Authors: P. J. Belden
Logan
“Baby? Are you okay?”
Her face was pale and I thought I saw tears in her eyes. Panic was hitting me hard. Was something wrong with the baby?
“I’ll be back. Would you mind finishing up lunch for me please? She needs to eat something.”
“Sure, I’ve got you covered. Go check on your girl and my future sister,” he half laughs.
Too concerned about Faith, I didn’t even bother to come up with a comeback. Instead, I hurry out the door to find the patio empty aside from Bleu.
“Bleu right?” I ask.
“Yeah. Logan right?” She says with a smirk.
“Yeah, have you seen my girlfriend?”
Pointing behind me toward the beach, “She ran that way.”
“Thanks,” I say as I run in the direction she pointed.
My heart hammers in my chest as I run looking for her. Finally, I round a curve in the shoreline and there she sits staring at the water. Something was wrong. My gut was practically screaming it at me.
Rushing over to her, I fall to my knees in front of her. Cupping her face in my hands, I look into her blank eyes.
“Baby, you’re scaring me here. Are you okay?”
“You’ll never be happy with me,” she mumbles.
“What?” I stare at her shocked. “Baby, I’m happy because I’m with you.”
She meets my eyes and I see the pain in her eyes. My heart is breaking and I wish that things were easier for us, that we could just be happy and raise our family.
“I saw it, in your eyes, the little niggling of concern for me.”
“Baby, your life is endanger. If you think that I’m not going to have that sitting in my head, then you obviously underestimate the love I have for you. I’ve never been happier than I am right now.”
“He’s telling you the truth.”
I turn to find Levi standing a few feet away. His face one of heartache.
“May I have a moment to talk with her Lo? You can go finish the last of your lunch and I’ll bring her back to the kitchen. I promise.”
Looking back and Faith, the pain in her eyes was killing me. Kissing her hard and quick, I told her I love her and walked back toward the house. My heart was sitting in my brother’s hands.
# # #
Levi
“Can I sit next to you?” I ask gently, as if I’m talking to a scared child.
She nods her head. Her eyes are on me and I know she’s wondering why I want to talk to her.
“I’m going to tell you something about Logan. He doesn’t know that I know. It’d probably kill him if he did. But I feel like it’s necessary that you know. Okay?”
She nods her head again, her eyes wide with fear. I turn my head and look back out over the water.
“My brother is my hero. Not just my hero, but my inspiration. If it weren’t for him our lives would have been totally different. But, he chose to give up his life and live for us. He’s the most selfless man you’ll ever meet. In my eyes, he can do no wrong, no matter how much he thinks he has.”
“He never thinks of himself.”
“But he did one time and it nearly took him from us completely. For a long time, Leif and I had been pushing him to get out and start dating. We were old enough to help with Lucas and Landon. He didn’t need to work himself to the bone when Leif and I were of age to help too. We convinced him to go on a walk, to take a break. We wanted him to get away from responsibility and be carefree for once in his life.”
I hear the hitch in her breath. “This is about me, isn’t it?”
Smiling softly, I continue. “He came home that night with the biggest smile on his face. Honestly, I don’t remember the last time I saw him smile like that. Before we lost our parents, I think. The smile stayed and every night he let Leif and I pick up the slack at home so he could leave the house. One day he sits me and Leif down and tells us he’s in love. The love that our parents had kind of love. We were so happy for him.”
“I loved him too, so much,” her voice cracking.
“I know, but when he came home that day you left him… I don’t remember seeing him that… broken. He was empty, a shell. Logan quit eating, but worked triple time to fill the void that you had once filled. One night, he went out to a bar. Somehow he managed to get some alcohol. Landon was sick and only wanted Logan so I had gone in search of him. To my horror, I watched as my brother comes stumbling out of the bar.” I pause and look down at her. “This may not be easy to hear.”
“Just tell me, please.”
