End Game (9 page)

Jason was real and he liked me. He actually
liked me. Why does he like me? Okay, I need to knock it off. I am
not going to start questioning all of this…again. I have questioned
it, but I can’t keep doing this. It is even getting old for me. I
will worry about it later tonight, when I lay in my bed and go
through a mini panic attack trying to not write in my journal.

Every night I have had one, because all I
wanted to do was write down all the things that could be signs of
being like her. Every night for the past three weeks I have been
able to control it. I have never felt proud of myself before that
first night I didn’t write in it. Even when I lost all my weight I
didn’t feel proud of myself. I was more filled with fear of gaining
it all back and how people would judge me if I did. I still deal
with that everyday. I will for the rest of my life.

Jason got the bill handled. He grabbed my
hand and we walked out walking hand in hand. I have never held a
guys hand before. Zane and I have never held hands in public. It
was weird…super cool. I am such a dork.

Jason and I thankfully don’t talk on the walk
back to my apartment. When we get into the apartment, I do a quick
scan and see that Rayanne isn’t home. I was seriously hoping she
was so I could abort this whole “make out with Jason plan” I
have.

As I started walking towards the couch, Jason
grabbed me, and kid you not, pinned me against the wall. I was half
excited, a bit shocked, and honestly a little turned on. What the
hell is wrong with me? I let him kiss me and then I felt his hands
start to go under my shirt. Here is where I had issues with this.
No boy has ever put his hand there in a sexual way before. Zane has
touched my belly, but that was because of the burns and scars. In
addition, since I once was a bigger girl, my stomach looked as if a
tiger had mauled it.

I pushed Jason’s hand away from my belly as
quickly as I could.

“Jason, I don’t think I am ready for that
yet. I will, and want to, keep kissing you, but you need to know
right now that the chance of you getting any kind of action tonight
is like zero. I mean I even mean over the clothes stuff is not
going to happen tonight, or any night in the near or far future. I
want to wait until I am in love with someone before I do that.” I
whispered out the last part feeling kind of like a dork for saying
it.

Jason took a step back from me and looked
down at my face. To say that he didn’t have a happy look on his
face is an understatement.

“This is bullshit! You are not hot enough to
put up with shit! I mean I figured you would be an easy lay,
because you used to be a fat girl and all. From my experience,
girls like you like to prove that shit to people. Just my fucking
luck! I get the one girl who has fucking morals or shit. I am doing
you a fucking favor by going out with you, Hannah.” Jason’s face
was getting bright red, and I can see the veins popping out of the
side of his neck. I am getting nervous and petrified.

“I only put the moves on you to piss Zane off
anyway. He has such a fucking hard on for you and I wanted to piss
him off.”

Jason put his hands on my arms and was
squeezing the shit out of them. I knew that tomorrow I would have a
bruise on both arms. What the hell has happened here? I tried to
push him off of me, but he wouldn’t let go of me. I was terrified
of him. I would have never thought for one second that he would act
like this.

“Do you have any idea who I could have
fucking been out with tonight Hannah? I wasted my time with you,
and you are going to give me something in return.”

Jason grabbed me and pulled me onto the
couch. I tried and twisted so hard to get away from him. I couldn’t
believe how strong of a hold he had on me. He sat me down and
finally let go of my arms. He stood in front of me, and I am
positive he was going for his belt buckle. Fuck that. Before I
could think, I did something that I never ever in my whole life
would have thought I could do, but this asshole has pissed me off!
I punched him right in the balls with as much force as I possibly
could. He immediately bent over and grunted in pain, and when he
did that, I stood and kneed him directly in the fucking face. I
made direct contact with his nose, and it immediately starting
gushing blood. He flopped backwards, onto the couch, and started
whining and crying like a little baby.

“What the fuck is wrong with you Hannah. I
can’t believe you hit me. I think you broke my nose you bitch,” he
whimpered, still trying to act all tough.

I started walking away towards the kitchen,
because as he was saying all this to me, he started coming towards
me.

“Jason, you need to leave right now!” I was
screaming at the top of my lungs at this point.

