Authors: Donna Alward
She looked out the kitchen window. Noah was climbing into his truck, but he paused and gazed back at the house, as though he was looking for her, asking her to follow him. She took her purse from a hook behind the door and wished everyone a good-night. Went to her car and got in behind the wheel. Drove into town and down the main drag toward her subdivision at the far west end.
But partway there she turned south, headed toward the little gray house where she knew he was waiting. He had asked for her help. And as much as it frightened her, she knew that whenever Noah asked for her, she’d be there.
Noah’s truck was parked in the driveway and Lily pulled in behind it. He’d said he needed help with something.
Considering the wedding was tomorrow, she hoped it had nothing to do with his tuxedo. His continuing therapy meant he was getting stronger, and the work on the ranch had kept him in shape. But surely everything still fit. The measurements had only been taken a little over a month ago.
The door was unlocked, and Lily walked through the quiet house to the back door. She found him sitting on the step, his arm folded over his knee as he stared past the back fence to the line of shrubs marking the back alley.
“Nice night,” she commented softly.
“We survived.”
“It helped having a partner in crime.”
Lily smiled, sitting down beside him, the hem of her skirt tickling the back of her ankles. Noah had stood beside Andrew at the front of the church as the pianist played a Rachmaninov rhapsody and the minister issued directions as she was walking. It had all felt scripted and silly and with his back to the minister, Noah had rolled his eyes at her, making her smile bloom. They’d walked through the order of service and then it had been over. Jen’s mom had placed the simple pew markers on the ends of the benches during the rehearsal, and in the morning, Kristin, the local florist, would deliver the floral arrangements. It had been particularly well-organized in true Jen fashion.
As she sat next to Noah, saying nothing in the twilight, she felt an emptiness open inside her. These moments happened more and more often as Jen’s big day approached. Lily had never had a wedding rehearsal. Never had pew markers or special cloths for tables or a maid of honor. And she’d been okay with it, because she and Curtis had made their own plans.
She sighed. She would get through tomorrow.
At her sigh, Noah shifted over a few inches closer and put his arm around her, pulling her close so that her head fit into the curve of his shoulder.
She wasn’t the only one dreading the formalities. Somehow they’d both get through it. She’d make sure of it.
“Busy day today.” He spoke quietly; it fit the softness of the evening.
“Busier one tomorrow. First the ceremony and then the reception and dance.”
“Yeah.”
“So what’s the emergency?” She stayed where she was, wanting just a few minutes more of the accord she seemed to find when she was in his embrace. “You said you needed help with something. Is it the tux?”
“No, the suit’s great. They even pinned the sleeves in place during the final fitting. All I need to do is put it on. It’s…” He hesitated. “It’s the dance.”
Her mouth formed a round O. “I see.”
His breath fanned warmly on her hair as he turned his head the slightest bit. “I never thought of it until today when Jen was talking about Andrew dancing with her mother and she with her father tomorrow night…and I realized that I’ll probably have obligations, as well.”
“Not if you don’t want to. I’m sure if you explain…Jen won’t hold you to those traditions.”
“I still have two legs, Lily. And I work really hard to avoid anyone making allowances for me. Or excuses.”
“Don’t I know it.” It was one of the things that drove her crazy—his stubbornness—but also something she admired so much. He worked so hard at being self-reliant.
“We’re going to dance together, Lil.”
He shortened her name and it sent curls of intimacy spiraling through her. Dancing with him tomorrow would be easy. There would be people there, friends and guests and it was expected. But here, tonight, she was afraid.
“It’ll be fine, don’t worry,” she reassured him lightly.
But at her flippant tone he removed his arm from around her shoulders and got up from the step, moving inside, leaving her sitting in the cold that settled over the open prairie on a clear night.
She shivered, felt guilty. He had honestly asked for her help and she had brushed him off, simply because she cared about him too much. Because she wanted him at least as much as she
didn’t
want him—perhaps more. Because she was
afraid
. Even to her, that reasoning was flawed.
She got up and followed him inside. He was standing in the middle of the living room, the protective wall he tended to build around himself back in place again. What was it that made him so easy for her to read? Why did she want to?
“I’m sorry, Noah. I didn’t mean to make light of it. Of course you’re self-conscious.”
