Echoes of the Heart (20 page)

‘Amanda!’

‘I found him,’ she whispered. It took supreme effort to erase the images of Lloyd’s suicide from her head. ‘I keep reliving walking into the study and finding him dead. I have nightmares about it.’

‘That was what your nightmare was about the other night?’

She nodded.

Jake was appalled imagining what Amanda must have gone through. Knowing she’d faced the horror caused his chest to constrict. From now on, there’d be no more suffering, because he would be there to protect her. He squeezed her to him. ‘It’s all over now, sweetheart.’

‘The police interrogated me,’ she told him in trembling tones. ‘I was terrified I’d be found responsible in some way for a crime I didn’t commit.’

He stood up, crossed the room to a bar and poured a small glass of scotch to give to her. ‘Drink it,’ he commanded.

It was an effort to force the burning liquid down her tight throat. She spluttered a little as it scalded her raw throat. Then she sat cradling the crystal glass in her hands, lost in her own nightmares.

‘Obviously, the suicide note was rubbish,’ he said.

She gnawed nervously at her lip. More wounds needed to be opened in order for her to properly heal. She took another sip of the scotch, hoping the liquid would steady her nerves.

‘Lloyd became increasingly agitated that he wasn’t appointed as a judge. He was determined nobody would discover he was gay.’ She was unable to look at Jake while she made the next admission. ‘He’d already covered up his lie about my pregnancy by telling everyone I’d had a miscarriage. Earlier this year, he decided I had to have a child.’

Every one of Jake’s muscles tensed. The atmosphere was thick with strain. ‘He forced you to have sex with him to try to fall pregnant?’

‘No!’ She replaced the crystal glass on the coffee table and raised her hands to her throbbing temples. ‘Lloyd decided I should have a child through IVF.’

Jake hissed a curse from between his teeth.

‘I refused and he threatened to stop paying for Irene’s care. He became irrational and horribly abusive.’ She shuddered.

‘He hurt you?’ Jake asked tersely.

‘Not physically, but his verbal abuse was continual,’ she admitted. ‘Lloyd broke me down so cleverly, so thoroughly that there was a point I believed anything that went wrong was my fault. He berated me on a daily basis and ripped my confidence to shreds.’

Anger built within Jake. It turned to red-hot rage and for the first time in his life, he felt capable of murder. Everything in him wanted to lash out and cause physical bodily harm towards Bennett. He was damned lucky he was dead, because if he’d still been alive, Jake would have torn Bennett limb from limb.

‘He told me I was an embarrassment to him because I was so out of place in his sophisticated society and…’ she broke off on a sob.

Jake took a deep breath. His anger at Bennett wouldn’t help, and right now Amanda needed his support. He held her hands tight, trying to get her to feel his belief in her. ‘None of that is true, Amanda,’ he said fiercely. ‘Bennett really was an unhinged bastard.’

‘I hate that I allowed myself to be a victim,’ Amanda whispered.

The shame in her voice strangled his heart and guilt consumed him. By trying to buy her into his bed he’d also made her a victim. It was inexcusable behaviour. He’d known it at the time, but he’d tried to justify it by telling himself she deserved it. Deliberately, he’d tried to keep the emotion out of their relationship and pretend his feelings for her were based on sexual need alone. Unthinkingly, his behaviour must have served to reinforce her low self-worth. Did he even deserve another chance with her?

Amanda raised her head, but she didn’t meet his eyes. Her gaze was fixed at some point beyond him. When she spoke, her voice was detached.

‘Even though I refused to go along with his suggestion, he went for all the preliminary tests required for the IVF programme. He was advised he couldn’t proceed because his blood tests came back HIV positive.’

‘My God!’ Jake sucked in a shocked breath. He struggled to keep up with one ghastly revelation after another.

‘I’m not sure, but that could be the reason he committed suicide.’ She hesitated, wringing her hands together in her confusion. ‘The whole situation is tangled—a bit like his thought processes were at the end. Lloyd was devastated by the results of the blood test and also that his butler had been an unfaithful lover and passed on the HIV infection.’

Jake was stunned by Amanda’s revelations, and his mind was trying to absorb all the details. ‘There are improvements being made all the time in treating HIV.’

‘You have to understand that with his mental illness he was so depressed, he was incapable of rational thought,’ she told him.

