Authors: Kerry Heavens
I drop a grocery bag on Jen’s counter and pull out juice for them and juice for me. I start a pot of coffee and tip the rest of the groceries out and organise them. I grab Jen’s mixing bowl and cup measures from the cabinet and start measuring out flour for the pancakes. I clatter around my friend’s kitchen for a few minutes more before Jen emerges blinking in the light, dressed in her faded Green Day t-shirt that I believe may have once been mine. I shake my head, what is it with women; all their clothes are so uncomfortable, that to relax, they have to steal ours.
“Jet-lag or crisis?” she asks, getting coffee cups down and rubbing her eyes.
“A little from column A, a little from column B,” I huff, dumping milk into the bowl with a splash. I start stirring the batter like it’s insulted my mom,. Jen watches quietly, waiting.
“I couldn’t sleep, so I started thinking,” I say, beating furiously.
“Oh, that’s never good.”
I ignore her tone and carry on.
“I love her Jen, so much.” I stop beating and pull a baking pan out of the oven, turning it on as I shut the door. “I’m so happy. I want to spend the rest of my life with her.” I start putting bacon on the pan as I speak. “But…” I pause, trying to put my fears into words.
“But, you’re afraid that if you go buy a ring, you’ll end up heartbroken and alone again.”
I freeze, how can Jen see straight through me like that?
“Well I would have put it a little less bluntly, but, yes, that’s about the size of it.”
Jen thinks for a moment. “Then don’t do it.”
I step back and stare at her.
“What?”
“Leave things as they are. Don’t push it. You’re only just back together and besides, you can be happy together without all that stress.”
I go back to putting the bacon in the oven, not knowing how to react to that.
“Disappointing, isn’t it,” she challenges.
“What?” I ask, baffled by this whole conversation.
“The thought of a steady future with no risks,” she says, revealing the point she was making with this little game.
I drop my shoulders, keeping my back to her and rest both hands on the counter. “I see what you’re doing, but you don’t understand.”
“Danny, I get it, you’re afraid of rejection, but she loves you.”
“The thing is, I know we can be happy together without all that stress…But…I took forever to get over never seeing her again and not fighting hard enough to keep her. I’ve spent my whole adult life not loving anyone, because no one was Liv. I feel I owe it to myself and to Liv, now we’re together and it’s adult and real and I can fight for it…Don’t you think I should make it everything it can be?’
“YES!” she says, exasperated. “Of course I do.”
“So you think I should.”
“What? Propose?”
I shrug, looking to her in desperation for some guidance.
“I don’t see why not, but you don’t have to do it now, do you?”
“No, I guess not. But when we were saying goodbye at the airport, I told her I was never going to let her go. Then I got this overwhelming urge to cement that somehow, promise her something. It felt so right.” I pause, shuddering at the memory it brought back. “But then I remembered how I felt that day, when she told me it would be the best thing for us both if I came here and we got on with our lives. I was ready to give up everything for us to be together and she didn’t want me to. I can’t deal with that a second time.”
“But she would probably say yes,” Jen reassures.
“I know.”
"So what's the problem?"
"I'm freaking out!" I laugh a little. I know how ridiculous this is. Calming slightly, I reason, "I know I don't have to think about this now, but I have. I've got her back Jen, something I never thought would be possible. I should make up for lost time right?"
"I think you should just calm down, you'll give yourself a heart attack," she laughs. "Let me meet her. I'll tell you where I think she's at. You know it's my special skill."
"Would you?"
God I sound pathetic! I need to pull myself together. Liv would freak if she knew what I was thinking. Vaguely, I recall the last time I was standing in this kitchen. I was a mess then too, having crazy thoughts about jumping on an airplane. That risk came off, maybe it’s worth taking another. I busy myself with breakfast while Jen pours the coffee.
Scott emerges from his pit.
"Glad you could join us," I call as he stumbles across the living room. He sits at the table and Jen puts a coffee down in front of him.
Scott has never been a morning person. He sips his coffee. In my experience, he can’t function before the caffeine hits.
"When I said, we'll see you in the morning for breakfast, I meant the morning for us, here in A-MER-I-CA," he grumbles.
Jen laughs. “Don’t listen to him. I’m glad you’re here. We need to make the most of you while we can.”
