It Had To Be You (19 page)

“
Soph?”

“
I’m going out on a limb here, but I
can’t watch you suffer any more. I think you should give you and
Beck’s relationship a try.”

Lela sighed and ran a restless hand through
her hair, which she’d forgotten she’d braided. “As if I don’t think
about that all the time.”

“
But?”

“
I could risk it for me, I care about
him so much. But I can’t risk Josh.”

“
You’re risking Josh right now. By
letting him be with Beck.”

She bit her lip. “In certain situations. And
for a contained amount of time. That’s as far as I’ll go. We don’t
really have a choice in the boys being together. It’s brought both
of them out of their shells. But having Beck around all the time?
No. As a pediatric nurse, you know the stats on how PTSD affects
kids. Beck and I have both seen it up close.”

“
I understand that. But I don’t think
you can do this much longer, Lee.”

“
I have to. We both have to stick to
our plan.”

“
I’m so sorry.”

She sighed. There was little else to say.

Her phone went off again. She checked the ID
and the nurse at the desk said, “Come quick, Lela. There’s been a
bad accident. Lots of people. Heavy casualties. Kids, too. We’re
calling everybody who’s available in.”

Clicking off, she said, “An accident. Heavy
casualties. Some kids. Let’s go.”

They flew out the door and raced to the ER,
all thoughts of Beck and Lela’s doomed relationship forgotten.

o0o

As he’d told Lela, Beck had had fun at the
movies. The story was cute and he’d enjoyed seeing Tommy and Josh
laugh aloud at the antics of the ogre and his crew. Both boys
needed more laughter in their lives. Now, as he drove them to his
condo, he glanced in the backseat. Tommy held a comic book and was
reading aloud to Josh. His heart expanded in his chest as he
watched them together. Apparently Tom enjoyed being a big brother,
and Josh liked having one. Maybe, just maybe, getting the two boys
together was worth the hell he and Lela were going through to
arrange it.

She’d sounded so sad on the phone, like she
missed him as much as he missed her, that he wanted to rush over to
the hospital and tell her they had to work this out. But he knew he
wouldn’t do it. They both needed to be strong.

Splat! Damn. A bird had flown overhead and
dropped his business on the front window. It dotted the entire
driver’s side.

“
Hey, Dad. That bird pooped all over
your window.”

“
I see that.”

“
You should go to the car wash,” Josh
suggested. “I like when Mom goes through it.”

Shrugging, Beck took a few turns and found
the nearest car wash. Chatting easily with the boys, he pulled in
line; a worker sprayed the car with water. Josh and Tommy plastered
their faces to a side window, and the kid obliged by spraying right
at them. They giggled, making Beck grin.

Another worker motioned for him to move up,
and that one took his payment, then soaped the car, giving special
attention to the boys’ faces. When the light flashed green, he put
the car in neutral and sat back.

The first major spray coated the entire car.
The boys whooped.

But Beck began to sweat. Being closed in was
never easy for him and he’d forgotten how…confined the car was in
this process. He breathed in through his nose and slowly let it out
his mouth. Once the soap was washed off, his skin began to cool.
The kids got a kick out of the blue belt-like brushes and pretended
they were monsters from outer space. Beck looked down at the
steering wheel. The belts reminded him of something, but he
couldn’t place what.

On the second soaping, the car was even more
opaque. And Beck’s stomach began to churn. Oh, God no. Not now. He
tried deep breathing as a counselor had taught him to do. Again the
soap cleared.

The last part of the car wash was a hard
spray of water on all the surfaces, glass included.…

Oh, God, the sandstorm had come out of
nowhere. With his men behind him, he yanked the kerchief up to
cover his mouth and pulled his goggles over his eyes. He hoped the
men behind him did the same. They’d trained for this. Gales of sand
rolled in like a tornado, and all they could do was stop and ride
it out. He thought fleetingly of the sand fleas this would bring
with it.

A loud clatter rent the air as the dirty
cloud passed over them. The sand began to abate but blue cloth
appeared before him. The clothes of the enemy. He lifted his
gun…

There was pounding. Beck opened his eyes to
hear, “Hey, Mister, you okay?”

