FLAME (Spark Series) (16 page)

17

“You walked out?” Julia harasses me.

“What would you expect me to do?” I ask, washing down the beer-spilled bar. “Get on my hands and knees begging him to pick me? Psh.”

“Hey, whatever you do on your hands and knees is your business,” she retorts. I flash her an annoyed look and she laughs. “It’s not like he’s still seeing her. I mean, it’s been what? Four years? I bet if you’d let him explain, he would’ve told you he doesn’t even have feelings for her anymore.”

I roll my eyes. “Well, he didn’t. He didn’t say that. All he said was I don’t open up to him and it wasn’t fair I read them and blah blah. He wasn’t very convincing in that he wasn’t going right back to her.” I stop cleaning for a moment. “In fact, he didn’t say anything about not going back to her. So for all I know, he is.”

“This is a new side of Carissa I’m not sure I know how to handle,” she teases. “You actually care. I think you
love
him.”

I sip my diet coke just as she speaks, making me spit the liquid out as she says the word
love
.

“Hm…that sure got a reaction out of you.” She grins.

“I don’t even know what love
is
, Julia. For all I know, this was just a temporary affair. Apparently, it was much less serious than I thought. It just sucks I spent all those months with him. All those months I could’ve spent carelessly fucking other men.” My guard is up and it shows. I don’t like hurting, and I’m doing anything that numbs the pain. But even this, I know, isn’t true. I don’t want to be fucking other men. I only want Drew.

“I know you’re vulnerable right now, Riss. But look at it this way. You finally know what love feels like. You aren’t broken like you’ve believed all these years.
Deep down, you’re a good person, and you have a good heart.”

“Are you trying to make a move on me?”

“Shut up! It’s okay to let your guard down. Not everything has to be responded to with a sarcastic remark.”

I roll my eyes. “It’s how I deal.”

“And I get that, I really do. But you haven’t slept with any other guy in what…six or seven months? That has to be some kind of Carissa record.”

“And where has it gotten me, Julia? A broken heart and a more damaged soul?”

“You aren’t damaged. But is it worth letting him go before he leaves for good? You still have a month left. Go to him. Spend the remaining time you have with him before it’s too late and you regret it.”

I sigh. “I hate when you’re right.”

I haven’t spoken to Drew in three days. He’s called and even stopped by, but I pretended to be unavailable. I don’t know how to deal with what I’m feeling. The only thing he’s done is fail to mention an ex-girlfriend who’s apparently
waiting
for him. Should this be a big deal? It’s not like we were going to do a long distance relationship or anything. I knew it was ending. But perhaps, that’s the real issue.

I decide to call Laney, needing my best friend’s advice right now. And although she’s pregnant and still in her honeymoon phase, she never refuses to take my calls.

“So, how are the lovebirds doing?”

“We’re great, thank you,” she answers all giddy. “Eric took me to the state fair and on a Ferris wheel. I indulged in a real chili cheese dog and cotton candy.”

“Wow. Sounds like you’re starting to fit right in. Are you wearing cowgirl boots and a hat, too?” I tease.

She laughs with me. “Just the boots. No hat. It doesn’t work with my hair.”

“Ha! Good to know you’re doing your hair still. I figured you’d have permanent sex bed hair.”

We laugh as we tease one another and it makes me feel relieved. Velaney has a way of bringing me right back to Earth—right where I need to be.

“So it’s dish time. What’s the scoop with Drew?” she finally asks.

“Are you sure you’re ready?”

“Lay it on me.”

I tell her everything. I don’t hold anything back. I even tell her how I think I overreacted and how I don’t know how to fix it—or myself for that matter.

“Well…um…”

“I know. I’m fucked up, right?” I huff.

“I just never imagined you having this issue. I’m like a proud mama.”

“I’m glad my heartache is amusing to you, but—”

“Oh relax, Riss. This is not a big deal. He obviously wants to talk to you. Just let him. Let him explain anything he needs to explain. Just listen. And enjoy the next few weeks of endless mind-blowing sex.”

I chuckle at the fact that
I’m
the one getting relationship advice from Laney. This is so unlike us.