‘Did he honestly believe you were having an affair with Middleton, or was that part of his paranoia?’ he asked.

‘That was sheer malice.’ She cringed. ‘Hugh and I have only spoken briefly about this, but we suspect he started planning his suicide soon after he found out about the HIV. That’s when he started rumours we were having an affair. Lloyd hated Hugh’s fast rise up through the law firm and resented his support of me.’

‘He set the stage so people would believe his suicide note?’ Jake questioned in sour disbelief.

‘Or perhaps he did it so that if his HIV progressed, he could claim I’d been promiscuous and infected him,’ she speculated. ‘Above all else, he wouldn’t have wanted people to find out about his sexuality.’

Amanda raised her troubled, blue eyes. They locked with Jake’s and he saw the shame in their depths.

‘The coroner ruled his shooting was suicide,’ she continued in weary tones. ‘But after Lloyd’s funeral, the homicide detectives tracked me down and questioned me again. They’d received information that there was a contract on Lloyd’s life.’

‘Murder?’ A chill ran through Jake’s blood.

‘There wasn’t enough evidence to re-open the investigation, but they received word that Lloyd had crossed one of the powerful underworld crime bosses he represented. We may never know if he was in the middle of a depression cycle and he killed himself because of his lover’s unfaithfulness, the HIV, or because he found out there was a contract on his life.’

Jake’s blood pounded hard through his veins. Always cool and in control, he’d never felt so close to panic. ‘You could be in danger.’

‘No.’ The answer was adamant. ‘I don’t know anything about Lloyd’s dealings in crime.’

‘But does everyone know that?’

‘This is one instance where I’m thankful for Lloyd’s opinion that I am stupid. In the same phone call I overheard, Lloyd reassured the other person that I was clueless and had no idea what was going on.’ Her lips twisted a little in bitter irony. ‘He described me as the ultimate blonde bimbo who couldn’t add two and two.’

Heart still thumping hard and fast, Jake struggled to work through the information with a clear head. If Amanda had been in any danger, surely she would have been an easy target in her King’s Cross bed-sit?

Still, Jake wouldn’t take any chances. The sooner his interest in Amanda became public notice, the safer she would be. Judging by the reporters’ questions this evening, their relationship would be front-page news tomorrow. If it wasn’t, he’d make a public announcement to ensure it was. No crime boss would court the storm of negative media publicity Jake would whip up if Amanda was threatened or harmed.

He would do anything to protect the woman he loved.

The acknowledgement of his love and the fierce protectiveness he felt toward Amanda made his heart swell. As he regarded her fraught expression and considered all she’d endured, he was overcome with regrets.

His eyes caught hers and held them with blazing power. ‘Why didn’t you tell me all this, Amanda?’

Flinching at the harsh, raw emotion of his expression and the bitter pain in his dark eyes, the relief she’d experienced in confessing the truth of her marriage turned to remorse. Tears stung and it was difficult to breathe. She parted her lips to reply but all that came out was an inarticulate, strangled sound. Still unable to look away from him, she watched the slide of his Adam’s apple up and down the strong column of his throat.

‘I couldn’t,’ she finally managed to confess on a note of agonised despair. She dragged her eyes away from his and briefly pressed her palms up over her face.

‘Amanda —’

Holding one hand up to silence him, she wiped her wet eyes with the back of the other and steeled herself to explain. ‘In the prenuptial agreement I signed, Lloyd agreed to continue to cover Aunt Irene’s nursing home expenses in the event of his death—but only if I didn’t reveal the true circumstances of our marriage.’

‘You didn’t —’

She bit her lip as his voice cracked with emotion and devastation spread across his face.

‘— trust me enough to tell me,’ he finished.

‘Jake, I —’

‘No.’ He shook his head. ‘It’s understandable. The way I treated you at Bennett’s funeral, and when you came to my office for help…’ He broke off.

She was choked by the wealth of regret she heard in his words as he blamed himself. Clenching his jaw and his fists, he appeared to be struggling to control his emotions. He turned his head and looked blankly across the room.

‘I was going to tell you all of this tonight. That’s why I wanted to leave the restaurant and speak to you in private,’ she offered, but knew the words were weak and inadequate as soon as she uttered them. Jake was hurt she hadn’t trusted him and she could see he was far away, tearing himself apart for his mistaken beliefs about her. Blaming himself when it was also her self-doubt that had broken down the trust.

