Authors: Kerry Heavens
Hopefully, that sounds upbeat and doesn’t give away my gut-wrenching panic.
Olivia
There must be more to tell… My life is good. I'm still here. I never left. I’m a business owner. I have the diner of my dreams, which is doing really well. It’s Connie's old teashop! I took it over when she retired and she and Jack helped me get it off the ground. I live upstairs; have done since my first term at college. Mum and Dave moved to Brighton with Dave’s job and I didn't want to go. Connie let me have the place and I’ve never left. They’ve stayed in Brighton, it’s lovely. It’s like I have a holiday home. Not that I get any time off. It’s pretty full-on running your own business. Grace lives in LA too, Venice. You should look her up!
I can’t get my head around the idea that Liv owns the place in her pictures. It looks great, the kind of place I would go with Jen and the guys. It looks nothing like the Connie’s I remember, it’s at least twice the size. Something that Liv confirms when she tells me she took on the old Italian place next door. That was my parents’ favorite restaurant when we lived there. When she tells me her high maintenance sister lives in LA too, I’m floored. I couldn’t care less about Grace, she’s always been a total nightmare, but how many times has Liv visited her there? Just fifteen minutes from my apartment. How many times could our paths have crossed? I manage not to betray this when I reply. I don’t think I’m ready for her to see that I am already freaking out over missed opportunities. Instead, I simply congratulate her on the bar. She always said that she wanted to do it and she did.
I casually tell her I’d love to see it someday. It seems nuts, but talking to her again makes me think that after all this time maybe we should try to know each other again. We were once everything to one another, I’ve missed her. Maybe I could visit some time, get my heart broken again for old time’s sake! Immediately I regret saying it, but it’s not like I would ever actually go. She has a life now and so do I.
She tries to tell me that she’s still the same person, but from her photos I can see that that is so not true. She has piercings in places I never would have expected of her. I shut my mind down as soon as it starts to wonder to where else she might be pierced. I can’t afford to think like that. She admits she has some tattoos and after searching I find an image of her wearing a short-sleeved shirt and a tattoo is visible on her inner forearm. I wonder how many she has? Most of the photos are of her face, but now I look at her in a different light, she definitely has more of a wild look to her than she used to…. Hot as fuck! I’m in real trouble. It suits her, this new image. Maybe it’s not new, I realise with a sigh that it’s been a really long time. Even though it feels like only yesterday she broke my heart.
She asks me if she’s frightened me off and I realise I’d drifted away thinking about her, then in my infinite wisdom, I tell her she looks hot. Really? What the hell am I doing? I scrub my face and shake my head. I’m a danger to myself, I really am. To make matters worse, she then goes silent. I tentatively ask if she’s still there, there are questions I’m afraid to ask. Questions that are really none of my business, but I need to know anyway. I decide I’ve got nothing to lose.
Danny
The guy in the pictures, is he your boyfriend?
Olivia
Which guy?
Danny
The one who’s always wearing a hat.
Olivia
Best friend.
Interesting, but she didn’t say there wasn’t a boyfriend.
Danny
But there is a boyfriend?
Olivia
Nope. What about you, are you not settled down?
Danny
Never found the right girl.
Well perhaps I did, I just let her go too easily…SHUT UP DANNY! God, what am I doing?
Olivia
It’s almost 4am here…I need to sleep!
Excellent! I’ll never hear from her again. She tries to cover herself by saying that she just got off work and she needs to sleep, but I’m sure she’s just eager to get away. I’m such an idiot. In a last desperate attempt not to let her completely slip away I add,
Danny
Maybe we could do this again?
Olivia
Sure. It was great to hear from you. Night x
I fight the urge to hurl. What the hell just happened? I think, I just got way too heavy and fucked up my one and only chance to ever see Liv again. I bang my head on the table. Shit. She couldn’t get away fast enough. I’ve truly messed this up. What I need to do now is get her out of my head.
I check the time, almost 9pm. I should do some work, that’ll help.
I clear my head of distractions and work, hard.
For five hours I manage to hammer away without entertaining thoughts of Liv and fall into bed fried at 2am.
I’m woken at around 8am by my phone buzzing. I reach underneath my pillow and retrieve it. Turning it over, I assume it’s Jen wanting info; I’m stunned to find that Liv has messaged me.
Olivia Harper 24th March 2012
It was great to talk to you yesterday.
Can I ask, why now? I’m not complaining, just confused.
Liv x
Confused? You and me both! I’m surprised to hear from her again. I need to think about what to say. I thought I’d wrecked it yesterday; I really don’t want to spend today feeling the same way. I shower then text Scott.
‘I’m coming over for breakfast. Please don’t be fucking when I get there!’
He instantly texts back
‘Cock block! Jen says bring bacon.’
I have an open invitation for breakfast at the weekends, but I’ve walked in on one too many Saturday morning baby-making attempts, so I no longer take the risk. I stop at the market on my way and pick up the bacon. I also get newspapers and apple juice, they drink orange juice and I hate the stuff.
I walk through their side gate and into the yard, dump my keys and the newspapers on the table and head into the kitchen. Jen is mixing pancake batter in sweats and an old UCLA t-shirt. Scott is showering. I lean round and plant a kiss on Jen’s cheek. She jumps out of her skin and it’s only then I realise she is listening to her iPod.
“Fuck, you bastard!” she yells.
“Sorry, I thought you heard me.” I cower as she slaps me hard on the shoulder.
“You scared the shit out of me,” she laughs. I rub my shoulder, acting wounded.
She takes off her headphones and returns to her mixing.
