Authors: Donna Alward
He stepped back, swallowing hard, exerting restraint and keeping his fingers to himself. “There you go. Good as new. I’ll wait for you downstairs.”
Lily heard his footsteps muffled on the carpet of the stairs. She gathered the sagging skirt up in her hands and rushed back into the bedroom. She let the gown drop to the floor and hurriedly shoved on her jeans and put on a bra and light sweater. Good as new indeed. If he only knew.
She’d wanted him to touch her, so badly she had ached. She’d wanted to feel his fingers on her skin, wanted him to slide the straps off her shoulders and she’d wanted to turn into his embrace, feeling his warm body against hers.
But he’d turned away, and she just thanked God she hadn’t been brazen enough to do it and make a fool of herself. Clearly he was not feeling the same incendiary attraction that she was.
She had to stop thinking of him this way. He’d made it clear that Lazy L was just a pit stop on the road to his recovery, and that was just fine with her. But she couldn’t get him out of her mind. And she wasn’t thinking about him in a best man kind of way….
Now he was waiting for her to go for a drive, and her body was still humming from the simple contact of his fingers on her skin. How could she possibly go with him? But if she backed out now he’d know how desperately he’d affected her. No, she had to go downstairs and act as if nothing had happened. She grabbed a hair elastic and wound her hair into a ponytail. She would go for a drive with him. They would have
fun
and forget all about this one-sided sexual attraction business. And she would not allow herself to feel let down that instead of kissing her again as she wanted, he had walked away.
It was for the best. Kissing Noah wouldn’t lead anywhere.
When she went downstairs she found him outside on the deck, looking at the long range of mountains to the west. “Sorry about the mess,” she said, going out to meet him.
“That’s all right. I was just admiring the view.” He didn’t look at her, just rested his elbow on the wood railing while the sun glinted off his hair. “How’d the shower go?”
“Oh, as you’d expect. Lots of women talking about girlie things and a predominance of the color pink.” She smiled softly. “You wouldn’t have enjoyed it at all.”
“You might be surprised. Women and food in one location. It’s hard to find a downside.”
Lily smiled shyly, remembering once again how his fingers had felt on her skin. “Noah Laramie, are you flirting with the maid of honor?”
He paused for a minute, as if deliberating an answer. What he said wasn’t at all what she expected.
“It’s been a long day. I felt the need to get away.”
Somehow Lily found the courage to ask what she was dying to know. “So you came to me?”
“Yeah.” He smiled at her, just the hint of his dimple taunting. “Yeah, Lily. I came to you.”
Lily struggled to keep everything normal. “You must be
relieved to have some measure of freedom these days,” she remarked, leaning her elbows on the deck railing, trying to shift the subject. His admission had made her heart beat way too fast. “No more putting up with my driving.”
“Your driving wasn’t so bad.” He smiled, treating her to a sidelong glance before gazing back out over the trees and fields. “But I’m glad I don’t have to inconvenience you and Andrew anymore.”
“I don’t think either of us minded.”
He paused for a few moments, as though he was on the verge of saying something but changed his mind. He rolled his thumb in a circle. “Even so. I don’t like to be beholden to people.”
She wasn’t offended by his independent streak anymore; she admired it. Even if it did make him stubborn to deal with at times. At least he knew what he wanted and didn’t back away from it.
“So, where are we going?”
He turned away from the view at last. “The mountains. I’ve been staring at them for nearly a month. With working and appointments and wedding plans, there hasn’t been an opportunity to go.”
Lily nearly mentioned that if he’d said something she would have taken him, but she didn’t want to spoil the moment for him. “Then let’s go.”
Lily locked the deck door behind them and followed him out the front door, grabbing her purse from a hook and locking that door, as well. It didn’t matter how long she was in Larch Valley or how safe she felt…locking her door was a matter of habit. A remnant of the city living she’d experienced all her life.
Noah went to the passenger side of the truck and opened her door. It wasn’t fancy, not like Andrew’s huge diesel with all the bells and whistles, and it wasn’t even brand-new; it was a few years old with some miles on the odometer. It didn’t
matter to Lily; she knew it represented freedom for Noah. It still had that new car smell from detailing and it suited Noah’s needs just fine.
He hopped up into the driver’s seat and started the engine. Lily stared at the console as he put the truck into gear. Everything normally on the right-hand side of the steering column was now on the left, within reach of his good arm. A round knob was installed on the wheel for ease of steering. Before hitting the gas, Noah turned his head and looked at her, his expression so full of boyish happiness that she laughed. He seemed almost like a teenager getting a driver’s license for the first time.
“This,” she said, buckling her seat belt and nodding at the driver’s controls, “is pretty cool.”
