Hard to Hold (16 page)

“So cute,” Isabella remarked, glad for the change in topic.

But Logan's sister had her own agenda. “I could see him having a big family one day.”

Isabella's stomach lurched and she put her plate aside. Her eyes shifted to Logan, who came into the porch, gave her a warm smile, and then settled down to the floor to play with the rest of the children. Chloe poured him tea from a plastic pot, which he solemnly drank and rubbed his belly as if it was the best thing ever. Lily toddled over to him, offering him her beads, while Cinnamon gurgled in recognition and glee.

He would make a wonderful father,
she thought, her heart sinking. Watching him with the kids, she realized he was a natural. Whereas Coulter seemed awkward around the smaller children, Logan was right at home. And they were all over him, sensing his comfort level and his kindness.

An old sadness claimed her, as if clouds had smothered the sun. There could be no happily ever after here for her. The fantasy she'd been entertaining all evening was just that. The reality was that she was unable to give Logan a child of their making.

“You okay, Bella?”

She realized Jessica was talking to her even though her voice sounded far away. Forcing aside her thoughts, Isabella nodded.

“Yes. I've just got a bit of a headache, that's all.”

But as her gaze returned to Logan, one thought wouldn't leave her. How could she deny him this, the experience of having his own children?

Her heart melted as Chloe removed her Disney princess tiara and put it on Logan's head. The soccer player lifted his face and Chloe broke into giggles at his appearance, even as he straightened the crown and wore it with pride. Cinnamon rolled onto her belly, gazing up at him and smiling.

She couldn't do it. Logan deserved so much more. To leave them now would hurt, badly, but not as much as staying. Every moment that went by made her fall even more deeply in love with not just him, but Cinnamon, too. And that wasn't fair to anyone involved.

Least of all her.

“I think I'd better leave,” she said, turning to Jessica apologetically. “It's starting to become a migraine.”

In truth, her head was pounding, and she felt faintly nauseated.

But not from a headache.

“I'm so sorry,” Jessica said, though her brow furrowed. “I had one once, and it was god-awful.” She leaned closer and embraced Isabella. “I hope you feel better. Can I get you anything?”

“No. Thanks.” Isabella reached for Cinnamon's toys that had scattered all over the blanket. “I just need to go.”

“Sorry you aren't feeling well, Bella,” Logan said on the way home, shooting her a concerned glance.

“It was just a lot of running around today, I guess.” She stared out the window into the night as Cinnamon sighed in her sleep from the car seat.

Something was off. Logan could feel it. Mentally he replayed the evening. Isabella seemed to be enjoying herself. Each time he glanced her way, she'd been laughing at Coulter or Rory, or chatting it up with Jess. And she liked his sister; he knew that for a fact.

So what? Had it been too much, meeting so many of his family at once? Was she worried about whether or not they liked her? He didn't think she was that way, but some women got all spun up over such shit…

“My mom loves you,” he said, thinking to put that issue to rest. “She thinks you're not only beautiful, but smart and terrific with the baby. She's really happy Cinnamon has you in her life.”

“That's nice,” she said absently. “I like her, too.”

Strike one
.
It is a good fucking thing I don't play baseball,
Logan thought laconically.

“I hope Rory and Coulter didn't piss you off with the way they joke around—”

“Logan, can we talk tomorrow?” she interrupted. “I really do have a headache, and just want to get home and lie down. I'm sorry. I think your family is great, and I enjoyed the dinner. Let's just leave it at that, okay?”

“Sure.”

Strike three
.

Mentally, his mind reviewed the events of the day. Bella had kissed him before they left, a kiss so erotic and full of promise that he got instantly aroused thinking about it. Something had happened between then and now to set her off.

Then he pictured Jessica and her ring. His sister normally wasn't flashy about things like that, but she'd been justifiably happy,\ and wanting to share her joy. Had it bothered Isabella to see Jess's diamond, aware that their relationship was not as far along?

That had to be it,
Logan thought, satisfied that he'd solved a particularly knotty problem. Maybe she was worried about
them,
where things were going. He understood that, for even though he'd tried to get things on a more romantic track, they'd still not had much time alone together.

There was still a lot up in the air when it came to his own life. The detective he'd hired had gotten in touch to say he'd found Desiree had been working in a bar in Fort Lauderdale, but by the time he'd checked out the lead, she was gone. She and her boyfriend had been surprisingly effective at covering their tracks, and clearly had motivation for doing so.

On advice from his father, he'd consulted an attorney, Eileen Coughlin, who had advised him to get the lab test done ASAP. The kit had arrived, and he'd sent out the samples. Now the waiting game continued.

So why was he dicking around where Bella was concerned? Even as he formed the question, he knew the answer. He didn't do the emotional shit. Yeah sure, he cared about Bella, and the baby, for that matter. They were all perfectly happy with the way things were, right? Why wasn't that enough?

But was he willing to risk losing what they had?

Losing her?

Because at the end of the day, Isabella wasn't the kind of woman to settle. She didn't have to. She had it all: looks, class, and brains. At some point, he would have to find the words, tell her what she meant to him, and make some kind of commitment. He sensed that's why he didn't have all of her, why she was holding back.

