Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (74 page)

growth cycle,
242
,
243
–244,
245
–246

kinship versus marriage,
273
–274

overview,
35
–37

See also
borrowed functioning; emotional fusion; emotional gridlock; Four Points of Balance

relative positions in a relationship,
9
–10

reptilian brain

and mind-mapping,
52
,
57
,
404
n
64,
406
n
89

and new love,
23

as one of three sub-brains,
400
n
29

and sense of self,
27
–28

research

on affairs of married couples,
134
–135,
166

on brain activity, sexual desire, and sense of self,
23
–29

on cultural polygyny and monogamy,
134

on gender and sex drive,
349

Marriage and Family Health Center Dateline–NBC survey,
317
–318

post-traumatic stress disorder,
266

resilience science,
20

resilient collaborative alliances,
98
–99,
267
–268,
269
,
271
,
275
–277

Resurrecting Sex
(Schnarch),
xviii
–xix,
407
n
95,
414
n
178

Ridley, Matt,
405
n
68

right brain–left brain integration,
283
–285,
303
,
312
–313,
317
,
359

romantic love stories,
192
–193

romantic love versus lust or attachment,
24
–25,
398
n
15,
398
n
18

romantic view of desire,
xvi

S

sadism

Devil’s Pact,
221
–228

emotional abuse,
214

in families while growing up,
215
–218

healthy aggression versus,
354
–355

normal marital sadism,
211
–215,
225
,
229
–230,
251
,
354

overview,
208
–209

tickling as,
301
,
313

torture,
213
–214

sadistic personality disorder,
212

safety and security (or lack thereof) in marriage,
237
–241,
245
–247

self-awareness,
32
–34,
98
,
173
–174,
337
–338,
400
n
32,
401
nn
33–36,
See also
sense of self; Solid Flexible Self

self-confrontation

and collaborative alliances,
275

depth of,
127

for driving relationship forward,
128
–129

and integrity,
233

moving through critical mass,
250
–251

recognizing your old thoughts are no longer true,
154
–155

on results of co-constructions,
225
–228

and self-soothing,
202
–206

on source of low desire,
183

self-regulation,
90
–91,
233
,
358
.
See also
Four Points of Balance

self-soothing,
175
–176,
243
–244,
275

self-validated intimacy

and Four Points of Balance,
106
,
120
–121

HDP in control,
111
,
246

mind-mapping in,
109
–110

mixing other-validated and,
129

overview,
104
–105

as requirement in marriage,
106
–108,
116
–117

resolving gridlock via,
120
–127

and self-confrontation,
127
,
128
–129

synchrony in,
122
,
130

semen, tasting,
381
–382

sense of self

biological and evolutionary aspects,
25
–29,
402
nn
44–46

borrowed functioning,
44
–46

and choosing a partner,
188
–189

developing your,
31
–32

drive to preserve,
83
–84

increasing capacity for desire,
64

sexual desire, interaction patterns, and,
35
–36

simulative mind-mapping versus,
56
–57

See also
reflected sense of self; Solid Flexible Self

separation as a tool for self-soothing,
204

serotonin,
24
,
399
n
24,
411
n
155,
412
n
163

sex

anxiety during,
358

without anxiety,
311
–313,
415
n
191

sex, bringing meaning to

eyes-open sex,
324
–325,
335
–339,
363
,
416
n
195,
416
nn
198–200

with feelings and emotions,
19
–20,
70
,
182
,
264

as human ability,
182
,
187

and need to be wanted,
190

See also
tender loving sex

Sex Contract, The
(Fisher),
23

sex, unnatural nature of,
4
–5

sex without anxiety,
311
–313

sexual aggression,
354
–355

sexual arousal,
415
n
191

sexual boredom,
160
,
161
–166,
168
–171,
345
–346

sexual debt,
145
,
409
n
120

sexual desire

and autonomy,
201
–202

in the bedroom,
372
–375

as common tool for torturing your partner,
211
–215

and intimacy,
129
–130

and marriage,
63
–64

mating and procreation versus,
22
,
87

as motivation,
184
–185

overview,
182
–183

from physical body,
264

and sense of self,
25
–29,
402
nn
44–46

sense of self, interaction patterns, and,
35
–36,
47
–50

and sexual dysfunction,
414
n
178

thinking and feeling aspects,
xv
,
8

three drives of love and,
23
–25,
87
–88,
399
n
19,
399
nn
22–25

and ticklishness,
313
–315

traditional views,
xvi
,
5
–7

and well-differentiated monogamy,
154
–156

See also
life experiences

sexual desire problems

from anxiety-driven attachment,
238
–239

autonomy and connection as concurrent desires,
34

from caring more about your partner than yourself,
166
–171

communication using Four Points of Balance,
95
–97

from constant validation requirements,
116
–117

four-step strategy,
89

gridlock-induced,
84

as indication relationship is working,
18
–19

integrity and,
234

and intent,
193
,
220

lack of collaborative alliance,
277

as marriage process,
63
–64

and mind-mapping,
55
–56

from partner more important than yourself,
170
–171

rationalizing,
219
–220

self-development via,
33
–34

and two-choice dilemmas,
197
–202,
207
,
213
–214

sexual desire problems as normal

boredom as inevitable,
164
–165,
168
–171

control process,
16
–17

inclusive attitude,
xix

LDP and HDP as inevitable,
9
–11,
21
–23,
33
–34

LDP as controller,
11
–16

middle phase of marriage,
63
–64

overview,
xvii

reflected sense of self and borrowed functioning,
40
–46

result of interaction in the relationship,
32
,
36
–37

and uncomfortable,
17
–19,
34

sexual desire’s dark side.
See
sadism

sexual novelty,
165
–166,
168
–170

sexual potential,
336
–343

sexuality,
167
–168,
348
–351

sexually transmitted diseases (STDs),
380

sharing attention,
52

Siegel, Daniel,
373
–374

simulation aspect of mind-mapping,
56
–57,
406
n
88

social defeat stress,
266

social institution, monogamy as a,
153

social interactions and mind-mapping,
51

society,
153

Solid Flexible Self

ability to experience autonomy and connection,
34
–35,
46
–47,
399
nn
22–25

autonomy and attachment,
91
–93,
113

autonomy versus defiance,
113
,
143
–144,
201
–202

borrowed functioning versus,
44
–45

from collaborative alliance practices,
328

example of,
94
–95

giving up need to be needing,
200

LDP loses control of HDP with,
112

and level of differentiation,
88
–89

love relationships for developing,
36
–37,
39
,
63
–64