“So, what happened after I left last night?”
I begin to give her the shorthand version and she tuts. “You’ll miss all the good stuff, read it to me.”
With a huff I pull my cell from my pocket and find the conversation. I read it out in a wooden monotone, hoping not to inject too much drama into it.
She’s wide-eyed when I look up, just as Scott joins us.
“What have I missed?”
Jen scoffs, “Not much, just Romeo over here, practically telling his long lost love that he still wants her.”
“I did not!”
She puts on a mocking tone as she says, “Oh Liv, do you have a boyfriend? I don’t have a girlfriend because I still love you!” She bats her eyelids at me.
Scott rolls his eyes.
“She’s probably running for the hills,” laughs Jen.
“Thanks,” I mutter, indignant. “Actually, it just so happens that she messaged me again this morning."
“What, after that performance! What did she say?”
I read the message out.
“I haven’t responded. I wanted to think about my next move. So what d’you think I should say?”
"Tell her it was just the right time."
"What and that's it?"
"Yeah, then see what she has to say."
Shaking my head at Jen, I turn towards the door. I sit at the table in the yard and stare at my cell. What do I say? I listen to the comforting sounds of my friends cooking breakfast and think. Jen has hit the nail on the head once again; there’s really nothing else to say.
Danny
It just seemed like the right time. X
I sit in silence for what feels like forever then the rewarding buzz startles me. She’s online…. She wants to know why I didn’t stay in touch with anyone from the UK. I tell her there seemed little point, as there was no one that could drag us away from each other then, so I wasn’t really interested enough to contact them now. The truth is, I did have friends I’d like to look up, but I could never run the risk of them still being friends with her. Not when I’ve tried so hard to forget. I’ve completely shot that to shit now haven’t I!
Olivia
Fair enough! We were pretty closed off.
God, we were, but only because we were completely in love, well I was…I don’t see what I have to lose in hinting at that.
Danny
I only had eyes for you.
Olivia
Smoothie!
Oh, okay, I think I class that as flirting.
Danny
I wasn't back then!
Olivia
You did okay. Neither of us knew what we were doing.
WHAT? Is she talking about sex right now?
Danny
OK?!? You know how to kill a man's confidence don't you! Also, FYI that is SO not what I was talking about! ONE-TRACK-MIND.
Olivia
Oh! Well, anyway it was lovely. I’m sure we’re both more confident now!
So we
are
talking about sex and as if that's not bad enough, she thinks it was 'lovely’.
Danny
Lovely! This is awful, is that really what you think? You may as well say it was NICE!
Olivia
That's not what I meant, I wouldn't change things. I’ve good memories of that time. You were so kind.
I try not to think about that time, apart from being too painful, the vision of myself, as a fumbling idiot, is too embarrassing. Knowing she has that memory of me too is terrible. If I could have one wish right now, it would be to wipe those memories from her mind and give her something better to remember! I’m good at it now for fuck’s sake. I don't want the one person that ever meant something to me to think of me at my worst. I need to find a way to say that so I offer something witty about having a do-over.
She completely shoots that down, fair enough. I don’t know what the hell I was doing saying it! But it still stings. I absorb the crushing disappointment, then she starts typing again…
Olivia
For a start, you can't erase those memories. They are keepers! Besides, even if you could have a do-over, there is the small matter of distance.
Is she saying I could if I was there?
Danny
True. I just wish your most important memory of me wasn't just ‘lovely’. I want it to be fucking amazing!
Olivia
All my memories of you are amazing.
Shit. Mine too…I decide I have nothing to lose by telling her that I miss her.
Olivia
I’ve missed you too.
Just then, Jen and Scott appear with breakfast and Jen notices my ashen face.
“What happened?”
I hand her my phone and even in my daze I note that Scott is unable to resist reading too.
Jen is beside herself with excitement.
“This is brilliant! She still wants you; you have to go to her!”
Oh hell, what is it with women and their Hollywood ideations?
“Get real! This isn't Sleepless in Seattle!”
Scott erupts with laughter, “You’re such a girl. Why would you even know that?”
“Ignore him. But you should think about it,” Jen says soothingly as she digs into her pancakes. Reluctantly, I eat too, I don't have any appetite, but it’s only polite.
“You deserve a vacation,” Jen continues. “Why don't you just go?” She’d love this to turn into something she could really get her teeth into.
“Because a) I live in the real world, and b) I have a ton of work.”
“You’re nearly done, you said so. Besides, she’s talking about the two of you having sex, which means she’s thinking about the two of you having sex.”
Scot chimes in. “I don't like to encourage her man, but she has a point…”
“So, you’re suggesting that after a mere two conversations, I fly 5,000 miles and try to rekindle a relationship with my first girlfriend, who probably isn’t that interested…and then what? Fly home?” I frown at them both. “That sounds productive! I’m sure it won’t be at all detrimental to either of us.”
Jen thinks for a moment, “Can’t you just go there for a break and not make it into something it’s not?”
I drag my hands across my face, stretching my skin and then heave a huge sigh. “Ugh! At this point, I’m so screwed, maybe I have nothing to lose…”
“That’s the spirit!” Scott laughs.
I sit and stare into the distance. Am I really entertaining this? I realise now that talking to her is never going to be enough. I was better off when I didn’t allow her into my head. Of course, now that I have, I either see where it goes, or try my best to forget about her. That could take years again. Damn it!
“Okay, I need to leave," I say scraping my chair as I stand.
“Don’t think about it, just do it,” pleads Jen. “You’ve never really moved on, this is your chance to either see it through, or put an end to it once and for all.”