Authors: Donna Alward
“I’ll do it,” she said, loud enough that the attendant could hear. “Or we’ll do it together.” She lowered her voice, put her fingers over Noah’s. “Is that okay? Someone needs to measure you.”
She saw him swallow. Other than the afternoon when they’d been pressed together, they had avoided touching. Suddenly her great idea seemed intensely intimate, and her tongue slipped out to wet her lips.
“Fine, you do it,” he said sharply, his gaze dropping to where the tip of her tongue had disappeared back into her mouth.
Lily took the tape from the attendant and smiled. “I do a fair bit of sewing.” It was an understatement, but right now
she just wanted to keep everyone happy. “Just tell me if the line isn’t exactly where you want it.”
Her fingertips grazed the muscles of Noah’s shoulders as the tape stretched across the breadth of him. She measured down his left arm, meeting his eyes only briefly when she murmured words about using the same length for the right—it would be pinned up out of the way anyway. She heard him catch his breath as she wrapped the tape around his slim waist, and she had to remind him to relax and let the breath out. The fabric of his shirt was soft and warm against her fingers, and butterflies tumbled in her stomach as her hands rested against the button of his jeans for a few breathless moments.
This wasn’t what she’d had planned when she’d told herself she was going to keep Noah at arm’s length. The way she was responding, and the way he was holding himself so rigidly, told her an arm’s length away was still too close.
“I need to do your chest,” she said quietly, and she reached around him. She guided the tape measure beneath his arms, her fingers touching his right bicep lightly as she adjusted the tape. Did it hurt? Did it feel odd to move that part of his arm without the rest of it attached? His heart pounded against her hand as she brought the ends of the tape together. Touching him this way made her too self-conscious to ask. She read out the measurement instead and the man put it on his clipboard.
“Now there’s just the inseam,” he chirped, oblivious to the tug-of-war going on between Lily and Noah. “You should have on proper shoes to measure that,” he explained. “You’re what, an eleven?”
Noah nodded. As the salesman scurried away to retrieve dress shoes, Noah’s voice came from above, deep and husky. “Lily…”
“There’s a chair over there. Why don’t you sit to change your footwear,” she blurted, more affected than she wanted to admit by the rough way he’d said her name. She did not
want to be the pretty girl who’d lent a hand. Someone who had his attention now, when he needed her, but would one day be forgotten. It was better to keep it strictly platonic.
Noah hesitated the smallest instant, and for a minute she was afraid he was going to say something more. But he went and sat and pushed off one boot with his toes. The second required more pushing, and she gave in and knelt before him, gripping the heel and sliding it off his foot.
“I hate this,” he admitted in a low voice. Lily’s eyes stung. Grouchy Noah was a challenge, but a Noah who had started to trust her was far more difficult to handle. In only a short week he’d started accepting little bits of help, like the drive today to his appointments. She almost preferred the stubborn, irascible man to this one. It was easier to keep her distance from him. Easier to keep her thoughts in line with where they should be.
The salesman arrived with a shoe box. Lily took the shoes, unlaced them, and put them on the floor for Noah to put on his feet while she talked to the salesman about what style tuxedo they wanted to coordinate with Andrew’s. She wouldn’t do everything for him.
When she turned back, Noah’s cheeks were red. He had the toe of his right shoe holding down the right hand lace of the left shoe, while he tried to negotiate the other tie into a semblance of knot and bow with one hand.
“Dammit!” he finally exploded, sitting back on the bench and closing his eyes while his jaw trembled with frustration.
“Could you give us a moment?” Lily asked the salesman in a whisper. When he’d discreetly left, she went to Noah and sat on the bench beside him.
“Noah—” she began, but he cut her off.
“Don’t,” he commanded, and she recoiled from the venom in his voice. “Don’t you dare try to placate me or say it’s understandable or whatever it is you are going to say. I can’t stand it.”
All the platitudes she’d had on the tip of her tongue, the ones about needing time to adjust and how things would get better and it was understandable to be frustrated fled, driven away by the force of his words.
“All right.”
