Here for You (15 page)

Marc and Tomas had been cordial to each other, which was a bad sign. They usually went from bickering to joking back to bickering.

“We have to get ourselves back on track,” Cole said to Tomas and Marc.

“It takes time,” Tomas said.

“I know, but without Brendan…. He was the glue around here.”

Tomas looked at him in surprise. “No, that’s not true. Brendan, he was our hope. Always so sweet and positive about our future. I miss that. I miss him. But you, Cole—
you’re
the glue.”

“Me? No.”

Tomas smiled wryly. “Who called the family meeting today? And all the other times too? Who makes sure to have some meals together? Who writes down all kinds of stuff so we can remember the good times?”

“Who fixes us when we fall?” Marc added. Cole flushed, knowing he referred to how he’d bailed him out. “Who called Evie over about the rent when we came up short?”

Tomas and Marc had gone on from there, embarrassing Cole with a list of things he’d done. He didn’t see it that way at all. He was the forgetful one, the slutty one—those were labels he’d long ago accepted. He wasn’t anybody’s glue. He desperately wanted them to change the subject.

“What about asking Sandy?”

“Sandy? From the bar?”

“Yeah.”

“I thought he annoyed the crap out of you?” Marc asked.

“Sometimes. With his jokes and all. But… he’s an okay guy, and I know his apartment is crap. I think he might say yes. I’ll get him to stop the bad jokes,” Cole promised, totally unsure how he’d make that part happen.

“Okay,” Marc said. “Whatever will pay the bills.”

“Yeah,” Tomas agreed.

“Okay, I’ll ask him tomorrow.”

“By the way,” Tomas said, “Ian stopped by.”

“Ian?”

“Yep. Just to check on you, I think.”

“Oh well, thanks. I’ll call him later.”

Tomas and Marc exchanged looks.

“Meeting adjourned,” Cole said quickly, before they could question him.

S
ANDY
WAS
agreeable to moving into the house. “I have to give notice through the month on my apartment, though. Can you wait?”

“Sure.”

“Wow, this is fantastic. I mean… I always envied you guys and how close you all are—I never imagined—”

“Sandy.”

“Hmm…?”

“One thing, though.”

“What?”

“Save the jokes for the bar, okay?”

“You don’t like my jokes?” Sandy scowled and placed his hands on his hips. “But
everybody
likes them here.” He stood there, honestly perplexed.

“Yeah, I like them. Sure. It’s Tomas. He’s got no sense of humor. Zip.”

Sandy ran his hand over his stocky frame. “Oh wow. I’m big, but he’s huge…. I wouldn’t want to piss him off. Okay, gotcha. I can save it for work.”

Cole shook his hand. “Awesome.”

It would never be the same, Cole knew that, and he fought off a bone-deep sadness. He needed to save their home. He simply had to save it.

W
HEN
C
OLE
returned from work, he realized he’d once again forgotten his keys. He always tossed them on his nightstand, and since he walked to work, he sometimes forgot to grab them on his way out. Brendan had even bought him the clapper thing once, but it wasn’t that Cole misplaced them, he forgot to bother with them. Annoyed, Cole tried the kitchen window, which they often left unlocked. Somebody had locked it that night. He went back around to the front. He hated to pound on the door and wake Marc, who worked early mornings hauling trees around, and Tomas’s truck was gone, which meant he might still be doing a late night at Swanky’s. Cole rattled the doorknob in frustration.

“Shit.”

“Need a hand? I think mine still works.”

Cole swung around in shock. “River!”

“I
NEEDED
to clear my head,” River told them as they all sat together at breakfast. That was his only explanation, and he stopped talking and began to eat. No matter. They were ridiculously glad to see him. Beyond glad.

“I’m going to make you a special homecoming meal tonight,” Marc said. “Whatever you want. Tomas, Cole, can you be there?”

“I have work,” Tomas said regretfully. “Save me a plate?”

“Sure. How about you, Cole?”

“I have off. I can be here.”

“But let me pay for the groceries,” River said. He looked bone thin, his face gaunt, his green eyes the only part of his face the same. He was like an empty sack. Cole definitely wanted to see River eat, no matter who paid.

“Since you owe us rent too, you bet your ass I’ll let you,” Marc said.

