Just a Little Faith (17 page)

 

Heart wrenching sadness magnified itself
the next
morning. Seb
had to
say
goodbye to Paxson
,
not knowing
what the future would hold
. He knew he
would
miss
her
while she
went
back
to
St. Louis and he stayed in California.
In the
short time
they had known each other, Seb
started to
realize Pax
might have
something he needed
, a
nd to go a day without seeing her face, touching her skin… even hearing her voice seared his heart. But
a part of him wanted to ignore these feelings and just let her go. He wouldn't go down that road again. He couldn't. She deserved better than
someone broken like
him.

Are you crazy Seb? Sure, she's helped
you
through a terrible time in your life. But think about it. You've only known her a few days. You can't stress thinking about settling down
with someone so soon
.
Although
forcing
the thoughts to the back of his mind,
internally he couldn't deny the attraction and the connection between them.

Afraid to speak for fear he would reveal his strong desire for her to stay, Seb chose to say nothing at all
during their drive to the airport
.
Pax remained quiet in her seat, eyes focused o
ut
the
passenger window
.
Her hand rested on the console between them, h
is fingers lightly trac
ing
over hers
,
their only communication.

Even if he didn't know what the future held, he knew he couldn't ask her stay with him any longer. I
t wasn
'
t a fair proposition.
She needed to get back to her
life and
job.
H
e had
business here
,
and somehow he needed to return to some semblance of his life as well.
Remember, you don't really need anybody or anything to get through life.
Perhaps if he kept telling himself that over and over, he
c
ould
revert
to his old way of thinking
.

Seb pulled into the short-term parking in front of the
departures
entrance.
He took her
bags out of the
back
of the
J
eep
,
while
Pax
made
sure her boarding pass
, purse
,
and
I
D
were close at hand
.
His heart beat faster watching her gather her things.
No matter what he told
himself
about not needing anyone,
letting
her walk away
tore
him up inside.

R
est
ing
her bags on the curb
,
h
e took her in his arms
.
Even in their separation, he knew he would remember the feel of her arms around him. The tender way she rubbed his back, the scent of her apricot shampoo lingering in her hair.
P
art of him
needed this
embrace
to
last a lifetime
,
to make up for the future he didn't think they would have together.
Stepping
back
,
he
took her face in his hands
and stared into her turquoise eyes. When she started to speak, he pressed his fingers against her mouth, and then replaced
them with his lips
.

She curled her hands in his hair, passionately returning his kiss.
Heat shot th
r
ough his body
arousing
his senses.
H
is desire for her overwhelming
,
he quenched the
impulse
to snatch her up
and drive off
. Gradually
pull
ing
back
, he stared into her eyes
again
.
After
laying
a gentle kiss
on
her cheek,
he
whisper
ed
, “Thank you for everything. I can never repay you for what you did for me these past few days. I hope…” His words slowly died away without finishing the sentence.

Pax
rested
her hands on his face
,
clos
ing
her eyes. “I know.”

After p
lacing
a light kiss on his lips
, she
grabbed her bags and entered the airport
,
never turning to look back.

H
is heart already in shambles from losing his
daughters
,
whatever pieces remained shattered
yet
again when
Pax
turned and walked away.

****

D
ifficult
didn't begin to describe her flight home
.
Struggling
to keep her emotions under control
, she tore her
cocktail
napkin to shreds bit by bit
.
T
he flight attendant stopped by her seat specifically to see if she needed an aspirin.
I must look terrible.
She didn't have the heart to ask him if he had something for her trembling heart.

The future of
t
he
i
r relationship depended on her
.
Although
Seb
indicated he didn't want anything long term, his actions spoke otherwise
,
and it confused her to no end.
Deciding
she would know better what to do after her talk with Michael
,
she
leaned back in the seat in an attempt to sleep
.

The car service dropped her at
her apartment a little before
evening
.
The stack of mail on the table by the door let her know
Tori had been by. Checking on her cats
and finding
the food bowl and water dish full
reminded her
she needed to call her
friend
.
She hadn't spoken to Tori since she'd left
,
and knew
her friend
had to be dying
for
an
update on her trip.
Twice she picked up the phone to dial her number
,
and both times she hung up before fin
i
shing.
Her friend had great intentions, but sometimes her energy exhausted Pax.

