Dr. Garnes had to be excused for a second when she was paged from work, and as soon as she left, Torian stood to her feet, got very indignant, and shouted, “I want her out. Dr. Garnes needs to be voted down as our adviser.”
Loni stood next to her and said, “I know we're out of order, but we don't have much time before she brings herself back up in here. I want her out, too.”
“Okay, well, because you know you're out of order,” Malloy said, hitting the wooden gavel in her hand, “sit down.”
The room burst with conversation. Everyone had to voice their opinion at that time. It was mayhem. Malloy banged the gavel louder.
Torian walked to the front of the room and snatched the object out of Malloy's hand. “Malloy, you might have the power, but this is our entire chapter. We talked to some of the new sorors, and they're behind us on this. We get to choose who our adviser is. Dr. Garnes is too uppity and old-fashioned to really be able to relate to all we have going on.”
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Dr. Garnes had basically saved my life, helped turn me around, and kept our line intact. How could Torian want to oust her? Even more incomprehensible, how could my line sisters want her to go?
Malloy stood and held out her hand for the gavel. Torian looked like she wasn't gonna give it back. Alyx got up and eyed Torian hard. Finally, Torian handed it back to Malloy.
Torian vented, “Handle it then.”
Malloy hit the gavel again to settle us down, and once we were quiet, she said, “We can't discuss this now. There is no formal motion on the floor.”
Loni stood to her feet and said, “Fine, then I move that we ask Dr. Garnes to step down as our adviser.”
“I second that motion,” Torian said with her neck and eyes moving all crazy.
I had a lump in my throat. I felt sick all over. Why was this happening?
Malloy then said, “Is there any discussion?”
Quickly, I raised my hand. So did a lot of other people, but I wasn't called on. I was about to explode.
Malloy said, “The chair recognizes Isha.”
Sensing she was outnumbered, Isha shyly said, “Don't you guys forget that she was the one who allowed our line to continue.”
“Yeah!” Torian said sarcastically. “She did her job with the pledges. Now that we have a bigger chapter, we need a more progressive-thinking adviser, not a narrow-minded one. She's got to go!”
The parliamentarian at the back of the room, who'd been nonexistent up until that point, turned the lights off and on, and more noise erupted. “Madam President, I call for the question.”
I wasn't up on parliamentarian procedures, but I knew that meant no one else was to talk and that it was time to take a vote. There were thirty-seven of us and eleven of them, so that meant forty-eight of us in the room. When the vote was cast, forty of them wanted her out. My heart sank. Sam was sitting beside me. She held my hand. She knew Dr. Garnes loved us and cared for us in ways that would be hard to replace.
When Dr. Garnes came back in the room, Malloy gave her the bad news. I didn't know how she was going to reactâshe'd served, and these chicks were ungrateful. But like the classy lady she was, she held her head high and didn't break down.
With a bit of emotion in her voice, she said, “It's been great serving you guys, and I understand if we're not a good match, that's fine. I've enjoyed my time with you. I pray that you all find the leader you want. I think all of you, and I do mean
all
of you, are great.”
9
PISSED
A
s Dr. Garnes walked out of our chapter meeting room, steam was shooting out of my ears. I was so angry and disappointed in my sisters, knowing that they would kick Dr. Garnes to the curb. Our overwhelming majority vote quickly made me question if I even wanted to be a part of such thoughtlessness. What were they saying? If things didn't go their way, if they didn't like what was happeningâeven if what was happening was rightâthey would fight it? Just remove the situation from memory and not deal with the truth?
Torian and Loni and some of those other Betas had been wrong in coming to haze us. Though no one had been physically harmed, they had violated the no-hazing policy. And Dr. Garnes really could have had them suspended for good, yet she'd given them a pass and just told them to stay away from us until we crossed. I could have kicked myself for not seeing that there was something up. I mean, though we were a tight line, the last few days had been tough, and as I thought back further, I knew my sisters had been trying to figure out a way to get back into all of the Big Sisters' good graces. Instead of distancing myself from the drama, I should have stayed close to it to let them know they didn't need to cave like that.
With a little more arguing going on in the line, people were becoming antsy, not really believing we were going to cross and thinking Dr. Garnes would change her mind and expose us all. Because she hadn't, you would have thought they would have been loyal to her. Yet Torian had gotten to them, and the first chance they'd got at the first official meeting, they had cast the first vote, and she was out of there. After the vote, they had kept on going with the meeting as if nothing bad had happened; they hadn't even realized they were out of order because they technically couldn't conduct a meeting without an adviser present.