Cole chuckled at River’s face. “What? Did you think our bills just stopped?”

“No, I… I wasn’t thinking at all. I’ll make it up to you.” River grimaced. “As soon as I have enough saved. I stayed at cheap motels, but—”

“Forget it,” Cole said. “We have it under control.”

“No, really—”

“Forget it,” Cole repeated firmly. “We’re just happy you’re here.”

“It’s like getting a piece of something important back,” Tomas agreed.

R
IVER
AND
Cole took Marc’s food list to Publix. They wandered down the condiment aisle, looking for black bean sauce. River loved Chinese food, and Marc insisted he could cook his favorites.

“We could have ordered it,” River said. “I’m happy with whatever.”

“Don’t ever let Marc hear that.”

“He’s an amazing cook. I just don’t want to put him out.”

“Marc never does anything he doesn’t want to do. You know that.” They rounded the aisle to the noodles, when Cole stopped short. Ian was standing there, frowning down at a box of lasagna.

Heart in his throat, Cole moved toward him. “Ian.”

“Cole.” Ian’s eyes went all soft. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“How are you?”

Ian’s gaze practically burned into him, scorching his skin. “I’m good. You?”

“Good.”

Ian smiled lopsidedly at him, and Cole’s mouth went dry.

River cleared his throat.

“Oh, and look, River’s here. He’s back. We’re having a big celebration dinner for him tonight. Chinese,” Cole babbled. God, Ian looked good in that suit and tie. Why had he ever not liked how Ian dressed? That buttoned-up shirt only made Cole want to undo it slowly and reveal Ian’s amazing body piece by piece.

“Sounds nice,” Ian said, still gazing into his eyes. Cole felt a hundred little electric currents rushing thorough him. “How are you, River?”

“Doing all right.”

“Tomas said you stopped by yesterday?” Cole asked. “I meant to phone you, but when River surprised me—”

“It’s fine. Maybe we could talk, though? I have something I wanted to tell you that’s come up, and it might be of use to you.”

“What?” Cole took another step toward Ian, who smelled good too.

Ian looked pained. “It’s not a thing to discuss in the middle of a food store.”

“Oh, sorry! I—” Cole blushed, wondering if Ian wanted to talk about their night together again or ask Cole to repeat it. He’d asked Ian for some time, and now Ian waited, but Cole suddenly wanted to jump into Ian’s cart. He wanted to go home with Ian so badly he almost couldn’t stand it.

“No, it’s kind of a formal thing. That’s all.”

“Formal?”

“Yes, sort of. Nothing bad, but it might be something to discuss. I was debating calling you, but—” Ian shrugged.

But what? My rejection the other night ruined it all? You changed your mind about waiting?

“It concerns something with Brendan,” Ian said.

The name pierced Cole’s heart. He stepped back. Next to him, River shifted uncomfortably. “Oh.”

“Can we talk?”

“Now, um, I don’t know. We’re supposed to get all this food back to Marc, so…,” Cole said regretfully.

“Right. Another time, then. Tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’ll stop by the office or something.”

“Do that.” Ian gave River a curt nod of good-bye. His gaze lingered one last time on Cole’s, and then he moved away.

“What’s that about?” River asked.

“What?” Cole felt all keyed up.

“What’s this thing concerning Brendan he wanted to talk to you about?”

“Oh, that. I don’t know. Brendan must have had lots of papers in his office. Maybe he found something….”

They continued to fill Marc’s shopping list. River, being his quiet self, didn’t talk the rest of the time, and Cole was silent too, lost in emotions. He’d tried to convince himself that what he had with Ian was one night only, one night of sex as a comfort for the pain. But he knew, both in his body and his heart, it was untrue. He’d always been attracted to Ian but hadn’t allowed himself to go there due to Brendan.

If only they weren’t so off track with their relationship. If only his loyalty and his heart were not so out of step. He could be with Ian, like he wanted, instead of being miserable.

“Hey.” River nudged his side, and Cole realized he stood at Marc’s car, keys in hand, not opening it.

“Sorry.” He unlocked the trunk, and they piled in the bags of food.

