Authors: Kerry Heavens
I turn and offer her a tight smile.
“I’ll let you know,” I say quietly, passing behind them as they sit at the table. Scott has his arm around Jen. “Thanks for breakfast.”
“Good luck buddy,” Scott says, tapping my hand as I pat his shoulder.
“Call me later,” says Jen as I kiss the top of her head and walk away.
I realise as I’m driving that I didn’t say anything else to Liv. I said I missed her, she said she missed me too and that is it. I feel terrible, but honestly, what would I say now? If I told her I was considering getting on a plane, she would have a restraining order in place before I touched down. This is ludicrous! I can’t go to England. I just need to forget about her. I pound my fist against the steering wheel. Fucking pull yourself together! I’m just going to go home and get this work out of the way.
I breeze through the front door with renewed purpose; I’m going to finish this shitty job. Now more than ever, a vacation sounds like a great idea. Who knows where I will go, but like a light at the end of the tunnel, it drives me. I switch on my computer and get stuck straight in.
Eight.
Danny.
Have I blown it?
I hang up the phone. I’ve finally finished the job and got that asshole out of my life. It’s Tuesday morning; I’ve been locked in for four days and nights. I need to shower. I pause for a moment and sigh. I’m beyond exhausted. Maybe I should go to bed? No, I’ll feel and smell better after a shower. I head into the bathroom, turn on the water and return to the bedroom to empty my pockets.
I dump the contents on the bed and for a moment I think my cell lights up with a message. My stomach lurches but then I realise it’s just a reflection from the window. Having shut it out for four days, my mind is clear now and it all rushes back in. I sit on the end of the bed and run my hands through my hair, feeling sick at the realisation that it’s been four days and while I haven’t contacted Liv again, I haven’t heard anything from her either. I knew it was all just me. She’s not interested. If she were, surely I would have heard from her, wouldn’t she wonder why I made contact then vanished?
I throw myself back on the bed and close my eyes. I’m fighting back tears. This shocks me. Am I really that upset? It feels that way. I guess it’s because I now know for sure that there’s no chance of developing this into something more. Can I contact her again and keep it platonic? No way. So I’ll just leave it. I’ll move on. I guess it’s what I have to do. Resigned, I hit the shower.
As I wash, I curse myself. I curse Connie and I curse Jen. How did I get swept up in this? Damn them and their romantic notions. Connie should have kept out of my life. Why did she do this? I begin to think of possible reasons Connie would have to turn my life on its head like this…then, like a bolt of lightning, it hits me.
She wants to make Liv happy.
That is the only reason she would have got involved like this. Because she thought it would make Liv happy…she thinks I could make Liv happy… she must…and if I take my head out of my ass long enough, I would realise that.
Seeing Liv would make me happy too. No two ways about it…then Jen’s suggestion comes back to me.
I have to see her.
As crazy as it is and as damaging as it could be, I realise that there’s nothing stopping me trying.
I jump out of the shower and grab a towel. I partially dry and stalk into the bedroom. Standing in the middle of the room, I look around, searching for inspiration. Obviously none of these inanimate objects are going to tell me what to do. Clasping my head, I inhale deeply. I need to get organised. I run to my nightstand and rifle through the drawer. My passports. Yes! I have two, one for the US and one for the UK because I have dual citizenship. Thank God they’re both up to date, or this whole thing would be impossible. Legally, I have to leave the US as a US citizen, and enter the UK as a UK citizen.
My dad made us keep up our UK passports because we have right of abode in both countries and it keeps our options open. We have no family left in the UK, my grandparents both passed away years ago and my dad is an only child, like me. But he always wanted me to have the option of travelling. Because of his forethought, I can live, work and travel freely between the two countries. Right now I could kiss him, but he’s in Mexico with Mom. I’ll call them when they’re back in a few days and let them know where I am. Who knows, I could be back by then?
Shaking off that negativity, I go to the closet and reach up to the top shelf, drag down my suitcase and fill it with everything I can find that is clean and warm. It won’t be warm there I know. I dress and go to the bathroom, gathering everything I’ll need from in there and return to the bedroom. As I put the things in my suitcase, I realise I’m grinning. I try to pull myself together, long enough to shut everything off and lock everything up. My heart is pounding.
