Read Guarded Heart (Dubicki's) Online
Authors: Lisa Andres
“Haley, you have to know that I have a girlfriend. It took
me a long time to get over you, but I am over you. I’m happy with my girlfriend
Carissa, and I will always respect you as my child’s mother, but that will be
the extent of our relationship.” Haley looked visibly disappointed as he
continued, “We will be parents to this beautiful child, but nothing more. I’m
sorry. But like I said, I’m happy with the relationship I have now.”
Haley looked down, hoping to disguise her fury at Carissa
for coming in between her and her child’s father. She asked a few questions
about the two of them, and finally said in resignation, “Well, Carissa is one
lucky woman.”
They made a tentative visitation arrangement and agreed on
an initial number for support before Haley walked him to the door. Jesse had a
pang of regret that he couldn’t say goodbye to Violet but took solace in
knowing they would see each other soon.
As the front door opened and Jesse was about to leave, he
heard the pitter patter of his daughter’s little footsteps flying out of her
room. He turned to look at her, and she held her little arms up as she ran
towards him. He reached down and swooped her up into his arms. It seemed like
the most natural thing in the world. He held her for a moment and told her he
would see her again really soon before saying goodbye to her. She didn’t say a
word to him, only smiled and nodded as he put her back down on the ground
again.
This was such an odd turn of events, but such a welcome one.
He had found a wonderful woman to love, and now he had a child to love. It
would be strange to tell people about his kid, but he didn’t care. He loved her
already, and he hoped that Carissa would love her, too.
Carissa had woken up feeling refreshed. It was good that she
and Jesse had talked things out the day before. It was hard for her trust
people, yes, but she was already falling for him, so she was glad to know it
was all a misunderstanding.
After a good day at work, Carissa decided to stop at the
Quarry shopping center and get some groceries on the way home. She wasn’t a
really big fan of grocery shopping, but a girl had to do what a girl had to do
to keep food in the house. Especially if Jesse was going to be there every once
in a while and she had to cook for two.
She was waiting at the deli for her lunch meat and noticed
another woman watching her. She looked familiar; Carissa suddenly realized that
it was the old girlfriend of Jesse’s from the other night.
That would
explain the looks, but how the hell does this woman know who I am?
Carissa
suddenly wished she looked a little bit better and didn’t have on work clothes,
but it didn’t matter. Jesse was with her and not that woman from his past.
Carissa noticed the woman had a little girl in her cart as they started towards
her.
“Hi, I’m Haley,” the woman said and smiled at Carissa as she
extended her hand. “You’re a friend of Jesse Dubicki, right?”
“Hi. Carissa. I’m his girlfriend, actually.” She reached out
her hand to Haley to be polite. She couldn’t wait until this awkward meeting
was over.
“I thought I recognized you from one of his fights on TV.
Forgive me if I was staring,” she apologized, placing her hand on her chest
apologetically.
Carissa nodded.
“I just came back in to town to see how he was doing. He and
I have a lot of history.”
“Yes, I suppose you do,” Carissa nodded at her as Haley
continued.
“We were together for over three years. This is our
daughter, Violet,” Haley said, gesturing to the small child before her. As she
did, Carissa looked at the child and realized she had a strong resemblance to
Jesse.
Fuck.
Carissa fought the bile rising in her stomach.
She forced herself to fake a smile and asked, “How old is your daughter?”
“She’s two and a half. Aren’t you, Violet?” Haley said,
looking down at the little girl with Jesse’s eyes. Violet responded by putting
her thumb in her mouth as she studied Carissa’s face.
Carissa started to feel like the whole thing was playing in
slow motion like a movie. A bad movie. The little girl looked just like Jesse.
She willed away the tears that were threatening to fall until she could get out
of there.
“She’s beautiful.”
Haley thanked her.
“I just forgot I have somewhere else I have to be. Please
excuse me,” Carissa said, abandoning her partially full grocery cart in the
middle of the store.