“Okay, Mrs. Know-it-all. And what about after he leaves?”

“Well, then you fly your cute ass down here and veg out with me. We’ll watch dirty inappropriate movies, and you can drink margaritas while I drink apple juice and sprite.”

“And that’s suppose to help my broken heart how?” I chuckle because it’s so cute she’s trying.

She sighs, and for the first time in this conversation, I can tell she’s being genuine. “Riss, I wish I was there. I know how hard it’s going to hurt, and my heart aches just thinking about it. The only advice I really have for you is to just go to him. Enjoy the rest of the time you have with him.”

She’s right. I know she’s right. I thank her for the chat and hang up so I can sob in private. The hardest part of all this is letting him back in just to watch him leave. Can I do that? I have to…if I want these few short weeks with him, I do.

*   *   *

I work another shift, needing to clear my head before I confess my insecurities to Drew. I miss him. I
really
miss him. And not just the sex. His perfect blue eyes and baby face. His messy dark blond hair. But most of all, I miss how he makes me feel—the way he makes me feel like I’m the most important person in the world.

“So, sweetheart, what’s on your mind tonight?” Roger, a regular at the bar, asks me.

“Only you, Roger. Always you.” I wink, handing him another bottle.

He laughs deeply. “This is why you’re my favorite.”

“This is why you always get top shelf liquor.” I wink.

“Alright, so tell me what’s really on your mind.”

“I hate that you think you know me.” I scowl.

“I do know you, sweetheart. I watch you work every night.”

“That’s borderline creepy, Roger.” I laugh.

“Hey, you give me a good reason to creep.”

I continue with my shift, laughing and joking with the customers and Julia and Kenna. I finally feel better, getting things off my mind.

I didn’t have a lot of accomplishments growing up. There wasn’t anyone to impress; however, the one thing I was good at was spelling. When I hid in my room from my parents, I’d read. Some days, I wouldn’t have any books, so I’d read the dictionary. I got really good at blocking out the screaming and sex moans when I dug my head in a book. It took my mind off my own horrible life. Even if it was just temporary, the books gave me hope. They made me feel happy for just a moment, which was better than never feeling happy at all.

I had won my class spelling bee tournament in seventh grade. Velaney helped me study for the school-wide spelling bee every night. We’d talk on the phone and she’d quiz me all night long.

The day of the tournament, I wore my best dress. It was a size too small since my mother hadn’t bothered to buy me more, but I made it work. Laney brought me a pair of shoes and a headband to match. I was so excited. It was my time to shine.

I told my parents every night for two weeks about the event. It was a Friday afternoon and they both promised to take off work.

As I walked on stage with my number pinned to my shirt, I held my head high with confidence and determination. I was going to own this.

I was up against twelve other students. They were all the top spellers of their classrooms, making it a much more challenging competition.

The gymnasium was packed. All the students were invited to attend along with all the competitors’ parents. As my name was called, I stood up and walked to the microphone waiting for my first word. I couldn’t help my eyes gazing over the crowd, looking for my parents. My eyes made contact with Laney as she put two thumbs up in my direction.

I smiled and listened as I was told which word to spell. I breezed through the first round without a glitch. I continued looking over the crowd, still not seeing my parents.

I tapped my foot nervously, wondering where they were. They promised!

By the time there were only three of us left, they still hadn’t shown up. My heart sank at the realization, filling with sadness and anger. Should I really be surprised?

I’d
lived with disappointment my entire life. Disappointment in myself…in others…in anyone who let me down. I’d never relied on anyone because of this. Laney was the only person who hadn’t disappointed me. She’s the only one I’d ever fully trusted. But even so, was it a good enough excuse to push everyone else away? Everyone who worked to make their way in, and I just pushed them out?

“Carissa! Riss, wake up!”

My eyes flutter open, and I soon realize I’m lying on the bar floor.
Gross.

“What the hell happened?” I ask Julia and Kenna who are kneeling over me.

“You passed out.”

“Or blacked out.”

