Guarded Heart (Dubicki's) (12 page)

Chapter 17

Thank God I don’t have practice today.
Jesse was
pretty sure he’d lose to whatever sparring partner came at him that day if he
were fighting. He always had the day after a fight off, and, depending upon the
level of the fight, sometimes he’d have a few days off. He didn’t have to go
back until Monday, which meant he had the weekend off to sort things out.

He was shell-shocked the previous night.
How could things
go from so amazing one moment to seem like they’re falling apart in the next?
He’d had enough bullshit in the last year and a half since his dad had died. It
was bad enough not having a mother growing up, but then his father died young,
too. He was starting to think how short a lifespan could be if you were a
Dubicki. He was suddenly more aware of his own mortality now that he had a
daughter.

Jesse felt like an orphan in more than one way growing up,
and especially then. The rest of their family was still in Philly, where the
rest of the Dubickis had settled after they’d come over through Ellis Island
from Poland when his
dziadek
was a baby.
Dziadek
grew up and had
heard that jobs were more plentiful in Minnesota, so he came there, met his
grandma, and stayed. He’d only met one of his great-uncles that came to visit
once when Jesse was a kid because
Dziadek
and he had been close when
they’d been boys. Just one great-uncle; that was it. They’d never had enough
money to travel, and that was that. His mother’s family was in northern
Minnesota, which was a few hours by car from Minneapolis, and they’d lost touch
after she’d died so many years ago.

There was no way he could let his daughter grow up without a
father after feeling alone so much of his life. He was so damned mad at Haley
and her parents for not telling him he had a child. He’d missed out on her
birth, her first steps, her first words, everything! But he was not going to
miss out on the rest of her life, even if he had to take Haley to court to work
out a custody arrangement. He was a fighter in the ring and in life, and he
would fight to know his daughter if necessary. He knew that Haley had a
vindictive side and hoped that lawyers would not be needed to figure out an
arrangement to share their child that worked for both of them. First, she
abandoned him, and then this. He didn’t know if he’d ever be able to forgive
her, but he’d try for the sake of their child.

His thoughts had been a jumble between his newfound daughter
Violet and Carissa all morning. First, he had to try to straighten things out
with Carissa. He felt terrible that she’d been there last night but was not
ready to tell her about his daughter yet. Not until he found out more from
Haley. He’d tell Carissa all about things later. Once he digested everything.
First, he had to clear up the misunderstanding that Carissa thought she saw the
night before.

He got into his pickup truck and listened to the music that
soothed his soul on the way over to Carissa’s: Amos Lee’s “The Man Who Wants
You” followed by Thomas Rhett’s “It Goes Like This.” He liked all kind of
music, but, at the end of the day, he always found his home in country music.
It was honest music that always resonated with him more than any other genre.
Right then, he needed the peace the music temporarily gave him because he had
plans to talk to both Carissa and Haley. Both were going to be battles in some
way. He pushed his worries to the back of his mind as he pulled up to Carissa’s
and got out of his truck.

He made his way to Carissa’s door and knocked. And knocked.
He picked up his cell phone and called her, and it went straight to voicemail.
He knew she was there. She had worked an early shift that he knew was over by
then, and he could see her car out front. He pounded the door again impatiently
with the side of his fist. He was not going to give up that easy.

“Carissa, I know you’re in there. Please, at least come to
the door,” he pleaded to her. He rested his forehead on the outside of her door
in a moment of surrender.

“Jesse, go away.” He heard her voice muffled behind the
front door.

Thank God.
He hadn’t heard her footsteps, so she must
have been there the whole time.

“It is so NOT okay for you to keep knocking like that when I
clearly do not want to talk to you.”

“Carissa, I’m sorry. Truly. But I need to talk to you. You
left last night without even giving me a chance to tell you my side of the
story.”

Silence.

“Carissa, I know you’re there. Just give me five minutes.
Then if you need me to leave, I will.”