She didn’t let herself break into a run until she got out
into the parking lot and headed for the safety of her car. As soon as the door
closed and she lowered her body into the driver’s seat, she let the tears fall.
Her body shook with sobs before she could finally think. She didn’t understand.
Jesse told her that Haley was his ex-girlfriend and nothing more.
Why would
he not tell me this yesterday? Are some men just born liars?
She felt sick and betrayed, but she’d be damned if she was
going to let Jesse go before at least demanding an explanation from him. She
should have known better than to trust him and scolded herself as she drove to
Dubicki’s through the haze of tears.
A few minutes later, she pulled up to the bar that housed
Jesse’s apartment upstairs and made her way up the steps that led to his
apartment door. She knocked. She was greeted by Carson, Jesse’s roommate.
“Hi, Carissa. Are you okay?” Carson said as he opened the
door, gesturing with his hand for her to come in.
“Is he here?” she asked coolly as she walked across the
threshold and stood just inside the door.
“Yeah, just let me go get him,” Carson said, trying to avoid
Carissa’s eyes. He knew something was wrong and already knew he was going to
have to wait whatever this was that felt like a fight out downstairs at the
bar. Carson was suddenly relieved that he didn’t have a girlfriend.
He walked down the hall to the door to Jesse’s room and
knocked on his door. When Jesse opened the door, Carson said, “Dude, your girl
is here. She does not look happy. I’m going to go downstairs and have a beer.”
Jesse, just waking from a much needed nap, hoped Carson was
just imagining it. He followed Carson back down the hall towards the living
room. Carson’s speed was a fast walk verging on a run. Jesse wanted to laugh at
his chicken-shit friend.
Then Jesse turned the corner and saw her face. Carissa had
tears streaming down her face, and the remnants of smeared makeup around her
eyes. On top of all that, she looked mad.
Shit.
They both stared at each other as Carson scurried past them
to remove himself from the visible storm of emotion that was brewing in their
living room. As the door slammed behind them signaling Carson’s exit, Jesse
walked towards her.
She held her arm out to stop him from getting too close.
“You lied.”
“What are you talking about, Carissa?”
“Are you fucking kidding me right now, Jesse?” She crossed
her arms defensively over her chest. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me you have
a daughter with your ex-girlfriend?”
He flinched as if she’d struck him.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Carissa said as his reaction
served as an admission of guilt on his part.
“I can explain. I just found out. That’s what she was
telling me the night you saw us, Carissa,” he reached out to her.
Carissa stood still, her arms wrapped around her while she
quietly wept.
“I don’t care, Jesse. I have had enough people lying to me
in my life, and yesterday you promised things would change; the whole time you
knew this and chose not to tell me. I can’t deal with that kind of dishonesty.”
He tried to move towards her, but she backed up to match his
movement forward
“Come on, Carissa. Please let me explain. Come in and sit
down with me.”
“Jesse, it’s not going to work this time. The damage is
done. I won’t tolerate this behavior again. I can’t.” The tears welled up,
betraying her will as she spoke. “I thought you were different, but you are
just like everyone else that has done shitty things to me, Jesse.”
“Carissa, I was just trying to absorb this myself before I
told you. Please… I was hoping you would support the fact that I have a
daughter.”
“FUCK you, Jesse Dubicki! It’s not about you having a
daughter. It’s about you lying and letting me down just like every other person
I’ve ever known. I’m done. DONE!” Carissa yelled as she turned and walked out,
slamming the door on the way out: she’d had enough of people hurting her and
was afraid she wouldn’t be able to stay away from him even though he clearly
wasn’t good for her anymore.
Jesse’s instinct was to chase her, but he had a sense of
knowing that if he did, he’d lose her forever. He should have told her the day
before, but he was afraid. He had barely digested the news of Violet and hadn’t
felt ready to tell her then. He screwed up. Again.
