Hard to Hold (18 page)

James Kierney met him at the Orlando airport. Carrying Cinnamon in one arm, her diaper bag in another, he thanked the man behind him who had taken the baby's stroller and steadied it while he positioned the child inside.

“Anytime, big daddy,” his fellow passenger said. “That little girl has quite a set of lungs on her. Taking a baby alone on a plane? My hat's off to you, man.”

Logan was exhausted. The flight had been a nightmare. It was deceptively easy in the beginning; Cinnamon drank her bottle and then promptly fell asleep. She appeared so comfortable that he was stunned when she awoke a half hour later, screaming bloody murder.

The plane had been loaded with children, all headed to Disney, and Cinnamon's wails ignited a chorus of other crying babies. Frantic, Logan had tried to calm her with a binky, rubbed her belly, and finally walked her to the back of the plane where the flight attendants took pity on him and took turns holding her. It was no use; Cinnamon bawled until the pilot turned on the seatbelt sign to land.

Bella would have known what to do
, Logan thought, aware of the nasty looks other passengers sent his way as they disembarked the plane.
Fuck them.
But he never felt like such a failure, or as totally inept, as he did at the hands of this tiny female.

Silently, he could admit the truth, at least to himself: He missed Isabella terribly. And not just because of her skill with children; he missed everything about her. Her smile in the morning as she blew on a hot cup of coffee. The talks they shared at night when he got back from playing soccer when Cinnamon was sound asleep. And the quiet moments they shared in the nursery, feeding, changing, and playing with the baby.

He felt as if he'd not only lost his lover but his best friend, and he felt physically sick at the thought of losing her forever. Isabella had stuck by him through one of the most difficult times of his life, and now her absence affected him deeply.

“Logan.” The detective, a middle-aged man with a weathered face and kind blue eyes, approached and extended his hand, shaking him out of his thoughts.

“So this is her?” James sank down into a squat and grinned at the child.

“Yes, that's Cinnamon.”

“Hey there, little girl. You've caused quite a bit of trouble already for someone so young.” He made a silly face, earning a toothless grin from the baby. Standing back up, his gaze returned to Logan. “She looks a lot more like you than she does her mother.”

No kidding
. “Yeah, I know. She has our family's coloring, with the red hair and all.”

“Desiree's meeting us for lunch near where she works. It's about a two-hour drive from here. I have a rental car waiting outside.” He picked up the diaper bag as Logan steered the stroller toward the baggage claim.

“That should be okay. Cinnamon handles car travel a lot better than she does airplanes.”

“Have you thought about what you want the outcome to be?”

It was a loaded question, and he took a deep breath before responding. “When we first started looking for Dez, I thought she would realize this was a big mistake and would want the baby back. Now I'm not so sure, and even if she does, I don't think it's the right thing for Cinnamon.”

“Agreed.” James's eyes met his. He started the car as Logan buckled the baby into the car seat, and then got inside. “So what will you do if she wants the baby back?”

Logan hesitated. “I don't think it's safe to leave Cinnamon with her. She hasn't even contacted me in all this time to see how the baby was doing. I know she has problems of her own, but she's given me every indication that she is not the best mother in the world.”

“For what it's worth, I totally agree with your assessment.”

Logan nodded. “I got the DNA results back. Haven't looked at them yet, but it doesn't matter right now. I've been in a holding pattern for months, waiting for Desiree to appear. I need to clean this up with her, get a plan in place. It's time to plan for Cinnamon's future. I'm here to make sure she has one.”

“He's not answering.”

Isabella turned to Anna, a look of dismay in her eyes. “Maybe he's changed his mind and doesn't want to talk?”

“I wouldn't jump to conclusions,” Anna reassured her. “After all, he could be working out; maybe he left his cell in the locker? He'll get back to you.”

“I don't know. Logan can be kind of black-and-white. This is right, this is wrong. Maybe he feels I ran out on him and, like you said, is pissed.”

“Give him time. He gave that to you, right?”

And I deserted him
. She couldn't stop the thought even as she poured coffee for them both.

Anna picked up the cup, and then her eyes fell in amusement at the French press. “You are the only person I know who would have one of those in a rustic cabin.”

“Hey, you still need good coffee even in the wilderness, right?”

Anna took a sip and then sighed in bliss. “Heavenly.” When she opened her eyes, she gave her friend a reassuring smile. “He'll call, Bella. Stop worrying.”

“Right.”
I will when he does
.

It was beginning to occur to Isabella that she may have made one of the biggest mistakes of her life. Anna was right; she was in love with Logan Hart, and yet she had treated him with a casual disdain usually reserved for telephone solicitors.

It didn't feel like it at the time, but in retrospect, she owed him a lot more than to leave him with a text message. Even when she had left employers in the past, she did them the courtesy of an exit interview. She hadn't even given Logan that. Instead, she'd gotten overwhelmed by her own emotions and she ran.

