It Matters To Me (The Wandering Hearts Book 2) (35 page)

“W
ILL YOU PLEASE STOP!”
I shout, immediately wishing I hadn’t when I see the hurt look in my mother’s eyes.

“I—” she starts, lifting her hands in the air. “I was just trying to make sure you’re comfortable.”

“I’m fine,” I snap, more frustrated by Kenzie’s exit hours ago than my mom’s constant need to fluff my pillow or refill my water pitcher with fresh liquid.

From the doorway, I hear the clearing of a throat. My eyes dart to where I see Kenzie standing there, red cheeks, bloodshot eyes. Silence hangs in the room like a shadow, covering everyone.

“I’ll let you two be alone,” Mom says, moving to the door and stepping around Kenzie, placing one last supportive grip on her arm.

Kenzie stands in the doorway, long after my mom leaves, looking at me. It’s a familiar look. It’s the look she had in the basement the night she broke my heart.

“You came back,” I say.

“I did,” she offers a half grin, crossing the room to stand next to me. Scooping my hand into her own, I look into her eyes and think how this might be the saddest I think she has ever looked.

“Why do you hate me so much?” I ask her, my voice cracking.

“Hate you?” she scoffs. “You think I hate you?”

“You must. The way you reacted when I asked you to marry me.” I bite at her angrily with my words.

She shakes her head, “I reacted that way because part of me still loves you and I didn’t know what to do.”

“What do you mean part of you?” I fight my jaw, refusing to allow it to tremble as I ask the question.

“Ben,” she sighs, and I know I’m not going to like what I hear next. “You were the first man I truly fell in love with. You were confident, and you had so many dreams. To hear you talk about the world made me excited to go live in it. I was so certain we would get married one day.”

“We still can,” I offer, only half joking.

“You want to hear something crazy?” she asks me.

“Depends, will it make me wish I still had the use of my legs so I can jump out the window?”

“Ben!” she exclaims.

“Did you think I didn’t know?” I ask her, staring directly into her eyes. She shrugs, unable to speak. “I know my parents are just trying to protect me. Well, my mom is. My dad just doesn’t want to listen to her, so he goes along with whatever she says. I know I can’t walk, at least I’m alive.”

“Are you okay?” she places a tender hand on my shoulder, and I wish I had the strength to pull her down into my arms and kiss her. Remind her of the time when she loved me in the same way I still love her.

“Am I okay that I’ll probably never walk again? No, it sucks ass. But you know me, if there’s a chance I’ll walk, then I will.”

She’s crying now. “I’m so sorry, Ben.”

“Did you crush my spine?” I joke.

“Stop it, you know that’s not what I’m sorry for.”

“Oh, you’re sorry you broke my heart,” I chime.

“Wow, you’re not going to let me off easy, are you?” she huffs.

“You can’t help who you love, right?” I ask her.

“I’ll always love you,” she informs me.

“Just not enough to marry me?”

“Why do you even want to marry me?” she asks.

“Because I love you.”

“Why?”

I think about her question. Had I really not shown her all the reasons I loved her during our relationship? “You’re a good cook and not bad in bed.”

“Wow,” she gasps.

“Oh come on, you know I’m just kidding. Well, I mean you are a good cook, and you’re damn great in bed too, but there are a million reasons I love you. You’re smart, beautiful, talented, but probably most of all, when you love someone, you make them feel like they’re the most important person in the world.”

“Damn it,” she grumbles.

“What’s wrong?”

She pauses, then shakes her head. “I didn’t expect you to have such a good answer.”

I laugh. “Sorry, I take it all back.”

“No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. It’s not fair—the accident …”

“Accidents happen, Kenzie. I’ll live. I’ll walk again, you’ll see,” I assure her.

She breathes a snotty breath and I can’t help but smile.

“Don’t laugh at me,” she instructs me.

“I can’t help it, you’re funny.”

“I’m sorry I ran out before,” she starts. “I needed to think about things.”

My voice softens. “There’s someone else, isn’t there?”

Her expression shifts and I see the horrified look on her face.

“It’s okay, I’m not mad,” I say though I know it’s not the truth. I’m mad, just not at her. I’m mad I ever let us get to the point where another man had the chance to steal her heart.

She nods, and I do my best not to show the pain it’s causing me.

“Is he why you left me?” I don’t know why I feel like I deserve an answer, but I need to know.

She shakes her head. “No, it just started. I met him after we broke up.”

The pain is intense, and I want to lash out at her. I want to scream at her and ask how she could already love another man. How can she say in one breath she loves me and in the next tell me she’s met someone else?

“Is it serious?” I ask, despite already knowing the answer.

“It’s complicated,” she sighs, and I see the tears building up. “But I don’t want to talk about him. Let’s talk about how we’re going to get you better.”

“We’re not.” I have to force the words out of my mouth.

She looks confused. “What do you mean?”

“What I mean is I’m going to be fighting this one on my own. Well, not completely on my own—I know my parents will be there for me.”

“You’re angry,” she states.

“I’m pissed off my legs are busted up, but I’m not angry at you if that’s what you’re saying,” I clarify.