Jason stopped walking towards me and looked
at me for a second.

“You aren’t fucking worth it, bitch.”

He was walking towards the door, and after he
opened it and stepped outside, he turned to look back at me.

“You are fucking crazy, Hannah.”

“I am fucking crazy! You just tried to attack
me! You know what, how about I ask the police who is crazy in this
situation. Who will they go with on this Jason, me or you?”

“Fuck you! All I was doing was trying to help
you. Maybe you wouldn’t be such a bitch if you got laid once in a
while.”

Jason walked out, slamming the door so hard
that pictures on the wall shook and fell off the walls. I ran to
the door, locked it, and immediately fell to the floor crying. I
hadn’t cried until right now. I had so much adrenaline going that I
didn’t realize, until this moment, how scary what happened really
was. How could I have judged someone so wrong? I thought he was a
nice guy.

Chapter Thirteen

I am not sure how long I have been sitting at the
door crying, but it feels like hours. I can hear footsteps coming
up the stairs in the building, and I just pray that it is Rayanne.
I hear keys jangling at the door, and I know that it is Rayanne. I
hop up and check the peephole…just in case it isn’t her. I swing
the door open and jump into her arms. We fall backwards and hit the
wall in the hallway.

“Hannah, honey, what is wrong? Why are you
crying?”

“Rayanne, Jason…”

“Jason what Hannah. Did he hurt you?”

Before I could answer, Rayanne helped me back
into the apartment. She led me to the couch and sat down with
me.

“Did he hurt you? Please tell me.”

I looked at her and saw that she was really
afraid for me. I could see past all the stupid bullshit that has
gone on between us the last month or so, because it didn’t mean
anything. This girl loves me. She is my sister. It is weird, that
in this moment of being totally messed up because of what Jason
did, I can feel the love Rayanne has for me. I am loved, and I knew
I would be okay.

“He didn’t hurt me that much. He tried to,
but I think I broke his nose.”

“What? He tried to and you think you broke
his nose? What the hell happened Hannah?”

For the next 20 minutes I explained
everything. I explained how the asshole tried to force himself on
me, and how, amazingly, I was able to fight him off.

When I was done I sat there staring at her,
waiting for her to say something. It felt like forever before she
said anything, but I am pretty sure it was only a few minutes.

“Hannah, are you sure you are okay?”

“Yes, I am physically fine, but I am pretty
sure I just made my therapist’s job a lot harder,” I told, her half
joking and truthful.

“Don’t joke around about this Hannah. This is
a serious thing that happened to you.”

“I know that Ray, but if I don’t try to laugh
a little I may crumble underneath it all. I can’t do that. I will
not let some asshole take away everything that I have been trying
to overcome. I will not let Jason take away the person I am
starting to become.”

“I understand and respect that Hannah, but do
you think that maybe you should report it to the police?”

“I don’t know what I can report Ray. I mean,
he didn’t hurt me that much and I am the one who hit him. What if I
get in trouble and not him?”

“That can’t happen…can it Hannah? I mean he
put his hands on you. I can see bruises starting to form on your
arms.”

“Honestly, I would just rather forget about
it.”

Rayanne bolted off the couch and started
raising her voice to me. “You can’t Hannah! What if he tries this
with someone else and they don’t get the chance to hit him like you
did?”

I am shocked for a moment that this never
crossed my mind. How would I feel if he succeeded in his attempt
next time? I know how I would feel. I would feel horrible.

“Oh my God. I never thought of that. I can’t
let that happen. We have to go to campus police now. I will not let
him do this again.”

Rayanne grabbed me and hugged me so tight I
couldn’t breathe.

“I am so fucking proud of you Hannah. The
girl you are now is so different than the girl I grew up with. You
have changed so much in this last month. I feel like I am finally
getting to know the real you. Who you truly are is finally coming
through. And let me tell you, who you really are is a brave, smart,
creative, loving, and free person. Thank you for letting me be a
part of all of this. Thank you for finally letting me in.”