She cracked the door open slightly, showing one side of her
face. Her eyebrow was in a defensive position while looking him up and then
down for what seemed like hours to him.

Finally, she opened the door. “Five minutes. That’s it.”

He walked in at her invitation, feeling thankful she’d give
him that. For the moment, he’d take what he could get. He followed her into her
living room. She sat down on the couch, and he sat down in a chair adjacent to
the couch. She moved to the opposite end of the couch as if trying to make
herself an island. Her eyebrow was still up in that defensive position.

“Speak. You’re down to four minutes and thirty seconds,
Dubicki.”

“Carissa, what you saw last night was my high school
girlfriend, Haley. I haven’t seen her since she left town suddenly when her
family moved right after we graduated high school. It broke my heart: I thought
we were going to be together forever. I’m not going to lie to you. It took me a
long time to get over her. I was mad she sought me out. She wanted to make her
amends with me.”

“What, is she in AA or something?”

“No.” He was starting to learn that when she used sarcasm
her defenses were up. “Like I said, she broke my heart. She came back to town
and was trying to apologize.”

“Well, you looked pretty cozy for having been mad at her.”
She crossed her arms, waiting for his response.

“Carissa, I was a little taken aback that you would walk in
there and then run out. When Kelsey said that you might be upset, I felt like
an ass. Forgive me. We were just together for a long time and still have that
familiarity. Don’t mistake that for something that it’s not, I’m begging you.”

“Then why the HELL did she kiss you? You didn’t stop her,”
Carissa demanded with her hands placed defensively on her hips.

“Carissa, I didn’t ask her to do that. I didn’t even know it
was coming.”

“It didn’t look to me like you were pushing her away.”

She was softening a bit, he could tell, but he still wasn’t
out of the dog house.

“Listen, Carissa.” He sat on the edge of her couch and tried
to rub the stress out of his temples while he spoke. “She left me four years
ago
. Left
me. Just gone. Don’t tell me you don’t know what that feels
like.”

She winced as he said it, and he was sorry for it but knew
he was getting through to her.

“I have never felt so abandoned. I had dreams of a future
with her. It was long over by the time you came along, but I didn’t have the
closure I needed. I’m so, so sorry that you saw it, and I can only imagine how
that looked. I didn’t like her touching me, but I wanted answers.”

“I understand, sort of. Jesse, you know I’ve been hurt, and
you know how badly. How would you have felt if the shoe was on the other foot?”

“I would not have liked it.” His fist clenched at the
thought of anyone getting near to her like that. He was instantly sorry and
wished he could take it back. But not if that meant that he’d never know about
his daughter.

He moved toward her. She let him. He gently reached his arms
to her, and she let him hug her.

Carissa lifted her face to him. “Jesse, I can forgive you. I
just need to know this won’t happen again. I didn’t like seeing you with
another woman, no matter what your past is.”

“Carissa, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“I hope so, Jesse, but it’s hard for me to trust. If you do
something to make me not trust you, I won’t be able to get past that. I’ve been
lied to, I’ve been abused, and it’s hard for me to trust or rely on anyone. I
guard my heart with everything I have, and you are the one person that has made
me think it was worth trying to open myself up to. Please don’t take that for
granted.”

A tear fell quietly down her cheek, and he brushed it away
with his finger.

“Hey, Carissa, don’t cry. I am so sorry that I did anything
that might hurt you, and I will do my honest to God best to make sure that
never happens again.”

“Promise me, Jesse.”

“I promise,” he said as he kissed her tears away.

***

A half hour later he pulled up to the apartment Haley was
renting with his daughter.
My daughter.
Jesse still was having a hard
time absorbing everything, and he was about to see Haley to talk about things
and meet Violet, their child, for the first time. He wasn’t sure how to feel
about it; he wasn’t sure how he was going to explain it to Carissa after the
fact, but first he had to get through the meeting and some of the details with
Haley.

The door opened before he got all of the way up the steps,
and he saw Haley standing there with a little girl on her hip. His child. It
was surreal.

