Just a Little Faith (15 page)

****

Seb
loaded up his old
J
eep and put the top down so the breeze
ble
w through his hair
,
hop
ing to
clear his mind. Today had been more difficult than expected
,
b
ut
now
he feared
every
day thereafter would only be harder. Waking up each morning
,
knowing
his girls were gone
,
would be more of a challenge than he realized
.

Paxson sat beside him
,
her hand resting lightly on his. She seemed to know what he needed at any given time. Like right now, she knew words were not as important as the calm reassurance of her touch. Part of Seb
felt relie
ved
she knew him so well. But the other part of him knew this trip out to
the
coast, even if for tragic reasons
,
would not
change the way she felt about him in regard to a relationship.

Shoot.
I don't
deserve h
er, especially after how I acted.
She
's
too good to be tied
with someone like me
.
After they returned to St. Louis, he
knew
she would want to part ways.
He couldn't be the man she wanted b
ut
,
until then,
he would
soak up every minute with her.

P
ark
ing
the
J
eep a few feet away from
the
steps
leading down to the
sand
, h
e
next
grabbed a blanket and cooler from the back seat
,
and
then reached
for
Paxson
.
T
hey walked down to the beach
arm in arm
.
Releasing her, h
e placed the cooler on the sand
,
and the folded blanket on top
.
H
e crossed his arms over his chest
and closed his eyes
. For a few seconds
the sounds of the ocean enveloped him.

To Seb
,
t
he crashing of the waves resembled the power of sadness within
him
. With every wave wash
ing
up on shore, he felt another wave of sorrow
spill from his heart to swamp him
.
Why
am I
here and
my
girls gone?
He wanted to yell
,
and scream
,
and tear his hair out. He wanted answers
.
Opening his eyes
,
he stared
out over the
water
for
a few minutes and then
spread out the blanket and
sat
down.
U
nspeaking,
Paxson
knelt
beside him
with her
eyes closed
.
He turned to stare at her,
long
ing
for the peace she
experienced
.

Pax
opened her eyes
and met his gaze.
“It's amazing isn't it?”

“What? The water?”

“Yes.
Its
power
.
T
he unfathomable depths of the ocean
,
and the extreme distance it covers.
”
She spread her arms far apart. “
The ocean reminds me so much of my Father in Heaven
.
He is all powerful and is unfathomable in
H
is love. It reaches further than we can see. Being here is like being
embraced in His loving arms
.”

He rose up on his knees beside her.
“I envy you
, you know
. I envy your unfaltering faith. But I don't understand it
,
Pax. You
'
ve seen what I
'v
e
gone
through these past few days…how
sad
my life is because my girls are gone. How could your loving Father do that? Can you tell me that? How is that love?”
Furious, Sebastian jumped up off the blanket and strode
a few feet
toward the water.

She remained on the blanket but spoke loud enough he could hear her over the waves
.
“You know I don't have the answers
,
Bash. I can't understand the reasons. I do know God tells me in His Word
‘
My ways are not your ways and My thoughts are not your thoughts.
'
No one said faith is easy. But you know what
? I
f we truly got what we deserved in this life, we would all be so miserable. We are all terrible people, all of us. We don't deserve this wonderful love He so richly bestowed on us. But He did love us. He gave us a wonderful gift of His Son and through Him we can have peace. This I am confident in. Your girls are so happy now we can't even imagine it. The joy they must be experiencing cannot be explained by human words.”

S
pinning around
to face her,
he stalked toward the blanket,
anger spew
ing
from his mouth
, arms flaying
. “I guess that should make me happy, knowing my girls are happy? But it doesn't
,
Pax. I am still sad and angry and I want to kill the kid who took their lives with my bare hands. He doesn't realize what he stole from me.”

“
You're
right. He had no right to get behind the wheel of the car and drive. He had no right to cause the accident which took your girls. But that
'
s just it
,
Bash. God didn't do it. Satan did.
Do you think
God encourag
ed
that boy to drink? Do you think God t
old
him ‘It's okay…
d
rive your car, nothing bad will happen.
You've only
had
a couple of beers.
' God didn't do all those things. Put the blame on who deserves it Bash, the devil.”