It was a shitty thing to do, and she winced at her own sophomoric behavior. But at least now she knew why:

Josh.

Anna had been right. He had left her so insecure that she had no confidence in her relationship with Logan, even though he was an entirely different man. Logan had been the one to pay for that, which was unfair all the way around.

Worse, she'd left him vulnerable, alone with Cinnamon. Sure, Patty had sent someone to cover for her, but that wasn't at all the same and she knew it.

And now he wasn't returning her call. She couldn't hide the dread that filled her even as Anna cheerfully chattered. What if he was done with her? What if he was so angry he never got over it?

What if? What if?

She had to do something. She was the one who'd screwed things up, who'd left him cold because of her own issues. And even if he didn't want her, was furious with her, she owed it to him to at least hear him out even if all he wanted to say was go to hell.

“Where are you going?” Anna asked in surprise as she suddenly got up and began throwing things into a bag.

“To find Logan. Before it's too late.”

The car pulled into the Metro diner just as the lunch crowd was beginning to thin out. Cinnamon had taken her bottle, burped appreciatively, and then promptly fell asleep for the entire trip. Logan leaned back in his seat and dozed, grateful that the detective didn't beat his ear the rest of the trip.

As he unbuckled the baby, he felt his stomach tighten as Cinnamon awoke, and her blue eyes looked directly into his. A surge of protective instinct arose in him, and when he lifted her from the car seat, he held her in his arms for a long moment before settling her into her stroller.

It was beginning to dawn on him what was at stake. As long as he was in the thick of doing, determining logistics, packing up the baby, getting to the airport, getting through that flight…He hadn't had much time to think of this part, actually meeting Desiree.

How would she react upon seeing her daughter after all this time?

And how would he feel, besides pissed the fuck off?

After all, she had deserted her kid, dumped her on a guy she hardly knew, and then run off with some douchebag who was so important he had dumped her already.

Mother of the fucking year.

“I think that's her.”

James indicated a woman seated at the lunch counter. There was an untouched cup of coffee in front of her, and she nervously glanced toward the glass door as if waiting for someone. She didn't react to the detective, but when Logan maneuvered the stroller into the restaurant, he froze.

It was her.

The blond hair needed a dye job, the makeup was caked on, but it was Desiree. As he let his eyes wander over her, he wondered what he ever saw in her, even for one night.

And now that he knew what she was all about, he felt a surge of anger rise up in his throat.

“Do you think this is the best place for this conversation?” Logan turned to James, glancing around the crowded restaurant.

“I do. It's public, and she's less likely to make a scene. I'll get a booth.”

The hostess approached as Desiree grabbed her bag and walked toward Logan. He watched her closely, aware that she was avoiding looking at the baby. Her daughter. She seemed thinner and a little jittery. Nerves or drugs? It wouldn't surprise him to find out she was using.

“Hello, Desiree.”

Desiree gazed at Logan for a good long moment, her eyes searching his face, almost as if attempting to read his mind. James, he knew, hadn't discussed any of his thoughts or plans where the baby was concerned, and she had to be wondering what the fuck he was thinking, what he was doing here. Finally her eyes dropped and then widened when she focused on her daughter.

“Cinnamon? She got so big!”

“Yeah.” He couldn't keep the sarcasm out of his voice. “Babies do that.”

She shot him a look and he studied her face, looking for remorse, regret, anything…It wasn't there. What he did see was agitation, and that she wanted this meeting over as quickly as possible.

“Right this way.” The hostess picked up three menus and indicated the rear of the diner. Logan led with the baby, and he could hear James behind him talking to Desiree. The hostess grabbed a high chair from along the wall and positioned it against the table. Lowering Cinnamon into the seat, he grinned as the woman produced a couple of packets of graham crackers.

“Good move.”

“Experience.” She returned the smile, and then her eyes fell on Cinnamon. “What a beautiful baby! I'll bring some water and give you all a chance to look at the menu.”

Desiree spoke as soon as she left. “What do you want? Why have you come here? Do you want to give her back?”

“No,” Logan began, but James shook his head as the waitress placed the water glasses before them.

“Hi, I'm Susie, and I'm taking care of you. Are you ready to order or do you need a few more minutes?”

“Coffee and a BLT on rye toast,” James said, glancing at Logan.

“Same thing.”

When the waitress turned to Desiree, she shook her head. “I'm not hungry.”

Her penciled brows lifted. “Are you sure, honey? The waffles are really good today. And we have homemade chicken soup, if you're more in the mood for something warm.”

“I said I'm not hungry.”

The waitress shrugged as Desiree stared out the window, and then she smiled at the baby. “It looks like this little one is all set. How about some cereal or pudding?”

“I have her stuff.” Logan indicated the diaper bag. “But thanks anyway.”

The woman nodded, aware of the strange tension among the three adults. When she left, James reached for his briefcase and pulled out a sheaf of papers.

