Also I had decided to be a drum major again. Though I enjoyed the dance team, conducting with the whole band was my skill. Working with different sections of the band and helping them get better was my strengthâand the band director agreed. Plus, I knew it was Ginger's time to lead the dance team. Hopefully, this would inspire us to stay upbeat and come back to school.
But even with all that going right, I still missed Konner Black. I'd wake up in the morning, and when I'd see my toothbrush, I'd think of his perfect smile. When I went to bed at night, I'd look at my Bible and have a vision of him preaching in a pulpit, looking so good. When I was in school and going through my assignments, I would think about him studying God's word, looking adorable as he gave God first place in his life. In so many ways, I missed him. I'd left so many messages, but it'd been a few weeks since my last one.
So I went to the youth service, and after it was over and he was at his car, I walked up to him and said, “I know I pushed you away, and ever since that day you walked out of my life, I've regretted being such a fool. You haven't called me back, so I know that means you could care less about being with me anymore, and I'd be lying on church grounds if I said all I want is for us to be friends. I want more than that. Konner, I miss you.”
“You don't miss me,” he said, finally confirming what I knewâthat it wasn't going to be easy to get him back in my life. “We didn't even really hang out that much, so it can't be that much to miss. I mean, what relationship did we really have? You shot us down before we got started.”
He started fidgeting with his car door. I walked over to him and touched his hand. When he turned and looked at me, I knew I had to tell him all I felt inside.
So I touched his face and said, “It's like how I felt accepting Christ into my heart. It didn't take a lot of time. It was just an instant feeling that changed me. And being with you is something that I wantâno, that I need in my life. And if I'm wrong, if there isn't a genuine true concern for me on your part, I'll leave you alone. But I know you care. You've showed it and revealed it too much for it not to be true. Though I've wounded you by not accepting your heart, I'm asking for grace. I'm asking for you to give me a chance to love you back.”
He looked over at me and said nothing. His eyes were squinted, so I knew he was aggravated with me. I took that as a sign that maybe I had pushed him to a point where he could not forgive me, ever, so I turned and slowly walked away.
He grabbed my hand and then put his hands around my waist and said, “If God can see us from up above, I'd be lying to tell you that I don't care about you, that I don't think about you, that I don't want us to be together.”
“I'm not perfect, Konner,” I said, tears welling up in my eyes.
Gently stroking my face, he said, “I'm not perfect either.”
“I did have the test. For now, I'm okay, but I don't know if I'm going to be okay, really. I got to go back and get tested again in a few months,” I said, letting him fully understand all that came with dealing with me.
“And as I told you before, if you have something, we'll go through it together. I want to be in a relationship with you. I'm not your sorority sister or your mom, so in no way are we family, but in my heart we've got a bond,” he said as he touched his chest. “I prayed you'd come back to me.”
Thinking I may end up hurting him, I said, “You could have so many other womenâso many who are good, kind, and pure.”
“Like I said, your coming here tonight is the answer to my prayer. I don't know how things will work outâI mean, we're just starting this thing again. But this is something I want. For a second chance, I'm grateful.”
18
PURE
“I
can't believe we're actually going through with this. I mean, whose idea was it to have a Bible study?” Torian said as our sorors filed into our chapter room.
Yeah, we were having a Bible study, and I had called it. Malloy had charged me and my line sisters with coming up with new programs, things that would have a purpose and make a difference. We had been through so much turmoil ever since we had crossed. We really hadn't focused on anything meaningful. But I no longer wanted to be just a member of Beta Gamma Pi. I wanted to make a difference, add to its value of work, and contribute. I wanted to work, and our biggest problem right now was that we were still divided; we wanted different things. I knew the only way we could agree was to follow in God's grace.
I just kept overhearing Torian in the corner talking smack. She was being so condescending it was working my last nerve. She needed to quit being negative.
I went over to her and said, “Can I see you out in the hall for a second?”
“This is supposed to start at two; it is one fifty-one. We don't have time to go out into the hall. You called this Bible study together, so you need to hurry and get started,” Torian responded as she flung her head away from me.
“Can I see you out in the hall for a second?” I repeated with my nostrils flared. She followed me out of the room.
“What's going on? What do you want now?” she asked.
“I'm just going to cut to the chase,” I said.
“All right, I'm listening.”
“Why are you speaking your mind and being so pessimistic?”
“I can say what I wanna say!” she said sharply to me.
I took a deep breath because I realized I had the wrong approach. In order for her to hear what I truly had to say, I couldn't be so offensive or stoop to her level. So, not being phony or fake, I found the words to get her to listen. Touching her shoulder, I said, “Torian, you are a leader.”
“I know that. What else do you have to say?” she said in a softer tone.
