I screamed, “Why are you messing with me? You took everything I had, and then you blamed me for your actions. You made me feel like nothing, and now you stand here, on a horrible night for my chapter, wanting to make me feel worse. Go to the hospital and see about Meagan. Leave me alone!”
As soon as I turned to the left, he stepped in front of me. I had to do a double take for a second because it looked like he had water in his eyes. I knew Meagan looked bad; I'd seen her myself. There had been lots of blood, and her eyes had been swollen; she wasn't pretty. I thought he would just brush it off and leave her for somebody else, but yet he stood there, emotional and crying. I mean, was there something about their relationship I didn't know? Had she had a reason to go off on all us womenâGinger, Cheryl, meâbecause she and Al had something serious? And then reality hit. Why would I care about his tears? The police had said she was okay, so her life wasn't going to end. So what if he loved her? He had taken something from me, so he could go rot.
“Don't you get it? I really need to talk to you,” he said, pulling on my shirt.
“Okay. Say what you gotta say right here,” I said, moving away from his grip and standing near Alyx.
He leaned in and said, “No, this is serious. I need to speak with you alone. It's about my health.”
Okay, now I was extra confused. His health? Why would he need to talk to me about his health? Other than the water in his eyes, he looked practically fine. He wasn't the one with the swollen face and blood gushing everywhere. Then it dawned on me; he probably had a disease, and he needed to talk to me about it. No!
I turned around and motioned for him to follow me. I didn't know where I was walking, and I didn't wanna be alone with him, but this was private, and I needed to be able to hear everything he had to say. There was still so much commotion going on at the dance. My chapter sorors were blaming each other, and everybody was encouraging the deejay to crank the party back up. We walked to the hallway for quiet space.
I turned and faced him, ready to hear what he had to say. Was it gonorrhea, herpes, syphilis, or what? He stood there like a lump of meat and said nothing. I just waited. I knew for a guy with an enormous ego, it would be difficult admitting his problem.
He finally looked away and blurted out, “I'm HIV positive. I don't know how long I've had it, so you might wanna go get yourself tested. Legally, I'm bound to tell you.”
I was suddenly pounding his chest over and over, and he just sat there and took it. And now everything was making sense. Meagan had accused us of ruining things with Al Dutch. Had he told her? Did she know? Cheryl had become a zombie and lost itâdid she know? And Ginger was nowhere to be found, and she never missed a party. Did she know?
Al Dutch finally left me there feeling hopeless again. I felt so empty. Was I HIV positive, too? Or, even worse, did I have full-blown AIDS coming my way? And if so, would my life be pointless?
13
BEND
I
felt like a crowbar bent by a Sasquatch. Not broken, but definitely damaged. This was some of the worst news I had ever heard in my life. As much as I wanted Al Dutch to suffer for what he had put me through, I wouldn't have wished this on him, and I certainly didn't deserve it. I couldn't just wallow in my state of doom, so I picked myself up, wiped the tears from my weakened eyes, and began to search for Cheryl in the gym. I needed answers.
Isha tried to talk to me, but I pushed her right outta my way. I wasn't trying to be rude or hurt her feelings, but she wasn't who I was looking for. I needed to find someone who could relate to me at this very moment. I needed to find the person who could understand the weight of the world I was carrying on my shoulders.
When I reached the parking lot and searched for Cheryl's car, I realized I was outta luck. Sorors were coming up to me, asking what was wrong. I thought I was acting sane, but I guess my actions were a little sporadic. I was all over the place, and I could not find Cheryl anywhere I looked on campus.
Then the sky cracked open, and it started pouring down rain. As my tears also covered my face, I looked up to the sky, not caring if the lightning struck me or not. I was practically at death's door, so what did it matter anyway?
With a heart heavier than a zoo's largest elephant, I said, “Lord, this is too much for me to bear. HIV? Not me.”
Trying to think where Cheryl could be, I got in my car and drove over to her apartment. I thought I knew the way, but I was sketchy on the directions. Cheryl was always so apprehensive about inviting us over. Shoot, I knew I didn't have much, but she always acted as though she didn't even have a bed to sleep on or something.
Sure enough, her beat-up-yet-still-running automobile was in front of the apartment. I got out of the car to bang on her door. Knock after knock, I got no answer, but I refused to leave.
