“Carter,” she
mumbles as I reach the door. I turn around and stare into the darkness.
“Yeah?”
There’s a moment of
silence until she says, “Will you stay with me?”
My heart tightens
and I’m not sure what to do or say to her. Slowly, I make my way back over to
the bed. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“I just don’t want
to be alone tonight,” she says. Even through the darkness I can see her shift
and scoot over to the middle of the bed. Reluctantly, I get into the bed beside
her. When she turns into me and lays her head on my chest, I freeze.
It takes her a few
seconds to get comfortable. When she does, she reaches up, kisses my neck and
my whole body stiffens. “You’re sweet, Carter. Thanks for dancing with me and
for taking care of me.”
“You’re welcome,” I
respond, letting out a long breath and easing back a little farther; trying to
get comfortable. It feels so good to have her in my arms, but it feels wrong,
too, on so many levels. Without a doubt, things are changing between us and, as
much as I want more with her—as much as I want to give her what she wants—I’m
not sure I should. At least, not until she knows the truth.
Chapter Eleven
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen
or even touched, they must be felt with the heart.
~ Helen Keller
HOLLY
Since the Halloween
party, things between Carter and I have changed. Or they have changed for me,
at least. My feelings for him go beyond friendship and it wasn’t until I saw
that girl hitting on him at the Halloween party that I realize just how far those
feelings really go.
I remember the sick
feeling rolling around in my stomach just picturing them dancing together. I
remember how good it felt to be in his arms when we danced and how good it felt
to sleep on his chest that same night.
Even though my feelings
are stronger, I haven’t told him and we are still strictly just friends. It’s
hard to tell how he feels about me sometimes and I don’t want to be the first
one to make a move or take the chance and ruin the friendship we have.
The weekends have
become somewhat of a ritual. When Friday night rolls around, Jenna and I head
over to Josh and Carter’s and usually spend the weekend over there. We play
pool, watch movies, and occasionally we go to Sterling’s for open mic night or
battle of the bands.
Every time we go, I
miss being up there on stage and singing more and more. In the past month or
so, I’ve been writing a lot and it feels good to get some of my emotions out on
paper.
I’m walking out of
class and adding up the hours in my head. Four hours until Jenna gets home,
then twenty minutes for her to change and re-do her makeup, and then a ten
minute drive to Carter and Josh’s place. So, four hours and thirty minutes to
keep myself busy. I guess I could study for Dr. Langford’s test next Monday.
There’s also a mound of laundry that needs to be done.
As I’m fumbling
around in my purse for my keys, my phone chimes. My lips spread out into a
smile when I see that it’s a text from Carter, but then it falls the second I
read it.
Carter:
Josh and
I can’t hang out tonight. Sorry.
Me:
That sucks
:(
Carter:
We’ll be
back tomorrow night. I’ll txt you.
Me:
K.
If he and Josh are both out, then it
must have something to do with a call for the rescue team. My stomach clenches,
but I try to push away the negative thoughts.
By the time I get to
my car, I hear my phone chime again. This time it’s from Jenna.
Jenna:
Bad news.
The guys are out for tonight.
Me:
Just heard.
Girl’s night?
Jenna:
Yes!
We’re so overdue for one of those anyway.
:)
❧
As much as I hate
to admit it, weekends suck without Carter and Josh. They end up cancelling on
us for Saturday night, too. It’s Sunday morning and I find myself looking
forward to school with the hope that next weekend will come quick so I can see
Carter again. The past few weeks, school has been getting so hectic that we
hardly see each other during the week.
“Oh, my God, is it
just me or is this weekend super boring?” Jenna asks me, opening the
refrigerator and pulling out some OJ. “We are so lame. We didn’t do anything
but lie around, watch movies, and eat junk food all weekend. I miss Josh and
Carter’s place.”
I laugh. “Um,
that’s what we usually do at their house.”
“Yeah, but I can’t
make out with you.” She smiles.
“True.” I laugh
again. “Have you, uh, heard from them?” My heart stops as I wait for her
answer.
She shakes her head
and then takes a sip of her OJ. “No, I’m sure they’ll be home later tonight,
though.”
I want to ask her
if it bothers her when Josh goes up to the mountain, but I don’t. I know it’s a
stupid question.
“Okay, so no more
being couch potatoes. Let’s get out and do something today. I’m in desperate
need for some new lingerie. What do you say?” I hear her stop talking, but I
guess my mind is too preoccupied worrying about Carter and Josh. “Hello, earth
to Holly.” She’s standing in front of me now.
“Sorry, what did
you say?” I ask, glancing up at her.
“Lingerie shopping.
Today. You and me.”
“Sorry, I can’t.
I’m going to the library with Becca. We’ve got a test in Dr. Langford’s class
and I need to study. My grade depends on acing the test tomorrow morning.”
“Well, that’s
boring.” She sighs and falls down to the couch beside me. “I’m just hoping the
guys get back early enough tonight so I can see Josh. I think I’m going through
withdrawals. I want to find something really hot and fun for him.” With that
thought, she springs up off the couch. “I guess I better get to shopping just
in case he shows up later.” She stops halfway down the hall. “Hey, is it okay
with you if he comes over here tonight?”
“Sure, no problem.”
Note to self: stay at the library as long as possible.
❧
It’s getting close
to ten p.m. and my eyes burn from looking over my notes, as well as reading
through my textbook for the past few hours.
“I think we should
call it a night,” Becca says, yawning.