Noah turned, seeing Lily silhouetted by the pale light coming through the back door. Did she really think this was about him being embarrassed about his arm? He couldn’t care less. But perhaps it was better this way. Maybe it was better than her knowing that what he really feared was disappointing her tomorrow. She had been there for him for weeks, and he knew she was dreading the wedding as much as he was…. He wanted to leave her with a good memory of the day. She deserved it. Suddenly he stopped caring about what he looked like, or what people said; he just wanted to be able to dance with her and not have it be a disaster. He wasn’t even sure if he could hold her properly.
“I can’t hold you the traditional way,” he admitted. “And I don’t want us to try to figure this out in front of a hundred people tomorrow.”
“What do you want to do?”
“I want to dance with you.”
“Now?” Her lips parted as she took two steps forward. His memory was assaulted by the soft smell of her perfume, a little bit floral, a little bit citrusy as she’d leaned against him outside. He wanted to be that strong man for her, just this once.
“Now,” he murmured, closing the distance between them. “Away from everyone. Just you and me.” He swallowed, wondering how it was he wanted to confide in her the very reason he was afraid. Wanted to tell her about all the doubts he was having about what he’d done, where his life was going, the upcoming decisions he knew he had to make. It was more than a physical demanding, though there was definitely that aspect. His body’s reaction to her was loud and clear.
The trouble was, he wanted to share everything with her, and he was afraid she’d hand it right back to him with a no-thank-you. How could he expect her to overcome his disfigurement when he could hardly stand to look at himself in the mirror? He couldn’t hide the missing arm. But he had successfully hidden the other angry effects of that morning in the desert.
“My right arm is less than half and I…I don’t want you to be turned off tomorrow. Hell,” he breathed, unable to look into her eyes any longer, turning away from the pity he saw there. “I’d give anything to have two good arms to hold you with right now.”
The silence bore down on him until he heard the sound of her steps behind him. There was the click of the stereo and the sound of her putting the remote control down on the shelf. Soft music played quietly behind him and every muscle in his body tensed. He could imagine holding her close, moving their feet together. Why was it that at these moments, he would swear he could still feel his hand, longing to reach out and touch her? To feel her hair between his fingers? He closed his eyes, unable to fight the tingling sensation as his brain’s memory warred with reality. Hating it and yet trying to imprint it on his memory anyway.
And then her hand was there, warm against the flat of his back. “Then dance with me, Noah.”
Slowly he turned, saw her looking up at him with caring and acceptance. He’d hidden things from her for so long—bouts of phantom pain and discomfort and the annoyances of having to deal with mundane tasks. He’d gotten quite good at it. But now, she held up her right palm and he placed his left one against it as her body came closer to his; only a whisper apart. He could not pull her close as he wanted, and held himself stiffly, hating his injury more now than he had in any moment since he’d awoken in Kandahar after the firefight.
And then Lily reached out with her left hand, slid her arm around his back and pressed her body lightly against his.
He swallowed, wishing for the first time for a prosthetic so he could at least pretend to hold her as a man should.
He cupped her hand in his and shuffled his feet along to the music, feeling her sway with him as they took small steps in the dark living room. In years past, he would have used his right hand to stroke her back, or toy with the hair at the back of her neck. Tonight he could do none of those things. Tonight he was more attracted to her than he’d ever been to any woman, and he was helpless to do anything about it, even as they quietly moved in a slow circle. Tonight he wanted to explain to her about all his injuries, to show his scars. But to do that would be sending her away, and he couldn’t do it. Not yet. So he prayed that she held on and that the song wouldn’t end too soon.
Lily bit down on her lip, the feelings pulsing through her raw and real. She’d realized right away that by holding her right hand traditionally, he would not have a hand to put at her waist. Instead, she’d put hers around him, moving carefully so she wouldn’t bump his arm. As a solo voice and guitar
wooed the air around them, their feet had started moving, and his fingers had tightened over hers almost painfully.
He could have simply gone against tradition and not danced tomorrow. But instead he was allowing himself to be vulnerable, to do something despite his disability, despite how it would look. She was glad…so glad. Being held against him, swaying with him in the dark was the sweetest thing she’d ever known.
Her hand slid up his right shoulder blade, stroking against the cotton, every fibre in her body vibrating with life, like smooth ripples on a pond. With a mixture of wonderment and fear, she let her fingers glide over the crest of his shoulder and slowly, testing, over the tricep of his arm, to where she felt the silicone cap beneath his shirt.
His muscles tightened beneath her touch, his whole body alert, and she held her breath, moving her fingertips back to the line of his shoulder, up to his neck, across the line where his hair met his collar. And back down again, wanting, needing to know all of him.
“Lily,” he whispered, but she cut off any refusal he could utter.
