“Hey, is everything
okay?” Holly asks.
I look up and see
her standing just a few feet in front of me, her hair is up in a bun on the top
of her head and she looks so sweet, so safe, so warm. I know it’s not right to
be having these thoughts right now, but I really want to ask her to lay down on
this couch with me and just let me hold her. I feel like, if I could just have
her in my arms for a minute, I’d feel better, but as I scan over her face and
see the way she’s looking at me, I don’t have it in me to involve her in any of
my depressing problems.
“Yeah,
everything’s...” I search for the right word, but nothing comes to mind.
“Actually, I’ve gotta go. Will you be okay here? I mean, I can take you
somewhere if you need me to.”
Her eyebrows draw
downward and she shakes her head. “No... I mean, I’m okay here.”
The confused look
in her eyes is killing me and I hate that I’m making her feel like this. It was
just a couple minutes ago when she left me in the living room and I was fine,
but now my whole attitude has changed. She’s too nice to ask any questions and,
I hate to admit it, but I’m thankful for it.
I get up and walk
towards the front door, yet something stops me before I reach it. “Are you sure
you’ll be okay?” I ask her.
She forces out a
smile. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I really appreciate your help today.”
Damn, her sad eyes
are making me rethink if I should really walk out the door. The past few weeks
I’ve gotten used to seeing the real smiles that light up her face. Now, it’s
easy to see the smile on her face is forced and I’m tempted to give her an
explanation, tell her why I have to leave, but I don’t. There’s no need to
involve her with the depressing shit in my life.
“I’ll call you
later, okay?”
“Okay.” She nods
and I leave, knowing that if I don’t leave now, I may never.
When I’m halfway
home, I decide to call Kelly back and she picks up on the first ring.
“Geez, Carter. I’ve
been trying to get you all week,” is the first thing she says and she sounds
pissed. I guess she has every reason to be, I have been avoiding her all week.
“Sorry. Things have
just been a little crazy, but I can talk now… so talk.” I don’t mean to, but I
sound like an asshole.
“Really? That’s all
you have to say to me. Did you even listen to my messages? God, you’re so
freaking aggravating. Where are you anyway?” she asks and her irritation level
is rising by the second.
“I’m on my way
home.”
“Good, I’ll see you
when you get here.”
“What?! You’re at
my house?” I scream into the phone.
“Yep. This is what
you get for ignoring me all week. I had to come over and see if you were
actually still breathing.”
Chapter Thirteen
Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.
~ Jackson Brown, Jr.
HOLLY
After Carter
leaves, I can’t help feeling… empty.
The emotions that
are stirring around inside are beginning to scare me. The possibility of caring
for someone again causes my chest to tighten and, the more I think about it,
I’m not so sure I am ready for those types of feelings yet.
I can’t deny that
when Carter offered to drive me home, I got excited knowing that we could
possibly have the entire day to spend together. My heart relaxed knowing that I
wouldn’t have to say goodbye to him for a few more hours.
Over the past
couple months I’ve gotten used to seeing him and then missing him when he
leaves.
When I come out of
my room and find him with his head in his hands, I can tell that something has
happened while I was in the bathroom. His total demeanor has changed. When he
tells me he has to leave, I try my hardest not to let him see the pain I feel.
I want to question him, but I have no right to.
The rest of the
day, I try to keep myself busy with laundry and cleaning around the apartment.
Every time I get a free moment to think or feel, my thoughts focus back to
Carter. At first, my thoughts are fairly innocent, I wonder what he’s doing,
what he’s thinking, and if he’s alright. Then, as much as I try to fight them,
my thoughts take a drastic turn. I remember how his muscles had flexed earlier
when he was changing my tire and how good his ass looked in his jeans. I try to
envision how his skin would feel and taste if I ever got the chance to sample
it.
It isn’t until I
realize that I’ve been standing in front of the washer—dazed out and holding a
pile of shirts—that these thoughts I am having start to feel wrong... these are
not thoughts that friends should be having about other friends.
It’s around eleven
p.m. when Jenna finally comes through the door. The moment I hear the door
open, relief runs through me. I’ve been looking forward to talking to her all
day about what I am feeling with Carter. My relief turns to surprise when I see
her walking through the door backwards. She’s kissing Josh as he guides her
forward. I’m not sure what to do and I start to panic when Josh starts telling
her all the places he wants to ‘do’ her in the apartment. I clear my throat and
immediately they break apart and Jenna stares at me wide-eyed.
“Shit, Holly. You
scared me. I didn’t think you were home. Your car’s not in the parking lot.”
I try to hide my
smile when her face turns cherry red. “Yeah, my car’s in the shop. I got a flat
tire today and Carter gave me a ride home.”
“Oh,” she says,
looking back at Josh. “Sorry, I thought we were alone.”
“Well, don’t let me
bother you. I’m about to call it a night anyway,” I say, getting off the couch
and walking towards my room. The main reason I stayed up this long, other than
to talk to Jenna, is to see if Carter is going to call. Deep down, I’m not sure
why, but I don’t expect to hear his voice tonight.
“Goodnight, guys,”
I say, passing them, but then stop short. “Oh, and Josh, I just have one
request… Can you please avoid the couch?”
Jenna closes her
eyes and mashes her lips together, embarrassment spilling out of her. Josh on
the other hand looks amused.
“Sure thing, Holly…
The couch is off limits,” he says, giving me a devilish smile. I’m not sure
who’s enjoying Jenna’s cherry red face more, me or him.
As I lay down in
bed, I try not to let myself think of Carter and wonder what caused him to act
so strange earlier. I’m not sure I should, but I can’t help texting him.
Me:
Hi.