“So when is the big move?” Scott asks.
“Couple of weeks, maybe three, I don’t know. There’s nothing to it really, I’ll pack my stuff and take it with me, give notice on the apartment and store my furniture at my folks. We don’t need it but it might be handy one day. Dad’s talking about moving some of their furniture to Cabo, so he’ll use it.” I flip a pancake. “That just leaves my car, Dad will sell it for me. There’s no rush.”
Scott thinks for a minute.
“I could put a memo round the office for you, see what that does.”
“Thanks.”
He clears his throat, “So…um…what about the Shelby?”
I laugh hard. “Forget it! I’ll get it shipped.” He’s had his eyes on that car ever since I got it finished. He wasn’t interested when it was a wreck; he thought I’d lost my mind. But when he saw her all shiny, he changed his tune. I think he was jealous that I had the disposable income when he was buying a house. But he isn’t having her. Scott pouts.
My cell vibrates in my pocket, so I hastily wipe pancake batter off my hands and grab it.
“Hi.” I answer.
“Hi!” says Liv. I mouth LIV to Jen and step out into their yard.
“It’s so good to hear your voice.”
She laughs. “You’ve only been gone a day.”
“I know,” I sigh. “But it sucks.”
“Well then, I have good news.”
“Yeah?”
“Connie and I are coming tomorrow!”
“That’s fantastic. What time?”
“We land at 19:05.”
“Can I pick you up?”
“Are you sure? We can get a cab.”
“Liv, I literally have nothing to do here but wait for you to arrive, please let me meet you at the airport.”
“Thanks, that would be great.”
“So what’s going on with Grace?” I ask, more interested now it’s bringing Liv to me.
“She’s at the hospital now with Andy. Mum is waiting at their house, looking after Matthew, she thinks it will be really soon. We just decided to book a flight, the baby will come in the next few hours and we can help out when we get there.”
“Are you still going to stay with me?” It’s what we agreed, but now we’re apart I need the reassurance.
“If it’s still okay with you.”
“Are you crazy? Of course it’s okay.”
“I can’t wait to see you,” she says.
“Me too.”
“I’d better go and pack then.”
“Okay, text me your flight details,” I remind her.
“Will do, love you.”
“Love you too.”
I return to the kitchen with a big smile on my face.
“She’s coming tomorrow,” I tell them. Feeling so much better, now I know when she is definitely coming. I don’t need to worry about all that other stuff yet; I can just enjoy being with her.
“We should go out tonight.” I suggest.
“You’ve cheered up,” remarks Jen with a smile.
Nineteen.
Liv.
Home turf advantage.
At 3:30am my phone beeps loudly from the bedside table. It’s a text from Mum.
‘Mia Helen Turner has arrived! Sat 5
th
May, 19:53pm (LA time), 7lbs 6oz. She can’t wait to meet her Auntie Liv and Great-great-Auntie Connie. See you tomorrow. Xxx’
I smile sleepily and type a reply.
‘Give them all big kisses from me and get some rest, help is on its way! Xxx’
I smile and snuggle into my pillow. Tomorrow, I’ll meet my new niece, see my gorgeous nephew and be with Danny. Tomorrow is going to be a great day I grin as I try to get back to sleep.
I spot Danny at the end of the arrivals hall. He’s standing apart from the crowd, so we will see him easily and I grin from ear to ear walking towards him. He looks amazing, dressed for summer, his tattoo partly visible and sexy as hell. I notice some young girls near him, checking him out and smile to myself that he’s mine. I walk straight up to him and, without a word, we kiss, not for too long, as Connie is right next to me.
He breaks away and breathes, “My God, I’ve missed you so much.” Then he greets Connie in his charming way that always encourages her to flirt with him.
The evening is warm, hotter than a warm daytime at home. It’s lovely. Danny insists on wheeling the cases and as we follow him to the car, he tells us that it’s exceptionally warm for the time of year. He loads them into the enormous car and helps Connie up into the backseat. I’m hovering behind him and once he closes the door on Connie he smiles and kisses me lightly on the lips.
“I hate being apart from you,” he says.
“Me too,” I smile.
He opens the front passenger door for me and closes it once I’m safely inside. While he’s walking round to his door, Connie reaches forward and squeezes my shoulder.
