How to Date a Nerd (22 page)

I shake my head. “It wasn’t.”

“Then why are you crying?”

Because I’m so messed up. Because I’m tired of hiding, but I’m afraid of losing everything and everyone if I’m myself. Because I’ve been a horrible person and I can’t expect to change overnight. Because I want to kiss Zak but I can’t make that mistake again. Because I feel horrible for making that mistake in the first place.

I toss the comforter off our heads and take a deep breath. “I’m sorry for kissing you.” Yes, this is what comes out my mouth. And now on top of being a complete wreck, I’m embarrassed too.

“What?”

My cheeks blow up, and I shut my eyes tight. I let the air out in little wisps before answering him. “I don’t know why I did.”

His face puckers and his mouth opens, but either he doesn’t know what to say or he’s lost his voice because no sound comes out.

Gulp.
“I guess I didn’t know how to make you feel better. Or I was totally reading things wrong. I mean, I
know
I was, but I-I didn’t like the way you were looking. Like, you were really hurt, and I wanted to take that away from you. But I went about it the wrong way, and I’m super super sorry. I wish I could take it back, or you’d forget it happened.”

Oh man alive, would he say
something!
The silence is so much worse after I spew everything out there. Makes me feel like, yeah, he totally wishes I didn’t—

“I don’t.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t want to forget.”

What is that pounding? Is it my heart beating a million light-years a freaking nanosecond?

“Um, why not?”

He laughs and tosses his hands in the air. “Sweet Jedis, Zo, I had no
idea
how you felt about me until you kissed me. I was still under the impression I was only Dorky Driving Instructor to you.”

“Really?”

“Well, yeah.”

My head goes on rewind. I thought I’d been so transparent. “You really didn’t see me get all flustered whenever you held my hand over the shifter? Or when you were in the shower with me? Or when you pulled that giant sliver out of my leg?”

His face gets redder and redder the more I spout off examples.

“I-I thought maybe you felt something… but then you called me a stalker, and I sort of—”

“Sort of what?”

“Believed you.” He drops his eyes and starts picking at a hole in his jeans. “Zo, I’ve been thinking about you non-stop since that first kiss you gave me. Back when we were still friends and stuff. You remember?”

Hell yes I remember.

“Yeah.”

“So when you called me a pathetic geeky stalker, I believed you.”

Oh crap. That was so not one of my finer moments, and I still feel horrible about it. But what can I say to make it better? A weak-ass apology doesn’t seem to cut it anymore, but I’ll give it a shot.

“Zak, I—”

“I know you’re sorry, and you didn’t really mean it. I know that
now.
Because you kissed me.”

Whoa. Maybe I have better timing with the whole kissing thing than I thought.

“Okay, so why did you stop it?”

“You mean, why did I let you fall flat on your ass?”

I laugh and nudge him in the arm. “It didn’t hurt that bad. I mean, the rejection hurt worse than the big bruise on my butt cheek.”

He chuckles and keeps picking at that hole in his jeans. “You know why I stopped it. I was afraid of getting close to you, only to lose you again.” He shakes his head. “That and you were still a little groggy from that party.”

Yikes! I hope he doesn’t think I kissed him because I was still drunk or something.

“You gave me another chance, though. Why?” I shrug away from him and stand up, crossing my arms across my waist. “I still don’t get it. So what if you saw me reading comic books under my blanket? It doesn’t make up for all the crap I’ve pulled. Gosh, Zak, I’m a horrible person. Why the heck do you want to be my friend?”

He jumps off the bed and wraps his arms around me. Then he gulps like he reacted way too fast, so I cuddle into him, letting him know he’s totally okay to hug me.

His chest relaxes under my cheek. “You will
always
be my friend.” He tilts my face up, those darn black eyes pulling me under. “I know who you really are, and I like it. I wish you felt the same way about yourself.”

I do think I’m pretty cool in the dorkiest way possible. It’s everyone else who will think I’m lame to the umpteenth degree.

Except him. This guy standing here telling me he likes me for who I really am. Who called me sexy for wearing a Green Lantern shirt and talking X-Men under my comforter. Who’s given me way more chances than I deserve to be the friend and person I know—and he knows—I can be. Butterflies don’t even begin to describe what’s going on in my stomach.