“Isn’t it?” He let off the brake and pulled out into the street. “A few mods and I’m ready to go.” He turned a corner, heading for the dusty side roads. “You don’t mind the scenic route, do you?”
“Not at all.”
The roads were paved but without lines or shoulders, and constructed like a grid, so each one either went north and south or east and west. As they passed through rolling ranchland dotted with spruce trees and grassy fields of beef herds, Noah tilted his head toward the stereo. “You want some music?”
There was a CD in the deck and Lily hit the play button. They enjoyed the day and the music without words for several minutes as they came out at the highway, heading north to Longview. It was nice not to feel the need to make conversation to fill uncomfortable gaps. Noah seemed to enjoy driving so much that she slid down in the seat a bit and crossed her left ankle over her right knee, getting comfortable.
At Longview they turned onto the road leading to Kananaskis and the Peter Lougheed Park. Here the dwellings
were even more scattered; at times they drove for miles without seeing a soul. They climbed as the road moved northwest, up through the mountains, sharp faces and peaks and cattle ranging freely. Once they slowed down to watch a gathering of bighorn sheep on the jagged rocks, with ragged coats and little ones with nubbins for horns at their sides. Lily thought of the foal and finally broke the silence.
“How’s the baby doing?”
Noah looked over briefly, a smile lighting his face that seemed to heat the cab of the truck. “She’s fine. Her mama, too.”
“Did Andrew name her?” She knew Jen had christened the mare, and she hoped the baby wasn’t called “the foal” all the time. She deserved a proper name.
“I did.”
He didn’t look away from the road this time, and Lily thought she saw a slight blush infuse his cheeks. “You did? You named an itty-bitty baby horse?”
“You’re teasing me.”
“I am, yes.” She rested her head back on the seat with a smug smile. “So, what did you name her?”
“Gorgeous.”
Lily laughed. “Beautiful…Gorgeous…it fits. Bit sentimental for a tough old soldier like you, though, don’t you think?”
He pulled into a lay-by spot at the crest of Highwood Pass and put the truck into Park. He half turned on his seat to face her. “Is that how you see me? A tough old soldier?”
He wasn’t smiling anymore. She wondered if she’d hit a nerve or if there was something bothering him, as she’d suspected earlier. “I don’t know. Sometimes.”
He turned off the ignition and opened the door to the truck, sliding out and shutting it, leaving her sitting alone.
There was something bothering him. Something beyond dealing with his injury. Lily got out of the truck, too, and fol
lowed him to the edge of the paved parking space. She hesitated. The earlier lightheartedness of going for a drive was gone, and instead he was very nearly unapproachable. She was getting used to his mood swings by now. If he had sought her out rather than his brother or even Jen, then there had to be a reason.
She went to him and laid a hand in the space between his shoulder blades. “What’s wrong?”
The muscles were so tense beneath her fingers. Had he had bad news? Was it to do with his latest physio appointment? The change had occurred when she’d called him a tough old soldier. She rubbed gently. “Noah, what’s happened? Is there something wrong with your recovery?”
He shook his head. “No, nothing like that. Physio is going well.”
“Then what?”
He turned to face her. “How much do you know about Andrew? About our parents?”
“I know that your mother left when you were very young and your father raised you.”
He nodded, but his lips formed such a thin, forbidding line Lily knew there was more to the story. “Is this to do with your parents?”
“I’m not sure it’s for me to tell.”
She reached out and grabbed his wrist. “If you didn’t want to tell me, you wouldn’t have brought me here. You might as well come out with it.”
The tense lines of his face eased a little. “There’s that practical streak again.”
“You can thank me for it later.” She softened as his eyes seemed to ask her to understand even though he hadn’t yet said the words. “Let me help you, Noah.”
“Andrew dropped a couple of bombshells the night
Gorgeous was born. One is that Gerald was not his father. We’re only half brothers.”
Lily tried to hide her shock. Jen hadn’t breathed a word, and she knew from talk around town that Andrew had always been considered Gerald Laramie’s upstart boy. But for Noah not to have known…and especially now, when family was so important.
“And does that change anything for you?”
“Of course!” He pulled his arm away from her hand. “No, not really. I don’t know.”
“What does it change?”
“Everything I thought I knew. Andrew’s known since high school, and yet no one bothered to say a thing to me. If I’d known…”
“Ah yes.” Lily had played this game often enough and could guess what was going through his mind. “If I’d only, right? Only there is no point because the past cannot be changed.” She knew that well enough, too. Just as much as she knew letting go was easier said than done. “Does it change how you feel about Andrew?”
