End Game (6 page)

Before I knew it, Zane and I had ended up
back in front of my apartment building. We said our goodbyes to
each other with an almost awkward hug. It felt different to me. I
had hugged Zane a thousand times in my life and this one felt like
more. I didn’t know why. I knew, deep down, Zane didn’t want more
than friendship with me, and I was just trying to trust him as a
friend again. Could I be completely honest with myself and admit
that, as much as I hated him for leaving me, I wanted him to want
me? What does that make me?

I was shaken out of my pity memory party when
my name was called. I guess I was about to spill all these thoughts
to my therapist. I stood up and it took everything in my power to
keep walking. As I walked through the doors to the office, I felt
like my life could be ending. What if this doctor thought I was
like my Mom? What would she find wrong with me? I kept walking,
because no matter what happened I wasn’t going to be her.

Chapter Eight

“So, how was your first class?” Rayanne asks me as we
are walking to lunch.

I asked Rayanne to come with Zane and I, so
it felt less like a date.

“It was really good actually,” I replied.

I am honestly surprised at how much I enjoyed
it. It was just an introduction to Sociology class but I think I
have finally figured out where I want my life to go.

“I think it made me realize what I want to do
with my life,” I tell Rayanne.

“That’s great Hannah. What did you decide?”
Rayanne asks me.

“I think I am going to go into social work. I
want to help kids who come from homes like mine. If only one person
had seen that my mom or I needed help, then maybe I wouldn’t be in
therapy right now.”

I cringe as I realize the two horrible things
I just said. First, I basically said that Rayanne and Aunt DeDe
weren’t there for me, and second, I just admitted to Rayanne that I
was seeing a therapist. Shit, Shit, Shit! How the fuck am I going
to explain this?

“I am so sorry. I didn’t mean that you and
Aunt DeDe weren’t there for me. My mom and I did a great job at
hiding all the really bad stuff. Everything that you guys saw
wasn’t that bad. You had no way of knowing what she was doing and
saying to me when it was just her and I.”

Rayanne stopped walking and looked at me. I
couldn’t believe what I saw when I looked at her. She had tears in
her eyes. Never in my entire life have I seen Rayanne cry. She has
had her heart broken and bones broken and I never saw a tear. I was
always pretty sure that she cried when she was alone. There were a
few times, when I would come into her room, and you could tell she
had been crying. I never pushed, because if she didn’t want to tell
me what she was crying over, then it wasn’t my place to push. It
was wrong. I should have pushed. That is what real friends do, even
if they won’t like the answer. I am going to make a conscience
effort to do that. From now on I am going to push. If I want her
there for me I need to be there for her.

“Hannah, I am so fucking sorry that I never
saw anything. I honestly think I did but ignored it. I was scared.
I was always afraid of her. The things she would say and call me. I
can only imagine what she called you. I am so sorry. I let my fear
of her cloud what I should have done for you. Can you ever forgive
me?”

“Of course I can! I think the truth is we
both put up walls around each other. I don’t want that. You are my
sister no matter what. I want us to be there for each other,
always. I am going to be working so damn hard to be a better
version of myself,” I told her.

“Is that why you are seeing the therapist?”
she asked.

“Yes, it is. I want to be open and happy. I
don’t want to be her. Even if, someday, I do become bipolar I want
to do it right. I want to have the tools to deal with things. But,
most of all, I want to believe that I am loveable. I even question
you loving me. I hate myself for that.”

I am crying at this point, and Rayanne has
pulled me to a bench in the park, near the restaurant we are
meeting Zane at.

“Don’t ever question that, Hannah. I know
that I deserve you questioning it. I mean, we left with her. My mom
and dad didn’t try to help you, and I am so fucking sorry about
that Hannah. They have a shitty marriage, and pretty much can’t
stand each other, so they were selfish and dealing with their own
shit.”

“I had no idea Ray. I always thought they had
it all,” I told her, trying desperately to clean up my face before
Zane shows up.

“Guess we all hide stuff from people, even
the people we love,” Rayanne told me as she hugged me.

