Falling (Bits and Pieces, Book 1) (14 page)

“Ow.” Patrick had climbed through my window, clearly head first. He started to get up off the floor.

“Patrick! You scared me half to death!” I dropped to my knees and rushed to pick up the pills scattered around me.

“Better half than all.” He said dryly. His eyes burned through me. Patrick stood in front me, grabbed my wrists and pulled me up. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“You know what I’m doing.” I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. His eyes wouldn’t let me.

“This?” He lifted my hand that was clutching pills I had recollected. Tears started to well up in my eyes, but I said nothing. “Why? Don’t you get what it means?”

“Means…” My head was spinning, swirling, pounding. It was like noise, horrible distorted noise filled my ears. I tried to concentrate on Patrick’s words. I knew I was losing it. I begged in a near whisper. “Means I can get some peace and quiet. What does it matter to you? Why won’t you leave me alone? Just leave me alone.” I tried to break away from his gaze and his grip. I could no longer see his face as tears streamed from my eyes. I tried to push him away, but he held on to me tighter.

“You don’t have to do this.”

I shook my head. “You don’t understand. I can’t live like this anymore.”

“I want to understand. Help me understand.”

“You don’t know me.”

“I know
enough
about you. You don’t need to do this. I don’t
want
you to do this.” He held both of my hands in his left hand and wrapped his right arm around me, pulling me closer to him. He whispered in my ear. “I’m not going to leave you alone. I’m not going anywhere. You can’t push me away.”

I started to sob uncontrollably. I felt like I was shattering into a million bits and pieces, I couldn’t hold it together anymore. My knees buckled underneath me. Patrick held me next to him and sat us down on the floor.

* * *

I don’t know how long we sat there. Time stood still and the world didn’t exist to me. I felt like I was in the middle of a giant black hole. The only reason why it didn’t consume everything was because Patrick had wrapped his arms around it. He held it and me together.

He rocked me back and forth in silence. I cried until I ran out of tears. My head hurt so badly. It was throbbing.

“I need water.” I mumbled as I slowly opened my hand. It didn’t feel like my hand, it was so cold and numb. I had clenched it so tightly the whole time that the pills and my hand were one.

He pulled back to look at me in the eyes but didn’t let go of me. “Liz… no.” He shook his head.

I blinked slowly at him. There were at least a dozen pills in my trembling hand. “Why are you here? I shouldn’t have called you. If I hadn’t called you…”

“But you did. I’m here because I care. I don’t want you to do this. Please, don’t do this.” He begged.

“I called you because I didn’t want you to feel like it was something you did or didn’t do tonight. I didn’t want you to feel guilty. Don’t worry, this isn’t on you. It has nothing to do with you.”

“It does. I’m your friend. I want to help.
Let
me help.” He put his hand over mine and I started to close it into a fist. He stopped me and extended my fingers out. He took the pills out of my hand and put them on the carpet out of my reach. “Please… tell me… why are you even considering this?”

“You’ll never understand.”

“I can try. At least let me try before you do anything that you can’t undo.”

I shook my head.

“Do you think that we’re so different? Or that I can’t…”

I cut him off, “No, you can’t. We
are
different. We may be in the same classes at the same school, but our lives are nothing alike. You don’t get it…”

“Why do you think I won’t understand?”

“Because everything comes so easy for you.” I snapped.

“School is easy for you.”

“Yeah, sort of. When I’m not at school, I’m studying. When I’m at school, I’m studying. I don’t have anything else to do… It’s not that it’s hard all the time, but it’s not like I’m some genius or anything…”

“And you think I don’t? I study a lot too, you know…”

“Yeah, but that’s not what school is all about…” I knew he wasn’t getting the point when he looked at me and waited for an explanation. “I told you, you wouldn’t understand.”

“I’m trying.”

“Classes, sports, friends, family… it’s all so easy for you. You’re good at everything. Everyone loves you, you’re friends with everyone. And… I’m so… not that.”

“That’s not true.”

“You’re just saying that. But it is. You think you know me, but you don’t. Think about it… I told you I can’t do sports. You’ve seen how uncoordinated I am. Have you seen me with anyone? You told me that I could bring friends to the game. Do you remember what I said?”

He thought about it for a second. “You asked about what time it would be over. You avoided the issue.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty good at that when it would show too much or hits a nerve. The truth is… I really didn’t have anyone to ask to come with me.” My voice was trembling again.

“I don’t believe that… you might not think of someone as your best friend… but you know people.”

“Yeah, I know people. But they are all classmates. We don’t even really talk in class. School, for me… is classes. I don’t have friends…”

He interrupted me, “You have me. I’m your friend.”

“You’re just saying that ‘cause you’re here.”

“If you remember, I called you my friend before now. That will not change after tonight. I will be your friend tomorrow, next week, next year…” His eyes started to get watery and his voice cracked, “Whether you’re here or not.”

