His Ever After (Love Square) (12 page)

“I’m doing okay. Or as okay as I can be, considering. What about you?”

She licks her lips again. Her chin starts to quiver, and she bites her lip to stop herself from crying. I look up into her tear filled eyes and am surprised by the fact that yet again, her sadness immediately breaks my heart. In the few times I’ve seen her this week, every time she cries I feel this way. I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t really act on these feelings that I’m developing for her, for a few reasons. For one – she’s Brooke’s best friend. For two – she can do better than me. And for three – my heart belongs to Sam, whether I’m with her or not.

Kara sucks in a deep breath, composing herself before speaking. “I’ve been better. I just keep trying to remember the good times. It’s what gets me through when the pain threatens to take over.” She gives me a small, trembling smile. When she blinks, a stray tear falls down her cheek. Without thinking I reach up and cup her face, as I use my thumb to wipe away the wetness left behind. Right now my actions feel intimate… far too intimate.

Before I can do anymore damage, the priest starts the service, and I’m saved from doing what I feel propelled to do… kiss away her sadness. I pull my hand away from her face and turn my focus elsewhere.

The service is long and depressing. Not that I expected it to be anything but. Her mother’s wailing and her father’s hard looks are a constant reminder of all my shortcomings and failures.

The show of support from the department is more than I could have asked for. Everyone attending is wearing their “dress blues.” I know Brooke would have been honored by their presence. She loved being a police officer. She put a lot of time and energy into excelling at her job. She used to say it was the most rewarding feeling to be able to help a victim or their families receive closure. Talking about her job was one of the few times you would see genuine excitement and interest on Brooke’s face.

“I’ll never forget the day I met Brooke. It was move in day, freshman year of college. I was so nervous and scared. You never know who you’re going to get stuck with as a roommate. And I wasn’t sure I was ready to be independent from my parents and so far away from home. But Brooke…” Kara shakes her head a little and a knowing smile graces her face. “Brooke wasn’t afraid. She looked at me and said, ‘I’m Brooke. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Now let’s go take on this school and show them who’s boss.’” Everyone laughs, knowing that was just how Brooke was. She took charge and went after what she wanted.

“That was the day my world opened up. The day I met the woman who would become my best friend. She showed me how to reach for my dreams. She always encouraged me to go after what I wanted and never to take no for an answer. I’ve accomplished so much thanks to her support and the example she set for me. I always knew she was a beautiful swan, so graceful and precious. Her life may have ended far too soon, but I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I was blessed to have known her.” As Kara stood up at the podium and finished delivering her eulogy, there was not a dry eye in the house. She spoke candidly and lovingly about her friend. She focused on all of Brooke’s finer points, and the good times that they experienced.

I was like a moth to a flame while she stood up there. I was drawn to her – transfixed on her and her words – knowing in the end if I wasn’t careful, I would get burned.

When she sat back down beside me, I felt compelled to apologize for taking her friend from her. It was me who ultimately caused the sadness in Kara’s face and who put the tears in her eyes. I’m the monster here. She shouldn’t be sitting next to me and comforting me. She should be repulsed by me and should stay the fuck away.

At this point, all I want to do is drown myself in a bottle of Jack and be done with the whole damn thing. It feels as though there is a black hole sucking me into it. My mood is black, my life is black, everything is… black.

After the service and burial, I’m standing at the cemetery with Brad, Sophie, Emma, John, my dad, my Captain and a couple of other officers when Kara comes over. Even though I know I’m worthless and no good for her, I have a strong urge to wrap my hand around hers and feel that calming sense of relief again. Shaking my head at my selfish thoughts, I turn and introduce her to everyone she hasn’t met yet.

Conversation is light and muted given the circumstances. Many of the people who approach our group, do so quickly to offer their condolences. I see pity in all of their eyes when they look at me. I’m beginning to feel paranoid, like they all know, deep down, what a pitiful son of a bitch I am. I picture them whispering behind their hands, giving me meaningful glances behind my back. I shudder at the thought of my secret being known.