However, I couldn't just keep going on as if nothing had happened. You would have thought they were celebrating someone's birthday, but to me this was more like someone's funeral. I got so worked up I kicked my chair.
Sam tugged at my arm. “We got outvoted. We tried. There is nothing else we can do, Cass. We're supposed to go along with the majority.”
I knew that's what we had learned when we were pledging, that you might not always win a chapter vote but you were supposed to support the chapter's decision. But to me, that was as severe as if the chapter had voted to rob a bankâbecause we said we'd do it, would I go along with something criminal? I tugged my arm away from my girl and dashed out the door.
Frantically searching and then finding our ex-adviser, I said, “Dr. Garnes, wait up, please! I want to talk to you. I'm so sorry this happened. Those girls are jerks.”
“Cassidy, I'm fine, sweetheart. However, you need to go tell your sisters they can't have a meeting without an adviser present. But something tells me at this point they don't care. I do want you to keep doing what's right, though. You don't have to worry about you being seen with me.”
“I'm fine.” This wasn't right, and I was not going for it. Something had to be done.
A plan came to mind. “You should fight this. We should fight this. They can't just get rid of you without going through the Regional Coordinator, right? Plus, they can't oust the adviser right in the middle of the semester.”
“Wow, I'm surprised you've been reading the chapter manual handbook. They're not able to, but sometimes you know when you're tired and you know when you don't even want to prolong something that's not working. I came onto this position because I care about this chapter and you young ladies. I do have high standards for our sorority, as we all should, but I'm not gonna let collegiates take the short road. I am also not going to stay and try to input my wisdom into knucklehead, hardheaded, fast-behind girls. Sometimes you have to lose something before you really appreciate how good you had it, and sometimes you're not the only one who can make a difference. And I'm begining to realize, the chapter and I may need to part from each other, Cassidy.”
Wow!
Dr. Garnes really wanted what was best for Alpha chapter and not what felt good for herself. To me it seemed humiliating, and yet she didn't take it that way at all. She was saying she wished us all well and she'd be praying for us. We talked a few more moments about my disappointment.
“I just want to make sure you're okay,” Dr. Garnes said. “You have a lot you're dealing with and not dealing with, and though I am not going to be your adviser, you know you always have an open door to talk to me any time you need.”
She gave me a big hug. I didn't want this to end. I wanted her to see my side and get ready to fight my bullheaded chapter sorors. I knew what was best for our chapterâshe was. Unfortunately, she wanted to let it go; the chapter sorors had let
her
go. I neither agreed with, nor could do anything about, either decision. As she walked away to her car, I knew we had let a good one slip away, and I was angry.
Â
It was finally Christmastime. And as hard as the semester had been, I had managed pledging, a tough schedule, and all the emotional ups and downs. However, I was so happy to get a break and go home. I still hated a lot about my upbringing. I hated that I was from a poor family, I hated that Christmas had always been modest when I was growing up, and I hated that though we didn't have much, my mom allowed her sister and brother to mooch off us.
My aunt Sally was five years older than me and had never had a jobâhad never even finished high schoolâand my mom thought it was okay to allow her to find her way on our time. She'd help Sally get new clothes and other stuff, and it bothered me because it actually took away from my own food and clothes. My mom felt like she had to be Sally's mom because their mother had died when Sally was two. My uncle Bill had done well in high school sports. He'd had colleges scouting him from all over the southeast for baseball. However, his grades had been so horrible he couldn't pass the graduation test to sustain any offer. When he'd become a senior and didn't graduate and watched his dreams go by the wayside, he'd turned angry.
My last few years of high school, Bill had been playing ball in some minor league. He should have been sending money back to my mom, but she'd said he was blowing it on alcohol and drugs. Now that no one wanted him to play anymore, due to a busted knee, he was back at her house doing nothing.
When I walked into my mom's house, I could have thrown up. The whole place smelled like smoke. When my mom asked me if I wanted to go with her to the grocery store, I jumped at the chance. You would have thought they would have had the place clean and stocked with groceries for my homecoming. Not!
As soon as we were in the car alone together, I said, “Mom, I don't understand why you put up with the two of them wasting their lives away and milking you for all you've got. Those are grown folks living off their big sister. They are not kids anymore. Kick them out, shoot.”
“You don't understand, Cassidy. We've had it hard. Family sticks together. That's the one thing I remember my mom instilling in me so much. When you graduate from college and get that good job, I'm going to hope you'll ...”