I stand there, listening to all she is
telling me, and I am overcome with emotion. I start to cry
hysterically.

“Hannah, I didn’t mean to upset you. Please
stop crying honey.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong Ray. Just all
those things that you just said are all the things that I want to
be. Thank you for telling me all of that.” I take a deep breath,
gather myself and tell her, “Now let’s go before I chicken
out.”

As we start to walk towards our door, we hear
a knock. We both look at each other and I know we are thinking the
same thing. What if it’s Jason again? Then I hear the best sound in
the world…Zane.

“Hannah Banana Split please let me in.”

“Zane?” I say as more of a question than a
statement.

“Yes, please let me in.”

I grab the handle of the door, open it and I
throw myself straight into his arms. I hear a grunt and a moan come
from Zane. I pull back to see if I hurt him some how.

When I look at him I can see that he has been
in a fight, and I can’t tell who won this fight. His lip is split
open and his left eye is starting to swell and bruise.

“Oh my God Zane! What the hell happened to
you?”

“If you let me in, then I can tell you.”

“I’m sorry. Please come in. Hurry.”

Chapter Fourteen

I open the door all the way and Zane walks in. He
goes straight to the couch and plops down. I walk to him and kneel
in front of him to look at his face. It looks even worse than I
thought, and I immediately stand up to get something to clean it.
Before I can even move, Rayanne is already coming out of the
bathroom with our first aid kit.

“Here. I figured you could use this.” She
hands me the kit and takes a seat on the other side of the
couch.

“So Zane, while Hannah cleans you up, wanna
tell us what the hell happened to you.”

I knelt down in front of Zane, got all the
cleaning stuff ready, and prepare for his answer. I already know
this fight has to do with what happened with Jason.

Zane looks at me and his eyes are dark and
sad. “Hannah is it true?”

“Is what true Zane, because I don’t know what
you think you know?”

“Did he try to hurt you?”

I am staring at Zane, like really staring at
him, and the look in his eyes is so sad. He is worried about me. It
is written all over his face. At this moment all the bullshit I had
built up in my head about him leaving me two in a half years ago
just disappeared. As much as I wanted him to stay and save me, that
was, and is never, his job. I had to do this, but with him in front
of me now, looking sad and close to tears because of what happened
to me, is amazing.

“Yes, Zane….”

Before I could finish my sentence, Zane was
up and jumping off the couch yelling.

“I am going to kill the fucking bastard
Hannah. No one has the right to hurt some one like that, and no one
has the right to hurt some one I fucking love!”

I immediately jump up, grab Zane’s cheeks in
my hands, and stand on my tiptoes to look him in the eyes.

“Look at me Zane. Really look. I am okay. I
am pretty sure I broke his nose, and I made damn sure that his
balls would be sore for at least a week.”

I could hear Rayanne in the background
laughing at that. Zane looked at me, and tried to give me a small
smile, but it seemed to cause him some pain.

“Are you sure Hannah? He didn’t hurt
you?”

I moved Zane and I back to the couch, so he
could calm down and I could finish cleaning his face.

“No Zane. He tried to make me do something I
didn’t want to, and I made sure he knew how much I didn’t want
to.”

I started cleaning the cuts on his face and I
almost couldn’t contain the nervous shaking that was for some
reason taking over my hands. I have never in all my years of being
friends with Zane been this close to his lips. I know that with
everything that happened tonight I shouldn’t be over come with the
need to want to kiss Zane more than anything, but guess what, I
am.

Zane leaned forward, pressed his forehead
against my forehead, and held my cheeks in his hand. He let out an
immense sigh. I swear I thought he was going to kiss me, and boy
did I want him to. I looked into his eyes and I could swear, or
maybe it is wishful thinking, that he wanted to.

He whispered into my lips. “Hannah, I am so
fucking proud of you. That asshole deserved what you did to
him.”

He leaned up and kissed my forehead. Yes…my
forehead. Okay, so I guess his desire to kiss me was all in my head
after all. Oh well. I felt devastated, but also so comfortable at
the same time. Him holding me so closely made me feel safe.