivation for the money changed things between them, he pushed the question to the back of his mind. He was too confused right now.

A giant battering-ram made contact with the barrier around his heart as he absorbed the hurt expression in her eyes. Fatigue, tension and worry were etched into her face. She looked haunted, like she had when she’d come to his office and asked for a job. The battering-ram delivered another mighty blow and his defences crumbled. If only he’d known the reason behind her request.

Would it have made any difference?

Irene’s illness didn’t alter his need to take Amanda as his lover, but he would’ve given her the money for her aunt’s treatment unconditionally. One way or another Amanda would’ve come back to him. The fire between them was self-igniting. It would only have been a matter of time.

She’d sold herself to him to help her aunt.

His breath caught in his throat. An idea took root in his mind and his jaw slackened. The reason Amanda wanted money was to help her aunt. She hadn’t denied marrying Bennett for his money, but…

‘That wasn’t how it was!’
she’d cried when he’d made the accusation at Bennett’s funeral. Irene’s condition had worsened around the time Amanda had married.

He focused on her with every atom of his being. ‘Did you marry Bennett to help your aunt?’

An agonised little gasp escaped through her lips and he watched her throat work up and down as she swallowed. There was no need for her to answer—the truth was revealed in her expression.

He exhaled a long breath. Finally he thought he understood. Her marriage had been about helping her aunt. But why keep her reasons a secret when the truth partly exonerated her actions?

Amanda looked away. ‘I can’t…discuss this with you.’ Her voice was full of apprehension, heavy with tears that begged to be released.

At a furious rate, his mind strained to find the answers she wouldn’t supply. ‘I’m right, aren’t I? You didn’t marry Bennett because you cared for him or for what he could buy for you. You agreed to marry him for what he could provide for your aunt. She needed medical care. Expensive medical care. You did it for Irene, didn’t you?’

A strangled cry broke from deep within her. Relief flowed through him, knowing that gaining support for her aunt was probably the reason she’d married. He also felt, and responded to, her anguish. He gathered her into his arms and held her tight while a dam of emotion burst within her. Sobs wracked her slender body. The tears flowed, making his shirt damp against his chest.

It killed him to see her in such a state. The stress she’d been under must have been incredible. A knife twisted in his heart as he realised he’d added to her stress.

‘This is a tangled mess,’ he said on a long exhalation. ‘I don’t know what to say except that I’m sorry I’ve made it impossibly worse and treated you in a way you haven’t deserved. I can only hope you’ll forgive me for that.’

Offering her a handkerchief from his pocket made her cry even harder.

His mind leapt from one thought to another as he tried to assemble all the pieces of a complex jigsaw puzzle. One thing remained unclear. Had she deliberately set out to fall pregnant to trap the lawyer into marriage?

When Jake met her, she’d been completely naive. He’d taken all the precautions for contraception. Back then she hadn’t been on the pill, and she wasn’t on it now. Had she fallen into bed with Bennett not thinking of the consequences rather than cold-bloodedly setting out to conceive his child?

Jake heard she’d miscarried within a couple of months of her marriage. How had that affected her? He’d never stopped to consider that. In his own grief and bitter disillusionment, he’d been so full of her betrayal he’d been too shallow to give any thought to what she must have been through. She’d lost a child.

Her child.

His arms tightened around her. He’d never previously thought of the baby as her child, he’d always thought of it as Bennett’s. Had the loss of her child ripped her apart?

As her sobbing continued, Jake’s heart ached for her. A loveless marriage entered into for her aunt’s sake, then a miscarriage. Her heart-wrenching cries confirmed she’d been through hell and back, and all this time he’d only been thinking of his own personal hell. Never had he considered she might be the victim of circumstance, but now, his intuition told him her motivations had been unselfish. Remorse struck through the heart of him. He’d been so wrong, so blinkered in his beliefs about her.