“You hit your head pretty hard. You should go get checked out,” Julia recommends. I don’t feel pain, well physical pain at least. But I nod in agreement.

Three hours and two scans later, I’m back home. No damage or explanation as to why I’m blacking out. That’s the second time this year it’s happened, and now there’s no explanation.

The doctor pegs it as stress-related. I explain to him what happens when I blackout, that I immediately re-live some past traumatic experience. He recommends I see a therapist to deal with my stress issues.

Stress issues?
How about trust issues, hating my parents issues, never feeling loved issues? Is there a special pill for that?

I decide to do some research of my own. There has to be some explanation.
Post-traumatic stress disorder?
Or do I just hold in so much rage and hate that my body literally passes out from it all?

Whatever the hell it is, I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to continue living like an empty shell. Even though I only have three weeks left with Drew, I want those weeks. Whatever happened before we met, or whatever happens after he leaves, doesn’t matter. Nothing should matter but what we have now.

18

For the first time in a long time, I feel vulnerable. I want to open myself up to Drew, let him in completely without thinking of the aftermath that I’ll be left with.

I knock on his door, anticipating seeing him again after a week. I’m nervous and jittery, but I need to do this.

“Stripper! Stripper’s here!” The guy who opens the door screams out. He’s holding a beer bottle in one hand and barely able to stand straight. “She’s hot, too!” he slurs.

“Dude! Who hired a stripper?” Another guy stumbles to the door, smirking like a fool.

“Yeah…” I linger. “I am
not
a stripper. I’m here to see Drew,” I explain, but they’re obviously ignoring me as they continue undressing me with their eyes. “Is he here?”

They continue drooling, so I barge through them.
I’ll find Drew myself, then.

The house reeks of alcohol, and I can tell they’re having some kind of frat party. It’s only six in the evening, but I guess I can’t put anything past a frat house.

“Drew! Dude, a stripper is here for you!” The same guy who answered the door yells out.

“I’m not a stripper!” I call out, rounding the living room to where Drew is sitting in a chair, bound by ropes. “Oh my god,” I shriek.

“Don’t worry, baby. He likes it rough.” Another guy teases, elbowing me as he passes by.

“Drew? Are you okay?” I ask approaching him.

I see the amusement on his face, but he’s not nearly as drunk as the others. “I’m fine, Doll.” His eyes light up as I come face to face with him. “This is their idea of some kind of going away party.” He laughs.

“By tying you to a chair?” I ask confused.

He shrugs nonchalantly. “They’re fucking nuts. And pissed.”

Wasted…of course.

I back away slightly. “I’m sorry. I-I should’ve called,” I stammer. Sadness overcomes me. I’m not sure what I expected when I saw him again, but this definitely wasn’t it.

“Carissa, don’t leave!” he calls out as I walk to the door. “Someone untie me!” I hear him shout.

What was I thinking? That he’d be moping around all sad and depressed like I had been?
That’s fucking crazy. I’m fucking crazy…

I reach my car just as Drew swings me around to face him. I don’t know what to say.
I feel desperate, vulnerable, and
so
not in control of my own emotions.

I let him back me up against the car. Without saying a word, he leans in and grabs my face. Our mouths collide, and he places eager, needy kisses all over me. My arms wrap around him as I pull him in closer. It really amazes me how much I missed him and his touch.

He breaks the kiss abruptly, leaving us both panting.

“Are you done leaving me, Doll?” he growls deeply, resting his forehead on mine, our heavy panting filling the space between us.

I nod, staying silent.

“We need to talk. I need to explain those letters.”

“No, you don’t owe me any explanation. They were yours, and I invaded your privacy. What you did before you met me is none of my business. I don’t know what came over me that I even read them.”

He responds as if he didn’t even hear me.

“Okay, yes. I loved Sarah. She was my high school sweetheart. She told me she would wait for me, but I never asked her to. I left London to start fresh and start a new life in America. I didn’t date much in college, it wasn’t until I met you that I felt something for someone else, which completely took me by surprise. It was entirely new to me, but I knew I wanted to explore it. And I’m so fucking glad I did, because it made me realize what we have is so much better. So real. So much more important, and absolutely worth fighting for. You’re all I think about. You’re all I want. And so now I’m here, begging for you to give us another chance, because I don’t think I can take losing you again.”