I pick up my rucksack and fill it with the important stuff: laptop, cell, passports. I return to my suitcase and drop in my hard drive and all the wires and chargers I’ll need. I have no idea how long I’ll be. This is so impulsive; I hope I’ve thought of everything. I zip the case closed and look around nervously. Then, when I’m as sure as I can be, I call a cab. I can’t believe how fast I’ve thrown this together. My hair isn’t even dry. I just know I have to go.
I lock the door behind me, instinctively check my truck door to make sure it’s locked and head out to the waiting cab.
“LAX,” I say as I sit in the backseat. “But can we just make one quick stop first.”
We pull up outside Jen’s store and I jump out. Bursting in the door, I see Jen as she comes from the back. She looks at me with concern.
“Danny? What’s up?”
“I just came by to ask you to look in on my place.”
“Why, where are you going?”
“On vacation!”
She takes in this information and then slowly her face changes in realisation.
“Liv?” she whispers, breaking into a smile when I nod. She throws her arms around my neck and I spin her round.
“Does she know?”
I shake my head.
“What time is your flight?”
I shrug.
“I’ll take the first one out.”
“Oh my God, Danny. You’re so romantic!”
I grin.
“So will you keep an eye on things for me?”
“Of course, how long will you be?”
I shrug, still smiling like an idiot. “I’ll call you.”
Kissing her square on the lips. I turn and head for the door.
“Good luck!” she calls after me.
At LAX, I practically run through the door searching for a departure screen. I scan down the list, direct will be expensive and most likely full, so I need to get to the East Coast then get a connection to London. The first one I can see is a Delta to JFK direct. It takes off in three hours. I head to the Delta desk.
Ticket in hand, I pass through Passport Control. Now I have to wait. Yeah, like it’s that easy! I mean, sure I’ll sit still for three hours thinking about what could be waiting for me in London. If I’m this bad now, I’ll be like a caged beast on the airplane. To occupy myself, I indulge in a spot of window shopping. I buy some candy and a bottle of water and wander into an electronics store. I’m buzzing from the excitement and nerves. As I browse the iPads, I decide on a whim to buy one.
It’s a rash decision, but I realise that I’ve barely seen the light of day for weeks. I’ve more than earned the big payday I’ve just received…and I’m on vacation. The helpful clerk agrees to charge it for me and even lets me sit at one of the demonstration desks to sync it with my laptop. Thirty minutes later, I’m set it all up, but it’s still charging. I have an hour to kill. I glance around and the clerk, Megan, comes by to find out how I’m doing. We get chatting.
She asks where I’m going and I tell her the whole thing. Telling a stranger, I realise how exciting and romantic it really is. She wishes me well and says she hopes, one day, someone will come and sweep her off her feet like that. I thank her for her help and head to the gate.
I scroll through my apps and decide to download a book for the flight. I can’t remember the last time I found the time to read. Then, tapping Facebook, I take a deep breath and compose a message to Liv, telling her that I’m sorry I haven’t been in contact. Unsure of what to say that won’t ruin the surprise of me flying in, I tap my knee restlessly. Then I decide to just be vague and tell her I have to finish something I started a long time ago. Hopefully she’ll think it’s cute when she finds out what I mean. I ask her not to give up on me before I sign off.
Hopefully that will hold her until I get there. I hope it’s enough. I’ve no idea how she is, or what she’s thinking, and I can’t wait for a response as the flight begins boarding. I switch to airplane mode and head on board. I sink into my seat in first class…hey, this is my first vacation in three years! I could have used the first class lounge but I couldn’t relax for that amount of time, I thought shopping would keep me busy. Arranging my things in the luxurious surroundings, I’m amused to find an electrical outlet, I could have charged here! I also see that I can pay to use in-flight Wi-Fi, but sleep is the only thing on my mind. I’ve worked for four days, snatching only cat naps and I’ve got myself here purely on adrenaline. I need to sleep. I plug in my headphones and close my eyes, drifting away before other passengers are even on board. The flight attendant asking me to turn off my electrical devices stirs me and I oblige. I’m so tired, but now I have about six hours’ uninterrupted sleep ahead of me. As soon as we are in the air, I arrange the blanket and pillow, tip my seat back and I’m gone.