His daughter had dark hair like her mother, and her head was
framed with curls. She leaned her head on Haley’s shoulder and had her thumb in
her mouth. She looked at Jesse with uncertainty and, as he approached, turned
her head into her mother’s shoulder. She was shy, of course, because he was a stranger,
which was about to change.

They walked into the house together. Violet stayed on her
mother’s lap as they sat down at the dining room table just inside the door. He
noticed that Violet seemed very clingy to her mother and wondered if that was
his presence or just a stage of hers. He wanted to know so many things about
her, but first things first.

“Violet, sweetie, this is Jesse.”

Violet looked up at him with her big brown eyes. They were
his eyes. She still sucked her thumb as her mother continued, “You’ve asked why
you don’t have a daddy; Jesse is your daddy, honey.”

Violet’s eyes grew big, and she turned her face back to her
mother’s chest as if she were trying to get away from him. He knew the feeling.

He reached forward and put his hand lightly on Violet’s
back.

“Hi, Violet. I’m Jesse. You can call me Jesse, or you can
call me Daddy. It’s up to you. I’m sorry I haven’t been in your life before
now, but I’d like to change that. And I’d like to be part of your life, if you
let me.”

Violet peeked at him with one eye slightly, as if she were
sizing him up. For such a little girl, she seemed very wise. He suddenly felt
something he could only describe as a source of pride swell in his chest. He
wished his dad were here so he could ask him if all the things he was feeling
right now and all the things he would feel about being a dad were normal.

They all moved into the living room. Jesse sat with Violet
on the couch, and Haley brought over some toys for Violet to play with. After
the toys were on the couch between father and daughter, Haley went to sit over
on a chair to give them space to get to know one another. Violet was shy at
first but soon began to play with her toys. She reached out to Jesse to help
her play. They continued to play for a little while, and Violet started to get
sleepy. She actually nodded off to sleep twice and quickly woke herself up
before Haley came over to pick her up.

“Let me just put her down for a nap, and then we can talk.
Violet, say goodbye to Jesse.”

Violet just kept her head buried in her mother’s chest and
didn’t look at him. She made an unintelligible sound which he supposed was her
way of saying goodbye. He felt a little pang of disappointment that their first
visit was over so soon, but hopefully he would see her again soon.

Haley walked back out alone a few minutes later.

“Let’s go sit at the table, Jesse. I don’t want to wake her.
She just got a toddler bed, and it’s like a shiny, new toy to her. It’s hard
for her to get to sleep sometimes, and, now with you here, I’m afraid there may
be so much excitement that it’s hard for her to sleep.”

Jesse got up and followed her to the dining room table. She
sat down on a chair adjacent to him so they could face each other as they
spoke.

“Haley, I want to be a part of her life. I don’t know how
this will work, but I want to work out an arrangement so that I can see her
regularly. I will pay you child support, too. If you want, we can work this out
without having to go to lawyers, but I will consult one if I need to.” Jesse
was unconsciously wringing his hands together as he spoke.

Haley reached out and placed her hand on his hands. “Don’t
worry, Jesse. We will work this out.”

“I hope so, Haley. You know my history, and not having one
parent was hard for me growing up. I don’t want Violet to wonder who I am, and
I don’t want to not know her. Now that you’ve told me about her, and now that
I’ve met her, I can tell I’m already falling in love with her. She’s mine. She
looks like me.” His eyes sparkled with pride.

“She does. You don’t know how many times a day she reminds
me that she’s yours with just a look or a movement.”

“Haley, it’s completely unfair that I didn’t get a say in
her life until now, but I’m going to let that go. I’m grateful that you’re back
here and that you told me about her. Thank you for that. You seem like you’ve
done a great job raising her.”

“I was hoping we might get a second shot at a relationship.
Maybe we could all be a family,” she said as she reached her hand to rest on
his knee under the table. It gave him a start. He moved his leg away and placed
her hand back on her leg.