With every second that he continued to turn away from her, a gaping chasm widened between them.

She couldn’t let that happen. Reaching out for him, she placed her hands on his arm, determined to breach it and regain the closeness they’d forged at the restaurant. ‘I’m sorry, Jake. I should’ve trusted you. I was wrong—about a lot of things.’

There was moisture in his eyes as he turned back to her. ‘I gave you no reason to trust me, Amanda. I treated you appallingly.’

Lifting a gentle hand to his face, she touched his cheekbone. Tears blurred her vision. ‘I still want to be with you, Jake, but I can’t do that to you.’ Her voice was so heavy with unshed tears she hardly recognised it as her own.

‘Amanda —’

‘I knew I had to tell you tonight. I couldn’t have been with you and have you believe all of Lloyd’s lies, and I certainly can’t leave you and have you thinking the worst of me.’

Capturing her hand in his, he pressed it to his lips with such tenderness that tears cascaded down her cheeks.

‘I’m not letting you go.’

‘You have to.’

‘You can trust me, Amanda,’ Jake vowed. ‘I won’t hurt you again.’

The woman who sat before him was the woman he loved.

The woman he’d never stopped loving.

He wouldn’t deny it to himself any longer. Couldn’t delude himself it was just desire or that his obsession with her was about a passion that would extinguish over time. That was a lie he’d repeated like a mantra because he’d misjudged her and thought she could only cause him more heartache. He hadn’t wanted to be vulnerable by acknowledging he loved her.

Far from having the passion die out, his need for her grew each time they made love. The goodness he’d seen in her and admired so much when he first met her—the kindness and generous spirit—it was all still there. It had always been there.

Bennett had recognised those qualities and taken advantage of them. Used her vulnerability—capitalised on it for his selfish purposes. Jake had also taken advantage of Amanda.

‘Forgive me for not believing in you,’ he begged through vocal cords that were thick with emotion.

More teardrops spilled from her eyes. ‘You didn’t know. You couldn’t know.’

‘I should’ve known in my heart,’ he said with bitter self-recrimination.

She withdrew one of her hands from his clasp and wiped at her eyes. ‘The reporters mentioned Lloyd’s former lover is challenging the will.’

‘So now the truth of Lloyd’s double life will come out,’ he said. Reaching out for the hand that lay scrunched in her lap he massaged the insides of her wrists. ‘You don’t have to worry about Irene,’ he told her firmly. ‘I’ll cover all of her accounts.’

‘You don’t have to. I didn’t go to the press with Lloyd’s secrets, his lover did. So Irene’s expenses —’

‘Will be covered by me in future,’ he cut in with determination. ‘That’s non-negotiable. I don’t want you or Irene using another cent of Bennett’s money.’

‘Jake —’

Jake’s jaw clamped tight again and his frown was intense as he grappled with the truth of all that Bennett had done. ‘He kept us apart for years,’ he said bitterly.

‘Jake.’ Her voice infiltrated his black thoughts. ‘I think Lloyd married me because he knew we’d been lovers.’

‘He knew?’

‘He was my boss. He heard me talking about you with another secretary in the coffee room. Later, when I tried to call you about Irene and Sophie answered, Lloyd found me crying at my desk.’

‘You could be right. He was a vindictive bastard!’

The light touch of her lips was like a healing salve. ‘There’s something else I have to say, Jake.’

Defensively, he stiffened in preparation for another bomb to explode. He’d heard enough. Bennett had caused enough damage.

The tentative smile she sent him was tremulous. ‘I truly didn’t have any lovers during my marriage.’

Slowly, his brain computed what she’d said.
No other lovers
. The ramifications of her words sank in and his heart soared.

‘I’ve been your only lover?’ he asked, wanting to make sure he’d understood.

‘Yes.’

‘Oh, Amanda.’ There was too much distance between them. Reaching out, he pulled her into his arms and she went willingly, snuggling against him. ‘There have been so many lies. So much pain.’

She was his.

She had always been his.

The kisses he pressed against the hairline of her forehead were intended to heal and to show her how sorry he was for her pain. He caressed her back with his hands, wanting to ease the tension from her body. He needed to restore the self-confidence Bennett had destroyed.