“You’ll see that I’m not worth the time and energy.” I sighed. “I have.”

“I won’t ever believe that.” He shook his head.

“Why? My parents, my family have.” I looked down at where he put the pills.

“What happened when I dropped you off?”

“Nothing. Everything. I don’t know… I can’t…” I closed my eyes tightly trying to block it out. It didn’t work.

“You can trust me…” He reassured me.

“Hmph.” I continued slowly. “I was so happy when you dropped me off. I never had so much fun in my life. I don’t remember the last time that I laughed or smiled so much. I had forgotten how to have fun…” My voice turned almost wistful. “It felt so good… like the world had opened up.” A little smile escaped my lips as I thought of the irony of it all.

“So what happened?”

I was somber. “They didn’t answer the door because I don’t belong. I don’t fit in. I know it. They know it. So, they didn’t let me in. They were laughing about it, about me standing outside in the cold. I was out there for a while, they laughed the whole time.”

“I’m sorry. It’s my fault.”

“What? No, it’s not. Not unless you were in on it, it wasn’t.”

“No. But I should have waited for you to go inside. I shouldn’t have just left you alone like that. I’m sorry.”

“Thanks. But it wasn’t your fault. Think of it this way… you gave me the best time of my life, you didn’t fail me. I just can’t take being an outsider to my family anymore. I can’t take being alone anymore. I just can’t deal with…” My voice trailed off. I still couldn’t say it. As much as I did trust him, there were still things I couldn’t share. I couldn’t admit to myself. “Things alone. I can’t go to my parents or anyone else in my family. You can’t understand what that’s like. You have a normal relationship with your family. Just by knowing you, then Andy, I can tell. The two of you are lucky. You have friends, family, each other for support. You’ll never be alone like me. ”

“What’s it like for you?”

How do I explain it? Can I explain it to him? “It’s like being in a packed school bus and knowing, hearing, seeing that everyone has someone. I hear all their conversations – the boring, the mundane stuff that I could care less about, but still want to be a part of it. And all I do is stare out the window, pretending that I’m doing something, like I don’t care. Like it doesn’t sting. That’s what it’s like everyday for me – in class, during passing periods, at lunch, at home. At the same time, it’s also like being on that bus with no one on it. I’m going some place where many people may be going, but I’m headed there by myself ‘cause everyone else found a better way to get there. They didn’t want to ride with me and there’s a deafening silence. The bus has no driver, so it’s swerves one way then another. I can scream or cry or beg or plead and no one is there to hear it.”

I looked at him. His face told me all I needed to know. He had never experienced what I described. I knew that.

“That’s…” He searched for something to finish his sentence with. His eyes filled with pity.

“Yeah… you have never felt that way in your life. Have you?”

He shook his head, “No. I never knew that anyone ever felt like that.”

“Well, now you do. Sometimes it’s so vast and tight that I can’t take it anymore.”

“But you have before… you can again. It won’t always be that way…”

My head was pounding. My mouth was dry. I rubbed my forehead.

“You okay?”

“My head is killing me.”

“Maybe we should get off the floor. You’re probably dehydrated.”

He stood up, grabbed the pills off the floor and shoved them in his pocket. He got me to my feet. I was so unsteady and lightheaded. Patrick helped me to my bed and I sat down. He got the glass of water on my nightstand.

He handed me the glass, “Here. Drink.”

The water felt good going down my throat. Of course I was dehydrated, I had been crying for who knows how long. I gasped for air through my mouth, which made my throat feel raw.

“Thanks.” I scooted up and over on my bed, curled my legs to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs.

He sat down on the other side of the bed. “Feeling any better?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know…”

“I guess that’s better than a ‘no’. So, that’s something.”

I suppose that’s true. “Geez, you always find the good in everything. Don’t you? Have you always been an optimist?”

“I try. I don’t like to believe that anything is hopeless.” He looked at me with all seriousness.

“Why? Did something happen?” I leaned back against the headboard.

“When I was kid, a little younger than Andy…” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “Lindsey was on a field trip and got hurt. It was bad. Really bad. They didn’t think she was going to make it. I remember being at the hospital a lot. Everyone was so sad and upset. It was like they had given up. I didn’t want… I couldn’t imagine my life without my big sister. I couldn’t stop hoping that she would get better. I had to. That was the only way I could be there for her and sit by her bed.”

“It was how you survived.”

“Yeah. When she woke up, I was so happy. I remember… she looked at me and smiled. I knew she was going to be okay.”

“That’s good. It’s nice to hear a happy ending.”

“Anyway, ever since then, I choose to be an optimist. I believe things will work out, get better. I know they will. It will for you.”

I wish I could be as hopeful as him. But my life taught me that wasn’t going to happen. I’d been disappointed by my parents so many times, I’d lost count. I didn’t want to think about that right now. I wanted to focus on something else.