I just stare at him in awe, unsure of what to say. His face looks so pained and desperate.

“I never wrote her back. I read them and kept them, thinking maybe once I got home I would know what I wanted, but since meeting you, I haven’t opened a single one. She sends them every few weeks, and I’ve been placing them in my desk. I swear, I never thought of you as some sort of filler. You’ve
never
been any kind of a filler for me. You’ve been
everything
.”

“I’m sorry,” I say breathily. “I’m not any good at this. I’m not good at letting people in and trusting them,” I admit.

“The first step to trusting is to forgive. You need to allow yourself to forgive your parents. Forgive yourself for all your past regrets. Forgive so
you
can move on. I can help you trust—trust yourself, trust others,” he pauses briefly, “…if you’ll let me.”

I look up at him, smiling as we lock eye contact. “Are you using your Dr. Phil skills on me again?”

He shrugs casually. “I’m not all looks and muscle, you know?”

“Oh, really? That’s good to know.” I smile and bring my lips to him once more. “I want to spend as much time with you as I can before you leave. No more walls. No more barriers. I want as much of you as I can get.”

“Good…because I was about to go extreme creepy stalker guy on your arse.” I laugh, loving that our playful banter is back.

“So…I guess you should get back to your…farewell party?”

“Ha! Are you kidding? They just wanted an excuse to have a party and get pissed… uh, I mean, drunk.”

“So what do you want to do?” I ask, placing a finger on his shirt and sliding it down. He looks down as his eyes follow my path.

“We…um…could…go back to your flat?” he stutters, his breath hitching.

“I very much like that idea.” I grin.

We casually talk on the way to my apartment. It’s simple, yet intimate as we hold hands the entire ride. It’s sweet and very different to what I’m used to, yet I find myself enjoying the simplicity of it.

Drew kisses me the entire way as we walk to my apartment, making us trip and stumble over each other. I hear someone clearing their throat. I quickly look and see Collins with a knowing smirk on his face.

“Oh my god,” I squeal, looking away from Collins. “You’re going to make me fall on my ass.”

“And I’ll gladly catch that fine arse of yours.”

“How you do manage to make everything sound dirty?”

“I guess it’s one of my talents.” We both giggle as I finally get the apartment door open. It’s not long before we’re kicking shoes and pulling clothes off. It’s easy with Drew. I feel instant chemistry with him, and although the last time we were together I felt insecure and vulnerable, being with him again is easy. Surprisingly, I don’t feel any embarrassment or shame like I thought I would.

“Where are we going?” I ask as he leads me past my bed.

“Shower,” he mumbles without letting go.

He turns the handle, waiting for the hot water before grabbing me and walking us both in. His mouth explores my lips, neck, and ear. I don’t hold back the moans my throat releases as my body quivers under his touch.

“I want to try something. Do you trust me?”

“Yes, I do,” I reply confidently.

“Don’t move,” he orders, backing away. He walks out, giving me no indication of what he’s doing.

I close my eyes as I wait for him, letting the water cascade over my body. I hear him return, but keep my eyes shut. I just want to feel him.

“Open your legs for me,” he commands. I spread them apart, bracing myself on him. “Keep your hands up. No touching.”

“What? How—”

“Just trust me.” His voice is soft, but demanding.
I can do this. I trust him…

I raise my hands above my head, keeping my legs spread open. I’m completely exposed and vulnerable, yet I feel safe with Drew.

I’m surprised when I hear the buzzing of my vibrator.
Lily.
I want to ask him what he’s doing, but I don’t.
Trust.
I’m working on trust.

I feel him kneel down in front of me, tracing up one leg with
Lily
. He softly, just barely brushes her over my pussy before tracing her down my other leg.

The vibrations feel incredible with the water pouring down on me. He’s lucky it’s a waterproof vibrator, because this…I could really start to enjoy.

I feel him stand back up, his lips to my ear. “Turn around.”