“I guess so, huh. Its nice talking to you
about real stuff Ray,” I tell her.

It’s true when I really think about our life
together; we never shared. I mean, we shared, but not the real
stuff and not the things that make people who they are. The
superficial stuff we had covered.

“It is nice. Can we promise to do it from now
on? I know that it won’t be easy. I know old habits die hard, but
we have to try, okay?”

“You got it bitch,” I say laughing.

Rayanne starts laughing too and we must have
looked like two crazy people, hugging and crying on a park bench.
It was one of the happiest moments I had ever really had with
Rayanne. I wasn’t pretending anymore. I always pretended to be
better than I was. I don’t want to pretend anymore. I want to just
be better.

After a couple minutes we got ourselves
together and both helped each other fix our make-up. I started to
stand up but Rayanne stops me.

“Can I ask you how it went with the
therapist? If you want to keep that to yourself, Hannah, I
completely understand.”

“No, I can tell you how it went. It was okay,
I guess. Felt really weird talking to someone about my mom, and
stuff that isn’t even about her. I mean, I have only been once, so
I don’t have any great answers or anything. I guess the talking
about it is supposed to help.”

What I don’t tell Rayanne is that I talked
about her and our relationship today also. I also talked about Zane
and what he did to me. My therapist also let know that I would have
assignments. I don’t know what they are yet, and I really don’t
want to know.

“I truly believe that it will help, Hannah,”
Rayanne tells me, just as we see Zane walking up the sidewalk.

I immediately feel my heart start to race and
butterflies in my stomach. How can I still have this kind of
reaction when I see him? With everything that has happened between
us, I need to let these feelings go.

I turn towards Rayanne and grab her arm,
“Please, Rayanne, don’t say anything to him about anything that we
have talked about. The last thing I need or want is him knowing
about any of this.”

“Don’t worry, Hannah. I won’t say anything to
him. Just know this…I know what he wants to tell you, and believe
me when I say you have learn to trust him again. I won’t say
anything more because it is his story to tell.”

I don’t know how to take what she just told
me. What the hell does Zane have to tell me? I am so confused at
this moment. I don’t know if learning to trust him is as important
as me trying to stop loving him at this point. Because, sad but
true, I know deep down that if I still love him right now, then I
also trust him. You can’t truly love someone if you don’t trust
them.

Watching Zane walk towards me, at this
moment, with the butterflies and excitement I feel just by seeing
him, tell me it is love. That isn’t even with the feelings I get
just from talking to him or being around him. I feel like me when I
am with him, and he makes me feel like I can be a better me. That
may sound so stupid but it’s my truth. He makes me feel like,
maybe, I can be stronger and braver. Boy, do I wish I wasn’t so
pathetic. I don’t want him to make me feel that way, because I want
me to make myself feel that way.

Boy, do I wish I wasn’t so pathetic.

Chapter Nine

Rayanne and I walk to meet up with Zane. The first
thing I notice is that he is walking with some other guy. Great, I
hope this guy doesn’t hit on me and piss Zane off. Did that thought
just enter my mind? I never would have worried about a guy hitting
on me at all. Wow, guess I am becoming full of myself. Better late
than never.

Before I can say hello to Zane, I see
Rayanne’s face go from happy to pissed in 2.5 seconds flat.

“What the hell is he doing with you Zane?”
Rayanne asks the guy next to Zane.

Rayanne knows this guy, but I know nothing
about him. The entire time Rayanne was here last year she never
really dated. She told me she only hooked up with a few randoms
every once in awhile. All I can think is if Rayanne dated this guy,
and she never told me, we have a lot of work to do on our
friendship.

“As usual, it is a pleasure to see you dear
Rayanne,” the nameless guy tells Rayanne.

Okay this guy is a douche bag. Who says shit
like that, unless they are trying to be a douche.

“Shut the hell up Collin,” Rayanne tells
him.

“Rayanne, why do we have to do this every
time we see each other? I have told you a thousand times how sorry
I am for everything that happened. I never meant to hurt you and
you know it,” Collin tells Rayanne.

