End Game (7 page)

I don’t know what to say to him, because I
can’t figure out why Rayanne didn’t tell him how I look now. I
mean, I have been losing weight for a couple years now. I am slowly
getting really pissed at Rayanne. She never said a thing about
Collin to me or actually described how I look now to Collin. What
the hell is going on with us?

“Yeah, I used to look a lot different. And,
can I ask, how did Rayanne describe me?” I so needed to know what
exact words she used.

“Why do I feel like I am some how going to be
stuck in the middle of a chick fight if I answer this wrong?”
Collin asked.

I had to laugh and that is what I did. I
broke out into a bit of laughter, but mostly because he was right.
This would start a fight with Ray and I, but I think we need to
have that fight.

When I finally stopped laughing I saw Zane
and Collin staring at me like I was crazy.

“Okay, Collin I will be honest with you, it
very well could start a chick fight, as you call it, but I have a
feeling if Rayanne and I want to be as close as I guess we pretend
to be, then we need to have this fight.”

“Wow, you really aren’t anything like Rayanne
told me you were,” he told me.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, she always told me that you were
scared of life. That was how she described you. Fearful.”

I stood there in the middle of a park, in the
middle of the afternoon, and felt like I was actually in the middle
of a boxing ring being knocked out with punch after punch. I knew
that I should start talking, but I feel like I can’t breathe.
Rayanne described me as fearful, which I am, but I am trying so
hard not to be.

“You know what, I am fearful Collin. I guess
that is the best way to describe me,” I told him, trying to keep
the tears that where slowly inching their way out from falling from
my eyes.

“Okay, I gotta go,” I said and then I took
off.

I basically ran away from them, but thanks to
Zane I didn’t get far. Before I knew it he had my arm in his hand
and I was turned around looking directly into his eyes. The eyes I
try so hard to avoid, because Zane can see right into my soul. How
the hell am I suppose to lie and tell him I am okay now?

“Hannah banana split, please talk to me.”

“What should I say Zane? That I am hurt? That
for some reason my best friend couldn’t tell me about her
boyfriend, and wouldn’t even come to me to help her with the pain
of her break up? Or, maybe how she fucking describes me as fearful?
I am so afraid of everything that it literally oozes from my body.
That fear is an accurate description of myself. Maybe I should say
that. I meant so little to you that even you could just walk away
from me.”

I finally stopped talking because the tears
just wouldn’t stop. I was balling by this point. Zane grabbed me
and pushed me to his chest. I could smell his cologne and feel his
shirt absorb my tears. I hated that, at this moment, I felt
safe.

“Hannah, please stop crying and talking like
this. I am sure, more than anything, Rayanne has a good explanation
for why she didn’t tell you about Collin. And as for me leaving
you, I told you that I will tell you when I know that you will
believe me. I need to prove myself to you Hannah. I need to show
you as much as I need to tell you. I want it to be right.”

Zane hugged me harder as he told me all of
this.

“I guess I know that you are right about
Rayanne. As for you showing and telling me, I wish you would do it
soon. I want us back Zane. If you say that once you explain
yourself I will understand, then please hurry up. I want the peace
and happiness that our friendship gives me. And, now that I am
dating, you can give me guy advice,” I said laughing.

I looked to him to see his reaction to
everything I told him. He did not look happy. What did I say to
make him so mad?

Zane looked down at his feet, for what felt
like forever, and finally a smile slowly formed on his face.

“I promise that what I have to tell you will
make you and me perfect again. As for guy advice, I will do my best
about that,” he said with a smile.

I hugged Zane tighter and felt him hold me
against his chest. It’s a stupid time to realize that I loved the
way my body fit against his, but I did. He has a rock hard chest
and it felt great. I have to look up to see his face because he is
so much taller than me. He smiles down at me and kisses my
forehead.

“Okay, now I really have to go,” I said as I
looked down at my watch. Thank you for this Zane. Thank you for
listening and for talking to me. Tell Collin I am sorry for running
away. I am sure that once I explain the situation to Rayanne she
will forgive him.”