Glass dripped with water, but he could see
out of it now. One of the workers was standing close. Beck slid
down the window.

“
What’s wrong?” the guy
asked.

Mortified, Beck began, “I…I…look, I’m a vet.
I had a…” Oh, Jesus. “Step back!” he barked and the kid did, just
in time for Beck to bolt out of the car and vomit all over the
pavement. When he finished, he wiped his mouth and noticed the four
guys off to the side. They were teenagers and their expressions
were disgusted. Hell. He’d made a mess and it stunk to high hell.
When he turned, he saw Tommy’s and Josh’s faces pressed up against
the window again.

He wanted to die at the abject fear in their
eyes.

o0o

Sitting in her car, Lela stared at Beck’s
condo complex. The outside was well kept, with lush landscaping,
mature trees and paved sidewalks. She stared at it, unable to
move.

In the hour she had left on her shift, they’d
lost two husbands, a grandfather, one three-year-old child and the
cab driver. The scent of blood and death still clung to her, and
her heart ached for the relatives of these people who’d been the
victim of a man driving his pickup truck drunk. The guy hadn’t had
a scratch on him. A black pall had been cast over a group of people
who, minutes before, had been overjoyed at saving a child.

She’d phoned Beck and told him she’d be late.
He’d offered take the kids to the Allens’, but she had Josh’s
duffle bag in her car. He’d sounded odd on the phone but said
everything was okay.

Everything wasn’t okay with Lela. Staring
death in the face, as she had in the nightmarish scenario, had hit
her harder than the time a squad of seven soldiers had been killed
in an IED explosion and she’d had to patch up the remaining three.
Maybe it was because one of the dead today was a child. Or because
for hours she listened to the wrenching sobs of the grieving wives,
whose lives had been unalterably shattered. Maybe it was going from
such a high, saving the little drowning victim, to the abyss of so
much loss.

And maybe it was because her reserves of
strength had been depleted in the weeks she’d been trying not to
fall victim to Beck’s spell.

Now, in the depths of despair, she wondered
why she avoided the joy they could have together. Sophia’s words
echoed in her brain.
I think you should give your relationship a
try.
Followed by the slap of cold hard reality in her face:
we never have as long as we think we have!

“
Fuck it,” she said. “I’m done with
this. I’m going to take a chance.” Whipping open the door, Lela
exited her car, marched up the sidewalk and rang the front bell at
Beck’s condo.

He answered right away.

“
Hi,” she said breathlessly. “I’ve got
something to tell you. Something good.”

His face was pale and his eyes haunted.
“Yeah, I’ve got something to tell you, too.”

o0o

Had Beck ever felt any worse about himself?
If he had, he couldn’t remember the time or place. The thought of
telling Lela what had happened to him in front of the boys made his
chest tight as they crossed into the living room. The pressure
kicked up to angina when Josh bounded off the couch and ran to her.
He threw himself at his mother and held her in a death grip because
Beck had scared the living daylights out of him.

“
Hey, Josh.” Lela held her son tightly.
“What’s wrong?”

“
Beck got sick, Mom, like Daddy does
sometimes.”

Her gaze snapped to Beck’s face. He said
simply, “I had a PTSD attack in the car wash. It scared the
boys.”

She watched him. He was sure she was torn
between worry about Josh and the desire to comfort Beck.

“
I’m so sorry, Lee.”

Standing, she touched his arm. It was a kind
gesture, but the disappointment in her eyes knifed him. “Me, too,
Beck. For you.” Disentangling herself from Josh, she held him apart
from her. “Honey, are you okay?”

“
I got afraid, Mommy.”

“
I know. It’s frightening when Daddy
gets sick, too.”

“
I didn’t like it.”

“
Neither did I, Josh.” Beck knelt down
so he looked the boy in the eye. There was none of the pleasure in
Josh’s eyes that he usually showed when he was with Beck. “I’m so
sorry I scared you. The car wash scared me.”

Josh peeked up at him. “It did? You’re so
big.”