Her sobs finally subsided. She moved to pull out of his arms, but he wouldn’t let her go. ‘Please, Amanda, trust me. Tell me the truth of how you came to marry Bennett.’

‘Let me go!’ She pummelled her fists ineffectively against his chest.

‘I know I’m right.’ He caught her wrists and held them in front of her. ‘You married him so he’d help your aunt.’

No response.

‘What did he do?’ He searched for an answer. ‘Did he pay for her nursing care?’

Amanda held her breath and bit her lip. Eventually, she released a shuddering breath. ‘The waiting list for public nursing home care was long,’ she told him in a flat, shaky voice. ‘It would have taken two years to get Irene into proper care. Lloyd did for Irene what I couldn’t afford to do. He got her into an exclusive private nursing home and paid for her care and accommodation.’

Jake’s hands slackened around Amanda’s wrists. ‘He had the means to solve your problems,’ he summed up quietly.

She pulled herself free and vaulted away from him.

‘He was my boss. He knew about Irene. He wanted to marry me, Jake. I didn’t go after him,’ she defended. ‘I didn’t trap him into marriage.’

Jake’s heart twisted as he looked at her beautiful, tear-stained face. His mouth clamped tight as he thought about Bennett taking advantage of her plight. It seemed Bennett had knowingly used her love for her aunt to bribe her into marriage. Jake’s teeth grated at what that sleaze-ball had got in return—two years of Amanda in his bed. Two years that should’ve belonged to Jake.

Amanda was the victim. Bennett and her aunt the victors. He frowned. ‘Did your aunt push you into it?’

‘No!’ She looked aghast. ‘She thinks I loved Lloyd. She has no idea…She’d be horrified…You can’t tell her!’

His hands clenched and he fought the urge to slam his fists into something. ‘Why didn’t you tell me all this?’

‘Would you have believed me?’

There was no defence in her tone. The question was full of indignation, and as he watched the fresh tears well in her eyes he registered that she was right to attack his belief in her. He realised he wouldn’t have believed her because his bitter cynicism had run too deep.

‘No, I wouldn’t have,’ he admitted. ‘But you could have come to me for help before you made the decision to marry Bennett.’ Pain speared through him. ‘I was there, Amanda.’ He’d loved her. ‘Why didn’t you come to me for help? I had the means to help you financially.’

‘You weren’t there!’ she retorted in disgust. ‘Our very brief affair was over. When things got desperate, I did call you. When Sophie answered and told me you were in the shower, I...I just couldn’t go ahead with asking you. I...I couldn’t bring myself to speak to you. There was no way I could ask you for money. I was a passing distraction to you, nothing more.’

Oh, God! She really believed that.

Her belief was shattering, making him feel hollow. How, when he thought they’d been so close, had she doubted him so much? His eyes captured hers and held them. ‘You were always much more than a distraction, Amanda.’

Amanda’s chest rose and fell with each quick, shallow breath. What did Jake mean? That he’d always wanted to set her up as his mistress?

‘Were you involved with Bennett when you first slept with me?’ Jake asked quietly. ‘Had he really insisted you lose your virginity before he marry you?’

Her eyelids fluttered down so Jake couldn’t see the truth of how much she’d loved him.

Silence dragged between them. The atmosphere in the room was thick with unspoken anguish.

‘I need to know, Amanda.’

Hearing his deep plea, she opened her eyes and saw lines of strain around his eyes and mouth. ‘No,’ she admitted, her voice a thin thread of sound. ‘Lloyd was my boss. There was nothing else between Lloyd and I when I met you.’

She heard him expel his breath on a quiet sigh and saw some of the tension ebb away from his shoulders. Now they’d reached this point, it was vitally important to her that Jake understand and accept that she’d never set out to trap either man into marriage.

‘I…I honestly didn’t know who you were when I met you,’ she began. ‘I wasn’t out to snare a rich husband. I slept with you because…because…’ She covered her face with her hands.

‘Because?’