I leaned forward and kissed Zane’s cheek.

“Bye Hannah. Don’t forget dinner. I know
probably not tonight, since you and Ray have stuff to talk about,
but don’t think I will forget.”

Zane winked at me and then walked back
towards Collin.

Chapter Ten

I walked through the front door of the apartment, and
before I could lock the door, Rayanne was in my face.

“What the hell took you so long? What did
that asshole Collin tell you?

“First let me get in the door and then I will
tell you what happened.” Rayanne stepped away from me and I turned
to go towards the couch.

“You’re pissed off at me because of Collin
aren’t you?”

“I am mad about that and a few other things.
Why don’t I know a thing about Collin? I looked at her and all I
said was, “Fearful.”

“Shit, he told you that. Hannah I can explain
that.”

“That isn’t all Rayanne why did you tell him
I was fat. I have been losing weight for over a year now. Last
year, I was bigger than I am now, but I had lost weight. I have
spent my whole life being defined by my weight and I always thought
you saw past that. Guess not. The best way you can describe me is
fat and fearful. I have nothing else going for me, and my best
friend can’t find better words to describe me.”

“No, Hannah, I know it seems that way but it
wasn’t like that. I am such a bitch and now I have to tell you how
much of one I am. I was jealous of you. I hated that you were
losing weight. I always go to be the pretty one. You are smart and
now you are pretty. I don’t mean that you weren’t pretty before,
but it’s just with the extra weight you had I knew for sure I was
the pretty one. Now, I am nothing compared to you. I hate that I
feel that way. I hate that every time I see you wear one of my
outfits I wish for you to put 10 lbs. back on. I hate myself
Hannah. You have not had the easiest life and I am jealous of you.
What does that say about me? I have a mom who loves me and tells me
how wonderful I am, and I have a dad who is active in my life. Why
am I like this? I should be happy that you are bettering yourself,
and I am happy the jealousy is only like a little bit compared to
how proud and happy I am for you. God, you have to hate me right
now.”

Sitting here looking at Rayanne is the first
time I truly realized that everyone is fucked up and dealing with
issues. Her being jealous doesn’t make me mad. It actually makes me
see her as human and not perfect, but I can’t believe she is
actually jealous of me!

“Rayanne, I don’t hate you. The truth is I
have spent most of my life envying you and being jealous of you. It
actually makes me feel pretty good that I look good enough for you
to be jealous of me,” I said laughing at her.

Rayanne stands up and I can tell by her face
that she doesn’t like my answer.

“This isn’t funny Hannah. I love you like a
sister, and I shouldn’t be jealous of you. I didn’t tell you about
Collin because I knew you would want to meet him. I didn’t want you
to meet him, because I was scared after he met you he would want
you more than me.”

I am trying so hard not to smile at Rayanne.
I know that she is serious about all this, but boy does knowing
this make me feel good.

“Rayanne, you need to stop. You are human and
jealousy is a natural thing. I know that you wouldn’t really want
anything bad to happen to me. My losing weight has been an
adjustment for both you and me. When I look in the mirror I still
see someone who is wearing a size twenty. When you look at me now,
you see me as competition? I never was that before. I was just
Hannah. I don’t know why, but knowing that you are jealous of me is
like the weirdest, best compliment I have ever gotten. All I have
ever wanted was to be you. I have always wanted to have your
confidence and free spirit and joy. It always seems like it comes
so easy for you.”

For the first time, I understood all the
things I envied about Rayanne, maybe haven’t come as easy as I
always thought.

“I cant believe that you are taking this so
easily Hannah. If I was in your shoes, I would bitch slap you,” She
said laughing.

In that moment, hearing her laugh, I knew we
would be okay. Maybe not today, or even in a year, but we would
always be there for each other. I knew we would be better than
ever, because we would finally be honest to each other.

“Don’t think for one second that I didn’t
think about slapping you silly girl. I was pissed as fuck when
Collin told me how you had described me, or how much he knew about
me, and I knew nothing. I thought that you were ashamed of me.”