“Of course not!” He took a step backward. “He’s my brother.”
“If that’s the case, then you will come to terms with the rest. Just give it time.”
Noah walked away, kicking at some random stones that were on the asphalt. “Andrew and Jen have invited our mother to the wedding.”
Lily’s lips dropped open. “The mother who left you when you were children.”
“Yes.”
“When did you see her last?”
Silence, with the only sound the odd vehicle passing by and the breeze through the grass and fireweed.
“When I was seven.”
“Oh, Noah.” He didn’t have to say any more. This wedding was going to be difficult enough for him. She’d understood that from the start. She knew he didn’t much enjoy being out in public, being stared at and whispered about behind hands. In a city of strangers it was bad enough. But in Larch Valley, where everyone seemed to know everything, it was worse. To ask him to stand up at the wedding, knowing the truth, and to face his mother after all these years…
“Are you scared?”
“Scared?” He wrinkled his brow as he stared at her. “Why would I be scared?”
“Of seeing her? It would be understandable.” She went to him and laid her hand on his arm.
“She’s little more than a stranger to me, Lily. I know why she left. I stopped hating her for it long ago. It was why I joined the army. For a new start.”
He stared out over the mountain range, and Lily felt the wall go up again, the transparent yet tangible barrier of self-protection.
“I didn’t come here to talk about my mother.”
“Then why did you?”
His gaze plumbed hers for long seconds. “Because today was the hardest day I’ve had to face yet, and at the end of it…”
He broke off and looked away.
“At the end of it?” She prodded gently, holding her breath, feeling the connection zip between them again, drawing them together.
“At the end of it, the one person that seemed to make sense was you.”
L
ILY TORE HER EYES FROM
the green curves of the valley below. Perhaps they weren’t so different after all. They’d both made choices based on what they
didn’t
want out of life and along the way found a measure of peace in belonging—him within the army and her in Larch Valley. Now all of that was being ripped away bit by bit for Noah. The life he’d made for himself wouldn’t ever be quite the same again. Andrew was the only family he had left now that Gerald was gone, and the two of them had held on to this family secret, keeping Noah in the dark. Either way, she didn’t know whether to be thrilled or afraid that he had sought her out after a difficult day.
“The afternoon with the guys didn’t go well?”
“It went as well as I should have expected.” There was a harshness underlying the words.
“What went wrong?
“Andrew loves to golf. I thought it would be a fun afternoon. The two of us, Clay, Dawson. I would play chauffeur. Some laughs, a few beers and a steak sandwich at the clubhouse, you know?”
“But?” She prompted him to continue. His eyes had turned a steely dark blue that she recognized as his stubborn, frustrated look.
“But I felt like an idiot. I drove the cart and played caddy and laughed along, but the whole time I was thinking about how Andrew had known about this for years and no one had bothered to let me in on the secret. And then I was sitting waiting as everyone else was playing. And I couldn’t, because I can’t golf with one arm.”
“And so you felt useless.”
“Yes.”
Lily’s heart ached for him. Noah was not useless. He had so much to give. So many talents, so much insight and intelligence. She hated that he’d been made to feel less just because he wasn’t physically capable of hitting a ball with a silly club.
“Andrew should have seen how hard it would be for you and suggested something else,” she replied sharply. “I know, I know,” she continued as Noah started to open his mouth. “It’s his wedding. But still, Noah. A little consideration. After all, he’s the one that dropped the bombshell, too.” She put a hand on her hip.
Noah’s jaw softened with surprise. “Are you defending me?”
“Someone has to, don’t they?”
Without warning, he reached out and pulled her close, against his chest where his heart beat strong and true. A few stones rolled beneath her sneakers as her weight shifted. “Thank you,” he whispered into her hair. “I was feeling pretty selfish.”
She inhaled deeply, absorbing the scent and warmth of him before standing back from his embrace and looking up. “You? Selfish? There isn’t a selfish bone in your body.”
He shook his head slightly, while his hand still rested at the base of her spine. “Oh, yes, I am. I’ve done nothing but think of myself lately.”
“You earned that right.”
“It struck me today that I’ve avoided town, avoided people,
because I’m different now. People look at me differently, talk to me differently. It’s why I hesitated when Andrew asked me to be his best man. Today I got a taste of how it will feel to be up at the front of that church. Like I’m on display.”
Noah always seemed so take charge; hearing him voice his insecurities surprised and touched her.
“You never felt like that in the army?”
“In the army you’re all in there together. Take a look at my company picture sometime. We all look…”
“Alike,” she finished. “Did you tell Andrew how you felt about it at all?”
He shook his head again. “Not really. I just let it ride.”
