Authors: Kerry Heavens
Since then, not much has changed. Business has been good for me; I can pick and choose my projects, work when I want to, or when I need to. Scott does a similar job, but for a big corporation; he’s more of a steady pay check kind of guy. Jen runs a clothes store with her mom. She and Scott haven’t had any children, despite trying, so are now looking into their options. It’s been hard to watch Jen’s sadness at not achieving her dream of being a mom, but I’m certain they’ll get there.
“Got time to chat?” I ask, handing her a coffee.
“Well I have to open up, but if you help me bring some boxes up from the basement, you have a deal.”
Jen switches on the sound system and opens the door. I help her carry a small metal bench outside and place it in front of the window. She winds down a large blind to shade the window and as she busies herself with switching on a baffling array of lights around the place, I fetch the boxes from the basement. Once we’ve finished, we sit at the small couches by the changing area. In any other circumstances, I would be out of my comfort zone in this place, but I visit Jen here all the time and I’ve long overcome my macho worries about sitting on a pink sofa among vintage floral scatter cushions.
There are no customers; this part of town doesn’t warm up until later. We have her laptop across our knees and are looking at the basic profile of one Olivia Harper.
“Is that her?”
“Yeah, she looks really different. She’s pierced her nose…and lip! Wow.”
“She’s pretty.”
“Yeah, she always was. She looks really different, but it’s her.”
I stare at her. I want to see more, but I can’t unless I add her and she accepts. I’ve purposely never searched for her. In fact, I’ve never looked up anyone else I knew from England either, mainly because I wasn’t bothered, but also in case they were friends with her.
“So?” asks Jen, looking at me expectantly.
“So, what do you think I should do?”
“Well, what do
you
think you should do?”
“God, Jen. I don’t know. You know what it did to me, leaving her behind.”
Jen looks at me pensively for a moment and then opens her mouth to say something. Closing it again, she changes her mind. I watch her, waiting. She starts again.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Why have you never settled down?”
I laugh. “I don’t know, I’ve never met the right girl I guess.”
“Maybe…maybe you have met the right girl…but you had to leave her behind.” She finishes with her sweetest smile to soften the blow.
“Don’t say that, I’m barely holding it together as it is!”
I rub my face. This can’t be happening.
“She made it clear, she thought it was for the best that I leave. I wanted more, way more, you know that, but it wasn't what she wanted. I tried to stay in touch but she was obviously moving on, you know the rest, you were there. I can’t do that again. Besides, if she wanted to find me she could have. It isn’t her asking for contact. She probably hasn’t thought about me in years.”
“I don’t believe that. This Connie woman obviously thinks you should get in touch. Maybe she never got over you either.”
“I’d love to talk to her, find out how she is. But what if it isn’t enough? What if…I can’t risk it?”
“Danny, you know as well as I do that you’ll do this. If not, it’ll eat you up.”
“Shit…Shit!”
I put my head in my hands, pausing for a moment, gathering my thoughts and breathing deeply. Then I sit up, grab the laptop and click ‘Message’ and hammer it out before I change my mind. She’s right; it will eat me up if I don’t.
Danny Morgan 23
rd
March 2012
Hey! I was reminded of you today. How’s life? Add me if you feel like chatting to an old friend.
Danny x
I hit send. Fuck!
“Good for you,” says Jen, beaming from ear to ear.
“You know this is going to fuck with my head. I hope you can spare the time, it looks like you’re going back into the therapy business,” I grin. I’m terrified, but I can’t deny it, it’s a real buzz too. Liv. Christ! Suddenly she’s real again. What is she like?
“What time is it?”
Jen cranes her neck and checks the clock on the wall.
“9:45.”
“I’m going to go shower.”
“That saves us a conversation!” she jokes. I jump up and as she stands I grab her and force her face into my armpit.
“Urgh! You are so gross! Get out of here!” she laughs.
I kiss her on the forehead and head out the back door to my truck. “And don’t come back ’til you smell better!” I wave my hand dismissively and I’m gone.