She needed to feel safe and secure with him. And there was only one thing he could give her that would do that.

Even if it just scared the crap out of him.

“Patty, we need to talk.”

Isabella went for a walk the following morning with her cell, her heart heavy.

She had to move on. She could feel the depression creeping around her, wanting to smother her in sadness. She'd fought it before and won, but this time there was so much more at stake:

Logan.

Cinnamon.

All of her hopes and dreams.

The thought of leaving was gut wrenching, but to stay only meant postponing the inevitable.

“You okay, Bella? You sound odd. Everything all right with the baby?”

She could hear the concern in her employer's voice, and she hastened to reassure her. “Yes, she's fine. I just think it's time I went to work for someone else.”

She could picture Patty seated in her office, her mind going a mile a minute. “Why?”

“He doesn't need me as much now,” she explained, taking a seat in the park on a bench and watching a happy couple spread a blanket on the ground for their baby. “Cinnamon is thriving. Logan is comfortable with her routine. He knows what to do, how to feed her, bathe her, change her. Another nanny could take over very easily.”

“Okay,” Patty said slowly. “I get that the baby is doing well, and Logan's onboard as a dad. But you didn't answer my question. Why do you want to leave?”

She sucked in a breath. “Things are getting too…involved. Logan took me to meet his family last night.”

“So? I don't think that's abnormal. He probably wants them to get to know you and the baby—”

“Patty.” Isabella cut her short. “I can't explain more than that. I need to go. Now. You promised.”

“Gotcha.” Thankfully, she seemed to get the message and stopped asking questions. “How soon do you want to move out? I have a position opening in about a month that would be perfect for you. Newborn baby. Young couple, both of them working full-time, executives in a Fortune five hundred.”

“Anything sooner than that?” She cringed as she thought of weeks with Logan, sharing the same space, that hot sexual attraction crackling between them. “I was thinking more like days.”

There was a long pause. “I want to make sure I have the right situation for you. You are way too talented to wind up in just any job. It's none of my business, but Logan didn't…hurt you or anything, did he?”

“God, no. No, it's nothing like that. I just need a change. The sooner the better.”

“Okay. Give me a few days to think about it, maybe move some assignments around. There is a new woman I just interviewed who might do for Cinnamon. I think she was previously employed at the hospital, in prenatal care. Let me talk to her, okay?”

“Yes.” Isabella clicked off the phone, watching as the father in the park hefted his baby into the air.

It would work. It had to.

The anonymous brown envelope arrived in the mail a few days later, sandwiched between catalogs, magazines, and bills.

Logan knew what it was, in spite of there being no return address in the upper left-hand corner. The detective had been right. The lab was confidential, all the way to delivering results without any clue as to what was inside.

Fingering the seal, he realized his hand was shaking as he traced the edge. Cinnamon's fate lay within the contents of the enclosed pages. He had but to rip it open and he would know once and for all if Desiree's assertions were right.

And he was a father.

The nursery door shut. Logan quickly slipped the packet inside his
Sports Illustrated
and stuck it on top of the fridge.

“Hey there,” he said as Isabella emerged from the hallway. She somehow managed to look glamorous even in a soft pink fleece and leggings. Her blond hair was pulled back into a ponytail, which only emphasized her classic features, but he saw the gray shadows beneath her eyes and she seemed to avoid looking directly at him.

He didn't have time to get into this again and try to get her to talk to him.
Maybe later.
“Heading to the gym. Want some coffee?”

“No, I had some at the breakfast feeding. Now that Cinnamon's sleeping through the night, she really looks forward to that.”

Her tone was conversational, but it lacked the intimacy they'd shared up until the night of Jessica's party. Logan wanted to shake her, demand that she tell him what the fuck was going on, but he knew better than to pull a sophomore move like that.

Maybe she really wasn't feeling well? Was it that time of the month? Even though they were intimate, he hadn't been physically involved with her long enough to know when she got her period.

Relief flooded through him. That would certainly make sense, along with her moodiness. Maybe there was something he could do to make her feel better?

“Listen, what do you say we go out to dinner? Jess and my mother would love to have the baby. It would give us a chance to relax, have some fun.”

She took a deep breath, and he could see the conflict on her face. When she exhaled, her voice was filled with regret and something else he couldn't put his finger on.

“I don't think that's a good idea right now,” she said slowly. “Cinnamon is congested, and felt a little warm. It might just be because she is teething, but she could also be coming down with something. I think it's better for me to stick close by.”

“Okay, I didn't know.” Logan frowned. While he agreed it wasn't the best idea to ask his mom for a favor if there was any chance of the baby getting sick, it still didn't sit right with him.

What the fuck was going on?

Whatever it was, he vowed, he would find out tonight. He'd pick up a nice bottle of wine, get some upscale takeout, light the candles, and have a romantic dinner at home. He'd tell her how he felt about her, make her feel secure.

And get her to talk to him.

“I'll see you later,” he said, picking up his bag and heading for the gym. Logan felt instantly better.

He had a plan.