There was stress in his voice but she couldn’t confess her love for him, couldn’t bear the humiliation of that admission. How could she acknowledge just how much she loved him when it wasn’t returned?

The warmth from his hands seeped into her as he gently removed her hands from her face, forcing her to look at him.

‘I was very attracted to you, Jake. I still am.’

‘Amanda, I —’

‘I want to get back to my aunt,’ she said firmly.

He stood still as she moved toward the door. She reached out for the doorknob and turned it.

‘I’ll arrange for immediate payment of the drug treatment.’

Jake’s quiet words of promise dropped into the fraught silence between them. Relief and gratitude flooded through her. But although her prayers for Irene were being answered, the deal she’d made with Jake still weighed heavy in her heart. Her hand dropped away from the doorknob and she turned back to Jake. ‘Thank you,’ she said sincerely. ‘Irene would hate publicity.’

Jake had never looked so hesitant, so uncertain.

‘I misjudged you, Amanda.’ He swallowed. ‘I’m sorry.’

Everything inside her soared. This was an enormous admission from Jake. It felt like they were at an important turning point and she’d won back a little of his respect. A little flicker of hope ignited within her. She searched his face for a clue as to where they went from this point, but a shutter closed down on his features making him impossible to read.

Biting down on her lip, unsure of what he expected from her, she turned and opened the door. Not only did she need to escape this awkwardness with Jake, but she wanted to return to Irene’s bedside.

Jake sank into the closest chair and buried his face in his hands as soon as Amanda left the room, trying to come to terms with all he’d learned. He’d been a fool.

When Bennett died, Amanda walked away with nothing. Worse than that, she was subject to scorn from Sydney society. She hadn’t even been able to get a decent job!

He ran his hands through his hair, pushing his palms against his temples as he mentally castigated himself for treating her so harshly. Lips pressed together tightly he closed his eyes and forced himself to think back through all he knew about Amanda.

At twenty-five years old, she’d been a virgin when she met Jake. That proved she wasn’t a woman who fell into bed easily. It seemed she’d been lured and trapped in a loveless marriage. By her own confession, she was still attracted to Jake.

Jake had acted with a total lack of honour, blackmailing Amanda into his bed. Twice now he’d taken her in passion, although this morning his possession of her had been deliberately detached—completely mechanical. This morning he’d been on a crusade to sate his lust and slay the dragon that made him vulnerable to her.

He hadn’t hurt or been rough with her—he’d never do that—but there’d been no tenderness, no slow, leisurely re-acquaintance of her body. He’d plundered her softness and she’d met his ardour every step of the way. In the end he’d walked away from her unsure of whether he had conquered or been vanquished. The more he had her, the more he wanted her, and he couldn’t imagine his need lessening.

The payment for Irene’s ongoing medical costs would be arranged immediately but he wouldn’t make Amanda prostitute herself for her aunt’s well-being. Now that he knew her true motivation, he wouldn’t take advantage of her. He wasn’t like Bennett and he had to make sure she knew that.

He lowered his hands from his face as he cursed Amanda’s former husband.

He paused. Did he have all the pieces of the puzzle? Why had Bennett forced Amanda into marriage? He must have been besotted with her—Jake knew the feeling.

Jake frowned. From what he’d heard about Bennett, the man was a totally self-centred egomaniac. Suddenly, he doubted the lawyer had possessed the capacity to love. The whole idea of him having taken his own life because his wife was supposed to have been having an affair was preposterous. The pieces of the puzzle didn’t seem to fit together so neatly. Something was out of place. Instinct told him there was still a lot more to work out.

His gut urged him to start trusting Amanda again.

The physical desire still flared hot between them but just below the surface of his conscious thoughts there was something else nagging at him. More and more his actions indicated that his feelings ran deeper than lust…

A self-protective door closed on the jumble of thoughts cluttering his brain. He didn’t want to explore the feelings that lay at the end of the pathway of his thoughts, but he did want to establish trust and respect between them and see how their relationship developed.