In the car, I try to focus, but I arrive home, not recalling any of my journey I’m so lost in thought. Robotically, I shower, shave and pull on some sweats. I flop down on the clean sheets of my freshly made bed. Right now, I don’t feel bad about having a maid. I stare at my clock, 10.27am. I worked all night; I need to sleep. My eyes are heavy, but adrenaline spikes as I hear my cell buzz. I reach for it on the nightstand.
You have 1 new message from Olivia Harper.
As I’m dealing with the surge of adrenaline that revelation has delivered, it buzzes again.
You have 1 new friend request.
Oh hell! I dash to the computer, open Facebook and open her message. I need to do this on a big screen.
Olivia Harper 23
rd
March 2012
Hey yourself! Reminded of me how?
Liv x
Well, that gives nothing away. But she has added me. Maybe this won’t be so bad. I click on her name and her full profile opens. I click on her photos, and sit and stare as photo after photo of my beautiful Liv appear. Seeing her face in detail instantly reopens the old wound and I already know I’m done for, but it's too late to do anything about it now. We’ve made contact. I just have to stay strong.
On quick inspection, it looks like she uses Facebook about as much as I do. But she seems to be tagged in a lot of photos. Always in bars, having fun, no…wait…it looks like she works in this place. I check on her info, she works at a place called Lady Luck’s. Lives there would be more accurate.
There’s no relationship status, and her name’s still the same. In a lot of her photos there’s this one guy, they look close, too close. He’s all over her. I hate it. My impulse is to scoff at his fondness for hats, but I pull myself together. He might just be a friend, or an ex. Connie would not have put this out there if Liv was with someone, would she? Unless of course he is the boyfriend and Connie doesn’t approve…who knows?
I need to respond. Where the hell do I start? I look back at her photo…what would I say if she were here now?
Danny Morgan 23
rd
March 2012
Well hello stranger!
I’ve never searched for you on here. I wasn't even sure it was you…Have you pierced your face????
Danny x
There, it’s a start. I’m so tired I must sleep. In a moment of extraordinary strength, I force myself to close the computer down. I fall into a restless sleep, dreaming of a girl I don’t know, with Liv’s face.
Seven.
Danny.
This isn’t sleepless in Seattle.
I wake with a start. I’ve no idea what time it is. I feel around on the nightstand for my cell, but it’s not there. I sit up and feel it on the bed next to me. I must have fallen asleep with it still in my hand. The screen comes to life and tells me it’s 5:15pm. I’m surprised, I’ve managed about six hours’ sleep…and I’ve a Facebook notification.
Olivia Harper 23
rd
March 2012
Yes, it's me…and yes it's pierced…are you judging me? You have an unfair advantage, I’m at work. No more Facebook stalking until I can snoop around your profile!!!
Liv x
She sent it two hours ago, but I’m not awake enough to figure out what time it is in the UK. I get up and pull open the drapes in my room, squinting. I don’t open them very often, but I need to sort out my body clock and I think daylight, even if it is fading, might be the only way. I wander into the kitchen and run the faucet until the water comes through good and cold. I drink straight from the stream of water and then splash some over my face. I stand up straight, dripping but refreshed, and push the water from my face back over my hair.
I fill a glass with water, taking it with me to the computer. As I wait for it to load, I wonder whether hearing from me has had the same effect on her as it has on me. I doubt that’s possible. I open Facebook and re-read her message. She sounds almost panicked. It’s funny, I did look round her profile, but she obviously thinks I'm stalking her! Maybe I should give her something to think about while she’s working. I amuse myself for a moment and, smirking, I type a reply.
Danny Morgan 23
rd
March 2012
If you say so ;-) Danny x
If I remember correctly, its eight hours ahead over there, so it’s after midnight, maybe she’s still at work if she works in a bar. Maybe she’s asleep, who knows? My cell buzzes in my pocket. It’s a text from Jen.
‘Did you hear anything? X’
I dial her number and she answers in her usual way, no greeting, straight into the conversation.
“I hope you showered,” she chirps.
I laugh.
“Listen,” she continues, “I just got off and Scott has a late meeting, so I’m coming over. Shall I bring food?”
