Fully Automatic (Bullet) (42 page)

Chapter Fifty-one

IT WAS A few days later before Val was able to get to the doctor.  She came home in tears, Ethan holding her close, and they said they wanted to have a band meeting.

Ethan did most of the talking because Val was struggling to hold it together, but Brad suspected
he was talking because of her voice too.  She was holding out hope.

They sat in the living room and Ethan said, “Bad news, guys.  The doctor said Val has some pretty brutal scar tissue.  He chewed her ass for not getting vocal training, said she had shitty vocal techniques.  He said the cure is surgery—laser would be best—and vocal therapy.  The two of us have talked
, and we don’t think Fully Automatic has the time or the money.”

Brad looked over at Val. 
She reminded him of a water balloon filled past its breaking point, her eyes springing leaks, tears starting to falling down her cheeks, because he knew how much this meant to her.  Fuck.  He was the one who’d talked her into being their lead singer in the first place.  He’d had no idea she’d been stressing her voice so hard for so long.  He’d give her credit—he could tell she was sad, but she was doing a great job of holding it together.

He
started to protest.  It was killing him seeing how this whole mess was eviscerating her.  He too wanted to hold her close and tell her everything would be okay, but it wasn’t going to be.  She had to have surgery, and Ethan was right—they didn’t have the money and they probably didn’t have the time.  If healing from the surgery was like other operations, they were talking weeks.  And therapy on top of it?  They didn’t have that kind of time, not if they wanted in on the opportunity Jet had offered.  So he stopped himself from giving a knee-jerk response, trying to spare Val’s feelings, and instead asked, “So what are you proposing?”

Ethan shrugged but Val steeled her face—Brad could see it—and she said, “I think you should sing lead vocals.”

Brad knew he could do it, but he hadn’t expected her to say that.  He too was feeling emotional, and so he blurted out, “No.  No way.”

Val nodded and reached over to grab his hands.  “Please, Brad.  You know I can’t do this.”

Zane added, “They’re right.  If we weren’t under the gun, it might be different, but…”

Nick nodded too but didn’t say a word.  Brad sighed.  “Val, you sure you want to do this?”

She hadn’t taken her hands off his.  In spite of the tears threatening to fall, making her eyes glisten, she smiled.  She whispered, “Yes.”

Ethan said, “You’ve been singing most of the backup of all the songs since Val took over.”

Zane said, “You’ve got a great voice man.”

Brad took another deep breath.  Being their leader meant he’d take responsibility, even when it might hurt others.  So he nodded.  But then he said, “Okay.  But no fuckin’ way am I rerecording ‘Metal Forever.’  That’s Val’s song.  It stays as is or we scrap it.”

All three of the guys agreed and Val started crying then.  She couldn’t hold it together anymore.  It was as though her tears ducts had been cracks in a dam, and they had weakened to the point that they just couldn’t hold the water back any longer.  It was torrential.  She excused herself and went to the bedroom she now shared with Ethan.

Brad asked Ethan, his voice quiet, “Think she’ll be okay?”

Ethan, his voice equally low, said, “I don’t know, man.  I’ve never seen her like this.  I’m worried about her.”

Nick said, “This sucks.  Totally sucks.  Can’t we wait?”

Ethan shook his head.  “No way.  We’re talking thousands of dollars for this surgery.  We just don’t have it.  We’re still paying for my hospital stay in Texas.  We don’t have the money, and we don’t have the time…right, Brad?”

“Yeah—Jet made it sound like if we wait too long, we might as well just kiss it goodbye.”

Nick sighed, looked at his feet, and then shrugged.  “Poor Val.”

Brad knew they all felt like total assholes, but they knew what had to be done.  Brad wanted to practice in the apartment
that night so he could go in that Saturday and bang them all out, but he wasn’t going to rub Val’s nose in it.  Instead, he sang one song on the way to work and coming back home, then the next, and the next.  He had a few days before the next studio slot.  And he sang each song until he went through it once without any mistakes and sounding the way he wanted it too.  Sometimes he could get through three songs going one way.

He couldn’t hold a candle to Val.  She’d perfected the songs.  But when he sang, he dedicated each song in his heart to her.

He wasn’t sure how he did it, either, but he had all thirteen goddamned songs recorded in a few hours.  Lots of water and not stressing his voice.  He was nervous now, though, wondering if he should get vocal lessons.  He didn’t want to suffer in the future like Val was today, and maybe a little prevention now would save him from pain and surgery later.  So he decided he’d get a little vocal training on the sly over the next year.

He felt like such an asshole.  It should have been Val’s voice on the CD.  Everyone listened to the CD and loved it, including the track with Val’s vocals.  It sounded great.