For several minutes she waited, feeling the vibrations of resentment lengthen and weaken. He finally reached over and took her hand. “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Relieved, she turned on the bench so that her knees touched his. “You are allowed to feel the way you feel.”
“Helpless? Is it okay for me to feel helpless?”
“How can I answer that without saying any of the things you’ve forbidden me to say?”
That drew a reluctant smile from his lips. “Touché.”
“Look, we’re almost done. Why don’t you just let me tie them this once.”
“Because I need to do it myself.”
“Why?”
His eyes glittered at her, angry and resentful. “Because I do, okay?”
“Does this have to do with your wounded male pride?” She tried to lighten the mood but he didn’t smile. Oh, no, a smile would have been preferable to the searing gaze he treated her to. There was an intensity to Noah she couldn’t deny, and it drew her to him no matter how many times she told herself it wasn’t smart.
“Yes,” he said simply.
Something sizzled in the air between them. Lily looked away first. “We can argue about this later. Right now the salesman is wondering what the heck is going on. Will you let me tie them, please?”
He nodded, and she squatted down, deftly tying the laces
while he clenched his jaw tightly and stared past her to the change rooms, his gaze closed off and unreceptive.
Every one of his struggles seemed to hit her square in the heart. He was so proud. She knew he hated it every time he attempted something and failed. His occupational therapy would teach him tricks to manage everyday tasks, she was sure. He just wasn’t there yet.
Lily beckoned the salesman over again and took the tape measure in hand once more as Noah stood up, shaking down his pant legs. Suddenly she seemed to realize exactly where she was measuring—his inseam. Embarrassed, she couldn’t find it within herself to meet his gaze. She tried a smile on the sales assistant, knowing it was futile to think he didn’t sense her discomfort. “I think you can do this one?” she suggested.
The man took the tape back and deftly made the measurement. Lily couldn’t help it, she finally risked a look at Noah, and her lips quivered as he waggled his eyebrows at her. He knew. He knew why she’d suggested the salesman take the measurement and he was teasing. Her heartbeat took a little lift. After his outburst, a sense of humor was like a ray of sunshine.
“Fantastic,” the clerk said, beaming. “Let’s try on some styles to be sure, shall we? The four-button notch is a great choice. What colors for the vest and tie?”
“Just white,” Lily replied when Noah shrugged. “This is why you needed me with you,” she chided, offering a small smile. “You wouldn’t have had a clue on your own.”
“Hey, I’ve had my wardrobe supplied for the last few years,” he replied. They could see the clerk hovering at a rack, fiddling with hangers but obviously listening in. Noah leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, “That happens in prison.”
Lily gaped and fought hard not to laugh. She turned her forehead to Noah’s chest, hiding as soon as she saw the clerk’s eyes widen. Inaudible giggles shook her chest as she felt his
smile next to her temple. His joke took her so much by surprise she had no opportunity to guard against it.
“Oh, come on, you know now he’s wondering what I was in for and how I lost my arm,” he murmured, his breath warm in her ear.
“You’re terrible.”
The smile faded; she could feel it as the warmth at her temple disappeared. “It’s been a rough day. I don’t want to lose my temper again. I’m sorry, Lily, for being so short with you. For allowing myself to get frustrated. It’s just safer to have fun with it. Maybe I need to start laughing more.”
While they were waiting, Lily leaned back. “Does this feel like a prison now? Being ripped out of the life you knew?” She searched his eyes, marveling at how the layers of Noah seemed to be getting unwrapped today—both good and bad.
“Sometimes. When I get frustrated, like I was with the shoes. Or when I just miss the life. I thought I was a career soldier. It’s tough to be a civilian after this long.”
“Ah, here we go. Four-button notch with a white vest and tie.” The clerk put the clothing on a hook in a dressing room.
Noah reached for the safety pin holding his sleeve, but he couldn’t seem to get it to release properly. After a half-dozen tries and a healthy sigh, he turned back.
This time she didn’t ask. He was tired and his patience was at the breaking point. He needed to get this over with and get out of here.
She reached for the pin, odd circles of nerves twirling around her insides as she touched his stump for the first time through the sleeve. It felt like any ordinary arm, only it was wrapped beneath the shirt and ended above the elbow. She wasn’t sure what she’d expected. Something harder, less pliant perhaps. She was careful, not knowing if it was still tender to the touch.