Even though she didn't feel up to talking to Tori, Pax needed to talk to someone. Her
mom
sat at the top of her list
.
She hadn't
had
much opportunity to speak with her
mother
since her
sudden departure to California
. He
r mom would give her some much needed perspective.

Grabbing her phone, she
then
c
ollaps
ed
on the couch
,
stretch
ing
out her legs.
A
few seconds
passed
,
and
she heard her
mom's
voice.

“Hello.”

“Mom.”
Paxson's
word
s
came out more as sob than anything else.

“Pax? Are you okay?”

“No
,
Mom. I'm not okay. I wish more than anything you were here right now. I am so confused.”

Explaining all that
happened
over
the past few days,
Pax felt like the conversation
constituted
a cleansing of her soul. It felt so good to just lay all her thoughts and worries out
f
or her
mom
to hear.

“Well, Pax. I think he
's
as confused about things as you are. He
's
been hurt in the past and is afraid of getting hurt again.
You're
inexperienced and
terrified
,
too
. The only advice I can give you
,
is
you're
going to have to
f
igure out if he is worth the risk.
”

Pax leaned her head against the back of the c
ouch
listening to her
mom's
sage advice
. “
I know it won't be easy
, honey,
because he does bring a lot of baggage with him to the table. Not only does he have the history of the bad marriage, but now
,
t
he burden of losing his family
weighs on him
,
too
. It will be a struggle for sure, but you know nothing is impossible with God. If Sebastian has the honest desire to know more about God's love for him, then our Father will provide a way. God alone can judge Sebastian's motives. You can only do so much.”

Hearing her
mom's
perspective allowed
Pax
to
look
at things different
ly
. Perhaps her motivation behind ending the relationship with Sebastian
indicated
more
about
her not
wanting to
get hurt rather than anything else. Once again,
she realized her true faith needed to be
focused on the One who knew everything.
R
ely
ing
on God
always worked in the past
. He hadn't failed her yet.
She just needed the gentle reminder from her
mom
.

****

Pax arrived early at work the next morning.
She wanted ample time
to talk over matters with Michael.

“I don't know if you've had to deal with something like this before or not
,
Michael. I can assure
you I didn't initially plan to start
seeing Seb outside of work. It just happened.” She bit her lip
, trying to gather her thoughts
before continuing. “I know this perhaps isn't the wisest decision, but it's one I've prayed about,
Michael
. No matter what, Seb and I have the same goals with this contract
,
and I think we can make it work.”

Michael
remained
quiet
,
only
o
ccasionally
nodd
ing
his head
.
A
fter a few minutes he leaned o
n
the desk
, bringing his clasped hands underneath his chin.
His face showed
little emotion
,
and
he stayed sile
nt a few moments. Fearing she'
d angered him, she
started
to speak when Michael held up his hand to
stop
her.

“I
trust your instincts
,
Pax. It'
s one
of
the main reasons I wanted to hire you. I could tell straight off you knew the best way to handle difficult situations. Not only that, I trust you as a person
.
If you say
you've
prayed about this
,
then I know that's exactly what you have done.”

Pax w
anted to
lean over in the chair and cry from relief
,
but stayed calm
while
Michael continued.
“I'm not saying this is going to be easy.
Pax
,
I trust you implicitly. I know the outside relationship you forged with Sebastian has been something you did not anticipate. I think
—
no, I know you have a good head on your shoulders
,
otherwise you
wouldn't
have come to me in the first place with your concerns. If you think this arrangement is still a viable one for LLS, then I say go with it
, b
ut I will trust you to tell me if you think it will become too difficult to continue. We can make other arrangements if that is the case.”

Paxson released a deep sigh. “Thanks
,
Michael. I appreciate the faith you have in me. Believe me, I only want to do what is best for LLS and I think keeping things the way they are is a good decision.”

Michael smiled.
“No problem Pax.
You've
been a great asset to us in the short time you have been here. I appreciate your willingness to work hard.”

Pax wanted to jump for joy.
Her discussion with her
mom,
and now Michael
,
plus her lengthy prayer last night
,
gave
her a great peace about the situation.

Only one
question
remained at the moment
:
What is Seb thinking?