It Matters To Me (The Wandering Hearts Book 2) (28 page)

He nods. “I do realize that, which is why I plan to be on the first plane I can back to the states.”

I shake my head, “I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty or anything.”

“Guilty, God no. I just know I’m going to miss you like crazy. I doubt I can last too long without you here.”

“Ugh,” I moan in disgust.

“What’s wrong?” he asks as he leans in.

“We’re that couple aren’t we?”

He lifts his eyebrows in confusion. “I’m not sure what couple you’re referring to.”

“The one that is crammed so far up each other’s asses that they don’t notice the rest of the world around them,” I mutter.

He grins from ear to ear.

“What’s that for?” I inquire.

“Just picturing being crammed up your ass,” he whispers.

I shove him. “Gross,” I groan, my face briefly flushing a bright shade of red.

“Seriously, though,” he continues with a chuckle. “I like who we are. I like that you make me forget the rest of the world.”

“I wish I could forget the rest of the world,” I grumble, thinking of Ben back in Chicago, confined to a hospital bed.

Aiden leans in and presses his lips to my temple, delivering a gentle kiss. “I’m sure he’s going to be okay, babe.”

I nod, and a moment later I hear the boarding call for my flight. We stand, and Aiden walks me to my gate, never letting go of my hand. I love how hard it is for him to separate himself from me. I can’t help feeling the same way. My hand in his makes sense.

“I’m going to miss you,” I say to him, my lips thinning out.

“I know,” he whispers back, sucking in a deep breath and pulling my body in against his chest. He kisses my forehead. “I’m going to miss you, too.”

We linger as the other passengers board. I don’t want the embrace to end. I don’t want the certainty I feel in this moment toward Aiden to fade. Finally, the airline employee at the boarding station clears his throat.

“You better go,” Aiden says, breaking away from me. I nod, lean in for one more kiss, and turn toward the flight that will carry me to Chicago. Carry me to the uncertainty of the future of the man I once loved. Never have I wished more than anything that I could turn feelings off.

A
S THE FLIGHT RUMBLES DOWN
the runway, the tears begin to flow. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s because I feel helpless. Maybe it’s because I know how much Ben is hurting right now and it’s shattering me. Or, there’s also the chance it’s because I just had to tell the man I think I might be falling in love with that I had to leave him and the most amazing time of my life to race home and be at my ex-boyfriend’s side.

“Are you okay, dear?” An older woman asks. I look through blurred vision at her concerned eyes, her round face framed with wisps of gray.

I force a smile and clear my throat. “Yes, thank you. I’m just worried about a sick friend.”

“Oh my, what’s wrong with them?” She asks, as the plane begins to lift off the runway. I’m fine with flying. However, I am not okay with take off and landing. Gripping the armrests, I decide a little conversation might serve me well.

“He was in an accident,” I explain.

“Is he going to be all right?” her concern is genuine, and warmth washes over me. Aiden has a habit of only seeing the bad in people. I wished he could meet this woman and see the kindness behind her eyes.

“I don’t know yet,” I shake my head, as the plane continues to climb. “He was in an accident at work. As soon as I got the call, I got on a plane.”

“Oh, well then he must be very special to you.” My stomach drops at her words. He is special to me. Why should that upset me so much? I was never dishonest with Aiden about Ben. I told him I was in love with Ben at one time. He must know that I’m returning because I still care for him. Oh my God, I still care for him, what does that even mean?

I nod. I don’t want to talk to this woman anymore. “We were friends in college.” Why did I feel the need to oversimplify my relationship with Ben to her? Is there something I’m afraid to admit?

“Oh, really? Wow, you’re some friend then.”

“Thank you,” I smile again, before wiping my cheeks and laying my head back, closing my eyes. She takes the hint and falls silent. As the plane levels out, I can hear her rummaging around in her purse next to me. Peeking through just a slit, I see her pull out a book. A book! Damn it, why didn’t I think of that? Anything would be useful at this point to keep my mind off of Aiden or Ben.