“I’m so happy for you darling,” she says, leaving her hand in place.
I stroke her hand.
“Thanks, I’m happy too.”
Watching Danny negotiate the evening traffic from the wrong side of the car is an alien experience. Despite the fact that the setup is all wrong, he looks so natural. His confidence is alluring and I could just watch him for hours, but he and Connie have been chatting easily so I try to join in the conversation. Danny is telling Connie that his mum would love to see us all while we’re in town and is going to call my mum to arrange dinner at their house.
It’s 9pm when we pull into Grace and Andy’s driveway. Mum greets us at the door; she’s so starved of adult conversation, she launches into a long stream of consciousness about how things have been over the last couple of days. When she comes up for air, she offers us tea and while I am dying to go home with Danny, we indulge her because she’s been on her own with a toddler for two days.
Grace and Mia are doing well, Andy has been with them, but they are expected to stay in hospital at least another couple of nights. Mia had a slight temperature when she was born, so she has to see out a three-day course of antibiotics before they will discharge her. It's just a precaution. Mum and Andy are taking Matty up to meet her tomorrow. We arrange to talk in the morning, so that we can all get some proper sleep tonight.
Danny brings Connie's case in from the car, while I say goodnight. I feel guilty about staying at Danny's, but, in reality, once they are home from the hospital, there’ll be too many houseguests. We've made it work before, but it's nice to be able to take the pressure off. Danny and I hop into the car and meet in the middle as we both buckle up. He places his hand under my chin and draws me into a sensual kiss; I close my eyes and enjoy the taste of him.
“Let’s go,” he says, pulling away from my lips, leaving me wanting. I sit back in my seat and sigh. “Tired?”
“A bit.”
“Hungry?”
“Um, yes.” Actually, I’m unbelievably tired. My body thinks it’s early tomorrow morning, but in order to be awake and possibly expend some serious energy with Danny in bed tonight, I could do with some food.
“Let’s get you home and we’ll order in, I don’t want to share you with anyone else tonight.” He glances at me and smiles sweetly. Yep, I’m going to need some energy!
We pull up to Danny’s apartment about fifteen minutes later. I can’t believe how close I’ve been to him on so many occasions over the years. I’ve always found it difficult, coming here knowing this is where he might be. I had no idea of course, he could have moved on, but it was always on my mind. I used to worry if I was shopping that I might run into him. I really didn’t want that to happen, because I couldn’t stand the thought of bumping into him with his wife and children. How stupid. I should have been out looking for him.
“This is it,” Danny says almost apologetically, as he switches off the engine. I reach out and stroke his thigh, working my hand up his leg and holding his stare. He briefly closes his eyes, savouring the moment.
“Come on,” he says, snapping back to reality. “Let’s get you inside.”
He opens the door and shows me inside. It’s bigger than I imagined and nicer. He made it sound like a neglected boy’s pad or student digs, but it’s clean and spacious. He has photos, lamps and cushions, a plant or two; it’s nice and homely. The lamps were even already switched on to welcome us.
“It’s lovely, Danny.”
“It’s fine,” he shrugs. He goes and puts my case in the bedroom and I follow him. The bed is huge; we both look at it and then each other and smile.
“Why don’t you take a shower?” he says to stop that line of thought. He points to the en-suite bathroom. “I’ll order some food.”
“Danny, it’s late, we don’t really have to eat.”
“Hey, no. I’m starving and I want you to eat,” he insists. He runs the shower for me while I get some stuff from my case, then goes to order the food.
I step into his spacious shower and let the hot water revive me after my long trip. It’s surreal being here. For years I’ve imagined what his life was like. I thought it would be just like Grace and Andy’s; it was my only point of reference. Then he came back, so I’ve got used to having him in my world. He’s so familiar, but being with him here is totally different. I suppose it’s a reverse of the control, I’m the guest here. It will do us good to do it this way round, I don’t want him coming back with me still feeling like a guest. When we go back, it’s for good I hope; I want us to be equal.
Feeling more human, I pull on my comfy trackies and a vest and go looking for Danny. He is sitting outside on a small patio, drinking a Coke. Turning his head when he hears me coming, he says, “I got you a Coke, but I have juice and stuff. I didn’t know what you’d want.”