And that made Brad feel guilty as hell, but there was nothing he could do about that.

He shipped it off to Jet, but not before talking to him on the phone.  “Man, Val’s only on one song.”

“Why?  What the hell happened?”  Brad told him about what had been happening with Val’s voice and that she was going to need surgery.  “That sucks.”

“Yeah, so we decided I should do the vocals.  We knew we had to get this done and get it done quickly.  If Val could have had the surgery…”

He heard Jet sigh.  “Frankly, she was one of the selling points.  But I’ll see what I can do.  You guys kick ass.”  Brad suspected that if Ethan had done the vocals, Jet wouldn’t have touched it with a ten-foot pole.  It had never been a secret that Ethan and Jet couldn’t stand each other, but he and Jet had a good working relationship, and Brad trusted him.  If he said he was going to try, Brad believed he meant it.  And, after he paid the clerk at the post office, it was out of his hands.  Their fate rested in others’ hands, and Brad decided to put it out of his mind.  Thinking about it would just stress him out.

Now came the time to tell their hardcore local fans about Val.  And he knew that wasn’t going to be easy, because she had a lot of fans.  Still, it had to be done.  The weekend before, they’d said she was ill (half true) and couldn’t perform, so Brad was covering for her.  Now, though, they had to tell the truth and pray the fans didn’t throw shit at them.

Brad was talking to the guys about how to do it and Val said, “Let me do it.  I want to.”

Val had been teetering on depression.  Her telling her fans could go one of two ways—it could, in one way, give her closure and also let her know how well loved she was.  It could at least make her feel better about leaving.  On the other hand, it could just make her feel wors
e, knowing how much she would be missed.  Still…if she wanted to, he wanted to let her.  And, coming from her, he was sure the fans would understand better.

All three shows that weekend, she opened.  She sang “Metal Forever” first, and she was able to hold it together for the most part.  But then she said a tearful goodbye to her fans, telling them what had happened.  Each night the fans screamed and hollered and cheered for her, and the last night, one good-hearted fan eve
n started collecting money for her.  At the end of the night, the girl gave Val a coffee can filled with bills.  Val didn’t want to take it, but the girl insisted.  It held over three hundred and seventy dollars…not nearly enough for surgery, but it made Val cry fresh tears nonetheless.

If Brad had any say in it, someday he’d make sure Val got her real shot.  But he had to make sure Fully Automatic made it first.

* * *

Ethan’s dad died a couple weeks later. 
Ethan pretended like he didn’t care, but Brad knew from his long-standing friendship that Ethan had a lot of daddy issues.  As much as he acted like he didn’t give a shit, Brad knew better.  And, worse yet, Brad saw the signs that indicated a new cycle of drugs and alcohol abuse were just around the corner.  He didn’t know if Val recognized the signs, but he did.

Brad was surprised, because Ethan indulged for about a week and then got his shit back together.  Just in time, too, because their dream came true.  They got
the
call and were signing a contract within a week.  Ethan got pissed at Brad because Brad read every line on those papers and even questioned a few.  Ethan just wanted to sign and be done with it.

The next year was a whirlwind.  They rerecorded some of their songs and the label took over. 
The label tried to talk them into changing the band name, but they let the guys keep it.  Brad argued that they already had a fan base—it might not have been huge, but those people knew who Fully Automatic was and would hype them from the get go.  The band had little say in the cover or what songs went on the final album, and they had no say in the first single.  The label chose one of Brad’s least favorite songs, one called “Scream Loud Enough.”  It wasn’t a bad song, but it was one he’d written early on.  Everyone else in the band had always loved it and apparently the label did too, thinking it would be a song that would get people’s attention.  He disliked it because it was nothing more than a hate letter to Ethan.  No one had ever seemed to pick up on it, but Brad knew.  It had been cathartic when he’d first written it, but as he grew older, he felt like it lacked the love and support his brother needed, and singing it over and over reminded him of that fact.  It wasn’t as meaningful now as it had been, and maybe playing it over and over for the video and then on the road constantly could make it mean even less.

It was a good song, though, as far as showing off their chops.  There was some mean axe work in the song, some good vocal stuff—from low to high and a lot of death growling.  It really highlighted a lot of the cool things Nick did as a drummer too, so once Brad let go of the fact that he didn’t muc
h like their choice for the single, he knew it would be good for the band.

They had barely wrapped the video than they were on the road.  Ethan asked Val if she wanted to come along,
but it was evident that it continued to be a painful subject for her.  She stayed at home with her mother for a few months, and then, when the band had a week hiatus, she spent the entire time with the band.  It was then that she and Ethan started looking at homes, because after only two months of being on the shelf in the music store, Fully Automatic was getting recognized and money was already starting to pour in.