“There was a girl with him. They stumbled behind the building. At the time, I was too shocked to understand what was happening. So, I followed. When I walked around the building, my brother had his pants around his thighs and the woman was on her knees. He kept screaming about needing to feel something. He was begging the woman to help him feel something. Um, in the end, he wouldn’t, um, work… God, this shit is hard to say about my brother.”
She stares at me and I see the tears dripping from her eyes. She nods. “He couldn’t get hard.”
“Yeah. The woman stumbles away and I watch my brother struggling to get his pants up. The whole time he’s saying how much he hates himself, his life, having to be the constant in a place he shouldn’t need to be. How we fucked up his life. I mean he was really letting that alley know how much he loathed his life.
Even then I knew that he didn’t mean those things. He was drunk and dying inside slowly. Anyway, he stumbles past me not even seeing me standing there. I was stunned. I couldn’t move. The regret dripping from his words, even though I knew were untrue, hurt me. It took me a few minutes to pull myself from the side of the dumpster. I hurried after him to stop him. I got close to him and heard him say that he wishes that they’d taken his life the day they took our mom’s. That he only manages to bring people down. Then it all seemed to happen in slow motion. A car peeled out of the bar parking lot and was headed straight for him. I was close enough that I saw his eyes go wide and I swear to you there was a small smile on his face.
The drunk driver swerved to avoid him just in time, smashed into my brother’s truck. My brother dropped to the ground and cried. That moment sobered him up immediately. Instead of getting to him, I ran home. Given all the things he’d said about us, I didn’t want him to feel guilty too.”
Faith swallows hard. Her mouth opens and closes several times no words or sounds coming out. Finally, she finds her voice. “What happened after that?”
By the look in her eyes, that’s not the question she wanted to ask, but the one she went with.
“When he got home, I immediately asked where he’d been. He said drinking. I told him that Lanny was sick and wanted him. That’s where the whole thing ended. He went back to working himself to the bone and taking care of all of us. A few months later, something changed and after that he was paying for sex. When I confronted him about it, he said it was a span of time that his heart didn’t realize how empty it was. So, I never said anything to him again on the matter. Of course, I made sure that he was being safe and he was.”
Looking at Faith, I muster up the courage to say this to an already fragile woman, but someone needs to say it and I think that someone is me.
“You hurt him that day. You destroyed the brother I knew. If you aren’t wholly committed to him this time, then walk away now, please. I’m not sure he’ll survive you walking away again.”
Her mouth falls open and she gasps. You’d think I’d actually hit her by the wince that scrunched her features.
“I love your brother more than anything in this world, Levi. But if he’s not happy…”
Turning, I face her head on.
“He
is
happy… now because of you. If you weren’t here… the man that was laughing in the kitchen, joking with me… he wouldn’t be there. You brought my brother back. Don’t take him away again because this time you know you’re hurting more than him.”
I stand and brush the sand from my shorts, reaching out a hand to help her up.
“I promised my brother to bring his girl back to the kitchen. Will you be making me break that promise?”
“No,” she squeaks out.
“Good,” I smile and lead her back to the main house.
# # #
Logan
Walking away and leaving Faith with my brother was harder than I thought it would be. For whatever reason, she’s convinced herself that I’m not happy. I’m hoping my brother is telling her that I am, but honestly I don’t know what he could have to say to her.
Lunch was finished. Now, I pace the kitchen and wait for her to come back to the house. Things are in such new territory right now, for the both of us, I think being timid and unsure is a natural thing to expect… I think.
Just then the deck doors slide open and I whirl around and watch my world walk into the kitchen. It was as if everything stopped. The world no longer spinning on its axis. My lungs no longer able to do what they were meant to do. My heart stops beating all together.
How my world will turn out all rests on these next few moments and my whole body readied itself for the worst. She had every right to change her mind. Alone and afraid, Faith had faced hell and back again. All because I was too stupid to fight for her, to fight for us.