“Ben, come on, we both know this is because I won’t agree to marry you,” she says.

It only takes a moment for me to collect the words in my mind that I know she will have no response for. “No. Being around you only confuses my emotions. I respect that you don’t love me the same way anymore, but I still love you Kenz.”

“I can’t help how I feel,” she announces firmly.

I nod. “You’re right, and I deserve to be loved as deeply as I want to love someone. If that’s not going to be you, then I need a clean break.”

“I—” she starts, her words trailing off as her eyes drop to the floor.

“It’s okay.” I shake my head and she coils into herself, wrapping her arms tightly around her body, the tears now flowing freely down her cheeks.

“I’m so sorry, Ben. If I never left that night—”

“If you hadn’t left that night, you would have never figured out what makes you happy. I wasn’t that. I wish I was, but I’m not. I deserve to be the thing that makes the person I love happy.” I can’t do this anymore. I can’t beg her to leave me. I can’t convince her of why we shouldn’t be together. She’s made me a better man, but even I have my limits.

“Ben—”

I shake my head. “Kenz, I’m tired. I need to sleep.”

I hear her breath catch in her throat. “Oh, okay. I’ll call you later?”

“I think it would be best if you didn’t.”

She moves apprehensively to the door, pausing for a moment.

“Could you get the light for me?” I ask.

She nods, flipping the switch.

“Goodbye.” Her voice is an almost-whisper.

I
SIT INSIDE THE CAR
as we wait for the red light to change, replaying the scene in my head of what just happened. I’ve known Ben a very long time, but I have no idea what I just witnessed back there.

I pull my purse closer, the nagging thought that I’ve just abandoned one of the few people I care about in the world to fight the hardest battle he has ever fought, alone. Pulling out my phone, I hesitate. I know she’s probably sleeping, but the only person that can help me think straight is an ocean away.

Me:
Are you awake?

Always
my screen lights up with Anna’s reply.
I have a baby who refuses to sleep. What’s up? Ben okay?

Me:
I guess.

I have no clue.

Anna:
What does that mean?

Me:
He asked me to marry him.

Anna:
Wow. What did you say?

Me:
I ran out of the room.

Anna:
Smooth.

Also, classic Kenzie.

Me:
Thanks.

When I came back he was all weird.

I told him I couldn’t marry him.

He told me I emotionally confuse him.

Whatever the hell that means.

Anna:
Seems fair.

You emotionally confuse me all the time.

Me:
Not helping.

Anna:
You know I’m only kidding.

But isn’t that what you wanted?

Me:
I don’t know what I want

Anna:
I thought you wanted to be with Aiden.

Me:
I think he broke up with me.

Anna:
WHAT??? How on earth do you manage to twist your life all up so quickly.

Me:
I wish I knew.

Anna:
What do you mean you think you broke up?

Me:
He told me I needed to think about who I wanted to be with.

Anna:
And who do you want to be with?

I stare at the bright white screen. The question glares back at me, and I type the truth:
Aiden.

Anna:
Then I’d go un-break up with him. It sounds like you have an answer for his question.

Excitement explodes in the pit of my stomach as I instruct the driver I don’t want to head to my mother’s house anymore, delivering him the address of the only place in the world I can possibly go next.

Me:
I love your face.

Anna:
I expect a full report later… preferably after I’ve had my breakfast.

Me:
Of course.

The car rolls to a stop in front of Aiden’s studio. The lights inside are off. The driver asks me if I’m certain someone is home and that he wouldn’t want to leave me in this neighborhood if there’s not someone waiting inside for me. I tell him I’ll be fine, but he insists on waiting until he’s certain I can get in.

I thank the kind, middle-aged man, that reminds me of my father in many ways, and push open the door, making my way up the dock steps and to the large metal door of Aiden’s studio. There’s a distant scream in the night that unsettles me.

My breath gathers in my throat, feeling as if it were a softball lodged there. My heart drops into my stomach, and I suddenly feel paralyzed. What if Aiden won’t listen to me? What if he had told me that he was struggling with the choice between me and his ex? In my defense, my ex’s name isn’t Kitten, but the validity of the equation is still the same.

I pause, searching for the words that justify what I’ve put him through tonight. I can’t. Starting to panic, I turn back toward the waiting cab when I hear a door open behind me.

“Kenzie?” Aiden’s voice is shaky. It’s almost as if he’s pleading for it to be me.

I turn slowly. “Hi,” I say, waving a hand in the air awkwardly.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, blinking at me, clearly confused by my presence.

“I—” Pausing, I think of all the things I want to say to him. I want to explain that I never even knew I was capable of dreaming until I met him. But nothing I say feels like it will be enough.

He clears his throat. “You can’t marry him.” It’s more like a statement than a question.

“I thought you said you couldn’t tell me what to do.” I smile.

“I tried, but then you came back,” he answers.

Shaking my head wildly, I continue, “I told him I couldn’t. I told him there was someone else.”

Aiden doesn’t hesitate. He runs in my direction and scoops me up into his strong arms. His eyes look so dark with the night surrounding them. I stare at his full lips. “I love you, Kenzie.”