Hard to Hold (19 page)

“Isabella, thank God I caught you. It's Patty.”

She was on her way to Logan's condo, determined to face him and tell him why she left, whatever his reaction. But she froze upon hearing her employer's voice.

“Patty? Is everything okay? Logan and the baby…?”

“No, nothing like that,” Patty hastened to reassure her. “They are fine. It's just that the woman I had covering for you had a personal emergency and can't take care of Cinnamon.”

“Oh, my God!” Isabella stopped in her tracks. “Is Cinnamon—”

“It's okay. She's with Logan. They…found the baby's mother.”

“Desiree?” Isabella didn't think this day could get crazier. “They located her?”

“Yes. She is living in Florida. The detective Logan hired advised him to come down immediately, before she disappeared again. He took Cinnamon with him.”

“By himself?”

“Yes. I think he was just going down for the day, a fly-in, fly-out, but you know it's not easy with a baby.”

She couldn't even picture it. Logan had come a long way, but traveling with an infant was a whole other ball game. Sometimes babies on planes were fine; other times they could be a nightmare.

“So I know you have no obligation here, and I'd completely understand if you wanted nothing to do with the situation, but I was just wondering if—”

“I'll go,” Isabella said, cutting her off. “I was actually on my way to see Logan anyway. I will take care of the baby until you can get a permanent replacement.”

Patty breathed an audible sigh of relief. “Are you sure? It sounded like things didn't end well between you.”

“Yes,” Isabella said firmly. “Absolutely sure. This was my fault, and Cinnamon deserves better. And I owe Logan more than to run out on him without an explanation, and without giving him time to find a replacement. I was wrong, I realize that now.”

“Thank you.” Patty said.

“No thanks needed.” Isabella sighed. “It's the right thing to do, something that I should have kept in mind all along. But he may not want to see me, or have me take care of the baby. I think we need to be prepared for that.”

“Got it,” her employer responded. “And sweetie?”

“Yes?”

“Good luck.”

Isabella hung up.
Good luck
. She was certainly going to need it.

When she got to the door of his condo, Isabella rang the bell and waited, not really surprised when no one answered.

Logan was in Florida.

Seeing Desiree.

What was he facing, meeting the woman who had put him in this predicament to begin with? Would Desiree want her child back? Would Logan release Cinnamon into her custody, knowing how easily she had abandoned her before?

She couldn't even imagine what he was going through. And he was alone in this, forced to handle a flight with his baby daughter and no one to help him.

She winced at the image of Logan struggling with the baby, of packing and diaper bags, feeding and changing, all the while dealing with the emotional meeting of Cinnamon's mother…it had to be awful. She wasn't at all sure how Logan would react to her presence when he returned, and she couldn't blame him if he told her to go fuck herself.

Her key still worked. Breathing a sigh of relief, she entered the condo and glanced around. There were a couple of bottles in the dishwasher and an empty cereal bowl. She could hand wash those rather than run the machine through all of the cycles.

She opened the fridge and saw that he was out of almost everything. Formula. Baby food. People food. He probably didn't have much time to take care of all that before he left.

Venturing into the nursery, she saw that they needed baby wipes, and the bag of disposable diapers was nearly empty. There was nothing in the hamper, which meant that the baby's bedding needed to be changed. Immediately, she stripped the sheets from Cinnamon's crib, replacing them with fresh ones from the linen closet. These were little things she could do to help Logan, to ease his burden when he came back. She could run to the grocery store, pick up something nice for dinner, and restock whatever the baby needed…

Then it occurred to her that he might return without his daughter. It suddenly became hard to take a breath, and she sank down on a chair, feeling as if she had just been punched in the stomach.

Logan thought she was gone. Even though someone else had stepped in, her replacement had already proven unreliable. He assumed he was alone again with Cinnamon. Would that be a factor when he met with Desiree?

Bringing Cinnamon's quilt to her face, she breathed in her baby scent and couldn't stop the sting of tears in her eyes.

Please, dear God, let them both come back together
. For she knew now more than ever, not only was she in love with Logan; she loved his daughter, too.

And couldn't bear the thought of losing either one of them.

On the return flight home, Logan closed his eyes, reliving the past few hours.