Their new manager and everyone at the label told them all the same thing—now was not the time to rest.  They needed to work their asses off.  That meant they spent two-thirds of the following year on the road.  Some of the bands they opened for bitched about the grueling schedule, but Brad loved it.  He wasn’t having to change oil in cars anymore.  He was doing what he loved several days a week.  He was seeing parts of the country he’d never seen before.  He wasn’t having to worry about spending money either.  He loved every second of it.  And being in that position made him all the more creative.  He was writing more songs than he ever had before.

He was proud of the guys too.  They really stepped up their game.  They played one flawless show after another, and the crowds were amazing.  They appreciated the effort they put into it.

One night, somewhere in South Dakota, they were wrapping up their set before exiting for the next band, and he got to the edge of the stage, a little away from the lights, so he could see the audience.  It was like an ocean, not like the tiny audiences he’d been playing for over the last few years.  There were hundreds—
thousands
—of people out there.  He couldn’t see their faces, but even near the back, he could see arms waving, cheering, signing.  He felt his heart swell with emotion, and that was the moment when he knew he’d finally made it.

Chapter Fifty-two

BRAD STARTED FEELING like the tour for their first album would never end.  As it was, they were recording their second album during mini-breaks from the tour.  But their manager had told them “no rest,” and Brad was taking it seriously.  He was still hungry—in fact, he was even hungrier, because he’d tasted success.  He was not going to be just a flash in the pan.

It was sometime during their recording process that Ethan announced he was going to be a dad.  That hit Brad like a ton of bricks.  He’d thought fame and fortune had wiped Valerie out of his mind, and while achieving his dream had helped push her
to the back of his mind, knowing that Valerie was carrying Ethan’s child pretty much sealed the deal.  A child made their relationship permanent.  There were no take backs when a child was involved.

Ethan had fallen into his usual addictive ways once they’d hit the road. 
Still, it seemed that once he’d found out about the pregnancy, he was trying to be a good husband.  He bought a house for Val with his newly earned spoils, and she put her heart and creativity into it.  It was an older house in need of TLC, but that was what Val said she wanted.  And, yeah, Ethan seemed to try to get his drinking and other illicit activities under control when Val told him she was pregnant, but—like always—Brad suspected it would only last so long.

There were only two things he knew for certain—if Ethan was involved, Val would always run to the guy, and if drugs were involved, Ethan would show up at some point in the party.  Those were the two givens of Brad’s life, and if he hadn’t finally started experiencing success
with the band, he would have had to find a way to break out from their dysfunctional madness.

Ethan grumbled some at the nonstop touring and writing as well, but Brad, Zane, and Nick talked sense into him.  They could rest when they knew for certain that they were solid.  Until then and as long as there were any doubts, they were working their asses off.  Brad did not plan to become a grease monkey again.  Ever.  No fucking way.

Karen was a blessing in disguise.  He didn’t see her much, but when he did, she made him feel special.  She still had that hard edge, but she seemed to worship him and gave him more attention than he’d ever asked for.

Brad broke down and bought a house as well when they were in the middle of writing their second album.  He saw no reason not to.  Zane and Nick decided to keep the old apartment for a while since they had plenty of room at that point—two guys, three bedrooms, price of rent locked in for a while.  They knew they wouldn’t be there much anyway, if their grueling tour schedule kept its pace.

Brad loved the idea of having a house to come home to, but there wouldn’t be anyone there and, if left unwatched, there might not be anything left either.  So he invited Karen to move in with him.  She was enamored with the idea, and Brad felt like a real asshole for getting her hopes up.  Then he wanted to kick himself for thinking
that
, because he and Karen got along okay, and she accepted him for who he was.  What more did he want?  Did he feel a fire burning inside for her?  No.  Was the sex the best ever?  No, but it was enjoyable enough; he wasn’t complaining.  Did he picture himself with her forever?  No, but he didn’t think that was possible with any woman.  Karen wasn’t perfect and neither was he, and as long as she wanted him, fucked in the head and all, they would be together.

He thought she was starting to question her decision, though.  Even though she was able to decrease her hours at work
and
Brad brought her a new car, she was beginning to feel like she was getting the short end of the stick.  He wouldn’t have known it if she wouldn’t have started grumbling about it.  One morning before he had to go to another recording session, they sat at the table in his new kitchen eating breakfast, and she said, “It’s Valerie, isn’t it?”