As if in slow motion, she runs for me, throwing herself in my arms. Everything started working again. The world starts spinning, my lungs drawing breath, my heart beating. She was in my arms, right where I plan to keep her for the rest of my life.
“I love you, Logan,” her voice a bare whisper against my chest.
“I love you too. Can I feed you now? You really need to eat.” I say in hopes of changing the subject.
“You’re not mad at me? How can you not be mad at me?”
Honestly, I should have known that she wouldn’t let me get away with things that easy. Kissing her softly on the lips, I look into her eyes.
“Because six years is a lot of time to think. In those six years, I realized something.”
“What?” She breathes.
“I realized that in those short stolen months with you, was when I actually had a life. Before, I lived for my brothers. After, I lived to forget the pain of letting you go. The only time I’ve ever lived for me was when I was with you.”
“Oh,” she breathes.
“Fay, I know that things are crazy and new and scary, but I promise you with everything that I am that I’ll be by your side through it all. To love you more than any man could ever love a woman. To care for you and our child with every fiber of my being.”
Tears fall ceremoniously down her cheeks as her shaking hands reach up and touch my face. “I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you, but I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure that you know how lucky I am to have you and how much I love you.”
Pressing a soft kiss to her lips, I hug her tightly to me. Looking up, I smile at my brother standing on the other side of the doors looking in. Mouthing the words ‘thank you’ to him, he smiles and nods his head before walking away.
Slowly, I lead Faith to a stool and go back and collect lunch. She smiles warmly, lovingly, at me as she picks up her sandwich, taking her first bite of food and I heaved a sigh of relief.
Levi
Watching my brother wrap the woman he’s never stopped loving in his arms, pulled at something deep inside my chest. From what I remember of them, we had amazing parents who were completely devoted to each other. They loved their sons like no other parent could, I think.
We never lacked in love from them. There was never a time that we had to sit alone in our rooms and wonder if they’ll love us tomorrow. Everything in our life was perfect… Perfect until we lost Mom.
Logan changed so much that day. Then hardened himself even more when we lost Dad. When we moved in with our grandparents, I shake my head. They were evil plain and simple. I understood immediately why my father stopped talking to them. In fact, the parents that Faith knows, were exactly how my grandparents were.
Logan got emancipated at the age of sixteen and took on legal guardianship over all of us. He didn’t even think twice about quitting school and working to support us. The money from Mom and Dad’s estate, he placed in an interest bearing account and left it there until Landon turned eighteen.
His reasoning for doing that was so that way we’d all have an easier start in life. Our lives, that’s all that he was ever concerned about. Not in one single moment had I ever felt anything from my brother than love. That one night, when he was drunk and trying to forget his pain, was the only night I’ve ever heard him cursing his life.
It was that day that I decided he needed to have some of his life back. Landon and Lucas were away in college, he was free now. Just in time too, I thought with a smile on my face.
Pulling my shirt over my head, I slipped off my sandals. Diving effortlessly into the water, I swam the length and back again.
“Hey,” a small, but sexy voice says.
I stop my laps and look up into almost gray eyes. She was staring at me.
“Hey,” I reply smoothly, swimming over to join her at the edge of the pool.
“So this is your place huh?”
I look at her questioningly. Was she about to fangirl on me? God I hate it when women squeal and throw themselves at me all the time. Yeah sure it’s nice once in a while to not have to work for my next release, but sometimes… Sometimes, a challenge would be a major turn on.
“Yup,” was all I say.
“Why?”
My head snaps in her direction. Shocked not only by her question, but the distaste that seemed to follow the question.
“What do you mean?” I finally ask, dumbfounded.
“What reason could you possibly have to want to have a place so extravagant as this place is?”
Whoa!
“Well I don’t see it that way. Believe it or not, I spend a lot of time here. A break from the screaming and schedules. This is my writing cave. The place I go to to remember who I am and where I came from.”
“You grew up here,” she asks almost shocked.