Isabella leaned against the door when he left and sighed with relief. Her phone buzzed and she thought of the text she'd received the day before from Patty:

Heads up! Found someone for Cinnamon. She can start in a few weeks. Work for you?

No.
She'd texted back immediately.
I want her to start now.

She had barely finished the text when Patty was calling.

“Isabella, you can't just walk out! We will introduce Logan to the new nanny, and if he approves, you can transition all of the relevant information…”

“Patty, what if I quit, just walked off the job? What would you do?”

“I'd send someone to cover temporarily until we found a suitable replacement.”

“Well, let's do that. You have the right person lined up long-term. Believe me, this is the best way.”

She hung up the phone after Patty reluctantly agreed to send someone that day. It was done. Logan and Cinnamon would have help until her replacement started, while she would take a few weeks off before beginning a new job…

Yet she was shaking when she thought about Logan. She knew she should talk to him, give him a chance to react. But what was she going to say? She didn't want to have to explain her reasons and see that look of disappointment on his face. And while she didn't think he would be a jerk about it the way Josh was, she dreaded the thought of Logan seeing her as something pathetic.

Worse, he might try to convince her that it didn't matter. Logan was a great guy, and she knew he cared for her. And maybe today it wouldn't be a big deal, but what about years from now, when he saw his brothers and sister surrounded by children of their own? It was inevitable that he would feel cheated, that he had missed out on an experience that was rightfully his.

And then he would resent her. Help would arrive that afternoon, while Logan was training. It was the cowardly way out, she knew it, but felt she had no choice. She would pack up her things, show her replacement around, and introduce her to Cinnamon. Then she could simply start over once more.

An ache opened up inside of her and she swallowed hard, picturing his reaction when he came home and found her gone. But she couldn't give in to that feeling.

One thing she knew for sure: If she really loved Logan Hart, and she now knew she did, she owed it to him to set him free.

She just didn't have it in her to say goodbye.

Logan felt uneasy all day. He had followed his usual routine, went to the gym, and did his pregame workout. He saw Sergio when he entered the locker room, but even his buddy's enthusiastic greeting didn't quiet the raging noise inside him.

They had a game to play, so he forced himself to concentrate, to stick to the plan. They'd won by a goal the last time they played Seattle as Sergio netted for the Hurricanes, but they should have been able to capitalize on that momentum. Thankfully, their goalkeeper kept the score 1–0, and they squeaked by with a win.

The head coach had taken his advice, and Pablo Martinez was there, replacing Juan Perez, who had sustained a concussion after a collision with an opposing teammate. Pablo was quick, decisive, and hungry, attributes the 'Canes sorely needed at this point in the season.

The applause grew thunderous when he strode onto the field. Even though he was new to the team, the media and the fans crowd had noticed the stats. It wasn't only that he'd scored early and often; he'd also assisted more goals all season than all of his teammates put together.

“They love you,” Sergio said, waving to the crowd, and Logan detected a note of envy.

“I'm just the fucking flavor of the week,” he replied as they assumed their positions on the field. The referee blew his whistle and Seattle's kicker sent the ball into play, driving it deep into left field. Logan and Sergio moved into position as Pablo got the ball and dribbled it down the field, passing it quickly to Marcelo as Seattle tried to gain control. Marcelo shot the ball toward the goal even as Seattle's defense intercepted and began to drive it toward the New Jersey net.

Fortunately, Pablo regained it and passed to Logan, feinting with his body in an effort to confuse the opposing team. Logan was twenty feet from the goal line, and he thought to kick for the net, but Sergio had moved closer and was in a good position to shoot.

He was still uncertain until Pablo moved to midfield, in the perfect position to assist Serg. Seattle didn't know their younger teammate, and no one would expect him to shoot. Without a second thought, Logan passed quickly to Pablo, and his younger teammate shot to Sergio. The striker kicked the ball into the net even as Seattle scrambled to figure out what the hell just happened.

The New Jersey crowd roared in approval, but Seattle answered back with a goal almost immediately. The park grew quiet as the Hurricanes struggled to control the ball. Finally, to his stunned surprise, Sergio kicked for a forty-yard goal, and New Jersey won the game!

The fans went wild as they got to their feet, yelling and cheering as loudly as only a New Jersey sports crowd can. Logan grinned, grabbed Sergio's hand, and raised it high in the air. The crowd exploded, and the striker basked in his moment of well-deserved glory.

As they headed back to the sideline, he glanced at his teammate. “You could have taken the shot. Then it would be you as the hero today.”

“You had the better position. And you know what they say, there is no ‘I' in team. I hear I don't always remember that. Thought it time I did.”

The locker room was bedlam. The team felt the momentum building, and the energy in the air was like a hive of hornets buzzing.

Logan spotted Pablo and slapped his shoulder. “Nice game today.”

“You, too, man. Both of you,” he said belatedly, recognizing Sergio. “Hey, we're going to the bar to celebrate. Coming with?” He looked at Logan and Sergio expectantly.

“Nah. I've got plans,” Logan responded, ignoring Sergio's smirk.

“Ball and chain?”

“If you saw the woman he was going home to,” Sergio said, “you'd understand. If a ball and chain comes packaged like that, incarcerate me.”