“Cheryl, it's me, Cassidy. Please open up. I need to speak to you. It's urgent. It's not about the police. Let me in for just a second. I don't care about the place, Cheryl. This is important. If you care about me at all, open up,” I pleaded, tired of beating on her door.
Finally, she answered. The hard, strong girl I was used to compared not one bit to the stranger who stood before me. Cheryl was trembling profusely. Her eyes looked like the eyes of someone who had been beaten rather than someone who had beat on someone.
“This isn't a good time, Cassidy,” she said, looking at the ground. “Please leave me alone. Go.”
When she tried to shut the door, I forced my way inside. Cheryl did not look happy, but, honestly, this was not a happy moment. She and I were in the same boat, sinking fast. We needed two minds to find a way to stay afloat.
“Al Dutch raped me at the beginning of the year,” I told her. “He stopped me tonight and told me what was going on with him.”
“You knew he was an animal, and you let me go out with him!” she screamed.
Not wanting to be attacked, I yelled back, “You and I weren't even tight then. And I didn't know how to talk to you about what I had gone through. Plus, you seemed so into Al Dutch. You never would have believed me, because you wanted to be with him. Besides, mentally, the incident tore me up. That's why I shut down earlier this year. That's why I had a breakdown. That's why I understand why you went off on Meagan tonight. Getting life-altering information dropped on you out of nowhere is a lot. We can all respond in so many different ways. I'm scared, Cheryl, and I just came by here to tell you thatâ”
“Tell me what, huh? That you're here for me? We're in the same boat now. A boat I could've been out of if you would've shared what kind of monster he was, but yet you just allowed me to continue seeing him. We both might be done, thanks to that fool. And though I'm so sorry about everything that happened with Meagan tonight, I just need you to leave, Cassidy. Some things you just can't fix. My aunt has AIDS, and if that's what we got headed toward us, that's a windy cycle of turmoil we can never get out of. And to know you could have prevented all this for me, but you didn't, makes me hate you as much as I hate Al Dutch.”
As I stood on the other side of her closed door, I just felt worse. My stomach was all twisted up in knots. Question was, could I become untangled?
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“Will you please talk to me and tell me what's going on?” Sam said to me when I got back to the apartment early in the morning. “I didn't know where you or Cheryl were, and I need some answers, Cass.”
I couldn't have told her where I had been; I had no clue. After my tongue lashing from Cheryl, I had just driven around hoping, wishing, and praying that all that had gone on in the last eight hours was made up. A fairy tale. A dream waiting for me to wake up. But when I walked in the front door to see Sam standing there worried, I knew that wasn't the case. This was real, and I had to deal with it. Truth was, did I know how?
When I didn't respond, she started crying. “You can't break down again. You can't do this to me. I feel like I'm going crazy, unable to help you, unable to make it better. I can't get Cheryl to return my calls, and now you're acting weird. Isha and I have been praying you'd walk through the door. I asked her to come over because I was worried.”
“Where is she?” I asked.
Sam pointed to my door. “She's asleep in your bedroom.”
“No, I'm awake. I hear you guys talking,” Isha called out from my room.
“She hasn't said anything,” Sam said. “Come out here and help me get some answers. Shoot, Isha, I'm tired, too, but we need to know what's going on.”
I realized I had sent my two girls into worry. But by telling them everything, wouldn't it be worse? Isha came to the door and rubbed Sam's back. They were united, ready to get me to open up. Looking deep into their concerned eyes, I knew that telling them would make it better. Sam would be there to rationalize all this. Isha would be there to give me a spiritual perspective.
I took both of their hands and said, “This is heavy, y'all, okay, and I need you to be strong for me.” They nodded, so I continued. “There's a reason they tell girls not to sleep around with men.”
“Are you pregnant?” Sam asked.
“You're dating a pastor. What do you mean âsleep around'?” Isha said.
“Wait a minute. What pastor?” Sam said, seemingly irritated that I hadn't told her about my new beau.
“No, guys. Listen, this is before Konner, okay? Sam, I'm not pregnant, even though that would be better than the news I'm about to share.”
“So then what are you talking about?” Isha asked.