It was inevitable. Sooner or later, Cole knew, despite being torn over Brendan, he would go to Ian. He would wrap his arms around Ian’s middle and hug him. He would tell him everything in his burdened heart, and he knew Ian would accept it. Ian was the one person in the world Cole didn’t have to try so hard for.

“He looked only at you,” River said softly.

Cole swallowed. “Did he?” He gave a nervous laugh. “Well, yeah, we hooked up this one night after the funeral, and… it was a lot more than a hookup, I guess.” He met River’s eyes. “I’m crazy for him.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Because….” Cole blew out a long breath. “Brendan liked him. A lot. And even though nothing happened between them, knowing how much Brendan cared about Ian, knowing that he wasn’t with anybody else because he wanted Ian….” With a shaking hand, Cole put the key in the ignition. “Sorry. This is fucked. I know it. Never mind.”

River covered his hand with his own, stopping Cole from turning the key. “Wait.”

“What?” Cole was scooped out inside. He wanted River to release his hand and let him drive. “What is it?”

“I was with Brendan,” River said quietly.

“
What
?”

“We were together. Only we hadn’t told people yet.”

“You and Brendan slept together?” Cole asked in amazement.

“Yes.” River held his gaze. “We cared about each other.”

“But I thought Brendan was in love with Ian?”

“He thought so too,” River said with a sad, wistful smile. “I was working on changing his mind.”

River looked away, releasing Cole’s hand, but not soon enough. River had been in love all this time with Brendan. Cole felt helpless with the knowledge that it was too late to find happiness. He could only imagine how wrecked River must feel.

“If he slept with you, River, he did care,” Cole said earnestly.

“You’re kind to say that, but—”

“No, listen. I know Brendan. He never was one for casual sex.” River didn’t answer, his shoulders rigid, but Cole knew he was listening. “If he had sex with you, it meant a lot to him. I promise you that.”

And if he had sex with River, he must have been letting go of his crush on Ian for good. Cole’s throat tightened.

“I loved him,” River said. He lowered his eyes.

They sat together in the car. The loss of it all unraveled between them.

Cole wished he could have gone backward in time: for River, for Brendan, for himself.

C
OLE
SAT
through River’s welcome home dinner in a daze. He chewed Marc’s delicious chicken in black bean sauce and didn’t taste one bit. Why hadn’t Brendan told him about River? He thought they’d told each other everything. He poured some soda and took a long swallow.

“I can’t wait to unpack my things,” River said. “I’ve been living on the back of my Harley too long.”

“Oh shit. I forgot about Sandy.”

“Sandy?”

“He’s supposed to move in here soon. We were planning to give him your room.”

River’s mouth tightened. He looked away. “I shouldn’t have assumed….”

“No, River, you’re one of us. Of course we want you here again.” Cole drummed his fingers on the table. “How about this? We let Sandy take your old room and you take Brendan’s?”

“We weren’t going to rent it out, not to just anybody,” Marc explained.

River looked at them. “Thanks.”

Cole nodded. “His things are still there. But we can box them?”

“No.” River touched his fork to his plate, his gaze averted again. “Let them stay. I don’t have much anyhow.”

“That’s settled, then.” Cole remembered how he’d arrived in Florida, unsure and alone. He’d bought a bus ticket taking him as far from Massachusetts as he could get on the money he’d scraped together. The bus had been ancient, the window wipers squeaking painfully as they went, its engine fumes strong. All around him were sad-looking people, tired single mothers with eager kids pulling at them constantly, elderly men shrunken down in their seats, but Cole hadn’t cared. He was free. He could be anybody. He was seventeen, and he was leaving before he became too small and bitter to go. His mom hadn’t seen him off. She was too dependent on bad men and bad choices. Cole’s last image of her was a broken woman, once beautiful, now with deep grooves in her face. He counted the highway signs as they passed, until they finally crossed the state line and his old life faded from view. He’d wanted to go all the way to Miami, but his ticket paid for him to reach the small town of Ocean Vista. He’d exited there, figuring he’d work a little until he could go the rest of the way.

Marc clamped a hand on River’s shoulder. “Does anybody want seconds?” He glanced at Cole. “Do you?”

“Not for me.” Cole stood. “It was delicious, though.”

“I’ll take more.” River gave Marc his plate. “But save some for Tomas too.”

“Sure you don’t want more?” Marc asked Cole.