“I don’t want to pretend it doesn’t exist,” she whispered, letting her hand rest where his collarbone met his shoulder. “It’s part of who you are.”
“Only a part,” he whispered bitterly, his feet halting.
But she looked up at him, his dark eyes mere shadows shining down at her. “Yes, Noah. Only one part. Why won’t you share it with me?”
He seemed to struggle for a few moments for an answer. When it came, his voice was rough and raw, as if it physically hurt to speak.
“Because I want to be perfect for you.”
At that moment, Lily felt herself going. Sliding out of the life she’d built for herself into a place so painfully sweet it
stole her breath. There was nothing she could do to stop the rush of feeling.
“You are,” she whispered. She took her hand from his and framed his face with her fingers. “Oh, Noah, you are.”
His eyes glittered at her as the music stopped. With his left arm free, he looped it around her waist and pulled her against his chest. Then he lowered his head and kissed her until all the reasons against them scattered like the stars.
“Y
OU LOOK BEAUTIFUL
, J
EN
.”
Lily stood back, staring at her best friend, who simply beamed as she stood in the middle of the bedroom. Lily blinked back a small tear as the photographer snapped a candid photo of the two of them together. The intrusion was a welcome one for Lily. The last thing she wanted to do was get overly emotional today. Knowing there was always the chance of being snapped, she kept her features well schooled.
Jen reached out and took her hand. “And so do you. The dresses are so lovely, Lily. I can’t thank you enough.”
Lily felt the sting again and covered it by giving Jen a quick hug. “You are a gorgeous and happy bride,” she whispered. “That’s all the thanks I need.”
She turned away and retrieved the bouquets still sitting in their tissue and boxes on the bed. “Now you are ready. I have the ring and you have your flowers and there is a surprise for you outside.”
“A surprise?” Jen rushed to the window. “Oh, Lily!”
Lily smiled. “We can’t have you going to the wedding in my old car, can we? We’re going to ride in style. But she’s not much for speed. We should get going.”
With a delighted giggle, Jen rushed to the door and outside,
holding up her tiny train as she tripped down the walk. Lily sighed and followed, carrying a small bag with makeup fixes and the ring. Outside she met Jen by the side of a horse-drawn black buggy.
“Wherever did it come from?”
Lily laughed, she couldn’t help it. Jen had planned the day meticulously, but she hadn’t suspected a thing. “Mrs. Dodds knows a lot of people. It’s from Noah and me.”
“You two…” Jen paused, her hand in the driver’s and her toes on the foot plate. “You really are a pair, aren’t you.”
Lily shook her head, denying the flash of elation she felt at being paired up with Noah for real. She motioned for the driver to help Jen up to the seat. “No, we’re not,” she replied, following suit and settling on the cushioned seat. She refused to let Jen see how complicated it all was. Especially after last night. The memory of those few stolen minutes still made her dizzy. Remembering his mouth on hers, or the way his arm had pulled her tight against his muscled body. “We’re friends, that’s all. That’s what you said you wanted,” she reminded Jen. The last thing she wanted was for Jen to know she and Noah had kissed. More than once. It was fragile enough without outside interference.
With a flick of the reins by the driver, the buggy jolted and they were on their way.
“Besides,” Lily continued before Jen could reply, “today is your day. Your wedding. Noah and I should be way down on your list of discussable topics.”
“I can’t believe it’s happening.” Jen’s hands fidgeted in her lap. “For so many years, I thought we’d lost our chance, you know?” Jen’s eyes lit with anticipation.
Lily smiled, pushing back the bittersweet memory of her own wedding excitement only moments before it had gone so
desperately wrong. Jen would have a perfect day. Lily would make sure of it.
“Are you nervous?”
“A little.” Jen pressed her hand to her belly. “I don’t know why. I’ve wanted this since forever.”
“Just remember who is waiting for you at the end of the aisle,” Lily advised, running a hand over the skirt of her pink dress. Noah would be standing at the front with Andrew. Noah would be in his tuxedo. The same Noah who had held her and danced with her and kissed her last night until she was sure her heart would break with love. The strong, irascible man had shown her his vulnerable side. And it had turned everything she thought she knew on its head.
Noah
.
“Oh, Lily, listen!”
The church bells were clanging in the summer breeze and Lily’s smile wobbled. It wasn’t fair to make comparisons. But when had life truly been fair? She wouldn’t begrudge her friend this moment for all the world. But it wasn’t fair that Lily had been cheated out of one wedding, and it wasn’t fair that now, when she finally fell in love again, it was with the wrong man.