Sebastian
pivoted back to face
the
oncoming waves
,
then paused and
took a deep breath. Maybe one day what Pax said would make sense. But today…today he just wanted to stop thinking. He just wanted to feel something besides this utter sadness.

He turned suddenly and
trudged
toward her
. “Bash… You've called me Bash more today than usual. Why?”

Pax sat back in stunned silence. “I don't know. I don't even think I knew I
said it
.
” Her face reflected her puzzlement. “
Maybe because when I've called you Bash it was in lighthearted fun
,
and because I knew you liked it. Maybe because right now, more than ever
,
I want you to have something to smile about
,
even if it's just in a silly name I call you.”

Kneeling
down
in front of her,
he
reached
out
to
caress her cheek. “I love that you call me Bash
,
and thank you for trying to make me smile.”

Slowly he
inched
forward plac
ing
his lips gently
on
her cheek. He lingered waiting to see her r
eaction and when she didn't back away
, he feath
ered kisses across her mouth
,
his hands
running
through her hair. Oh
,
how he wanted to lay her down and show her how much he appreciated her. He wanted more than anything to replace this feeling of despair with something more tangible like the feel of Pax's hands on
his
skin.
Yet he knew
he couldn't.

Heeding the warnings that went off in his mind,
he
stood
.
“I'm sorry
,
Pax. I shouldn't have done that. I got carried away. It won't happen again.” He
walked
a few feet away
.

Initially
greeted with only the sound of the waves crash
ing
on the shore
, he wondered if he
'd
angered
her
.

He strained to hear her when she finally spoke.
“I know
,
Bash. I let it happen
,
as well. I know we both desire some
thing beyond this sadness
we've been
experiencing the past few days. But I think we
both
know this is not the answer.”
He t
urn
ed
to face her
. Her
eyes
remained
cast down on the blanket.

Returning to look at
the expanse of waters once again
, he struggled with how to respond
.
Sadness and bitterness filled his thoughts.
“
You're
going to leave me once we get back to the city aren't you?”

He refused to look at her
,
even when her
sharp
breath
pierced his ears
.
“I don't know
,
Bash. Part of me knows if we continue to see each other, it is only going to get harder to tell you
‘
no
'
. While the other part of me knows it will be so difficult to not be with you
,
especially now
,
as you deal with all that has gone on. I know this sound
s
trite, but
I'm
just going to have to pray about it and figure out what seems best.”

He heaved a deep sigh and
walked toward her,
stopp
ing
just short of the blanket. “It's not trite
,
Pax. Knowing
you're
praying about us and this situation means a lot to me
,
because I know praying means a lot to you.”

He face
d
the ocean
once again
,
as if the answers they were so desperate to find could be discovered in the depths of the waves.

 

Sunday morning, Paxson got ready in short order
,
so she
had
ample time to locate the church building on the other side of the city. From what she could gather from the GPS directions on her cell phone, it
was
a thirty
-
minute drive
,
if she didn't get lost, which she knew could happen even with the use of a GPS
.

L
ightly walk
ing
down
the steps, she kept the noise to a minimum
.
She assumed Seb and his parents were still asleep
after an exhausting few days
.
Looking along the table behind the sofa in the living
r
oom, she searched for the
key to the
J
eep
Seb
left for her
. She frowned. It wasn't
t
here
,
and she
knew
she'd seen him leave it out for her the night before
.

The aroma of coffee brewing tingled her senses
,
then t
he
sounds of cabinet doors
opening
startled her
.
Heading toward the kitchen, she t
u
rn
ed
the corner,
when
a robe-clad Margaret appeared before her
unrolling the morning newspaper
,
while
she pulled
a
chair out from the breakfast room table.

“Good morning
,
Margaret!”

“Good morning
,
Paxson. I wasn't sure what time you needed to leave this morning
,
but I thought you might like some coffee and toast before you left.”

Paxson glanced at the toast and an open jar of jelly on the counter.

“How thoughtful of you
.
I would love a cup of coffee before I go.”

Margaret
stood grabb
ing
a
mug out of the cabinet. “Have you see
n
Seb this morning? I thought I heard him prowling around down here before I got the coffee started.”

“No ma'am. This is my first venture down the stairs today. Perhaps he went out for a run. I know he has been looking for ways to try and clear his head.”