Brooke’s parents hold court across the way, looking for all the world like nothing ever happened, and it’s just another day at the country club. It’s a stark contrast to how her mother was acting in church. I’ll never understand them. I’ll never understand how they could have a daughter and treat her like a commodity some days, and like a leper others. Her relationship with her parent’s was strained at best. If they weren’t spoiling her in order to buy her submission, Brooke felt like she could never please them.

“We’re all heading to Murphy’s for a few drinks. Did you guys want to come?” I ask Emma and John as we make our way out to our cars.

“No. We’re going to get on the road and head home. The babysitter can’t stay too late tonight. I’ll call you tomorrow,” Emma says as she hugs me. I bury my head in her neck and soak up her love.

Turning to shake John’s and my dad’s hands, I say my goodbyes. After they pull away, I notice Kara is standing by my car.

“I was hoping I could get a ride with you,” she says in answer to my unspoken question of what she’s still doing here.

“Where’s your car?” I ask when I get a little closer.

“I got a ride with a friend, but she left a little while ago. She had to get to work and I just didn’t want to be alone right now. I hope you don’t mind.” She crosses her arms and leans against the car, looking nervous about the prospect of me turning her away.

“Sure. It’s no problem.” I walk around the car and open the door for her. My mother would kill me if I didn’t always open a door for a lady. Chivalry was ingrained in me from a very young age.

Settling in the car, I buckle my seat belt and start to drive us to Murphy’s, a bar in D.C. that my friends and I frequent. It’s the bar where Brooke told me that she was pregnant, right before Sam came in to tell me that she left her husband.
Wasn’t that just a fucked up night.
I shake my head and try to put Sam out of my mind. Going back and reliving that nightmare isn’t going to a make anything better, that’s for sure.

Glancing over at Kara looking out her window, I’m filled with so many conflicting emotions. Part of me is pulled to Kara for some odd reason. She’s almost like a balm to my savaged soul. Another part of me knows I need to stay far away from her. She is pure and good and light. I am dark and twisted and fucked up. I ruin everything I touch – just ask Sam or Brooke. You can’t ask Brooke though, can you? Because I destroyed her.

The drive back to the city is tense. I feel like I should make conversation, but I don’t know what to say. Small talk seems frivolous, and I’m not about to tell her what I’m thinking or feeling. I’ve never been so nervous about talking to a girl before. What the fuck is wrong with me? I must be seriously fucked up if I’m allowing Kara to impact me this way. After today, I need to stay the hell away from her – for my sake and hers.

I reach over and turn the radio on to fill the silence. Lynyrd Skynyrd starts singing about being a simple kind of man. As the words of the song flow through me, I feel like my mother is talking to me. It’s as if she is trying to convince me that this too shall pass. Too bad I don’t believe any of it. This mark is going to rest on my soul for the rest of my life.

This song always reminds me of the advice she gave me before she passed away. “Jacob, when you find true love, it will make everything worth it in the end. All the struggles and all the hard times won’t drag you under, because you’ll have each other. Promise me you’ll find love and will cherish it with everything you have. Protect it and nurture it. Don’t ever take it for granted.”

She also used to tell me to be true to myself and when I find a woman that sets my soul at ease, to stop at nothing to make her mine and to always do right by her. I tried that once… and it didn’t work. For as much as I love my mother, sometimes I feel like her words were a crock of shit told to make me feel better about her dying.

***

“Jacob. Maybe you should stop drinking.” Kara’s soft voice filters into my ears.

“Yeah, maybe, but I’m not going to.” I take another shot of Tequila and turn to look at her. She’s still wearing that sexy, black dress. I can picture myself stripping it off of her tight, little body and bending her over the pool table. My eyes travel down the length of her body, imagining her black, lacy underwear as I rip them away before burying myself inside her. I blink at the path my thoughts are taking and turn away from her.

“You should go home,” I warn her, before I do something we both will regret.

She puts her hand on my shoulder and leans in. Her long, curly hair falls over my shoulder and brushes my cheek. It smells like flowers. My head turns towards her of its own accord and my nose buries itself in her hair trying to get a better smell.

