Authors: P. J. Belden
Logan
Rage.
Undiluted rage roared through my body on a collision course that was going to make me explode. It wasn’t at Faith, well not all of it. I needed to get away from here.
Clear my head.
“I need a minute,” I say before walking out of the room.
As I close the door to her room, to our room, I hear her start to cry. I know she needs my reassurance right now, but I want to collect myself first. Christ! She just told me that her family was involved in killing my child.
Running down the hall and down the steps until I reached the main level, and out past a questioning Lia and Leif. I need to get away and think about what was happening. No what had happened.
I kick off my shoes and take off my shirt, tossing it to the ground. I ran out into the water and just swam. My head was swamped with images that I want to erase.
Here over the course of our time apart, I wanted to hate her. Hate her for what she did to me. Hate her for walking away.
Now, I feel guilty for wanting to hate her. I feel guilty for even thinking that she was going on to something better while I rotted.
Pushing myself harder, I swim like I am being chased by a shark. The power strokes help force the tension out of my body. After what seems like hours, I turn around and swim back to shore.
Leif stands at the shore waiting for me. Just what I need, my younger brother finding his older brother falling apart.
By the set of my brother’s jaw, I could tell that he was not going to accept my brush off.
“What do you want Leif?”
“Talk to me, Lo. I know you are the older brother, but we aren’t all
that
far apart. Please let me be there for you like you’ve always been there for us.”
Just then Lucas, Landon, and Levi walk down.
“Levi, when did you get here?” I ask as I pull him in for a hug.
“A little while ago. What’s wrong brother?”
Shaking my head, I looked at my four brothers grown and respectable men. The overwhelming pride I feel whenever I look at them consumes me, as it always does. Somehow in all the fucked up situation our life had become, I’d still managed to do right by them.
“I’ve tried my best with you guys. Tried to raise you to respect yourselves and reach for your dreams. After Frannie…” I start to say.
“You raised us just as mom and dad would have wanted. You lost out on so much of your life…” Leif tries to put me in focus here.
“I gained far more than you guys will ever know. Knowing that you guys had a shot was all I needed to keep me going through a day. I wasn’t Mom or Dad, but I hoped that if I gave you guys enough, loved you enough, worked hard enough… It wouldn’t hurt you guys so bad.”
Levi steps forward and hooks his arm around my shoulder. “Yes, but when have you ever thought about yourself.”
“Leevee, I didn’t matter at that point. All that mattered to me was making sure that you guys were able to continue as normal as possible.”
“Okay, sure that was the responsible thing to do. But when I was old enough to take some of the reigns and then Leif, you should have backed off some and took some time for you. But you never did. No matter how much we tried, any free time we gave you, you just took on more shifts.”
To hear the sadness in his voice broke me. “Were you all not happy?”
Levi shakes his head and drops his arm from my shoulder to run his hands through his hair. He had that rocker look down. His hair was an unruly mass of dirty blonde. His eyes were bright blue. Mom always said that his eyes were so bright because he was destined to shine. She was right. He landed a major record deal and has been climbing high ever since.
Of course I wasn’t happy when he informed me of his first tattoo, but then when I saw it. I understood. It was a remembrance to our parents. I couldn’t get mad at him for that. We all dealt with their death in our own ways.
“That’s not what we’re trying to say here,” Levi said frustrated.
Landon steps forward and puts his arm around my shoulder. Landon stands slightly taller than me. Hard to believe that he’s the youngest.
“We were happy thanks to you. But what we’re asking is, were you?”
When I went to answer, Lucas holds his hands up and stops me.
“The only time we saw you
really
happy was when you were with Faith. It was those moments that we realized how much you gave up for us. Of course, it was Faith that showed us how you looked truly broken too. So we know you weren’t miserable, but I don’t think you were happy either.”
Shaking my head, I walk away from them all. What were they getting at here? I know damn well this isn’t all about what I did or didn’t do while I focused on giving them everything I knew my parents would have if they were still alive.
There hasn’t been a moment in my life that I’ve ever regretted until the day I let Faith run away from me. Knowing what she’s been through now, that regret has transformed into guilt.
All that has happened to her, has happened because I let her walk away. If I’d fought harder…
My legs give out from under me and I collapse to the sand. “It’s all my fault.”
I could feel my brothers sit next to me. No one said anything for a long time. My mind was whirling with memories of our time together and apart.
“What’s your fault?” Levi asks.
“Everything that Faith went through, that I went through. It’s my fault.”