Jesse walked to the door she’d just walked out of. He placed
his hand gently against the door with regret. He walked back to his room,
defeated. As he reached his bed, it hit him. The grief of losing her rocked
through his body powerfully. Within the space of the day, he felt like his world
was falling down around him.
It had been three days, two hours, and twelve minutes since
Carissa had pushed him away. Not that he was counting. He’d felt like he was in
a fog since that day and didn’t know what had happened. For the first time in
his life, he felt like there was a relationship worth having. He still couldn’t
put his finger on what it was, but there was just something about her.
Everything seemed brighter when she was around.
Now the light was gone.
The day after she’d left, Jesse was pretty much in denial.
It hurt and he missed the hell out of her, but he thought she’d come to her
senses and seek him out. He lost himself in his practice that day and every day
since then; Pablo had to order him another custom punching bag as a result of
him being a bit overly passionate about his punches. Not that Pablo had
complained about it at the time. He had a big fight coming up, and Pablo didn’t
care the reason Jesse was hitting practice hard.
Then, reality started to sink in. The pain was excruciating.
In his state, he didn’t want to be alone, and he’d started going out to drown
his sorrow at the bar with Carson and Luke. Not a great idea on a practice
night for an active fighter.
The night before, Luke and Carson were trying to get him to
pick up a woman; par for the course on a night out with the guys. The only
thing was that Jesse wasn’t in the mood for that and lost his temper rather
quickly. Luke had a mildly sadistic streak, though, and made him a bet that he
couldn’t do it--that he couldn’t get it up for anyone other than Carissa. Jesse
never could resist a dare.
After a while, Jesse got up enough willpower to flirt with
the woman Luke had pointed to, and she was all over him in an instant. It
didn’t take long until he had his hand up her shirt. It was about to make him
forget until he called her Carissa. The girl slapped him and walked away. He
didn’t blame her.
Not that he was the kind of guy to do something like that.
It was just that he had never really been in love before. He had never
considered something like that. Sex was always sex. Being in love was something
just in movies or that people he knew did. He didn’t do that.
Until then.
Shit.
He realized at some point between the girl that
slapped him and sobering up that he was in love.
How did this happen?
He
realized the reason he didn’t want to be without her. But how was he going to
get her back?
****
“Jesse, what the FUCK is going on with you?” Pablo yelled in
frustration. His yells echoed through the gym as all the activity around them
seemed to still for a moment.
“Sorry, Pablo,” Jesse grumbled as he went back to the weight
bench.
“Jesse, I have watched you go from a beast to spiraling down
the sort of hole that a fighter that does drugs spirals down in a minimal
amount of time. Your head is anywhere but here. Have you gotten into drugs,
boy?”
“No,” Jesse grunted as he lay on the weight bench, lifting
as much weight over his head as he could bear without being spotted.
“I am getting tired of your one word responses, Jesse.
You’ve been late for practice that last two mornings looking like hell.” Pablo
paced and continued to vent his frustration, “LATE. You are never late. A
person could think that the only thing that would possess you to be that
careless is drugs. Or pussy. So which is it?”
“It’s not drugs.”
“FUCK!” Pablo yelled at him before storming out of the gym,
punching the metal door of the gym as he walked by.
Jesse could hear him cursing in Spanish as he stormed away.
He always knew Pablo was really upset when he started to rant or swear in his
native tongue. Not that he didn’t deserve it. He just didn’t know how to make
the pain go away, and he didn’t know how to stop feeling sorry for himself. He
had to get it together for his next fight that was just a few days away and
find a way to channel his anger into his attack on his opponent. He just hoped
he could get it together on time.
***
Carissa couldn’t get Jesse off her mind. Why did making the
decision to make a clean cut from him and all things that would remind her of
him hurt so much? She was determined to get over this and move on with things,
but she still felt so empty inside.