“The wedding is in August. I think we’d better plan on
pinning you twice. Once with the jacket for the ceremony, and then with the jacket off for the reception due to the heat. I can help you with that. I’m a whiz with pins and things. No one will even be able to see it.”
She clipped the safety pin closed and smiled up at him, the edges of her lips trembling.
“You don’t need to.”
“As maid of honor, I consider it one of my duties.”
“No, what I mean is that I’ll be able to do it myself.”
Lily frowned. Despite needing her help today, he wasn’t showing any signs of letting up. In the meantime, he was frustrating himself to death.
“I’ll be out in a few minutes.”
He took the clothes into the change room while Lily and the clerk waited. The clerk had said very little since Noah’s surprise revelation.
It took slightly longer than it would have normally, but Noah finally stepped out from behind the door and Lily caught her breath.
He was stunning. His eyes gleamed above the fine lines of his cheekbones, his dark hair mussed slightly from pulling his T-shirt over his head. His tan set off the snowy white of the shirt, which he’d buttoned to the second top button. The vest lay taut against his flat stomach, and the jacket was unbuttoned. The shirt was tucked rather unevenly into the trousers. All in all, he looked like a man at the end of the day rather than the beginning, and it was arresting.
“The tie,” she said, reaching forward and buttoning the top button. “We won’t get the full effect without the tie.”
The skin of his neck was warm against her fingers, and she fought the feeling that this whole afternoon was something a girlfriend or wife should be doing, not a recent acquaintance or sudden bridesmaid. He swallowed and his Adam’s apple
bobbed against her fingertips. She slid the silk tie around his neck and fumbled her way through a Windsor knot, remembering quite painfully performing the same task for a very young, very fresh-faced groom. Lord, she’d been so young, and so naive, so sure everything was going to work out the way they’d planned. She saw the empty sleeve at Noah’s side in her peripheral vision. Surely Noah had had dreams of his own. How many had been quashed by the loss of his arm?
“Andrew will help you on the day. I’m afraid I have had less experience with ties than safety pins.”
He couldn’t look down with her hands holding his chin up, and she noticed the smooth line of his jaw. There were no missed shaving spots today.
Lily then put her hands on his lapels and drew the jacket closed, buttoning up the four buttons. Andrew had said his tuxedo was similar, and she knew the two of them would look handsome standing at the altar together.
At the altar. Lily’s hands grew cold at the thought. Everywhere she turned lately there seemed to be a reminder, making her relive her failures over and over again. Perhaps it was good that there wasn’t much time before Jen’s big day. It would be over and Lily could go back to the business of forgetting.
She stood back, assessing his appearance. The sleeve would be tucked up neatly on the day. And she’d walk up the aisle in the pale pink dress she’d already started cutting and pinning.
At the front, she would move to the left, beside Jen. She’d never be caught as the one in the white dress. It wasn’t that she was against marriage. Not at all. She’d just already learned it wasn’t for her. Not everyone was as lucky as Andrew and Jen.
“You look very handsome,” she said dutifully, as the assistant picked and pulled at the coat a few different ways, making alteration notes.
“Even if it’s not my dress uniform?”
Lily stepped back, putting distance between them. She almost wished he was wearing it, if that would make him seem more of a stranger. She had to ignore the physical attraction that had woven its spell this afternoon. That was all it was. Attraction. Perhaps a smidgen of curiosity. Nothing more.
“You can take the man out of the uniform, but not the uniform out of the man, I see.”
“Being out of it was not my choice.” He reached for the dressing room doorknob and then looked over his shoulder. “None of this was my choice, Lily. My mistake, maybe, but not my choice. Don’t forget that.”
Lily stared at the closed door for a few moments. What could he possibly mean, his mistake? And it felt very clear that he wasn’t just talking about his injury but the current situation, which included her. She wanted to feel relieved at the stinging rejection. Starting something with Noah was not on her agenda.
But it stung just the same, and she retrieved her purse from the floor to hide just how much.