He had shaken James's hand with sincere gratitude, aware that the man had done the impossible by finding Cinnamon's mother. For him to do that on his own would have been like trying to find a needle in a fucking haystack, but the man had not only located her but had helped him obtain a signed agreement for him to become the baby's legal guardian.

She was now his daughter, in every sense of the word. He hadn't expected the enormous flood of relief that he would experience in getting things resolved with Desiree, and he was pleasantly surprised. It was as if something awful had been hanging over his head all this time: at any moment, this little girl whom he had grown to love could be snatched away from him.

Yes, love
. He'd been a fucking idiot. It was past time to stop avoiding what he felt, for both Bella and the baby. In that moment when he faced Desiree, it was crystal clear to him that Cinnamon wasn't just an obligation.

He loved her
. She was his daughter.

He'd been scared to death that Desiree would take her back. That wouldn't happen now. He was free to make permanent plans for her, to think in terms of a house with a backyard and a good school system where Cinnamon could play and grow up.

Yet even as he pictured the little two-story cottage he had spotted on Zillow, he knew what was missing:

Bella. Now that the dust had settled where the baby was concerned, he had to find her and set things right with her. Anna knew where she was, and he had a suspicion that Patty did, too. As soon as he got home, he would seek Isabella out, tell her that he loved her and wanted her back in his life, not just now but forever.

What they had between them was real. Logan thought about the diamond he had seen in the local Princeton jewelry store, a beautiful emerald-cut stone that would suit her glamorous style. It was balls to the walls time, and shame on him if he didn't close the fucking deal.

Cinnamon yawned in his arms as the plane touched down. It had been a smooth flight, and the baby had slept through the entire flight, as if even she knew everything was all right now.

The captain announced that it was okay to turn on electronic devices while the plane taxied on the runway. Logan powered up his cell and saw that Isabella had tried to call several times. The relief he felt before was nothing compared to what he experienced now, and he had to fight the urge to return her call immediately. No, it was better to speak face-to-face. He had to see her, touch her, and hold her.

Now that he had his daughter, it was time to get his girl.

Isabella heard the key turn in the lock and realized Logan was home. Turning off the TV, she got to her feet and came to the door, holding her breath in anticipation.

Would he be happy to see her? Would he be, as Anna suggested, pissed? And what about Cinnamon? Was the baby now back with her mother—easier for Logan maybe, but devastating for them all?

She nearly collapsed in relief as he entered the hallway holding Cinnamon in his arms.

“Logan! You still have her! Oh, thank God!”

She was babbling, she knew it, but Isabella couldn't help it. He was back, and so was the baby.

Maybe it wasn't too late.

Maybe she hadn't lost everything after all.

“Bella?” Logan gazed at her in confusion. “You're here! What happened to…” He glanced around the condo in confusion.

“She left. Apparently something personal came up, so I told Patty I would help out. At least until you found someone else.”

She had promised herself she wouldn't cry, and she reached for the baby, grateful for the distraction. But as soon as the little girl was back in her arms, gazing up at her with those big blue eyes and grinning in recognition, she couldn't help it. Her heart wrenched, unleashing a torrent of emotion inside of her. Pain. Joy. Fear.

Love.

But was it returned? Had Logan changed his mind about her?

“Are you out of your mind?” His voice was rough and thick, and he pulled them both into his arms. “Of course I want you back. I've been going crazy, not knowing what had happened to you.”

Relief flooded through her, blessed relief. He hadn't shut the door on her after all. It took her a moment to respond, but when she looked up, he was smiling at her.

At them.

“Logan, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have left like that. I was just so confused and overwhelmed, I couldn't think.” Her eyes met his and she sucked in a breath. She knew what she had to say, and couldn't keep putting it off. “We need to talk. There's something I should have told you a long time ago, as soon as we got involved. It might change your mind about us. About me.”

“Doubt that.” Logan grinned, easing away and indicating the baby. “Let's get her situated first. I saw Desiree and got everything worked out. I'll tell you all about it.”

Isabella nodded, and then took the baby to the nursery as Logan went to the car for his bag. She gave the little girl a sponge bath, changed her diaper, and put on her pajamas. As if on cue, Cinnamon yawned as soon as she laid her on the fresh sheets and was soon fast asleep.

When she returned to the living room, Logan dropped his bag in the hall and put away the stroller. He joined her a moment later, bringing two glasses of wine with him, handing one to her as he sat down on the couch.