I spin myself around slowly, facing the wall. I plant my hands on the tile and keep my eyes closed. I enjoy feeling his touch and not knowing what he’s going to do next, yet I feel like I’m on a stake-out, ready to attack if necessary.

He’s close behind me. I can feel his hard cock pressing against my back. I want him so bad, but I fight the urge to turn back around and stroke him.

He feathers the vibrator down my spine slowly, letting the vibrations ride over me. He moves it down to my ass and begins putting pressure against me, making me tense up.

“Trust me,” he whispers in my ear. “I won’t hurt you.”

I relax and let him continue his playful torture. He continues pressing the vibrator against me, making the pressure more intense on his way down my legs.

I know he wants me to let him take control and trust him, but I’m fighting the urge to turn around and demand he fuck me six ways to Sunday. I do not give complete control over
ever
.

I breathe slow breaths in and out, coaching myself that I can do this. I don’t mind giving him the control he’s demanding, but it’s hard to resist taking some of it back.

“Good girl,” he whispers as he makes his way back up my body. “Let me control your pleasure. You don’t control it. I do,” he growls. “You can come
only
when I say.”

I nod in response. I clear my head so I don’t overthink this. I’ve never let someone else control my pleasure before. Sex is the one thing I’m good at. Pleasure is the one thing I demand in bed. When I want pleasure, I take it.

However, Drew isn’t allowing me to control any of it. He’s
giving
me whatever he believes I need.

I feel him kneel behind me. His hand follows up my leg, making its way to my pussy.
I’m dripping wet with desire, and I’m fighting every urge to beg him to release me.

He slips in a finger, finally giving me some relief. His other hand is still holding the vibrator, and together, his finger and Lily rub over my clit and my piercing, making it very hard to continue standing.

“Oh yes…” I moan. My hands are planted firmly against the tile, my legs spread wide open. It’s hard waiting for him to give me permission, but the anticipation itself is making me hotter than ever before.

He doesn’t go in deep, just barely rubbing over my pussy so I can’t orgasm. It’s driving me insane, but I ride it out until he finally stops.

“That’s my girl,” he growls. “Trust me. Let me take control. You’ll enjoy it so much more,” he promises. I nod, giving in to his demands. He sets
Lily
down and wraps his hands around my waist as one hand cups my breast and the other hand goes down to my pussy again. The sensation of him rubbing my clit and rolling my nipple in between his fingers has me on fire. The intensity is enough to make my body collapse into him, but I focus on my hands. My hands are holding me steady, so I give in to the pleasure he’s giving me.

I pant against him, savoring his touch. I close my eyes as I let my body enjoy him. It’s new and refreshing not being in control, but I still feel the anxiety from letting go. Letting myself give in to his demands.

I lower my hand down to reach his, but he aggressively pushes it back in place. “Keep your hands up,” he reminds.

I brace myself for an orgasm as I’m getting close, but it never comes. He gets me to the point where I’m ready to explode just before pulling his fingers out.

“Drew…please…” I plead, urgently needing my release.

“Shhh…I’m taking you into the bedroom now.” I hear him exit the shower and watch as he returns with a towel. He scoops me up, making me tense up at his sudden movements.

Once he lays me down, he dries me off and positions me how he wants—my arms above my head, clenching the bedrail with my legs spread apart. I close my eyes, giving in to him. I’m surprised how easy and right it feels to give everything to him. I want him to always be around…to always have me… and for me to
always
have him.

I hear him wrestling in the drawer, and I know I’m in for something. He blindfolds me, not that it matters much since my eyes are already sealed shut. I don’t want to see him. I just want to feel him.

“You’re doing great, Doll. I’ll be right back. I have to look for something quick.”

I nod in response. He kisses me gently on the cheek before the bed dips and he’s gone.

I feel my anxiety creeping up on me. This is entirely new to me. I’m spread naked on a bed. I can’t see. And I have no idea what he’s up to.

I try to focus on my breathing.
In. Out. In. Out.
I relax more, allowing my arms and legs to rest on the bed just like he left me.