“I am not having this discussion with you now
or ever again,” Rayanne tells him and then walks away.

I continue to stand there, wondering what the
hell just happened. How do I not know what is going on here? I am
so confused, and to be honest, hurt. Why hasn’t Rayanne told me
about him?

“Okay, well, I guess I will be going,” I
start saying as I am walking away.

Zane grabs my arm and stops me from leaving.
“Hannah, please wait. I am so sorry for ruining lunch. I had no
idea that Collin and Rayanne would go at each other like that. I
know that you have to go after Rayanne, but do you think later
tonight we could, I don’t know, have dinner or just hang out at
your place?”

“Yes, come over tonight around seven. Does
that work for you?” I ask him. As badly as I want to push him away,
I just as badly want him close. What is wrong with me?

“I will make it work. I promise I will be
there.”

Just as I was about to turn back to walk away
Collin, aka douche bag, started talking. “I am sorry this is how we
are meeting Hannah, but I kind of feel like I already know you
because Rayanne talked about you all the time.”

“I really wish I could say the same about
you, but I have no idea who you are or what you did to Rayanne. Do
you want to tell me your version of what happened before I find out
the real version from Rayanne?” I asked him, not quite sure how all
of that just came spitting out of my mouth. I am sure not myself
the last few days. I can almost feel myself becoming a different
version myself. I have only been away from my mother for less than
two weeks and my insides are always changing.

Collin is standing at my side and starts
laughing and smiling. “Well, I am not sure I can give you my
version of the story, but I can tell you what happened between Ray
and I. We went out a few months last year and I kind of forgot to
tell her that I had a girlfriend back home. One weekend that said
girlfriend surprised me with a visit. That was also the weekend
that Ray and I said I love you to each other, and this girlfriend
walked in on us in a very compromised position.”

“Oh, my god, you really are a douche bag. I
mean I thought it, but now I know it,” I told him.

“Wait, just like Rayanne, you aren’t letting
me explain myself,” he had the nerve to say to me.

“How in the hell can you explain yourself out
of this. You cheated on your girlfriend with Rayanne, and how many
times did you fuck your girlfriend while you were with
Rayanne!”

I was screaming at him by this point. Wow! I
could not figure out who the hell I was becoming. I would never
have said any of these things to anyone even a week ago. Who is
this girl living inside me? I love her. I need to play around with
my courage a little. That is the advice my therapist told me today.
She told me that a lot of my issues stem from low self-esteem and
low self-worth, which was all brought on by my mother’s verbal and
physical abuse. I informed her that I don’t need to pay a stranger
to figure that out. She then let me know, now that I was away from
the cause of my issues, I may start to see a new side of myself. I
guess she was right. Then, before I could finish my thought, Zane
started talking.

“Okay, both of you stop! I am not going to
sit here and listen to this shit anymore. Collin, Hannah is
protecting her friend, and I get that, but Hannah, you need to know
that Collin was officially broken up with that girl. She just
wasn’t getting it, and his ex-girlfriend’s parents asked him to
just go with it for a while since she was acting all types of
crazy. Rayanne would not, and still will not, let him explain
himself. So, there it is. It’s done. Now everyone shut the fuck up
about it.”

Zane looked at me with the sorriest look on
his face. What was he sorry over? He looked at me and gave me a shy
smile before he started talking.

“Sorry for yelling and swearing Hannah. It
was in no way towards you. I have just heard this dickhead bitch
and moan about Rayanne for months now,” he said, looking directly
at Collin.

He remembers that I hate yelling and
swearing. That, right there, really shows me he cares. He remembers
my mom yelling and swearing all day, everyday at me, and how it
made me feel.

I smile at him. I am such a dork, but I can’t
help it. I want to hate him for walking away from me the way he
did, but I can’t.

“I know that Zane. I am sorry for being such
a bitch,” I turn saying this to Collin.

“It is okay. Rayanne is lucky to have you. I
have to say, if you are the Hannah she was always telling me about,
you don’t look anything like she described.”