The goofiest of grins plasters on my lips. “So, you didn’t stop kissing me because you don’t feel
that
way about me, right?”

He chuckles. “Didn’t you notice how flustered
I
got? How weak I am when it comes to you? Dammit, Zo, you’ve got me.” He pauses, pressing his forehead against mine. I’m pretty sure I’m not breathing. “If you want me.”

How could I not want him? He’s all I’ve wanted since forever.

I pull him into a tighter hug, kissing his earlobe before I whisper to him. “Nin ore lin.”

He laughs and pulls back to peck me on the forehead.

“You have my heart too.”

Chapter 28

Maybe she’s not the devil.

It’s two in the morning and I’m still wired. There’s no way I’m getting any freaking sleep tonight.

Reason one: Dad’s still not home even though he said he’d be. Darn father. At least he’s texting me, which is super cute, by the way. His fingers are too big for the autocorrect so he sends some hilarious unintentional messages, but the last one he got right.

i’ll be home soon sweetheart just washing up GO TO SLEEP

PS, he doesn’t know how to use punctuation, but his caps lock works just fine. Maybe my dorkiness does come from my daddy.

Reason two: I keep playing the afternoon with drool-worthy potential boyfriend on repeat. Over and over and over. My back tingles from reliving the flashlight being dragged across it. I will wear a glow-in-the-dark shirt every day for the rest of my nerdy life if he does that every time I do.

And is it wrong for me to think he’s so perfect? I mean, that’s usually off-putting, right? But he is so geeky perfect for me, it’s not even funny. Why does no one else see this about him? I’m not complaining because that means I get him to myself, but really, what is wrong with the girls in my high school? It’s a sad day when only Ariana can see how freaking hot and amazing the boy is.

Or maybe they all have a secret crush on him but are too afraid to tell anyone because of his reputation. Um, like me.

Reason three: I hate to admit it, but I’m effing terrified of going to school tomorrow… or I guess in a few hours now. I’m not sure who to hang out with, or how to act. On the one hand, tomorrow I have classes with Hope, and I’m sure she’d be totally cool with whatever. She did say she had my back no matter what. I really hope she meant that.

Then on the other hand I want to hang out with Zak and his friends. They really are more my group of people. But they’ll all be shooting fiery arrows at me with their eyes.

And I know it’s super lame to keep thinking this, but I don’t want to be laughed at. Thinking about everyone’s face when they see what I plan on wearing makes my heart stop beating for a few seconds.

Yeesh, can’t think about that anymore. I’d rather think about kissing Zak again. I’m surprised he didn’t kiss me earlier. We totally had the sexual tension thing going on, but I was too chicken to go for it and then get another rejection, despite all he was saying. And he never dove in. Whether that was because he was chicken too or he didn’t want to is something I’ll never know. But it makes me all the more self-conscious.

Something creaks outside my door and zaps me from all my jumbled thoughts. Oh good, Dad’s home. It’s about time.

I hop out of bed and slowly open the door.

Huh. The hallway by Mom and Dad’s room is empty. Weird.

“Hey.”

I jump back with a “Holy Batman!” and trip over my rug on the floor, landing square on my already bruised butt.

“Sorry,” Sierra says, stifling a laugh as she helps me back up, “I didn’t mean to scare you. I thought you saw me.”

“I thought Dad was home.” I straighten my PJ top. “What are you doing awake?”

She shrugs. “Can’t sleep.”

“Me neither.” If she didn’t sound so sad, I probably would’ve told her to go back to bed. But I can’t because despite our not-so-sisterly relationship, I still want to make sure she’s okay. “Wanna talk about it?”

She shrugs again, but her eyes flick to mine, totally saying yes. I smile and climb under the sheets, patting the place next to me.

I can count the sister bonding moments I’ve had on one hand… on one finger actually. But still, she looks like she needs someone to talk to, and I’m wide awake anyway.

“What’s up?” I ask as she slides in next to me.

She nibbles her bottom lip and looks at her fingers. “A-are you okay?”

“Huh?”

She sighs. “Zoe, you were crying for almost two hours out on the porch in our nerdy, yet
totally
sexy neighbor boy’s arms. Forgive me if I’m a little worried.”