“Logan,” Isabella began, but he cut her off.

“Bella, before you explain, I think there's something I need to tell you. I realize we didn't start out the way we should, as two people meeting, dating, and developing a relationship. I know that now, and maybe I took your presence and commitment to me and the baby for granted. I'm sorry if that's the case. I should've told you a long time ago that I love you, more than anything else in the world, and I want you in my life now and forever.”

To his surprise, she burst into tears. “Oh, Logan,” she began as he pulled her into his arms. “I love you, too, but sometimes that's not enough.”

“I don't understand.” He lifted her face and gently wiped away a tear. “To me, that's everything. You're in it for the whole deal, good or bad. So why did you run away? What was so bad you didn't think you could tell me, trust me?”

“It's not like that. It's just that you…are such a great man, and I only want the best for you.”

“Then that's you.”

“No.” She shook her head in the negative and drew in a deep breath. “Logan, you need to know before you say anything else that there is something wrong with me. Physically.”

“Are you sick?” His hand tightened on hers and she realized what he thought.

“No. Not like you think.”

“Then what?”

She took the plunge and blurted, “I can't have children.”

She waited for his reaction, the disappointment and rejection she had feared for so long. Instead, his brows narrowed, as if he was trying to digest her words.

“What does that mean? Physically, you can't have kids?”

She nodded. “Yes. I have a condition called endometriosis. It causes the lining of the uterus to grow outside of it, like scar tissue. For some people, it isn't much of a problem except for painful cramps, but for me…my fallopian tubes are blocked. It's very unlikely that I could ever get pregnant.”

“But it's not dangerous or anything…”

“No. But it means I can't give you a child of your own.” Isabella's eyes filled with tears again. “And you are so good with kids, you deserve all that. Brothers and sisters for Cinnamon. I know you come from a big family, and you enjoy and value that connection. I can't do that for you.”

She waited on edge for his reaction, the inevitable disappointment, and the words she dreaded.

I'm sorry, this won't work. I care about you but…

To her astonishment, Logan's hand dropped from her shoulder and he broke out laughing. “That's it?”

“Isn't it enough?
I can't get pregnant
.” Now she was the one confused.

“Do you honestly think because of that, I wouldn't want you?” He shook his head in disbelief. “Bella, I'm on the road all the time. It would be difficult, and maybe even unfair, to bring more children into this world when I'm not in a position to be a full-time father. I plan to make the best of things, to have you and Cinnamon join me on the road whenever you can. To do that with one child is hard. A bunch of kids? Impossible.”

“But—didn't you plan to have a family?”

He smiled warmly. “I have one. If I ever take another position, retire and maybe coach and we want more kids, we can adopt some. Having met with Desiree, and understanding what would've happened to my daughter if left with her mother…It's hard for me to even think about it without getting furious. But it made me realize there are lots of kids out there who, through no fault of their own, are living in bad circumstances and could use a good home. We could provide that. Together.”

“So you're really okay with this?” The fear fell from her like a lead cape. Was it really possible that he wanted her, limitations and all? That it had all been in her own head?

“Bella, don't you understand? I love you. Sure, mainly for your sake it would be better if you could experience having a child of your own. But if that's not in the cards, I don't see it as a major problem. We have a baby right here. I don't know if that's enough for you, but you and Cinnamon? That's all I'll ever need.”

“Oh, my God, Logan, I love you!” Isabella wrapped her arms around Logan even as he pulled her into his embrace. He smoothed the lock of hair that had fallen on her cheek, and his eyes met hers.

“I love you, too. And I meant what I said. I want you in my life until we are old and gray, grandparents to our baby girl's kids. And I should have had the guts to tell you that a long time ago, and not just string you along. I got it, and I'll do better going forward. But I do need something from you.”

“Anything,” she said, her heart pounding with joy and relief. “Anything.”

“Please don't ever take off like that again without talking to me.” The crystal blue gaze was wretched. “You don't know what that did to me. There are going to be times when things are hard. I will make mistakes, hurt you, and you will, too. The only way it will work is if you talk to me, give me a chance, and I will do my best to make you happy. Is that a deal?”

“Yes.” Isabella's heart pounded so hard it almost hurt. “That's more than a deal. It's a promise.”