Okay, I couldn't even listen to anything else she was saying at that point. I rolled my eyes and became tense at the idea that I would become my family's breadwinner. I was supposed to go to college and then help take care of all three of them? She was really tripping, worse than a person locked in the crazy house.
“Why are you rolling your eyes?” she said as we got to the grocery store and walked inside, grabbing a cart. “I hope you haven't lost your mind thinking you better than people and stuff. I meant what I said. You supposed to help us.”
“No, Mom, I don't think I'm better than anybody. I just work hard for what I have. I don't mind helping people who help themselves, but I'm not going to do all the work and then sit there and let somebody betray me by not even trying in their own life. I mean, that's just crazy. They are scheming you.”
“Watch your mouth. Watch how you talk to me. I've given the three of you the shirt off my back. I don't deserve no sass talk.”
“That's fine, Mom. I apologize. I know they're your brother and sister and you love your family,” I said.
Then I explained that I actually hated that I had even come home because I didn't want to have a confrontation with her. It seemed she wasn't trying to listen to anything I had to say, so I just stopped trying. We were at the same impasse we'd been for most of my life.
When we got back to her place, I could not believe her sister was going through my stuff and actually had on one of my outfits. We were family, so what was the issue, right? Well, how about she was a size twenty, and I was a size eight!
Yanking my dress out of her hands before she could pull it apart to get in it, I said, “I can't believe you got your hands in all my stuff! Why are you wearing my clothes? You ain't even ask nobody. You're stretching it! You're going to pay me back for this.”
“Chill out,” she said, pushing me back against the wall and taking the purple silk outfit from me.
“Don't tell me to chill out!” I lunged toward her to try to grab my garment back.
The next thing I knew, my uncle was grabbing my waist and pulling me to him, whispering, “Aw, Cassidy, you know you need to calm down and chill out. We're family. We share everything. Relax.”
When he said that and wouldn't let me go, it struck a cord that pierced my soul. His yucky hands were sliding around on me, and that gesture was too eerie and familiar. I felt helpless, like a child needing someone to rescue me from harm, but no one would. What was this about?
Oh, my gosh.
The past I'd blocked out suddenly dawned on me as his voice kept talking in my ear. I could see his body on top of me. I could hear that same voice telling me to relax and calm down and enjoy it. He was the one who had violated me so young.
I just started pounding on his chest and screaming, “I hate you! You raped me! I was little. How could you do that!”
He immediately let me go. He didn't move, and I didn't either. This was more than I needed to remember.
Shaking, Sally came over to us and said, “What? What are you talking about?”
“I can't believe this! I have been thinking all this time that I was crazy. The nightmaresâI couldn't put them together. I couldn't understand. I guess I blocked them out because the uncle who should have protected me like a brother took advantage of me.”
I kicked him and hit him and punched him in his chest, and he didn't fight back. He didn't deny it. He didn't tell me to calm down or say, “Cassidy, no, it wasn't me.” He just dropped to the floor.
“What in the world is going on in here?” my mom screamed.
Tears were streaming down my face. Everything I had been going throughâso promiscuous, always thinking sex was the answer, needing to feel lovedâstemmed from him taking advantage of me as a child. I wanted him to pay. I wanted him to burn. I wanted him to feel as horrible as I had felt for years. I certainly wasn't going to protect him for my mom, who thought he was perfect.
I shouted at the top of my lungs,
“Your precious brother raped me years ago!”
“No,” my mom said as she backed out of my room. “No, no. Bill would never do that. He had girls coming out of the woodwork. I had to keep them off him. He would never ruin my child, his niece. Tell her, Bill. Tell her!”
Sally rushed over to me, looked me in the eye, and saw that there was no way I could be lying. She went to her brother and slapped him hard. “Was misusing me not enough?”
My mom screamed out, “What?”
I wiped my tears and thought,
What?
Had Sally been through my same tormented ordeal? Did she now have an excuse for never amounting to muchâbecause her own brother had taken her innocence? Bill needed to be behind bars somewhere.
“Yeah, why you think I'm so messed up?” Sally said as she went over to her sister. “Life has been hard because my brother misused me. I never knew he was doing the same to your little girl.”
“How could you, Bill?” my mom said sadly, clearly letting us know this was the worst news of her life. “I can't believe you'd do this to me. I've given you everything I had. I took you in. I cared for you when no one else would, and you do this to my daughter? You misused my trust? Get out of here!”
She yelled more cuss words than I knew existed as she charged up to him, but he didn't move. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. It took everything Sally and I had to hold her back. But, fighting us off, she got loose and went for him.