“You’re worried about me?” I know I sound like a friggin’ idiot, but I’m in shock. The only time Sierra shows concern is when she wants something. And I had no idea she realized how super sexy Zak is.

“I’ve never seen you like that.”

“I’m fine.” I attempt a smile. “I didn’t mean to scare you. It was a tough day at school.”

“What happened?”

“Just utter humiliation.” We both laugh, and I link elbows with her. “But thanks for making sure I was okay.”

She nudges my shoulder, and we sit in silence for a minute. We hear Dad get home, but he goes straight to his room. The shower goes on, and I listen to the water run through the pipes, my eyes drooping.

I glance at Sierra to see if she’s zonked out, but her cheeks are blown and her brow furrowed.

“Are
you
okay?”

She gives me a half smile. “Do you like him?”

“Who?”

“Zak?” She nods toward the window.

Majorly blushing right now. I’m glad it’s so dark. “Uh, yeah. I do.”

“And, you aren’t worried about what that’ll do to your rep?”

Now I blow up my cheeks and let the air seep out before I answer. “Not really anymore, no.”

“Wow.”

“What?”

“I… I mean I wish I could be that confident.”

Yeah, me too.

“So you don’t think less of me for liking the geeky next-door neighbor?”

She shakes her head. “I’m actually way jealous.”

What? “Why?”

“Because I’m pretty sure he won’t pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to do.”

Her face flushes in the moonlight from the window. Oh gosh. Is she talking about her boyfriend?

“Um, I heard about you and Kevin.”

Her eyes zap to mine, totally scared as hell. “Nothing happened. I mean I haven’t slept with him.”

“I know. Your butt has been grounded since the accident.”

A huge sigh of relief escapes her. “Can I tell you something if you promise not to tell anyone?”

I nod, sliding closer to her.

“So, that morning, the morning I stole your car…”

“Yeah…?”

“I-I crashed on purpose.”

“What?!”

“Shh!” Her eyes go to my door then land back on me.

“Why the heck would you do that, Sierra?”

She frowns. “I crashed on purpose because, well, I don’t think I’m ready to…” Her voice trails off and her eyes land smack on my birth control.

“Have sex?”

She nods. “I’m sorry. I know you’re probably even more pissed at me now, but I—”

“I’m not mad.” Because I’m so not mad at all. “I’m kind of happy you crashed my car. Even if it was really stupid because you landed yourself in the freaking hospital! But, I’m not mad.”

“What?”

“I’d rather have a folded engine than have you do something you’re not ready for. Is it ’cause you felt like you had to in order to keep him as your boyfriend?”

“That and it’s what people expect from me.” She sighs. “You know how it is. You were my age too when you gave up the V.”

I shake my head. “Wanna know a secret?”

She cocks her eyebrow. “Okay.”

I drop my voice and lean in, smiling. “I’m still a virgin.”

“No way!”

“Way.” I laugh and she laughs with me. I swear this is the most relaxed we’ve ever been with each other.

“Why does everyone think you aren’t then? I mean, I thought with all the guys you’ve dated one of them was bound to get in your pants.”

“That’s the problem with my reputation. And the one you’re trying to keep up too. Guys will think that, and some won’t stop until they get what they want.”
Ahem… perv boy Cody.
“If you aren’t ready, you need to make sure Kevin knows.”

“What if he dumps me? Or calls me a prude? Or spreads nasty rumors about what a tease I am?” Her eyes water. “How… how do I handle that?”

I don’t know how to answer, because I’m still trying to figure that out myself. But I can’t just sit here either. I wrap my arm around her and squeeze her shoulders. If there is anything I can do, then I will. Take away all this pain and protect her from anything that’ll hurt. Especially since she’ll be entering the halls of high school next year. She shouldn’t have to go through what I’ve gone through. The fake stuff, I mean. She should be proud of who she is, since she’s pretty cool. I’ve never told her that. I probably should.

“No matter what happens, you won’t be handling it alone. I promise.”

Chapter 29

I think Zak is really Peter Parker.

Thwump!

I shoot from my bed, looking for Sierra but she must’ve gotten up already. What time is it? And what the heck was that noise?

“You really need to start setting your alarm, silly girl.” Zak climbs into the window, easily maneuvering to a crouched position, ducks under the frame and hops into my room. He lands in a Spiderman-like squat before straightening.