A van pulled into the parking lot and Noah removed his hand from her back, their cocoon of privacy broken. They walked back to the truck, pausing and leaning up against the hood as the summer breeze ruffled her hair, sending little pieces scattering out of her ponytail.
“So you asked me to come with you…”
“I needed to talk.”
A small smile crept up Lily’s cheek. Beyond any of the times she’d nearly died from wanting his touch, at this moment right now she felt closer to Noah than she had since they’d met. Closer than today when he’d seen her in the dress, or in the barn or at his house or measuring tuxedos. Did he realize how silly it sounded? He was a champion at keeping his feelings to himself. She supposed it had to do with the macho idea that men didn’t discuss their feelings. And yet he’d wanted to talk. To her. For some reason it meant a lot for him to tell her why.
“Why me, Noah? Why not Andrew, or Jen?” She asked it quietly, then held her breath.
The answer didn’t come right away. The van unloaded a group of tourists who were not concerned with Noah and
Lily but more about taking a picture by the sign that marked Highwood Pass’s claim to fame—the highest paved point in Canada. Noah ignored them, instead murmuring softly, “Come here.”
Lily obeyed, taking his hand, and he moved her to a spot in front of him. His arm came around her, pulling her back against his body that still leaned against the truck, tucking her head beneath his chin. It felt good to be held. Safe and secure and wanted.
“I told you because I trust you, Lily. Not sure why. I’m not even sure how. Maybe because you didn’t grow up here and it’s easier. Maybe because you always tell me the truth. But I trust you.”
Lily closed her eyes. It was true that when they spoke she was very plain. But there were so many things she hadn’t told him. Things she didn’t want him to know. Things she hadn’t wanted anyone to know. Even Jen knew nothing about Curtis, or why she and her mother had become estranged. And Jen was the closest thing she had to family.
And yet, she trusted him, too. Noah would never judge her. She knew it as surely as she knew this wedding was going to be difficult for both of them.
“I don’t like weddings, either.” She admitted it and instantly felt better. Somehow with Noah she could stop pretending.
“You don’t?” His head moved against hers as if he were trying to peer around to see her expression.
She let out a light laugh. “No, I don’t.”
“But you are always helping Jen and making the dress and seemed, I don’t know, excited.”
How could she explain that while she loved her life here, sometimes she still felt the need to put a happy face on for the world? That the woman people saw wasn’t the true Lily? She kept that part of her locked up safe and sound.
“Jen is my best friend and it’s my problem, not hers. I wouldn’t upset her for the world. Just like you didn’t want to lay it on Andrew. You grin and fake it. Today’s shower was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.”
“Fine pair we make.”
“Do you suppose they knew how much trouble we’d be when they asked us?”
Noah laughed, the motion bumping against her back and she leaned more into his shoulder. He gasped slightly at the contact, and Lily felt a quick panic, wondering if she’d hurt him accidentally.
But if she had, he didn’t let on. “I thought all women dreamed of weddings.”
Ah, there it was. Lily blinked, the words sitting on her tongue. She could explain about the dress today, about the hurt that had never quite gone away. But in the end she couldn’t do it. Not all of it.
“My mom never got married. In fact…” I never even met my father. She was always, oh, I don’t know, open to opportunities. More of a free spirit. Still is. But I think that’s when I started hating weddings. At first it was my friends being flower girls. And then just…resenting her, I suppose. She was a seamstress, you know. She’d make these gorgeous dresses, but they were never for her. They would hang on the rack, all white and lacy and shining and all I wanted was for her to put one on and get married and settle us down, instead of moving from place to place all the time. I used to wonder why she spent hours on something she believed so little in. But her motto has always been to love deep and love often. And I suppose she did it because they were beautiful and because it paid the bills.”
Noah squeezed her close. “I didn’t know. You sound like you were a very lonely girl.”
Lily clung to the words and to the feel of his strength surrounding her. “I suppose I was. It was always a different apartment, a different school, new kids. It was why I fell in love with Larch Valley. For the first time in my life I felt like I belonged somewhere. And I’ll do this for Jen—dress up in a pink dress and carry flowers and craft centerpieces—because she’s the family I found here.”
“And I am…?”
The words hung in the air as the tourists piled back in their van and pulled out of the lot.
“You are someone who needed a friend. And you are Andrew’s brother, so that makes you family, too.”
“I don’t want to be an obligation to you.”
“You’ve never been an obligation.” Her heart stuttered as she blurted it out, a fearful beat that suggested maybe she’d admitted a little too much. “Do you know what I see when I look at you, Noah? I don’t see your limitations. I see a strong, determined man, and before you know it you will be going back to the life you love, too.”