“
Big people get afraid sometimes.” He
glanced over at his own son. Tommy, sitting on the couch, wouldn’t
even look at him. Had he just destroyed the fragile bond he’d been
building with the boy?

Lela waited until Beck rose and put her hand
on Josh’s shoulder. “We should cancel the trip with your
grandparents. Why don’t you just stay home with me, baby?”

Tommy bolted up off the couch. “No, please,
Mrs. Allen. I wanna go.”

Josh remained silent.

Tommy crossed to him. “Don’t you want to be
with me anymore, because of my dad?”

Jesus, could this get any worse? Beck had to
look away from the sight.

Finally, Josh spoke up. “I do. I wanna go on
the rides with you.” He looked at his mom. “Can we still go with
Grandma and Grandpa?”

“
If you want to.”

Josh took Tommy’s hand. “I do.”

She transferred her gaze to Beck. He expected
disgust, anger, accusation in her eyes. Instead, there was pity. It
was almost worse. “Is it all right if they still take the
trip?”

“
Yeah, sure. Tommy’s ready.” He cursed
the hoarseness in his voice, but he could barely speak.

“
I’ve got Josh’s bag in the car.” She
motioned to the boys. “Then let’s do this, guys.”

Beck watched as his son got his duffle and
headed past him to the door. Josh followed suit. Lela called out,
“Wait on the stoop, guys.”

When they were alone, she turned to him.
“Beck, Josh will get over this.”

“
Nothing I don’t deserve.”

“
Oh, Beck, no. This isn’t your
fault.”

“
Of course it is.”

“
I don’t want to leave you like this.”
He knew she meant the words, and that made things all the
worse.

“
Go, Lela. Now and forever. I’m no good
for you. For your boy.” When she hesitated, he said raggedly,
“Please.”

She watched him for a few excruciating
moments. Then, standing on her tiptoes, she kissed him briefly on
the mouth. Finally, she walked out of the house.

Beck closed the door behind her, and leaned
his forehead against the cool wood. He stayed there for a long
time, trying to diminish the almost intolerable pain he felt at his
inadequacy.

o0o

Lela had seen atrocities in her life, both
physical and mental. But the pain in Beck’s eyes when his son
walked out on him was so deep, she wanted to weep for him. She
simply had to make him feel better.

So, after she dropped the boys off at Len’s
parents’ house, she made a quick trip home and then headed out
again. When she reached Beck’s condo for the second time tonight,
she found the windows completely dark. Still, she pulled into the
driveway, got out of her car and checked the windows of the garage,
where she saw his SUV. He was probably sitting alone in the dark
suffering.

Not if I can help it.

At the front door, she rang the bell. No
answer. She rang again. Still the silence. She tried the door
handle and couldn’t turn it. Looking around, she noticed a path on
the far side of the garage to the back of the unit. She followed
the stone, circled the end of the building and came upon an
eight-foot-high fence. And found a patio on the other side.

He was stretched out on a chaise; a bottle of
beer sat on the table beside him. One arm was thrown over his eyes,
and his body was rigid.

“
Beck?”

He bolted up, his hands gripping the arms of
the chaise. “Lela? What…?” He raked his hand through his hair and
stared at her for a few seconds. “Why are you here?”

All she’d known was that she couldn’t leave
him alone in such misery. “I needed to see you.”

“
I’m okay.” He sank back onto the
chaise. “You didn’t have to come back over.”

“
Of course I did.”

He studied her. “What’s that?” He pointed to
a bag she carried.

Though she’d faced down war and terror, her
insides churned at the risk she was about to take. “Clothes,
toiletries.” She raised her chin. “Condoms.”

She hadn’t expected his face to darken, and
anger to flare in those beautiful eyes. “No.”

“
No?”

“
I don’t want a mercy fuck.”

She shook her head. “That’s not what I’m
thinking.”

“
What could you
possibly
be
thinking to come here like this?”

Again, she went on instinct. Dropping the bag
on the bricks, she moved to him. Slowly, she straddled the chaise.
Straddled him. “Why, kind sir, my little southern heart is
flutterin’ at the thought of makin’ love with you.”