“No,” I laugh. “Have you met my brother Logan yet?”
She shakes her head. “Not officially no. Faith talked about him all the time, though.” She looks back at the house. “I’m glad she’s got him back. It’s so nice to see her smiling.”
My brain was wracking hardcore to figure out what her name was. I knew she wasn’t Hazel. That girl is so standoffish I wonder if she even knew how to socialize. Of course I knew it wasn’t Lia, she and Leif have been friends for a long time. So that left Emma, Bleu, or Lexi.
As if she read my mind, she bumps my shoulder smiling. “I’m Emma by the way.”
I let out my breath. “Oh thank God,” I meant to say under my breath. But when I heard her laughter that washes over me warming my insides, I know it wasn’t quietly
“Struggling were you?” She teases.
“Well, I didn’t want to call a beautiful woman, such as yourself, by the wrong name and ruin my chances of getting to know her better.”
“Oh, be still my heart, was that a pick up line?”
Grinning at her, “That depends, did it work?”
“Oh, honey, you’ll have to do much better than that. I’m sure you’ll think of something. Until then,” she leans down and kisses me deeply before pulling back. “Mmm, that will have to do until you do better. Have a good night Levi.”
Climbing to her feet, she sauntered away in her barely there bikini. My cock was harder than it has ever been.
“Damn,” I breathe.
Her laughter as she walks inside told me she heard me. She looks at me over her shoulder.
Challenge accepted, beautiful.
# # #
Faith
“I can’t eat another bite. I’m so,” I hiccup. “I’m so full.”
Logan smiles. “Where would you like to go now?”
Oh, I know where I want to go right now with him smiling at me like that, but there was something else I wanted to do too.
“Would you up for a walk on the beach?”
“That sounds wonderful.”
He walks around the counter and holds his hand out for me to take. Placing my hand in his, he smiles as he walks me to the deck doors. Walking down to the beach, the salt and the smell hit me first.
“It is just beautiful here,” I whisper in wonderment.
Taking a deep breath, I let go of Logan’s hand. Spinning in a circle, I lift my face to the warmth of the sun.
“It just so relaxing and beautiful here.”
“It is, but nothing is more beautiful than seeing you smiling like this.”
Logan walks slowly toward me and my heart swells in my chest. He really did love me. I’m not sure I could love this man more than I did five minutes ago and then he looks at me like this and I know that my love for him will continue to grow each and every single day.
“Dance with me?”
I laugh. “There’s no music,” I say shyly.
Logan wraps me in his arms and starts swaying back and forth. Resting my head on his shoulder, I sigh contently. This is the best day in a very
very
long time.
# # #
The sun was setting by the time we made our way back up to the house. Sex on the beach was far better than I had ever imagined. But maybe it was because I was with a man that saw me as his world.
The feeling of him making love to me will never get old. Though making love on the beach hadn’t been too far off from how we made love in the beginning it was better, more intense. Each moment got better and better.
Just as we walked up on the deck, I notice that Levi had started a fire in the fire pit. He was sitting next to it and strumming his guitar absentmindedly.
“Will you play a song?”
Levi jumps slightly at my question. Giving us a smile, we sit down in the seats around the fire pit.
“Sure. What do you want to hear?”
“Play
You made me, me
. I think it’s about time the world heard that song,” Logan says quietly.
“Lo, I…”
“You can do it. I believe in you, always have.”
Sitting back a little, Levi starts strumming a beautiful melody out on his guitar. The song was slow and from the sounds of it sad, but I was enraptured just by the melody alone. Then he starts to sing and I’m in awe.
In the empty space in my chest, I wonder what your life would have held for you.
If time had been kinder and you were able to see your life through.
It must be hard to stand so close to what you want and then watch it slip away.
Through your fingers it slips and flies far far away from the light of day.
I ache to see what there could have been
If we didn’t say goodbye to you then.
I’m lost searching for safer ground.