“No, we’ll order in. See you in ten.” I don’t expect a reply, Jen is past pleasantries with me and she’s gone.
I text Scott.
'Late meeting? Sucks to be you! You should strike out on your own then maybe YOU could buy your wife Chinese takeout, would save me a fortune!'
As I hear Jen’s car, he texts back.
'If I struck out on my own I’d never see daylight like you! This way you pay for dinner and I don't have to listen to your love dilemmas. Be sure to send leftovers home with Jen'
I open the door, smirking.
"Something funny?" Jen asks as she breezes in and tosses her purse on the floor.
"Your husband," I reply as she heads straight for the drawer in the kitchen where I keep the menus and helps herself to a beer from the refrigerator. I raise an eyebrow at her when she closes the door. She smiles apologetically and grabs one for me too. We head out to the small terrace of my ground floor apartment and sit facing each other. She sips her beer and waits.
“Shall we order?" I ask.
"Not until you tell me what she said."
I fill Jen in on what little there is to know. But it isn’t enough; she wants to snoop around her profile. It’s pointless arguing with her, so I fetch the laptop. While she’s satisfying her curiosity, I order dinner. We don’t need to discuss what to have; it’s comical that she still always gets out the menu. I hang up and return to my cold beer.
“Well, she's single,” she says with authority.
“Thanks Nancy Drew! I reached the same conclusion.” I tilt my head. “What about that guy though?”
“The hat guy? My guess is, he's gay.”
“You think everyone’s gay. Anyway, he’s all over her, an ex maybe?”
“She’d have deleted the photos if he were an ex. He’s nothing to worry about, trust me. So that’s it, she hasn’t responded?”
“No, she was working, so she might not get off yet. We sometimes worked ’til past 2am when we worked at Riley’s didn’t we? Anyway, I’m not waiting by the laptop.” I don’t sound convincing.
We talk about her day, and my project. Our food arrives and we talk and eat. We discuss Scott’s job; he’s up for a promotion, hence the extra meetings. Jen’s worried about the tests she has next week.
“It’s best to know, then you can make plans,” I reassure her, finishing the last egg roll.
“I know. It's just stressful.”
The simultaneous bing of the laptop and the buzz of my cell interrupts us. This is pathetic. I hardly ever use Facebook, and now I have all my devices trained on its every move. Jen launches herself at the laptop. It’s a fight I won’t win; so I let her look at the message. She graciously turns the laptop slightly towards me, so that I can look over her shoulder.
Olivia Harper 24th March 2012
Okay, so I've finished snooping. You don't give much away do you? I have to admit, I don't know what to say to you…How’s life?
Liv x
Jen turns to me, grinning.
“What?”
“She is SO still into you!”
“How did you get that from…that?” I gesture at the screen. This is absurd! I shake my head.
“What are you going to say?”
“I’ve no idea.”
“Well think of something, she’s still online!”
“No!”
“Yep! I’ll take that as my cue to leave.” Jen grins and grabs the tray with the takeout containers, plants a kiss on the top of my head, and leaves.
I glance back at the laptop, the sun has just gone down and its bright white screen illuminates the table.
Fuck!
I take a deep breath and think. This is just unreal, she’s online, right there, right now…and I can talk to her. Though what would I say? I'm not sure I can trust myself. Since she was put back in my head today, I’ve been reliving the whole mess, a mess I’d worked so hard to put behind me, What the hell was I even thinking getting into this? I’d like to say enough time has gone by and I’m a stronger person now, but where Liv is concerned, I don’t think I’d ever have enough strength to make this a safe move. Frankly, whatever happens, I’m already screwed. Pulling the laptop across to face me, I look at her words. She says she doesn't know what to say to me. I know how she feels. Maybe it's best to go for honesty. I start typing.
Danny
I don't really know what to say to you either. This is weirder than I thought it would be…Life is great; I’m living in Santa Monica, near the beach. I work from home (computer stuff - yawn!) but it leaves me free to do whatever I like, mostly. My parents live nearby; they’re still the same. There’s nothing else to tell really. What about you? You give nothing away either. Apart from the facial piercings!!! I wasn't expecting that! What’s happening in your life?