Carter:
Hi.
Me:
Everything
okay?
A few minutes pass
and I don’t hear anything. When my phone finally chimes, my heart shoots up in
my throat.
Carter:
Just
tired. Going to bed.
A long minute
passes and my phone chimes again.
Carter:
Goodnight,
Holly.
Me:
Goodnight.
Great, that doesn’t
help me feel any better. It actually makes me feel worse. Something happened
with him this afternoon, something he is intentionally keeping from me.
❧
The next morning, I
wake up to what sounds like cabinets slamming shut—a lot of them—over and over
again. I lay there for a minute, hoping it will stop; hoping I can fall back
asleep. After another long minute, it’s clear the noise coming from the kitchen
isn’t going to stop anytime soon. Flipping the covers off, I throw on my robe
and drag myself into the hallway. With both hands, I rub my eyes, trying to
force myself awake and, when I uncover them, I’m blinded forever.
“Oh God!” I scream
and cover them back up.
“Shit,” Josh
breathes. “Sorry, Holly, I thought you were still sleeping.
“Um… I’m just... ”
My voice trails off and I squeeze my eyes shut, using my free hand to guide me
down the hall. With each step I take, I try to drown out the vision of seeing
Josh totally naked in my kitchen. My hands glide along the wall, finally
feeling the opening to my bathroom.
My heart is
pounding in my ears, but I swear I hear him laughing. “Sorry,” he says again.
“I was just gonna run out here and scramble up some eggs for breakfast.”
And you couldn’t
put pants on?
I think to myself
.
“Um, don’t worry about it. I’m just going to—” I find the light switch and shut
the door.
When I’m safely
guarded from seeing him again, I open my eyes and again try to burn the image
of seeing him out of my head. Too nervous to go back out there, I take a
shower, shave my legs, floss and brush my teeth.
When I’m back in my
room, only a few minutes pass before I hear a knock at my door. Jenna pokes her
head through and has a big smile on her face. I return her smile as she walks
in.
“Sorry about
earlier,” she says, falling back on my bed. “I had no idea he was up and making
breakfast, let alone doing it naked. Really, it won’t happen again.”
“Don’t worry about
it. I’m just going to head out and let you two have some space.”
“Oh, come on,
Holly, you don’t have to do that. He decided that scrambled eggs aren’t good
enough; he’s out there making breakfast tacos. You should join us.”
“Um, I think I’ll
pass.” Even thinking of eating in there right now, especially something that
Josh cooked, is not appetizing. The image of him in there, naked, just over
thirty minutes ago, it’s just too soon. Then a thought pops into my head and I
hang my head forward and sigh loudly.
“What is it?” she
asks.
“Do you think you
have a few minutes to spare?”
“Uh, sure. Why?”
“I need a ride to
the auto shop. They told me my car should be ready this morning.”
“See, it’s a sign.
You need to stay and eat breakfast with us.”
Looking over at
her, I give her my best pleading look. I’m not in the mood to argue with her
right now. I really just want to get my car and have my freedom back.
“Fine,” she says,
sitting up and bouncing off the bed. “Let me just go get dressed.”
Luckily, I make it
out of the apartment with only giving Josh a quick glance and an even quicker
goodbye. On the way over to the auto shop, I almost tell Jenna about the
feelings I think I may have for Carter, but I decide to keep my mouth shut
until I can figure them out a little better myself. In the back of my mind, I
know that I need to see him in order to sort them all out. Eventually, I know
that I need to talk to him and see what he is feeling, too. Maybe this is just
one sided. Maybe I need to get over the idea of ever being with him like that
and stop thinking about running my hands all over him.
Jenna pulls up to
the auto shop and I hop out. “Thanks for the ride, I’ve got some errands to run
today, but I’ll see you later.”
“Are you sure you
won’t come back for breakfast?”
“I’m sure, but
thanks.”
She sighs and
drives off. I feel kind of bad for not taking her up on the breakfast offer,
but there is actually somewhere else I want to be. Once the thought enters my
head, I’m even more determined to get my car back and get going with my plan.
When I walk into the
auto shop, I’m relieved to see that Patrick isn’t working. He seems like a nice
guy, but the way he looked at me yesterday made feel uncomfortable and I don’t
have Carter here with me this time. Instead, there’s an older gentlemen who’s
friendly and hands me my keys without looking at me like he wants to lick me.
Keeping up with my
plan, I head to the grocery store and gather up the items I need to make my
favorite food in the world… crunchy French toast. While I walk the aisles, I
try to call Carter a couple times, but he doesn’t answer. Even though it’s kind
of rude to just show up, I want to see him and make him breakfast for helping
me out with my car yesterday. It’s the least I can do.
There’s another
reason I want to see him so badly. I want to make sure he is okay and see if he
wants to talk to me about anything. I’m not sure what happened when I left him
for those few minutes yesterday, but whatever it was, it upset him pretty
badly. I know what keeping something locked inside can do to a person; how it
can eat away at you and send you into the depths of darkness.
When I pull up to
his house, I see his car in the driveway and my heart hammers, knowing that
I’ll see him soon. A couple months ago, seeing his face or hearing his voice
felt like a punch in the stomach and stole the air out of my lungs, making it
hard to breathe. Now, after getting over that fear and facing him, I can’t
imagine not seeing him every few days or talking to him on the phone. He has
become an important part of my life. If I’m being honest, it’s beginning to
scare me how much I’m relying on him. If more than a few days pass and I don’t
see him, my heart will ache until I see him again. There are some days when I
feel like, if something happened and I didn’t have him in my life, I may slip
back into that dark hole that I have worked so hard to dig myself out of.