The first day she’d cried, listened to breakup songs like
some heartbroken school girl, eaten nearly a gallon of ice cream, and
then--when she couldn’t take it anymore--she ran. She just put the ear buds
from her phone in her ear, blasted the music, and ran. At some point, she
exhausted herself and then had a strange realization that every time she ran
after a stressful occasion, maybe she was trying to run from herself. For as
long as she could remember, she had the tendency to run in times of extreme
stress; it was not for fun. Some people lit a cigarette in a moment of stress;
Carissa liked going for a run. Maybe it started when she was younger to get her
out of the house. In those days when things got bad, her mother was usually
gullible enough to believe she was actually running because she was going out
for the track team.
Then Dana had provided her the shoulder she needed to cry
on. And the tough love that she apparently needed. Maybe that was the reason
she’d avoided Dana right away. Dana might seem like a flighty friend sometimes,
but she was always the backbone of the situation when one was required. This
time was no exception. Dana told her in no uncertain terms that she should tell
Jesse she was sorry and offer him another chance. Dana told her that she was
sorry Carissa was hurt and didn’t blame her for feeling betrayed. That said,
she didn’t think Jesse had meant any harm and encouraged Carissa to give him a
break. He had a lot on his plate with finding out he had a daughter.
Carissa reluctantly brought herself to the realization that
Dana had a point. Even though she wanted to see it from Dana’s point-of-view,
she still didn’t know if she could be with someone who had acted like Jesse
did, whether he meant to lie to her or not.
She had spent the night at Dana’s for the last couple of
nights. Dana had her own place and invited her to bring Cal over, and they just
decided to enjoy each other’s company for a few days, or however long Carissa
felt she needed to be there. In the two nights that she’d been staying at
Dana’s place, it was Dana’s daily habit to ask Carissa if she’d come to her
senses yet. Each day after the question when Carissa said no, Dana would click
her tongue as if to say “shame on you” and heave a dramatic sigh. Then they
would just continue talking as if nothing had happened. The thing was, the
conversation always got back to Jesse.
Dana had finally had it the night before and exploded at
her. “Jesse this, Jesse that. Anyone else could see that you two are good for
each other. Anyone could realize that you probably are in love with each other.
You’re both probably equally stubborn, and therefore deserve each other, but
that’s beside the point. Get over yourself and go apologize!”
“Dana, how many times do I have to tell you? It’s not
happening. I will get over him.”
“Uh huh,” Dana clicked her tongue in doubt at her. “That’s
why you’ve ingested your weight in ice cream in the last two days, then.”
“Oh, shut up, Dana. I always run it off afterwards.”
“You know damn well that both those things are behaviors you
have when you are stressed out and miserable.”
“Thank you for pointing out the obvious. You are starting to
annoy me.” Carissa playfully smacked Dana upside the head.
“Owww!”
“Don’t forget I can fight, too, Dana Wheeler. Push my
buttons enough, and you will find out what I mean first hand.”
“Okay, truce.” Dana held out her hand in apology, and they
both laughed. “Now what do you say we make some fondue and watch some MMA on
television. Don’t act like you don’t know Jesse has a fight tonight.”
“Trust me, I know. Even if you hadn’t suggested watching it,
I would have found a way to get the TV on that fight.” Carissa blushed as she
admitted it: he may not be good for her, but she couldn’t turn her feelings off
like a light switch.
They went back to talking about Dana’s latest guitar player
romance as they made dinner. Apparently, she’d gotten bored with Kyle and
upgraded to a better guitar player. Better looking, better on the guitar, and
better in bed. Carissa’s head was spinning with her own drama, but hearing
Dana’s made her feel better in some ways. At least she was not alone.
She wasn’t sure why Dana had a thing for guitar players. To
her, every guy with a guitar looked kind of alike. She didn’t get why some
women swooned over anyone just because he had an instrument he played. Carissa
was starting to realize she preferred athletes. Well, really, just one athlete.