“Whatever you're thinking or feeling, you put it out there for the sorors, and they take it in. They take it to heart. They wanna take the action you want them to take.”
“Yeah, you're right,” she said, cocky and confident.
“And all I'm asking is for you to give this whole Bible-study thing a try. Our sorority was founded on Christian beliefs and values. Right now we're going through a lot of drama, and we need God. We all need to do better. You asked for my help with the adviser and I was there. Now I'm asking for your help to not shoot this down before we even give it a try.”
“People don't listen to me like that,” she said, trying to downplay what I was asking her to do.
“Yes, they do. And I just think if we listen to God's Word, it will help us. Miracles will happen, and He will show us the way. I'm not trying to sound all spiritual and everything,” I said to her because she was looking at me like
What is wrong with you?
“But I believe that from the bottom of my heart.”
“All right, I appreciate you coming to me. You're honest. I can back off and not put roadblocks on your route to God's grace. Come on,” Torian said as she tugged me back in the room.
The vibe in the room had changedâTorian's opinion was contagious. People were downplaying the idea of Bible study to each other. Some of the folks who were down for itâlike Malloy, Alyx, and Samâcame running up to me saying maybe this wasn't a good idea.
Torian surprised me by saying, “All right, everybody, hush up! I was wrong at first for going against this Bible-study thing, but we need this. Cassidy, go ahead and lead us, girl.”
I couldn't argue with her at all. Everyone shut up and pulled out her Bible or shared someone else's. Hoping I'd make a difference, I began.
“I chose a scripture from Proverbs chapter twenty-three, verse seven. We are such strong-willed women. The Word says,
As a man thinketh, so is He.
If we want our chapter to be saved, we must figure out a way to still stay loyal to Cheryl. We should think about how to do the right things and what Jesus would do. As Philippians chapter four, verse eight says,
Whatever is just, whatever is pure, and whatever is lovely
â
think on these things
. If we get rid of the negative thoughts about each other, about our circumstances, about what we can't do, and focus on the good, we will see better results.”
They stood and gave me a round of applause. Isha came over and closed us out with a prayer. God was at work when we stopped and gave Him reverence.
Â
Unfortunately, as soon as the prayer was over, we did have to deal with the reality of what we were going to tell the school. Our adviser was in the room. We asked her for advice on how we should go about doing so, and she didn't say anything. She wanted us to try to work it out. She had learned that dictating, telling us what we should and should not do, versus allowing us to get to the best decision on our own, was not the best action when it came to leading a group of college-educated women.
Torian stood and said, “I love each of you guys, but if I did something wrong, my love is so real that I wouldn't let you take the fall for it.”
She got a lot of “Amens” and “I know that's right” from the crowd.
Then Loni stood and said, “I hear what you're saying, girl, but if we don't protect each other, do we really have a sorority? We're supposed to be our sisters' keeper, and if we sell Cheryl down the river, we're out for ourselves and not Alpha chapter. I just think there's gotta be another way. If Cheryl's not willing to come forward, we have to protect her. Isn't that what honor is all about?”
Some sorors agreed with her viewpoint as well. What were we going to do? Like a math division problem with a horrendous remainder, we weren't dividing evenly.
Then all of a sudden Cheryl appeared from the back of the room. “But I
am
willing to come forward, and like Torian said, I have a responsibility not to just feel love for you guys but to love you back and do what's right. You shouldn't have to be separated, trying to figure out this whole situation with me. I plan to leave this meeting and go with you guys to meet with President Webb.”
“You can't do that.” Sam rushed over to her. “You'll get expelled. You might go to jail. You were depressed. It wasn't your fault what you did to Meagan. We got your back.”
Isha stood and said, “We're willing to have your back, but it's you on the line. Alpha chapter is bigger than any of us, but we care for you. What do you really want to do?”
Cheryl said, “I want to report what I did now. I want to save our chapter.”
I was sitting next to our Dr. Garnes. She leaned over and mumbled to me, “Wow! Look at how God can work things out.”
Sam started crying. “Why are you gonna do this?”
Cheryl put her arm around Sam. “I can deal with going to jail and not being at Western Smithâthose things are bad. But dying could be worse, and God gave me a gift. At least, for right now, I'm okay. So I wanna honor Him by giving Him some of the things that mattered to me. If I can't be a part of this chapter, that's the price I'm gonna have to pay, but at least I can be excited knowing that I didn't hurt the chapter for good. Who wouldn't want to be a part of a group of women who will stand up for you? Even those of you who wanna tell hadn't to this point, and I take your loyalty seriously. It matters to me, and it has helped get me through my own personal tough time. But now that that's passed, now that you've done your part and God has given me a gift, we need to get out of here and go see the President. I just have one request.”
“Name it,” Malloy said, excitedly speaking for us all.