“You and I chatted briefly when we met day before yesterday,” he said softly. “I explained that I'm not an attorney, and that my job was to help Logan find you. I have spoken to Logan's lawyer, and I am aware that you had filed a paternity suit in the state of New Jersey, citing Logan as Cinnamon's father. You never showed up for the hearing.”

“I couldn't get back there for that,” she said, obviously on edge as her foot tapped restlessly on the floor. “My boyfriend and I broke up, and I didn't have the money to pay for a flight to New Jersey. Or anywhere else. I'm stuck working in this dive in Gainesville until I find a way out.”

James looked toward Logan, and then back to Desiree. “So what are your plans concerning Cinnamon?”

“Plans? I don't know what you mean.” She appeared confused.

“It means I want to keep her,” Logan said, interrupting, furious with her detached manner.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
His mind screamed.
This is your little girl, baby Cinnamon! Don't you care about her?

But he didn't say any of that; he and James had a strategy. It was important to stay calm and gain her cooperation.

Desiree's face betrayed her surprise, and she looked at the detective, who nodded in agreement. “Logan would like to become the child's legal guardian.”

The waitress returned with the sandwiches and coffee, placing them along with a bowl full of creamers on the table. “Will you be needing anything else?”

James shook his head and waited for her to retreat before speaking again.

“We don't need your consent; after all, you left him with the baby and haven't seen her in months. Like I said, I'm not a lawyer, but the court would consider that abandonment. And you can see she's been well taken care of.”

“She's been to the doctor, her weight is good, and she's doing everything she should at this age,” Logan added. “She is thriving, if you're worried about that.”

Which she obviously wasn't.

“What if I don't go along with all this?” She fingered the papers before her, looking uncertain.

“Then Logan would have to petition the court. Our concern is he is a single parent, male, and is a professional athlete who travels frequently. If the authorities doubt his ability to care for the child, the matter could be taken out of our hands.”

“She could wind up in foster care.” Logan's voice was harsh.

It finally seemed to occur to Desiree that Logan genuinely cared for the child. “You really want to do this? A baby is a lot of work and a lot of money. I can't help you with any of that. I have…health issues.”

For the first time, he noticed the black smudges beneath her eyes, and he remembered what the detective had told him. She was alone and scared, with no family to help her. It was clear she was in bad shape, emotionally and financially.

Still, her obvious lack of concern for the baby was hard to take.

“I'm not worried about the money,” Logan snarled.

“Then why did you come here?” She still faced James, but the question was directed at Logan.

“I wanted you to have a say in what happened to Cinnamon.” He managed to rein in his anger. “I want to give her a permanent home and a good life. I'm in a position to provide not only the material things she needs, but the emotional ones as well. I love Cinnamon. And I would do anything to protect her.”

There was a subtle threat in his voice that made Desiree flinch. As if knowing they were talking about her, Cinnamon cooed, smearing the cookie all over her face and grinning. Desiree watched as Logan dipped a napkin into his water and cleaned her up, but she still seemed hesitant.

“But did you…did you take that test?”

“You mean a DNA test?” When she nodded, Logan shrugged and gave the baby a spoonful of strained carrots from a jar in her bag. “Yeah. But at this point, it doesn't matter. I am her father, and I'm taking care of her.”

Her shoulders seemed to slump in relief as the baby clapped her hands in glee, and then opened her mouth for more vegetables. Logan plopped the tiny portion inside, and then expertly shaved her chin with the spoon. “I wanted you to know something else. You can see her whenever you want. I can send you pictures, progress reports…You can be a part of her life.”

“No.” Desiree swallowed hard and reached for the papers. Her eyes met Logan's and they were filled with resignation, and something else.

Regret?

“Not like this. I never thought things would turn out this way, and she deserves better. I didn't leave her with you because I didn't want her; I left her because I thought you'd give her a better chance. We didn't spend much time together, but I knew you were a decent guy. As far as I'm concerned, she's in good hands.” She glanced at James and refused to look at her daughter again.

“Where do I sign?” She scrawled her signature across the papers, grabbed her bag, and then rose from the booth. She stopped when she reached the edge of the table and sucked in a breath.

“You know, she cost me a lot in the beginning, babysitters and all. And I owe some people some money. Do you think…”

“How much?” Logan cut her off.

“Three thousand?” she asked.

The sympathy he felt for her earlier vanished. Once again he noticed her agitation and wondered if she needed to score. He and James exchanged glances, and then Logan reached for his checkbook.

“I'd prefer cash,” Desiree began, and Logan ignored her, scribbling the amount and signing his name.

“We're done. Understood?” He gave her a look that promised trouble if she tried to hit him up again.

“Thanks.” She disappeared through the diner doors and didn't look back.

The detective shook his head in disgust. “It's like she sold her baby.”

“I got away cheap,” Logan remarked, picking up Cinnamon and putting her into his lap for a proper cleanup. “Don't think I don't know it.”