They pulled up to the church as the bells ceased pealing, the photographer pulling up behind in his car and getting out. “Give me a few minutes to get into position,” he instructed, while Jen’s mom and dad waited on the church steps.
Lily got out of the carriage and took Jen’s flowers while she got down, holding the skirt gingerly and revealing white satin pumps. Lily straightened the gown, then brushed her hand down her own, smoothing out any wrinkles. It had been Jen’s wish that they both wear strapless gowns, but Lily suddenly felt self-conscious in the obvious concession to femininity. What would Noah think, seeing the floor-length pink confection? How would he look at her as she stepped
onto the navy carpet runner? Things between them hadn’t ended well last night. She had apologized, of all things, stammering and babbling while he stood motionless in the center of the room. She’d had her hand on the doorknob when he’d finally spoken, saying her name and how he would see her at the wedding.
He’d been in control, and she’d felt all at sea and needing to run. Or at least she thought he’d been in control.
She arranged her hair over her shoulders, making sure the pearl-headed pins holding back several curls were secure. What would he say the moment he took her arm to leave the church? And then there were pictures, and being seated together, and…
Her breaths shallowed and she felt slightly light-headed. Oh, this would never do. She couldn’t truly be in love with him, she decided. It was the wedding spinning a spell, weaving fanciful magic. It was all the time they’d spent together, that was all. She’d been careful not to go out on more than a few dates with any one man for years, avoiding entanglement.
But that had all changed when her best friend had asked for a favor. And perhaps that long drought had made her thirsty. And Noah was too tempting to resist.
The fact remained that he would be returning to his army life. It had just been last night, and the wedding preparations, and the music in the dark. It would have enchanted anyone. He had kissed her, that was all.
She squared her shoulders, inhaling deeply, the scent of flowers and fresh-cut hay and sunshine filling her nostrils as she climbed the church steps ahead of Lily and her parents. She hid the bag of makeup beneath the guest book table, removing the large gold wedding band and slipping it over her thumb for safekeeping. She smiled at Andrew’s friends, Clay and Dawson, who were in suits rather than jeans and boots,
and acting as ushers today. Clay threw her a wink as he stepped inside the sanctuary door, escorting Mrs. O’Keefe to her seat while the pianist played something soft and pretty.
And then the music stopped and Clay and Dawson took their own seats.
Lily turned to Jen, who was already holding her father’s arm, and adjusted the simple veil over Jen’s shoulders. “See you at the front,” she whispered, smiling.
She turned and took the first step onto the carpet, clutching her bouquet until her knuckles turned white.
Andrew was there, standing at the bottom of the steps, but it wasn’t his face that held her attention. It was Noah’s, beside him, his deep blue gaze warm with something so intimate she felt herself flush all over. The makings of a smile flirted with the corners of his mouth as his eyes telegraphed his approval.
You look beautiful
, they seemed to say. She blinked, wondering why on earth she should feel the need to cry walking up the aisle as a bridesmaid.
And oh, he looked so handsome, so straight and tall, his broad chest highlighted by the cut of the jacket and the white tie bobbing at his throat as he swallowed.
Then she was at the front, on the other side of the altar from him, and with a shaky breath, she turned her attention to the woman at the door of the church.
The music swelled and the congregation rose as Jen entered, the town sweetheart, the woman who had somehow wound herself into the hearts of everyone present. Lily couldn’t help the smile that lit her face when Jen’s and Andrew’s gazes met, so filled with love and hope.
Something made her glance over at Noah and she saw a tiny wrinkle in his brow. He stared at Jen and then looked over at Lily, a question in his eyes. She had hoped he wouldn’t remember. Wouldn’t recall that the dress she’d worn that day
had been different. But he hadn’t just seen it, he’d touched it, the tiny straps and the zipper along her back. She shivered as she remembered his fingers on her skin.
The minister opened with a prayer and the giving away of the bride. He asked the question—if anyone opposed the marriage they should speak now—and Lily froze, her heartbeat stuttering as her fingers clenched the roses and sweet peas painfully. This was where her own fairy tale had ended. She bit her lip and tried to focus on the minister’s words instead of her memories, but it didn’t work. The flurry of excitement, the angry words, the tears. She had never spoken the vows, or put on the plain gold ring, or tasted the first kiss of marriage. It had all ended with a single word.
If anyone has reason why these two should not be joined…Yes
.