“When you get the chapter out of the danger zone, when the sorority pardons you guys and gives you a clean bill of health to keep operating, when the new school year starts in a few months, remember to treat Beta Gamma Pi right. Remember that everything you do reflects on our chapter. Do a project where you tell teens about the consequences of premarital sex. Lastly, remember to please God because if you strive to hit His mark, you'll be in the clear.”
We all rushed up and hugged her and then went to handle our business with the President. After a little Bible study, God had showed us He could fix it.
Â
A couple weeks had passed. We were finished with exams. We'd gotten a clearance from the school and the sorority, so Alpha chapter was fine. We'd still be on probation for another year because we had violated the probation this year, but at least we were moving forward and we weren't closed down. Like Cheryl had reminded us, we all vowed to take good care of our chapter with this next chance we had been given.
Also, Meagan had dropped the charges against Cheryl, so Cheryl didn't have to go to jail. We found out Meagan was also clear of HIV and had been feeling Cheryl's same state of mind the night of the fight. I guess she understood what the whole ordeal was about and was thankful that she, too, had a clean bill of health.
As far as Cheryl and school, she was going to be suspended for a semester. She also would be out of the sorority and have to pay a fine of one thousand dollars for misrepresenting the sisterhood of Beta Gamma Pi. Cheryl was fine with all those things. Like me, she was just happy that God had spared her life, and she was going to do everything she could not to let him down again.
Konner and I were doing great as well. We were taking things slow, not getting too close physically, and being real with our time together. He talked about his hopes, fears, and dreams, and I did the same. We talked about wanting to get a degree, and we worked it out so he could go to a junior college in the fall.
Sam, Isha, and I were excited to be at the National Convention. Malloy's mom had one more year of being President. The church service that had been held on the Saturday evening of the convention had been moving. The National Chaplain, Bishop Volante Taylor, had notoriety. She'd won the Nobel Peace Prize six years before for her work in Africa. She was the author of several books and gave lectures across the country. She was also the bishop for five churches in the DC area and was rumored to be going into politics. Women were dominating the nation one speech at a time.
“Come on, Cassidy. We have to go get a good seat,” Isha said.
Then Sam came running up to us. “Where are we gonna sit? It is cold as ice in here. I hope this ceremony doesn't take long, because I have to get back to the room and pack.”
I just looked over at her. “After all we've been through this year, the Lord has moved and shown Himself to be faithful. We're able to be at this convention because He didn't allow us to be kicked off campus and out of the sorority. If we had to sit here all day with coats on and praise His name, that wouldn't be enough.”
“You're right, you're right,” Sam said.
Bishop Taylor took to the mic and said, “I won't be up here long. We've had a great convention, good workshops, good speeches, and a good time all around. I just want to spread a word of hope. You all have it going on. We are sisters of Beta Gamma Pi, the most powerful sorority in the world. We don't just talk about things happening, we envision them happening, work to make them happen, and come out successful in the end. I want to talk to you about Daniel in the Lions' Den this evening. You see, Daniel was a young man who was facing adversity, but he didn't look at adversity as a sign of hopelessness. He looked at adversity as his friend. And that's the message of this evening. Adversity is your friend. We got it going on as sisters of Beta Gamma Pi because we want the challenge to be brought on. You might say, âWell, Bishop Taylor, how is adversity our friend?' Well, I have three points for you.”
Sam nudged me in the arm and said, “Yeah, how is adversity your friend? I can't stand adversity. I pray next year that Alpha chapter will be drama free. Let's just serve others. No parties, just service,” she joked, having been selected as our new President. “First Vice, are you down with the service?”
I nodded. As far as the adversity thing went, I was saying the same thing in my headâ
I hate adversity.
But as I looked back over my year at Western Smith, I saw that I had started out not caring about myself and I had gone through a journey to find out why I was that wayâand had become better because of it. God had brought me through with flying colors. If I was better only because I'd gone through the storm, I didn't wanna have to go through another to make me stronger.
Soror Taylor continued. “One: Adversity makes you face the truth. You need to look at yourself, look around you, and shave off the things that aren't working. Sorors, cut the baggage. Better yourself. Straighten up! The time is now; you can't do big things if you're in denial. Number two: Adversity makes you figure it out. When you're up against the ropeâyou have no way out, no hope, no solutionâadversity draws you to your knees, and you come to God. And then He can reign and rule in your life, and He can give you a plan. Trust Him, sorors. Trust Him. And, finally: Adversity helps you finish standing. We celebrate triumphs because someone went through something, and they came out strong. Betas do big things because we aren't afraid to back down from the hard stuff. Adversity is your friend, sorors. Go back to your campus and continue to make a difference. Be better. Be stronger. Face the truth, figure it out, and finish standing.”