Sam looked nervous. She knew this had something to do with the rape. More tears strolled down her face. This was hard. I was hurting for me, and now I knew my girls were gonna be crushed hearing this.
I took a deep breath and said, “Isha, I never really told you what drew me to the church and why I connected with the sermon the first night you took me to your youth service. But a similar experience happened to me. I was raped by a student on campus.”
“It was that crazy Al Dutch,” Sam said with fire in her eyes.
“Did you report it? Why is he still walking around like he is the big, bad wolf on campus? I remember he wanted to talk to you tonight. What did he want?” Isha questioned.
“He told me he has HIV.”
“Oh, my gosh. No, Cass, no. Wait, he's been with Cheryl, too,” Sam said as I nodded.
We all stood there in silence, but we didn't need any words. The fact that they didn't leave me, stayed by my side, and continued holding my hands let me know I had the extra strength I needed to make it through.
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Later that night I was resting. Well, I was trying to anyway. It was actually hard to sleep. I was sort of lying there looking out of my apartment window.
I looked up at the sky and asked, “Lord, do You care about me? Did I find You too late? Am I a lost cause? Can I be fixed? Will You help me?”
There were so many unanswered questions. I felt like I couldn't hear God speak at all. There was no way I could be mad at Him when I was the one who had been promiscuous.
A knock at my door interrupted my thoughts. I had appreciated Sam and Isha's help, but this was my battle. I had told them earlier that I was fine. I had gotten myself into this, and I would get myself out, even if “out” meant I would soon be dead. We all had to go that road eventually. I just wished I could do it over or tell other young girls my story so they wouldn't end up scared like me.
The knock came again. I just wanted to scream out to them to give me some time alone. I figured if I didn't answer the knocks, the person would go away. I figured wrong.
“Come in,” I called out to the door after the third tap. When I looked up it was Konner Black looking so handsome and regal in jeans and a sweater. I was so used to seeing him decked out in suits that seeing him dressed all casual and cool made my heart skip a beat.
He said, “Look, I just like being honest with people. Now, I know you weren't expecting me, but I did call your cell. You didn't pick up.”
“It's off somewhere. Now is not a goodâ” He put his fingers to my lips.
“Shhh!” he said. “I know you wanna be alone, but I got word from Isha that you may need my shoulder.”
“What did she tell you?” I asked uneasily.
“She just said you need a friend. You might need someone to pray with you. I know when we left last time it wasn't on the best of terms, but like I told you then, I'm fond of you, and I meant that. If you need me, I wanna be here.”
Was this guy a sign telling me the Lord did care? Was Konner the boost of help I needed to brighten my day? There was no way I could tell him, and I hoped Isha hadn't. I'd be too embarrassed.
I walked over to my window. I couldn't hold back the emotion. Konner came over and placed his arm around my waist. He was so comforting as he just held me and allowed me to cry in his arms.
He kissed me on the cheek and asked, “Do you wanna talk about it?”
I realized that if I did open up, we would never be a couple. But I didn't want to do to him what Al Dutch had done to me. I mean, Al had been with me under false pretenses; some girl had probably already told him she was HIV positiveâor some guy, knowing his wild behind. He had probably thought he was resilient to the disease, and it would just bounce off his back, like he had never come in contact. Now he had put me and who knows how many others at risk.
Yet there I stood in the arms of a gentleman who cared deeply for meâso much so that he wanted to save a special part of himself for me until God said it was right. To make sure I was never tempted again. The idea of me being HIV positive and the possibility of me giving it to Konner made me jerk out his arms.
“What's wrong with you? Just talk to me. I promise we can work it out. I'm not gonna judge you, Cassidy,” Konner said. “Isha told me nothing.”
Very upset, I shouted, “Earlier in the year I was raped by some creep, okay?”
He said, “Well, we can deal with that. Did you know who it was? Have you reported it? We can get through this.”
“No, we can't. He just told me tonight that he's HIV positive!” I yelled and just lost control.
He didn't leave. He held me close and said, “Listen. Cassidy, it's okay. This is bad news, but I'm not going to allow you to be broken. You can cry and get it out, whatever you want. We're gonna work through this. Cassidy, you're too strong to break. God brought you this far down this dark, curvy road. Things will straighten out. He won't leave you here in the bend.”