“I’m sure you were both hurting. The way you talked about her, I’m sure she loved you just as much. You…”
“No you don’t understand,” I whisper.
“Help us understand then.”
“Her parents could care less about her. She spent her whole life trying to please them and no matter what she did it was not enough. Can you image Mom or Dad ever telling us that they wanted forget that we were ever born, on our birthday?”
Landon gasps next to me. “They said that to her?”
“Lia has a picture in the foyer of her house of her and Faith. Faith’s crying, but trying to force a smile on her face. You can see the anger in Lia’s eyes in the pictures. Lia told me that she had called her parents to see if they were coming to see her for her birthday – she was in a boarding school – and they told her they sent her there to forget she was even born so why would they go and visit what they wanted to forget.”
“Oh man, that had to kill her,” Landon mumbles.
“If you saw the picture you’d know it did. Yet she still strived to please them. Honestly, I think she thought if she did everything they told her to do that they might love her, eventually.”
“Man, I can’t even imagine what was going through her head growing up,” Leif says sadly.
“What was going through her head was that she’s unlovable. She still feels that way about me loving her. I know that’s why she turned and ran so easily. She thinks that if her own parents, who should love her, don’t care about her then no one else can either.”
We all sit there in silence. Everyone going over in their head what I just revealed about Faith and the life we probably would have had if I had not stepped up and took us all away from there.
“What happened the day she ran Lo? You’ve never really told us.” This question is from Levi.
No, I hadn’t told them about that day. Or about the weeks that I’d walk down to that spot and wait for her to come out. Or about how I damn near drank myself into oblivion until I was almost hit by a car walking drunk to mine. What kind of big brother, role model, would I have been then?
“She came down to our meeting spot crying. I knew immediately that something was wrong. I felt it in my gut as I walked to our spot. She told me that we couldn’t be together anymore. I told her that I couldn’t imagine my life without her. Go on and tease me, but she was my sunshine in the rain. Faith gave my days a purpose and I don’t know… completed me,” I shrug.
“We know,” Leif says gripping my shoulder in his hand. “We all saw the change in you. It was how we realized what you gave up for us.”
“I know, but I’d do it all again. I don’t regret it.”
“We know,” Leif smirks.”
“Anyway, she told me that they were making her marry some Tony guy. My heart was breaking in my chest. I begged her to marry me. To run away to my house and marry me. She said he threatened me and she couldn’t risk me getting hurt. Faith said if keeping me safe meant she lost her heart forever, then she meant that she never wanted to see me again. She told me she’d always love me and for me to take care of myself before she ran away from me. I stayed there until her body guard Beau came down. He told me it wasn’t safe and that he’d watch out for her and keep her safe.”
Rage rolls through me again and growl escapes my chest that has my brothers jumping a bit in their spots.
“He didn’t keep her safe. She found out two months later that she was pregnant with my baby. One month later her parents told Tony about the pregnancy and helped him beat her so much that she lost the baby.” My head drops, the guilt rolling through me.
“They killed our baby all because I let her walk away. After that she was constantly raped and beat by this Tony character until she signed on with Lia. She said, she wasn’t a whole piece anymore. She felt nothing anymore, until we unknowingly met up again.”
“Yeah, you came alive that day too. You went on and on about that woman forever. That’s why I finally called up the service again and set it all back up,” Leif smirks again.
“You know that service is Lia’s right?” It was my turn to smirk when his mouth drops open.
The laughter bubbles in my gut and before I know it I’m falling backward laughing harder than I’ve ever laughed before.
“You’re shitting me? Why hadn’t
she
told me that?”
“Probably the same reason that Faith didn’t want me to know. She didn’t want you to think less of her for how she’s dealt with her life.”
Levi stands and extends his hand down to me, pulling me up from the sand.
“You need to talk to your girl, Lo. You’ve got a new start here. I understand the risk that being back together entails now, but how much more pain will you put each other through before you stand side by side and fight this shit together.”
“You know you’re right. We are stronger together than we are apart.”
Levi grins, “Of course I’m right. I’m always right. Now let’s quit this sappy session and go see if there’s any fun to be had,” he wiggles his brows.
Laughing, we all walk off and head back toward the house. With each step the urgency to explain myself to her overpowered me and soon I was running back to the house.
Faith
Lia has convinced me to come outside and sit by the pool. Really all I wanted to do was curl into a ball in the bed and cry. Telling Logan everything had been a gamble, but it was the only way I could ask him to move forward with him and know that there were no hidden secrets.