Thankful so thankful to have you around.
In this empty space in my chest, my heart once beat.
But you gave more than one small feat.
I’m the man I am today because of the things you gave.
I’m the man I am today because of all you saved.
When the darkness would start creeping in, I thought of you.
I thought of all you had to go through.
Because you loved me, because you were everything you didn’t have to be.
You made me, me.
The song continues, but my heart is clenched painfully tight in my chest. I have a feeling that Logan doesn’t fully understand or maybe I’m reading too much into it. When the song came to an end, I watched a tear slip down my boyfriend’s cheek.
“Wow! Was that about your parents?” Emma asks.
She was sitting awfully close to Levi. It’d be nice to see Emma settle down with Levi. They’d be a perfect pair too. Someone to put both of them in place from time to time.
“Yeah, he wrote that…”
“It’s not about Mom and Dad,” Levi mumbles.
“But I…”
Levi cuts him off. “It’s about you.”
“It’s what?” Logan breathes.
“You gave up so much for us, to make sure that we were okay, but gave up on you,” a younger version of Logan spoke up.
“Lanny, I only did…”
“What you had to. Yeah we know you say that all the time. But the fact of the matter is, you didn’t
have
to do it.” Another James brother says, he’s maybe a little older than Landon.
Man all these brothers look so much alike.
“Luke’s right. You put your life on hold for us. We all had a hand in that song,” Leif says.
“If we would have stayed…”
Levi cut him off. “Yeah, and that’s why we are so thankful for you. We were able to live our lives with a great home life and reach for our dreams. You made sure you supported each and every one of us. Even if it meant no sleep for you between two jobs and all our extracurricular activities. You never bitched and moaned. You just stepped up and filled the shoes of two people almost seamlessly.”
“I don’t need thanked for it. When I did it because Mom and Dad would have wanted it.”
“Maybe so, but you still didn’t have to at age sixteen.” I saw a wicked gleam in Levi’s eyes and I knew he was going to try and lighten the mood. “Shit, bro, when did you lose your virginity?”
Logan glanced down at me and for the first time, I saw him blush.
Holy shit! He was a virgin when we were together.
“No way! Damn brother, we took far more from you than we thought.”
Wanting to get him off the hook, I step in for my man. “Well I for one would never have known. He was freaking amazing and I thought I’d never walk again,” I wink at him.
His brothers all groan and quickly scramble for a topic changer. Logan looks down at me and smiles softly.
“I lost it to the person I’ll love for the rest of my life. There’s no way I can complain about that,” he whispers, before kissing me softly.
We shift over to one of the loungers and I rest against Logan’s chest, watching everyone. Emma seems to be either star struck or taken with Levi. I’m not sure which it is yet. Hazel keeps sneaking peeks at Joey, who stares at her blatantly periodically throughout the night. Leif can’t take his eyes off Lia for a single moment to realize that anything else is even going on.
Lia has loved that man for as long as I have known her. It was very obvious that he feels the same about her. So why aren’t they together yet? It was irritating me.
Lexi kind of sat off by herself just watching everyone. She almost looks sad and that breaks my heart. She had to be one of the most caring people I’ve ever met. The life she had before she met Lia was deplorable at best. She never fully felt included with the girls because of her age. At nineteen, she always thought we saw her as a baby.
Zoey and Lucas seem to be comfortable with each other. They sat next to each other talking amicably. Zoey was a good girl. I’ve only worked with her once, but Lia says she’s a lot like me. Well, I hope she’s had a far better life than I did.
Bleu didn’t seem to want to be a part of the gathering. She was a bit harder than the others. From what Lia tells me, she’s not too happy about being here.
Maybe being out there was a good thing. Maybe the friendships we forge here will be the force that changes our lives as we know it. It could give us an outlet we never had before. Fear may have brought us all out here and together, but it wasn’t what was taking over here.
A smile forms on my lips at the thought.