My sleep is blissful. I’m aware of my surroundings, but I feel cocooned, like I’m in exactly the right place. I dream of Liv and me as kids. I feel so content. The flight attendant wakes me to put my seat up and we land. It’s like no time has gone by, yet I’m rested. At JFK, while I wait for my BA flight in the first class lounge, I check Facebook, but she hasn’t replied. I’m too disoriented to work out the time difference; I don’t even know which time zone I’m in right now.
The second leg of my journey is more stressful. I watch a couple of in-flight movies and drift in and out of sleep, but mostly, I worry. What if she doesn't want to see me, she hasn't replied to my last message. In fact I haven't heard from her in days. What if she isn't interested at all and backing off is her way of telling me. I worry that I'll see her and go right back to the awful place I was before.
As we come into land at Heathrow. I stare out of the window, it’s been twelve years since I left this place behind and I feel anxious about what I’ll find here now. It’s late, according to the captain 23:43 local time. I need to find a hotel.
The taxi pulls up outside the Holiday Inn. It’s new, but just like any other. I pad wearily over to the desk and fifteen minutes later I’m entering my room. I’ve booked in for three nights. Hopefully by then I’ll know if I have a chance. I check Facebook again. Nothing. Is she ignoring me? It’s late; I’ll deal with it in the morning. I crawl into bed, feeling daunted by the fact that I’m less than a mile away from the only girl I’ve ever loved…and she has no idea!
I wake to the sounds from the street. The hotel is on a busy road on the edge of town, it sounds like everyone else is up and at 'em. I reach for my cell, 11.49am. Unbelievable! I obviously needed the sleep. I stretch out and take a deep breath. Now I have to figure out my plan. I check Facebook, still nothing. I need to get in touch or this will all be wasted, but I want to speak to her, assess her mood before I just show up. What if she never returns my messages? Maybe this is all a mistake. I have to know. I hit new message and tell her I’m free to talk.
I wait...and wait. Nothing. I get up, shower and dress. I head out for lunch, revisiting my old town, avoiding the area I know she’ll be. Much of it is just the same on the surface, but so much has changed. I go into the mall and head to a Starbucks. I have all the time in the world to explore and reacquaint myself, but right now, I need food and coffee and I’ve a head full of issues, so Starbucks suits me perfectly.
After I have eaten, I wander around. I explore everywhere and before long I’m in the street where Connie's once was. I won't take the chance of being seen, not until I know where she stands, but I can see it from here. It looks like the kind of place I would go to at home. I turn away before I’m tempted to get closer and ruin it. How long is she going to keep me waiting? Perhaps she’s making a point. I send another message asking her if I’ve blown it.
It’s around 3pm. Not knowing what else to do, I decide to go and see a movie to keep busy. I wander back to the mall and head up the escalator to the movie theatre. I choose a Mark Wahlberg movie about smuggling or something. The film doesn't matter. The point is, if she hasn't replied by the time it has finished, I'll go there and find out what's going on.
Two hours later, I emerge and straight away I check my cell, nothing.
Then, like a miracle, it lights up…. My heart stops for a moment. I open the message.
Olivia Harper 29th March 2012
I got your message.
You’re not the only one who has to work!
Busy, busy! X
She’s mad; I've made a huge mistake. I should have been honest with her. What was I thinking? Perhaps I shouldn't be here. But we can't finish it like this; I’ve come all this way. I have to see her before I leave or I’ll never forgive myself. I set off, determined. I’m going to put an end to this now, even if she throws me out.
I slow as I reach the entrance and act like I’m reading the menu. Looking through the window, I don't see her. Moments pass and staff are coming and going, but she isn't here. My phone buzzes again.
Olivia Harper 29th March 2012
But I’m taking a break now…X
She wants to talk. Glancing back into the diner, confirming she’s not there, I go in and ease myself into the first booth. With my back to the window, I can see everything. I’m sweating! She might be in the back somewhere and walk out at any moment. I glance at my screen, she’s still online. I start typing...