“No, Hannah, never ashamed. I was ashamed of
myself for feeling this way about you.”

“One thing you need to know is, even if
Collin fell in love with me at first sight, I would never even look
at him. I would never do that to you.”

Rayanne grabbed me, hugged me, and started
crying against my cheek.

“I do know that Hannah. I am sorry that I
even thought it. I guess, maybe I have as much to figure out as you
do.”

“Well, from what my therapist says, I already
know what is wrong with me. She told me I suffer from low-self
esteem and low self-worth. I laughed in her face and told her I
already knew that part. She says just being away from my mother
will make all the difference in the world. You know what, I think
she may actually be right. I already feel different. Not as fearful
I guess.” I looked at her and rolled my eyes.

Rayanne slapped me in the arm, “I am sorry
about that Hannah. I actually can see a difference in you. I mean,
you went out on a date last night.”

“Oh…I forgot about that, but that reminds me
of something my therapist told me, and I am going to need your
help. She told me, in order to gain the confidence and self-worth
that I am lacking, I have to step out of my comfort zone. Do things
that I have always wanted to do, but felt I was too fat to do, or
things my mother would just laugh at and ruin for me. I let her
control everything Rayanne. I know I am more than she thinks I am.
I know that. I think not having her here, to tell me how all I am
is a mistake, is going to help me see just how wrong she is about
me. I think my father not wanting me has more to do with her than
with me. I mean, who would want to have to deal with her forever.”
I said, trying to laugh through all the tears that had started
falling down my cheeks.

“So what are some of those things on your
‘Fuck Your Mother List’?” Rayanne asked me, laughing her ass
off.

“Oh my God! I never would call it that. That
sounds horrible.” I bent over the couch and was laughing
hysterically.

“Well what ever you want to call it what is
on it?”

“Okay, the first one on it is to get a
tattoo.”

Rayanne started jumping up and down clapping
her hands. “Yes, I have been wanting to get one with you forever
now. We are so doing that as soon as you figure out what you want.
Okay, what else is on the list girl?”

“Okay…I want to sing with Zane. I have always
wanted to do it, but I was too fat, shy and afraid. I want to get
trashed off my ass and not be afraid of how everyone will think of
me. I want to date a hot guy and just use him for his body.”

“Okay, girl, all of those things are getting
done. I will not let you back down on any of those things.”

Rayanne hugged me again and said, “I love you
Hannah. You are my family and my best friend. Thank you for not
judging me or hating me for how I behaved. Anyway, Collin was, and
still is, an asshole.”

I just realized that I forgot to tell Rayanne
about the Collin situation.

“Rayanne, about Collin. I know some stuff
about the situation that you need to hear.”

“Like what? That I was an idiot to have sex
with him, when he was obviously just using me.”

“No, I heard the truth from him and Zane. His
girlfriend wasn’t really his girlfriend anymore. He broke it off
with her before he left to go away to school, and she just couldn’t
accept it. She kind of went crazy, I guess. Her parents went to
Collin and asked him to just kind of pretend that they were
together until they could get her the proper help. Collin had no
idea she would show up that weekend. I know that it seems crazy
Rayanne, but I believe him.”

Rayanne stood there with a conflicted look on
her face. I could tell, on one hand she wants to believe it, and on
the other she wants to laugh at how ridiculous it sounds. I don’t
know why, but I believe Collin. I could see how much he cares about
Ray in his eyes. If she doesn’t believe this story, then I think I
may have to some how push them together. Yes, I think I am going to
become a matchmaker.

“I don’t know. I don’t think I can believe
him. He hurt me.”

“Okay, I understand Rayanne, but remember how
you told me that I should trust Zane. I think you should trust
Collin.”

“I’ll think about it bitch,” she said,
smiling at me. “Good night Hannah. I love you.”

“I love you too Rayanne. Good night.”

I walked to my room and got ready for bed.
For the first time, in five years, I may not write in my journal. I
don’t think I need to. If there was anything I learned today, it
was that everybody had a little crazy in them. It is just a matter
of how you deal with it.