Staring out at the pool watching all the girls have fun. Joey sat back watching. If I’m not mistaken his gaze was focused on Hazel. Was he her suitor that said he was falling in love with her? I hoped so. From what I’ve been told about him, he’s a great guy. Of course, if he works with Logan then he’s got to be a good guy.
My heart was breaking. I’ve ruined everything for not only my life, but my baby’s as well. Honestly, I don’t blame him. When I walked away, I told him that we weren’t worth the fight. Even though, in all that I believe in, it was to keep him safe, the message was still there. It’s what my actions showed even if my words said another. Even if the truth was another entirely.
Joey starts to move toward Hazel who sits quietly on the edge of the large in ground pool. Even from this side of the pool, I can see his hands shaking. Slowly, I watched his hand move as he reached out and took her hand within his. Even from here, I could read what he was saying to her.
You’re the woman from my room and my dreams. The woman that has taken my heart.
Hazel’s eyes widen and she stares at him and then down at his hand still holding her own. All she does is stare for the longest moment. My heart is pounding in my chest.
Take the leap Haze. Please take the leap.
My heart drops as she pulls her hand from his and runs inside. I watch Joey’s head drop as he slowly climbs up from the edge of the pool and walks out toward the beach.
My vision blurs with tears as I view the heartache written plain on Joey’s face as he walks away. Climbing to my feet, I walk in the opposite direction that Joey went. I needed sometime alone to grieve my own broken heart.
Though Logan walked away this time, it was still my fault. I created this. It was all me. Had I not listened and pushed him away all those years ago, things would be different now. We wouldn’t be fractured souls longing to be whole once again.
“I loved you enough to break my own heart to try and save yours,” I say to the ocean in front of me.
Breaking my heart was the only solution I saw at the time. The look in my father’s eyes that day… My whole body shudders at the thought. He wasn’t to be taken lightly and I knew it from his look. The thought of any harm coming to him because I was selfish, I just couldn’t live with that. So, I did what I thought was right. In the end, looking back, would I change my decision… I just don’t know.
The day I lost the baby… I knew then… I knew…
# # #
“Do you think I’ll be able to take anything with me?” I ask Beau as I pick through my clothes in my closet, holding the phone in between my ear and my shoulder, balancing it there while I tried to decide what to keep and get rid of.
“I don’t know, but something doesn’t feel right about this. My gut is telling me that it’s been too long for them to react. They should have done something already.”
Beau has always been on edge when it comes to my parents. He always fears the worst and sometimes those fears are warranted, but honestly this time I think I’m safe.
Just as I utter those two words ‘
I’m safe
’ the door to my bedroom slams open. I jump and scream, the phone dropping from my hands.
“You dirty, lying, fucking whore!” Tony roars before entering into my closet. “Innocent my ass!” He hit me across the face. So shocked by the venom in his voice, I didn’t control my scream.
“You sleep with some dickhead and get yourself pregnant.”
His fist lands on the right side of my jaw with such force I feel the pop as it dislocates. Falling to the ground, I whimper as I hit the floor. Tony kicks me in the gut hard.
“No stop!” I try in vain to shield my stomach. “Please, not my baby.”
In an attempt to protect my baby, I pull my legs up to my chest. Where are my parents for this? Where was Beau? He left a while ago to get some food. He should be back by now. I cry out as he kicks my shins. My legs straighten to try and stem the pain that coursed through them.
He lands kick after kick after kick to my stomach. All his rage focusing on where my baby is. Then he yanks my dress up to above my waist and tears my panties from my body. I scream and I scream loud. Certainly one of the staff would get my parents. They’d save me from this man.
Next thing I know, he thrust hard and painfully into me. I scream again. Punching him wherever I could hit.
“Get off me you sick fucker,” I hiss at him.
Grabbing my hands in one of his, he pinned them above my head.
“Is this what you like you little whore?”
“Fuck you!” I scream in his face.
He releases my hands and I land two hard punches to his face. Tony grabs my arms and twists them painfully. My scream was loud again. Someone has to have heard by now. Any moment now, my parents would be walking into this room and kicking his ass. Even if they didn’t care about me much it seems, they’d still not want their daughter, their flesh and blood treated this way. No parent would want that for their child.
He forcefully pounded into me, hissing nasty words at me the whole time. I turn my head and close my eyes. Tears want to fall, but I cannot let him see me break. I cannot show that he’s hurt me. I was in so much pain. My stomach, chest, head, arms and down there, it all hurt.