He swallowed, forcing the bacon down only half chewed, making him uncomfortable.  He grabbed for his coffee and took a big swig.  It was a little too hot but he managed.  He took a deep breath and hoped he sounded calm.  He’d been dreaming about Val the night before.  Her pregnancy was weighing heavily on his mind.  He hadn’t seen her in months and hoped she was okay.  He imagined her in that big old house all by herself, hanging cute wallpaper in the nursery, crying, wondering where her husband was and what he was doing.  If she and Ethan hadn’t been married, he wo
uld have called her.  They remained friends, after all.  But somehow that kind of contact nowadays felt inappropriate.  So, yes, he’d been worried about her, but how had Karen figured it out?

Once he felt he could control his response and keep emotion out of it, he asked, “What do you mean?”

“The woman you said you’ve always loved.”  He blinked.  Karen had only ever met Val in person once before, and that was at a Fully Automatic Christmas party.  It was intimate, not a lot of people, but each guy had a gal on his arm—not just the band, but roadies and other important people now a huge part of the band’s life.  How the fuck had Karen made that connection?  He and Val hadn’t said more than twenty words to each other since the band had gone on tour.  He thought about denying it, almost even shook his head, but before he could even pretend, she said, “You were saying her name in your sleep last night.”

He made sure his voice sounded strong in spite of how he felt inside.  “I was?”

She nodded.  “It’s okay, Brad.  I told you we were cool from the beginning, and thank you for telling me the truth.”  She frowned and picked up her coffee cup.  “I just wonder how her husband feels about it.”

Brad almost said Ethan knew, but he wasn’t so sure about that.  Ethan
should
have known, but Ethan wasn’t always present.  Ethan knew Brad had been interested in Val long before the guy decided to pursue her.  Ethan knew Brad and Val had been intimate more than once.  Brad knew, though, that Ethan had no idea that Val and Brad had slept together right before they took him to the hospital in his comatose state.  And, if Brad had any say in it, Ethan would never know.  That said, the guy was a fucking idiot if he didn’t know that, at least in the past, Brad cared very much for Valerie.

Of course, Ethan excelled at being a fucking idiot sometimes.

Bottom line, though—Brad wanted them
both
happy—and that meant he’d stay out of the picture.

He wasn’t sure what Karen was looking for.  Did she want to make Brad mad?  Sad?  Make him grateful for her?  He wasn’t sure what her angle was and,
because of that, he didn’t know what kind of answer to give her.  He shrugged and drank the rest of the hot coffee and then stood.  He scraped his plate in the trash and said, “Gotta go,” kissing Karen on the forehead and then leaving the house as quickly as he could.  He wasn’t prepared to talk about his feelings for Valerie, especially with the woman who was supposed to help him forget about her.

* * *

Brad had convinced the powers that be to let the band be home around Val’s due date.  It was her first baby, for God’s sake, and she would want her husband nearby.  The band worked on the last couple of songs for their second album while they were homebound so their time wasn’t wasted.

Ethan grumbled on occasion about having to attend childbirth classes with Val.  Brad hoped he was just whining about it because it wasn’t the most exciting
thing he could be doing; he hoped Ethan wasn’t entirely serious.  This was his first child.  He should be thrilled.  Ethan had mentioned that the baby was a boy too, and he and Val were trying to choose names.

It was then that Brad felt the familiar old ache.  Ethan didn’t seem to appreciate her as much as Brad thought he should.  He wanted to be there for Val.  He tried telling himself, of course,
that Ethan appreciated and loved his wife and was thrilled to have a child on the way.  He was just expressing himself in typical Ethan language—bitching and pissing and moaning, even when there was no reason to.

It was probably because he was maintaining his sobriety, and he felt like it was against his will.

Well, being clean wouldn’t kill the guy.

Neither would being a father.

The time came, though, and Brad, Nick, and Zane got a group text from Ethan that baby Christopher was born, inviting them to come by the hospital the next day.

It was delicate.  He was going to go, with or without Karen, but he wanted to invite her.  He didn’t care if she came, but he needed her to know he wanted her along if she so wished.  So when she came home from the tattoo shop that night, he told her that Ethan and Valerie’s baby had been born
, and he was planning to visit the next day.  “Do you want to come with me?”

She smiled then.  Brad had no way to know for certain, but he thought maybe it made her feel better that he wanted her along.  “Yeah, okay.”  She paused.  “Should we get something for the baby?”

Brad smiled.  “Yeah, I guess so.”  He realized then that Val must have had some kind of shower but she hadn’t invited Karen.  Maybe it was time she and everyone else knew he had a steady woman in his life.  And having Karen choose a gift for the baby was the perfect time to start.