Jesus, Ben. I can’t even imagine what his mom and dad are going through right now. After losing Ben’s brother in Afghanistan, I thought that family would never be the same. I suppose in some ways they aren’t. But now, this.

I’m not even sure if Ben will want to see me. I mean hell, I haven’t accepted his calls since, God … I can’t even remember the last time I spoke to him. Was I cruel? What if I had never left? Would he have even gotten in an accident? Wouldn’t we have found a way to be happy? We were happy once, weren’t we?

My thoughts drift to Aiden. What I feel when I’m with him is so utterly and completely different than anything I have ever felt when I was with Ben. Aiden makes me feel alive. He makes me feel like it’s okay to dream. Hell, I never even knew I wasn’t dreaming before. But Ben, he made me feel safe. He made me feel loved. He was loyal.

Jesus Kenzie, you’re describing good traits to have in a dog, not a boyfriend.

The plane feels like a casket. I’m trapped. I can feel the oxygen being used up around me. I know in my gut though I’m fooling myself. Ben was so much more to me. I wish I could scream so loud that he could hear me all the way in Chicago, but what would I even say? “Don’t worry, I’m here!”

I imagine what Ben looks like. Is the light in his eyes that drew me to him that first night in the bar on campus gone? His mom once told me that she wished she could take her son’s place when he was killed in action. I never understood how she could feel that way until now. I’d give anything for Ben not to be going through this, including putting myself in his place. But what in the hell does that mean about us? If I’m over him, and if I’m with Aiden now, how does that even make sense?

To my left, I can hear a Kenny Chesney song blaring from some kid’s headphones. Damn it, I didn’t even bring my headphones.

Summoning the stewardess, I purchase a pair of the crappiest set of headphones. Shoving them onto my ears, I slip them into the jack on the side of my seat and watch the scrolling commercials on the screen in front of me. I’m trapped on the longest flight imaginable with nothing to distract me from the thoughts plaguing me. No matter what the in-flight movie is, it has to be better than this.

I watch and wait impatiently. My breath catches in my throat when I see the movie begin. Are you freaking kidding me? P.S. I Love You. It couldn’t be a comedy on this flight, oh no, it has to be about a girl and her dead husband.

I
FUMBLE THROUGH MY BAG,
pulling out my phone to answer the ringtone. It’s Annabelle.

“Hello?” I say, my voice soft so the driver can’t hear.

“Is he okay?” she asks.

“I don’t know yet, I’m still in the taxi,” I answer. “But I’m heading straight there.”

“Your mom called me,” Annabelle says. “She wanted to know if I’d heard from you yet.”

I sigh, “I told her I would call her when I got in.”

“Apparently, Aiden called her.” Annabelle’s statement surprises me.

“What?”

“Yeah, she seemed surprised too.”

“Why would he have called her?” I ask, trying to make sense of it. I gave him a list of numbers of everyone in my life before I left, including Annabelle’s. I didn’t imagine any scenario in which he would have needed to use them.

“Apparently, he wanted to let her know you made it on the plane safely,” she explains.

“Seriously?”

“He sounds like a sweetie.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I say, my heart still aching.

“It’s okay, you’re allowed to be happy,” she assures me.

“I know!” I snap, though I’m only angry because she knows me too well. “I just have a lot of other things on my mind right now.”

I watch to make sure the driver doesn’t miss the exit. He doesn’t. “I’m almost there, I better go,” I add.

“Your mom saw him.” Annabelle ignores my statement.

“Who? Ben?”

“That’s what she said.”

“Well?” I gasp. “How is he?”

“You know your Mom,” she groans. “When I asked her, she said she didn’t feel up to talking about it, and she was sure you would fill me in when you saw him.”

“God, I can’t stand that woman sometimes,” I mutter, rolling my eyes.

“Call me after you see him, okay?”

“I will.”

“Tell him and his parents that we’re all praying for them,” she adds before hanging up.

I inhale deeply, then push all the air from my lungs. I feel like I might vomit at any moment. Minutes later, the cab rolls to a stop in front of the hospital.