“I’m not leaving you, Jacob. Let me take you home. You don’t need any more Tequila.” My eyes close as her lyrical voice calms me. I groan when her hand slides down my arm and takes my hand in hers. My resolve from earlier at the funeral is severely weakened by my inebriated state.

We’ve been at Murphy’s for closing in on six hours. I’ve probably drank a half a bottle of Jack, a good amount of Tequila and a six pack of beer all on my own.

I allow her to lead me out to my car. She has her arm around my waist to keep me steady, and mine is thrown over her shoulder. I could walk on my own, but I’m enjoying this too much. No sense in letting that cat out of the bag. When we reach my car, she takes the keys from my hand and wrestles me over to the passenger side. I lean against the car as she opens the door. Before she can back away, I put my hands on her waist and pull her towards me.

I can feel her heart beating fast and her breath lightly brushes my face with each erratic, little pant. At this moment, I decide to throw all the rules out the window. She’s here, I’m here, and I’m beginning to want her with a vengeance that has me spiraling out of control. It might be the alcohol talking right now, but I refuse to feel any regret until the morning.

“Kara…” I groan before putting my hand on the back of her head and kissing her the way I wanted to all day.

Her kiss starts off hesitantly, but when my tongue seeks entrance into her mouth, she opens up and melts into me. Our tongues glide sensually against one another. She tastes like Peppermint Schnapps and raspberry lip gloss. I tilt my head and take the kiss deeper. The little moan in the back of her throat instantly makes my dick painfully hard.

I pull her body flush with mine and grind my hips against hers. I want her to feel what she’s done to me. My hand leaves her head and travels south towards her breast. Her taut, little nipples poke out, begging for attention. My thumb and forefinger close around one and roll. She breaks away, gasping.

Well that isn’t exactly what I was expecting her to do.

“Get in the car, Jacob. I’m taking you home,” she says breathlessly while taking a step back from me.

“What? You’ve been on my dick all night. Now that I’m going to give you what you want, you’re going to leave me hanging?” I taunt her. She flinches at my words, making me feel like the scumbag I really am.

“You don’t mean that. You’re drunk,” she says with the shake of her head.

“Don’t I? Listen, Kara. I’m the big, bad, mother fucking wolf. You’ve been shaking that fine, little ass of yours in my face all night. Either bend over and take it or get the fuck away from me.” She needs to know I’m not the nice guy she thinks I am. I’m the lowest of the low. I’m a killer.

She leans in and fuck me, her eyes flash before she tells me, “Get. In. The. Fucking. Car. Jacob.” Holy shit! She’s fucking hot when she’s angry! Who knew she had all that spitfire in her? Definitely not me. She might have shown a glimpse of her backbone at Brooke’s parent’s house, but it was nothing compared to this. It’s a big, fucking turn on.

I’m speechless as she pushes me in the car. When she climbs in the driver side, I’m not sure what to say to her, so I face forward and adjust my aching cock. My pants feel exceptionally tight. I’m half tempted to open them just to relieve the pressure.

Kara adjusts the driver’s seat, so she is closer to the wheel before starting the car and driving to my apartment. I couldn’t stand to sleep in the place where Brooke ended her life. Every time I looked at the bathtub, all I saw was blood. I stayed in Brad’s spare room until I was able to secure an apartment a few floors down. He and a few other friends from the station helped me move in yesterday. There are still boxes piled everywhere, but I really don’t give a shit. Unpacking seems so trivial when you look at the big picture of all that’s happened recently.

Kara helps me into the apartment. She sets my keys on the table and turns and looks at me. She’s so fucking beautiful. And I’m the worthless scum who was trying to fuck her outside a bar rather than give her what she really needs… consolation. I know she’s hurting. Brooke was one of her good friends. They’ve known each other the better part of twelve years. The thought that she’s probably hurting as much as me, sobers me up enough to stop being a jerk.

“Why don’t you sit down and I’ll get us a drink,” I offer before moving into the kitchen. I grab two shot glasses, a bottle of Vodka, the sugar bowl and some lemon wedges. When I go into the living room, her shoes are off and her legs are folded under her.

“Here, you can set up a couple shots while I go change my clothes.” I set the accoutrements on the coffee table before walking past her.