But the minister moved on and the rest of the ceremony happened in a daze. Lily held Jen’s bouquet during the vows, and while she and Andrew sealed their marriage with a first kiss. She saw Andrew’s lashes fall as he leaned in, and an image of Noah in the dark flashed through her mind like heat lightning. Her lips tingled, remembering how she’d melted against him, let him into all the dark corners of her heart, how little fingers of need had clung to him even as the kiss had softly ended. Their eyes met while Jen and Andrew kissed, and Lily knew he hadn’t forgotten, either. His hooded gaze dropped to her lips and back up, leaving her as breathless as if he’d kissed her.
A soloist from the church sang as Jen and Andrew signed the wedding register. Then it was Lily’s turn, and Noah’s. He held her flowers as she sat at the small table, signing her name on the witness lines. She tried not to think of how sexy he looked, all done up in his tux, holding a posy of white peony roses and pale pink sweet peas. When she finished, she met his eyes briefly as she took back the flowers, their fingers
grazing. The slight contact played havoc with her senses, a jolt from her fingertips to her core. She watched, fascinated, as his tongue came out to wet his lips.
She wondered how on earth it could feel as if they’d held a conversation over the past half hour when the ceremony had prevented either of them from uttering a word.
Then he moved away, taking his place at the table and with concentrated effort, signed his name where designated. Lily noticed the letters were much neater than before. Day by day he was improving. Day by day he was one step closer to rejoining his life.
And then the ceremony was over, and her fingers gripped her bouquet tightly as her right hand rested on Noah’s arm. Amidst the recessional and the clapping, they made their way down the aisle and into the bright sunshine.
There were a blessed few moments where confusion reigned as the church emptied. Noah shifted his arm, catching Lily’s fingers within his own instead. “You look amazing,” he murmured, leaning close to her ear as guests spilled out into the parking lot and green grass surrounding the church.
Lily smiled up at him, determined to put things back on an even footing. “Thank you. And you look very dashing.”
He smiled back briefly, but then it faded. “Lily, about last night…”
She felt that familiar turning in her tummy that happened every time he spoke to her with that soft, but gruff voice. And yet the day was difficult enough without adding their troubles to it. “Let’s just forget it,” she suggested. “Why don’t we try to enjoy the day? We’re partners in crime, remember?” She let her eyes twinkle up at him. “It isn’t right to admit to hating weddings while you’re attending one, I suppose.”
“So you’re just using me to survive the festivities?”
If he only knew. But the truth was, even if she did feel some
thing for him she had never expected to feel again, nothing had changed. What did she want from him? Certainly not marriage. The very idea sent an ache pulsing through her, and a panicky need to keep things as uncomplicated as possible.
“Why don’t we just enjoy each other?” Lily saw the photographer bearing down on them and squeezed his hand. “We’re friends, and I like you. A lot, in case you didn’t notice.” She attempted a saucy smile. “Let’s just leave it at that. Can’t we have fun in the time we have?” If he caught the note of desperation in her voice, he ignored it.
Noah paused, and their gazes tangled for a few moments before his eyes lightened. “Sure we can. Although fun is something that hasn’t been on my radar for a while.”
“Then maybe it’s time.”
“Miss Germaine? Mr. Laramie? I need you for wedding party pictures.”
Lily gathered her skirt in her fingers. “Come on then. Let’s get this over with. I can bear it if you can.”
The photographer gave orders, arranging the two couples on the church’s stone steps with the large double doors behind them. There were pictures with Lily and Jen together, their skirts and flowers artistically arranged, and shots of the two brothers. There were many photographs with Jen and Andrew while Lily and Noah and the guests that hadn’t gone to the community hall for the reception watched. One woman stood alone from the others, slim and almost drawn within herself, as though she was trying to be inconspicuous. But Lily twigged to something about the fine cheekbones, and the deep-set eyes. The resemblance wasn’t immediately apparent, but it was there.
“Is that her, Noah?” Lily whispered. “Standing over by the shrubs?”
“Yes, that’s her.” There was an underlying note of steel in his voice.
“Did you speak to her?”
“And say what? Hello is not enough. And anything more is unthinkable.”
Still, he refused to look over at the woman and Lily squeezed his fingers. “You’re right.”
Andrew called their names again and Noah sighed with irritation. “What happened to fun? I am duty bound to remind you of the color of your dress. Pink, Lily. Very, very pink.”
He winked at her, tugging her hand again and leading her to where the bride and groom waited. “Fun. It’s what you said you wanted. So come on.”