4
BARRIER
“I
'm tired of us walking around not speaking to each other,” Sam said to me when I was studying for a test. “The tension is weighing me down, Cass.”
Angrily, I threw down my pen, stopped doing my homework, and said, “That's your choice. I've never changed. I've been the same way with you. You got with your little friends and decided I wasn't worthy of your time. The problem is you never took into account that we had something tight. They might not like my style, they might think I'm a little too wild, but you know everything I've been through. Particularly lately, Samantha. And I guess I just never thought you'd throw all that away just to please girls who are so fickle. Watch yourself, or they'll be throwing you to the curb.”
“Will we ever be able to get past it?” she asked me with eyes that held mine.
I knew she used to be sincere. Honestly now, though, I didn't know if she was just coming to me because, out of all of us who had attended rush last week, I was the only one who really knew my stuff. Now that the Betas didn't deem me as having the party-girl mentality, she wanted to be attached to me. It just seemed too coincidental, too fake, and too phony. I wasn't going to fall for it and then have her dump me when her crew decided to tell her to again.
I grabbed my books, shook my head, went to my room, and shut the door. However, I instantly felt uneasy about being too blunt. I really felt my heart weighing on me like I had a conscience, which was new for me because this whole Christianity thing was still in its infancy stage, as far as I was concerned. I didn't want to hurt her feelings and not take her word. If God could forgive me for all my crazy ways, I was supposed to be able to do the same. I was only human, but I had capacity to forgive. How could God be pleased with my sorry actions?
So I dropped to my knees and prayed, “Lord, all this is new for me. I'm sorry I'm not as sweet as I need to be. Help me, but right now I just can't trust her.”
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“There were two letters in the mail!” Sam rushed up and said five days after we'd turned in our sorority packets and had our interviews.
I didn't know Beta Gamma Pi protocol, so whether the letters meant something good, something bad, or could go either way, I had no idea. I mean, they'd never told us we were getting a phone call. Since rush, after we'd met their adviser who had told us to come to her with any drama, the Betas had actually been trying to keep as much distance as possible.
Sam and I weren't as rude to each other anymore. The smart little comments, keeping our things labeled in the refrigerator, or staying longer in the bathroom to irritate the other were dismissed over the last days. However, we were not tight, either. So whatever was in my envelope was my business. Whatever was in hers, she could share if she wanted, but I wasn't going to pry.
“Thanks, you can hand that to me,” I said to her, extending my hand as I waited for the envelope addressed to Cassidy Cross.
“You don't want to open them together?” she asked as her body jumped nervously. “I've really been praying about us working through our differences. I do care a lot for you. Cassidy, please give me another chance.”
“Fine,” I said sarcastically, and I vented even more. “I don't know how we went wrong, where we veered off. Oh! I guess I do know, you let other peopleâ”
“I know, I know, I know,” Sam said. “I'm sorry. I know you and I don't think alike, but we do live together. It's not just because I have to get along with you that I want us to reconnect, it's because I miss you. I want our sisterhood back.”
She reached out to hug me. I had to dig deep then, and I realized I did miss her as well. As far as I knew, she hadn't put my business out in the street, so even though we'd had turmoil, she had still remained somewhat loyal. Sam was a great girl, and I was a better person with her as my friend, not my foe. I hugged her.
Holding me tight, she said, “Thank you, Cass. Thanks for forgiving me.”
“Thank you for saving me,” I said, remembering that she had cared about me when I didn't care about myself.
When we pulled apart, she handed me my letter. “Both of our letters look just alike, so let's open them together. Good thing is, I heard that if you get a letter quickly that means you have to pay your membership fee. The other people who didn't make the line receive their letters from Grand Chapter, which is going to take a little longer, so I think we both got in!”
“All right, let's open them. One, two, three,” I said, and we tore open the letters together. We both skimmed, and suddenly we were jumping up and downâuntil I read the fine print that said a cashier's check or money order in the amount of seven hunded fifty dollars needed to be paid by midnight the next day.
I did the only thing I could doâI called some of the Betas from back home. The two who had written my recommendation letter and who had mentored me when I was younger rounded up the Alumni chapter and wired me the money that night. They didn't have to do it, but I guess because of the love and support of the sisterhood, it was no big deal. I appreciated the monetary gesture and would forever be grateful. If it weren't for them, there would be no BGP for me.
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It was fall in Arkansas, and the temperature the next morning was dropping, particularly in the wee hours. I was hesitant to pull into the abandoned parking lot to give my money to the chapter, but then I saw some bright lights flash at me. I guessed it was some sort of sign that it was cool for me to park. But after all that had happened to me in the beginning of the school year, I just wasn't sure. I opened my glove compartment and put the mace in my pocket, grabbed my cell phone, and kept it in my hand, ready to dial 911 in the event of any kind of emergency. Then Torian came out of the darkness, and even with the serious look plastered on her face, I felt more at ease.
“Do you have the money?” she asked snottily. I started to say something sassy, but I knew this was a part of the pledging process. However, when she sassed up to me with her head swinging and her mouth poked out, I knew we weren't there for congratulatory remarks.
“Even though you said a few cool things at our rush, know this, little sistah, I did not vote for you. So know there is
no
love between us,” Torian said as she held her hand out, waiting for me to place the envelope in it.
Not needing her to emphasize anything with me, I said, “Sure, Torian.”
“No, no, you address me as Big Sister Torian Handle That, okay?”