A lump formed in her throat at the last words. It was the danger of getting to know someone. Of caring. They always had another life waiting somewhere, didn’t they. She’d known from the start he was merely recuperating. That he had every intention of going back to his life in the army. And why shouldn’t he reclaim his life?
But she’d let herself get close anyway. It didn’t matter how many times she’d told herself it was for the best. Heck, she’d even convinced herself that knowing he would be going back to active duty made him safe. He would not ask for more than she could give.
She turned within his embrace, so she was facing him. For a few moments their gazes caught and held, and they both knew there was more than friendship—obligatory or not—at
work. And then a recognition that the inevitable must happen in the end. He was a soldier. It wasn’t something he could just quit. It was as much
who
he was as
what
he was.
“So,” she said quietly, “we’ll get each other through it. You’ll grin and bear it. And you can look at me and remember I really dislike the color ‘petal pink’ and the smell of lilies.”
“It’s a deal.”
She stepped out of his embrace, knowing she must and yet wanting so much more. Perhaps it was enough that they’d silently seemed to acknowledge the attraction. Now it was dealt with and maybe even put aside for the greater good.
But as they got back in the truck and headed home, Lily could only remember how good she’d felt being held by him and how close she’d come to telling him the real reason she dreaded weddings so much.
The platter of grilled steaks was down to juices on the plate and the tray of brownies mere crumbs when Noah approached her. The rehearsal party was winding down, now reduced to wandering with cups of coffee or tea. Lily had helped Jen set it up right here at Lazy L—two of the new tables Jen had bought for the balcony seating at Snickerdoodles, white linens and fresh-cut flowers that Lily had snipped from Agnes Dodds’s considerable garden. She’d visited with Mr. and Mrs. O’Keefe, chatted to the minister and his wife, made plans for the following day with Jen.
And the whole time, all she could think about was Noah, and how he’d confided in her, and how much she wanted to feel his arm around her again.
“Do you want to get out of here?” Noah’s rough voice tickled her ear.
The low invitation sent her pulse fluttering. “I can’t yet. I promised Jen I’d help clear up.”
“I need your help with something. I can wait for you.”
She smiled then, letting the end-of-the-day warmth and the relaxed atmosphere woo her. “Oooh, mysterious.”
He chuckled, the sound low and sexy. Lily looked at him, liking dressed-up Noah. Not the jeans and T-shirts of his everyday life, nor the formality of the tux tomorrow, but a pair of chocolate-brown cotton pants and a lightweight tan shirt. The cuff was rolled up on his left arm, the other side pinned to hide the end of his stump. She stacked a few more plates and angled him a questioning look. “Dare I ask how you rolled up your sleeve, Mr. Laramie?”
“I don’t suppose you’d believe me if I said my teeth.”
She snorted and then bit down on her lip. “Funny. But no.” She turned, holding the plates before her and smiling up into his face. “You are much easier to be around when you are not so grumpy.”
“I must be losing my touch.”
Hardly, Lily thought as she forced herself to slide away, taking the dishes to the kitchen. Since they’d gone for that drive, he seemed to be more in his stride than ever. Maybe talking had helped restore some of his confidence. He certainly had a way of keeping her attention.
Mrs. O’Keefe was drying the last of the glasses when Lily poured herself a cup of tea. The brew was hot and soothing and she took a moment, listening to the mother-daughter chatter about plans and big days, and for the first time in years she missed her own mother. She missed the Saturday afternoons when Jasmine had made tea and they’d baked butter cookies. Or when she was older, sitting with sketch pads together, designing clothes, stealing ideas from each other’s drawings. Her mother had always encouraged Lily’s sense of daring and adventure. But the moment Lily had dared to actually use it, the result had been disastrous. Jasmine had
been the first one to point out what a horrible mistake she’d made. And Lily had never picked up a sketch pad again.
“Lily?”
Jen’s voice pulled her out of her woolgathering and she forced a smile. “Sorry?”
Jen came over and took Lily’s empty cup. “You need to go home. We can’t have a tired maid of honor tomorrow.”
“But I am supposed to help you.” She shook off the memories and smoothed her hands down her skirt. “Not the other way around.”
“It’s nearly done now anyway. And Mom’s here. And I’m running on adrenaline anyway.” Jen’s face was lit up like a candle, glowing with happiness. “You’ve done so much. The dress…” For a second Lily was afraid Jen was going to cry. But the wobbly smile straightened. “The gown is perfect. Just be at my house at two, ready to get dressed, okay?”
“Okay.” Lily was helpless in the face of so much happiness. She didn’t begrudge her friend one iota of it. She gave Jen a quick hug. “I’ll be there.”