“I’ll second that,”
I agree, slamming my textbook shut and gathering up the scattered notes on the
table in front of me. I shuffle them into a neat stack and shove them in the
front pocket of my binder.
“I really hope that
this test isn’t as hellish as I think it’s going to be,” Becca says, pulling
her backpack to her lap and zipping it.
“Stop worrying.
You’ll be fine. You know this stuff better than me,” I tell her and then my
phone vibrates on the table in front of me.
Carter:
We r
back. What r u up to?
Me:
Studying at
the library.
Carter:
WARNING:
Josh is headed over to ur place to “watch a movie.”
I smile and a soft
chuckle escapes me.
“Who’s the lucky
guy that’s got you smiling like that?” Becca asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Just a friend,” I
tell her.
“Would this
friend
happen to be that hotty that walked you to class the other day?”
My face starts to
burn and I know that, without a doubt, my cheeks are cherry red. “Yes, his name
is Carter, but we’re just friends.”
“Friends? That
sucks. If it were me, I wouldn’t let a dreamy guy like that get away.”
Throwing my
backpack over my shoulder, we exit through the main doors and the icy air hits
me hard. I reach down and zip up my jacket then cross my arms over my chest to
ward off the cold. When Becca and I reach the bottom of the library steps my
phone chimes again.
“I’ll see you in
class tomorrow, okay?” I say, pulling out my phone.
“Yeah, see ya,” she
says, her teeth chattering as she turns to walk away. When she’s gone, I glance
down and read my message.
Carter:
Would
you like me to put u out of ur misery?
Me:
Um, that
sounds a little scary.
Carter:
Come
watch a movie with me. Maybe we can actually finish one this time.
Me:
Only if I
get to choose.
Carter:
No chick
flicks allowed.
Me:
Fine. No
chick flicks, but still my choice.
Carter:
Deal.
Me:
C U soon.
:)
When I pull up to
the house, my stomach is a mushy mess and I find myself rushing to pull the
keys out of the ignition so I can see him quicker. When I get up to the door, I
don’t even have to knock. Carter pulls the door open and he’s standing there
with a large smile on his face. “Hey you.”
“Hey,” I say,
returning his smile. As I walk past him into the house, I can feel the warmth
of him. The past few days I’ve had an overwhelming need to be close to him,
wanting to see him, wanting to be sure he’s okay... and, now that he is here, I
have to force myself not to touch him, not to hug him, and the strangest
thought I’m fighting is the desire to kiss him. Since I’m not ready to cross
that line with him just yet, or at least I don’t think I am, I just settle on
being with him.
“So, I thought we
could compromise,” Carter says as I throw my purse in the chair beside the
couch. “I’ve picked out four movies, kind of a mix between chick flick and
action... and I’ll let you choose which one to watch.”
“That wasn’t our
deal,” I say, shaking my head and smiling.
The left side of
his mouth lifts. “I said it was a compromise.”
Glancing down to
the table, I see his four choices laid out. “Hmmm... I don’t know about this.
Die Hard one through four? How are those, at all, chick flicks?”
“Hey, there’s some
romance in them,” he argues.
I’m just giving him
a hard time. The truth is that it could have been any movie, another zombie
flick even, and I wouldn’t have cared. I just want to be with him.
Holly falls asleep
about halfway through the movie with her head against the couch, knees curled
up towards her chest and her hair falling across her face. When she falls
asleep, it’s about the same time that I stop watching the movie, too.
I’ve been watching
her for the past hour, leaning back at an angle on the couch, studying her
lips, watching her eyes flutter every few seconds and her chest rise and fall.
As hard as I try, I can’t take my eyes off her. It’s a little bit of a creepy
thing to do, but she looks peaceful and content; I’m not sure why, but it gives
me peace, too. I’ve always thought she’s hot, though right now is the first
time I see that she’s more than that, she’s beautiful.
Her whole body
jerks and, for a second, I think she’s going to wake up, ruining my tiny bit of
peace. I relax when she licks her lips and starts her rhythmic breathing again.
I want more time to watch her; I want just a few more minutes of peace.
Then she does
something that I don’t expect, but I kind of like. Okay, that’s a lie. I
really, really like. Her body shifts and she stretches out her legs before
slowly falling towards me. The sweetest and softest moan escapes her lips as
she stops with her head on my chest. For a long minute, I can’t breathe and I
don’t want to move because I’m afraid that I’ll wake her. Now, I feel even more
like a weirdo staring at her. Now that she’s so close to me, I find myself
smelling her hair and inhaling her sweet scent.
It’s too much for
me to resist and my hand raises up to lightly brush her face, slowly tracing
her lips. Having her like this, similar to the night after the Halloween party,
sadly brings me back to the first time I held her in my arms. The night at the
hospital when I told her about Adam. In all of my twenty-two years of life I’ve
never seen or felt so much pain as I had that night.
After my brother
died, it was my dad and I who held my mother and sister at his funeral. When
Dad passed away last spring, I was left holding both my mother and sister all
by myself. Even then, I had never felt so much pain as I had that night with
Holly. It could have been magnified with the guilt I was feeling, but the pain
was so horrible it felt like she was tearing my heart right out of my chest.
Tonight is different.
Just like the night after the Halloween party—when she asked me to stay with
her and I held her—it was one of the best feelings of my life because, that
night, there was no pain, no tears, no sadness.
The minutes pass
and I continue to stare at her until my eyes feel heavy. Even though my back is
starting to ache at the angle that I’m sitting in and my left arm is starting
to fall asleep, I don’t move since I’m scared of disturbing her. I’d lie like
this forever if I had to.