“I'm sorry, Big Sister Torian Handle That.”
“Much better. And also, let's be clear. Al Dutch and I go out. So you and he can never be caught together again. I know he likes many girls, but I'll make him see I'm the one. And until he does, I don't want my little pledgee getting in the way of my happiness.”
She was trying to explain how she had changed her mind about Al Dutch, but I couldn't hear anything but that fool's name. I wanted to scream out,
“Run as far away from him as you possibly can. Trust me, he's no good. Your first instinct was right.”
But she mistook the perplexed glare I gave her to be one of jealousy.
“You don't have a choice. I'm your Big Sister here, so you do what I say. He's going to be my man, and you're going to leave him alone.”
“May I speak, Big Sister Torian Handle That?” I said to her. “Here's my money. And I don't want you to take this the wrong way or anything, but you're way too good for Al Dutch.”
Thinking back to the pain that chump had put me through, my chest started rising, and it was hard for me to breathe. Clearly, she could tell something was wrong and that I was uncomfortable.
She touched my back and said, “Are you okay?”
“Just thinking about my time with him. I'm not okay. Just don't.”
“What happened?” Torian questioned. “I don't understand.”
“Just don't... .” I hung my head because I could say no more. She dismissed me, and I got back in my car and drove away, hoping she had gotten the message. However, I could not stress out like that again. She was a big girl, and she was warned.
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Forty of us had made line, the largest line in the past ten years for the Alpha chapter. I knew it was hard to get along with one black female, but being connected to thirty-nine of them was going to be much more drama. Sam didn't even ask me if it was okay with me to hold a meeting at our placeâshe just volunteered us. She started tidying up and making popcorn, and, like clockwork, they all showed up at seven PM on the dot.
Cheryl, Sam's crazy friend, was there. She was an okay-looking girlâabout 5'6” with shoulder-length jet-black hair, and I noticed she had a cute smile, despite her yellow teeth. Her beauty was average, but she had really hard angles, like she was in the army or something. I confirmed my thoughts when her smile quickly changed to a tight pout and she opened her mouth to speak.
“We don't want to be paper, you guys. We want to do this thing right. All we got to do is get in the car and be with the other lines getting hazed. I heard that they are hazing a line at a school an hour away. We can go and meet up with them. If you got a test to study for, bring your materials with you. We need to be as well rounded as we can. Some of our Big Sisters may be there.”
“Man, we need to hurry up!” another one of Sam's friends shouted out.
“That's really what the meeting is about. It's time for us to come together so we can be as one,” Cheryl sort of demanded, motioning toward the door. “Y'all ready? Let's be out!”
Sam didn't seem to be surprised by any of this, but it was all new to me. Somebody was telling me we needed to come together and go let somebody bash our brains in, all so we wouldn't be paper? I wasn't going nowhere.
“Says who?” I yelled out.
I looked around. About half the crew had smiles on their faces, slapping each other high fives, ready to mobilize in cars and go join in other underground lines. Isha came over to me and tugged me.
“Can I speak to you for a second?” Isha said. We stepped into my bedroom. “Are you okay with this?” she asked before I could even ask her what was up.
Clearly, she could tell that I was not happy. “I mean, we just can't let them decide we're going to do something that could jeopardize all of us getting our letters. We signed a slip of paper saying we wouldn't be hazed at all. I don't know about you, Isha, but my word is my word.”
She leaned in and said, “I don't want to do it.”
Instantly, I was confused. “If you don't want to do it, why don't you just tell them you don't want to go out like that?”
“Come on, Cassidy, be real. They already think I'm the little Christian girl. I roll by myself all the time. That's one of the joys in wanting to be in a sororityâso I could feel important, think I had it going on. Deep down inside I don't want to be ostracized, and I could tell on some of the faces of other girls in there that everybody wasn't for it. We just need somebody who can stand up to Cheryl to say we're not doing this because our line can't be divided. Will you speak for us?”
Understanding her pleas, I nodded. I stepped out into the hall and saw Sam grabbing her purse.
“Wait a minute. We haven't finished talking about all this,” I said loudly.
“We don't have a lot of time to talk about anything. We got to get in the cars and go. How many people are driving? We need to take as few vehicles as possible,” Cheryl said, talking over me as if I didn't matter and as if what only she had to say counted.
I nudged my roommate. “Sam, you might want to check your girl. I just said we're not through talking.”
“All right, well, calm down, Cassidy,” Sam said, standing between the two of us.
“All right, you got everybody's attention. We'll be late and get in trouble with the Big Sisters down there, but what do you have to say? Cassidy, we know if they ask us any history to throw you out there because you know everything. What else you want to say?” Cheryl rudely asked.
“We haven't voted on going. I'm not for this little-go-get-hazed-by-some-sorors-who-aren't-even-in-school-at- Western -Smith bull.”
“Wait, what are you saying?” Sam said to me. “You don't want to be legitimate?”
I said, “I don't know how many of you guys are for it, but everybody needs to really think about the repercussions of us stepping out there and somebody getting hurt, us getting caught, or who knows whatever else.”
Isha yelled out, “We could go to jail!”
“We could get thrown out of school,” said somebody else who was on our side.
“Oh, what, so half of y'all don't want to go?” Cheryl said. “Sam, you need to check your roommate. All those who are ready, let's roll out.”
Sam turned and walked toward the door. I grabbed her arm. She needed to rethink following a nut because she was on her way to getting cracked. I pleaded, “Don't do this.”