“Yes.
You're
probably right. He'll come crawling in here in a little bit
,
dripping with perspiration and smelling like a wet dog.” She poured the coffee and put together a tray of sugar and other assorted sweeteners. “Did you sleep well last night?”

Paxson sat
at the small table off the kitchen. “I did
,
actually. I think getting fresh air yesterday helped me quite a bit.”

“I know the salty air always does me well.”
She brought
over the cup of coffee and the tray
and
placed them on the table in front of Paxson
, before taking the seat next to her
.

No one spoke; the only sounds were the clinking of the spoon
s
against the mugs as they each doctored the coffee to their specific taste.

Suddenly, Margaret p
att
ed
Paxson's hand
.
“I can't thank you enough for all you have done for my son.
I'm
not sure he would have survived the past few days if it hadn't been for you.”

Touched by
Margaret's kind words
Pax
smiled
.
“Thank you
,
Margaret.
I'm
glad I could be here if you think it helped.”
Looking down at the table, she gave a soft sigh.
“I'm not sure what all Seb has told you. But the night he got the news about the girls, we had a…I don't know what to call it…a disagreement of sorts. And
I'm
not sure what's going to happen once we get back to St. Louis.”

Margaret
expelled
a deep breath
.
“
Well,
Sebastian mentioned he
didn't know what might
happen with you two. I don't
how much you know about my son, since
you have only known each other a couple of weeks, but
for the most part
,
Sebastian likes to tell himself he doesn't need anybody.
I know his actions the past couple of days don't reflect it
,
because
he
'
s longed to keep you close by.”

Margaret rubbed her thumb up and down her coffee mug. “
His divorce hurt him more than I think he realizes. He loved Melissa in the beginning
,
and I think he still cared for her at her death. But he was destroyed when he found out she was seeing someone else while he was off playing in the minor leagues. I admit he didn't react the way he should. I believe he felt the best way to get back at her was to do the same thing. He dated
several girls
, if you want to call it that,
during the breakdown of their marriage. It wasn't long before Melissa left him to be with Rick
.
Sebastian knew he couldn't fight for custody with his
being on the road all the time
, so he
had to deal with seeing his daughters on a sporadic basis.
I guess you noticed the tension between
h
im
and Rick
. Sebastian didn't deal well with being the
‘
other dad
'
in his girls'
lives
.”

Margaret turned
to
look out the window towards the pool
in the
back
yard
. “
One might think he should have worked harder on his marriage and given up baseball, but I think in Sebastian's mind, baseball
is
the only thing he c
an
truly count on.
He
learned he
couldn't
rely
on his wife
,
so he devoted himself to the game and decided women were just there to have fun with
,
so to speak.”

She turned
to face Pax again
and
gripped the young girl's hand in her own
. “I understand why you feel like you do. You have every right to be concerned about Sebastian's intentions.
But I
ask you to think hard before you give up on my son. I always felt it would take the right girl to make him realize he could be happy in a marriage.
”

Pax's eyes widened at the statement.

“
Now,
I'm
not suggesting you all go and get married next week. But if you feel in your heart you can be patient and see what happens, I believe you
,
too
,
will be happy.”

Paxson didn't quite know what to say.
S
he was s
urprised by Margaret's
openness
. “
I appreciate your honesty
,
Margaret. I can assure you I will take what you said seriously. I have
,
and am still discovering many wonderful qualities Sebastian possesses. My decision won't come without much thought and prayer.”

“It's all I can ask for. Give him some time, dear. He might just surprise you.”

The sound of the front door slamming caused them to divert their attention to the living room
.
Sebastian
entered but
,
m
uch to their surprise
,
he was not dripping with sweat or even slightly out of breath.
D
ressed in a pair of khakis and a long
sleeve button
-
down white shirt
,
he carried a necktie in his hands.

“Son, where've you been? We thought you might be out running
.
”

“No, I put the top back on the
J
eep.”

Pax nodded
in his direction
.
“You look nice. Do you have something to do today?”

“Well, I thought I might drive and go to church with you this morning
,
if it's okay. Do I have to wear a tie though?”
He held it up.

Pax's mouth
drop
ped
in surprise
.

“See…” Margaret
brought her mug to her mouth,
whisper
ing
under her breath
,
“I told you he might surprise you.”