Suddenly he pulls out of me, straddles me and runs his filthy prick back and forth between my breasts that had fallen from my dress in the force of his assault. The first of his climax hit me in the chin and soon was splattering my face, neck, and hair.
The pain was indescribable. It was consuming and my whole body throbbed with it. My vision blurs as the pain continues to consume me. My ears were ringing. Tony was saying something to me, but I couldn’t hear him. I couldn’t hear anything nor could I focus on much either.
Suddenly, Tony grabs my hair as pulls me out of the closet.
I am completely stunned when I find
both
of my parents standing in my room. Neither of them looked appalled at their daughter being beat and raped by a man in their own house. No, instead my father almost looked proud.
Turning my gaze to my mother, I try hopelessly to find a sliver of compassion in her eyes, but I saw nothing. She was blank, an empty vessel of a woman. That was until Tony asked if he’d done a good enough job. A smile forms on my mother’s lips as she nods her head.
# # #
After that, he’d thrown me to the ground and walked out of the room with my parents. Beau had found me and took me to the hospital. Of course, my father
had
to come with. Told them I was mugged and beaten.
When the results came in that I’d lost the baby, my world shattered around me and ceased to exist, I ceased to exist. Everything went downhill for me from there. Though as much as I hated it and how much it tore me up, turning to Lia was the best move I’d ever made.
She kept me safe from him for most of the time. I can only imagine what the beatings would have been like if I was stuck there the whole time. Not to mention, I’d be married to the asshole. Another shudder tears through my body.
Taking a deep breath, I couldn’t risk him or his family and friends any longer. It was time I left. Yes, I didn’t know exactly where I was, but I knew where I needed to go.
Turning around, I head back into the house. Tears blur my vision at the thought of never seeing him again. He was my other half and always will be. I’ll never have anyone better than him… I’ll never have anyone else period.
Climbing the stairs took my breath away, but not because of the effort it took to physically climb them, but the mental side of things. I was leaving Logan… again.
Entering the room, a room I probably slept in alone, it still felt of us. Breathed of us. Shaking my head, I force myself to focus on the task at hand. Moving to the closet, I check to see if there is a bag or suitcase in there, there is. Setting it on the bed, I open it and walk back into the closet and grab some clothes. Just as I’m setting some clothes inside the suitcase, the door flies open.
Logan rushes into the room. He freezes when he sees the bag on the bed. When his eyes meet mine, I can see the disbelief in eyes.
“I have to leave. I’m not staying here when I’m not wanted. No reason to stay,” I choke out.
He hurries from the door, slamming it shut as he falls to his knees in front of me.
“Fay, listen to me. When I left this room, it wasn’t because I’d changed my mind about us. It was a lot of information to process. Christ, Fay, you told me that you were beat enough to… because you were pregnant with my child.”
“I know it’s a lot to process. You can have all the space…” Logan cut me off.
“I don’t need any time. I need you. Please don’t leave. Don’t give up on us again. Please,” he begs with tears shimmering in his eyes.
My breath leaves my lungs when he places his hand on my belly. Holding my gaze, he leans in and kisses my belly tenderly.
“Don’t break up our family,” he whispers.
My knees buckle beneath me and I fall to the bed. Logan knocks the suitcase to the floor and moves to the bed beside me, holding my hands with his.
“I know I didn’t react in the best way, but I just didn’t want to be that angry in front of you. So I went for a swim and then my brothers sat and talked to me for a bit. I’m not perfect and you’re not perfect, but you are perfect for me. I can’t let you go. Letting you go again would mean that I’m an idiot and I don’t think I am,” he smirks.
“Logan, I know I hurt you. It hurt me too, but I have no doubt in my mind that I did the right thing. That day when I lost… While Tony was beating me and raping me calling a whore and whatever name he could sneer, I held on to hope that my parents would come in and save me and see Tony for what he really was. When it was all over, he pulled me from the closet – I couldn’t even stand I was in so much pain – my parents were in my bedroom. They were there the whole time listening to him beat me and me pleading with him to stop and my cries… I knew then I made the right decision. If they could do that to me… they wouldn’t blink an eye at doing it to you. You had a family that depended on you and had already lost so much. I couldn’t do that because I couldn’t breathe without you.”
He cups my face in his hands and forces me to look him in the eyes.
“I love you Faith. Nothing has changed and nothing will. I love you. Let’s leave the past behind us and take it from today… Okay?”