Authors: Kerry Heavens
Oh my God! What did he just say? Keep cool.
Olivia
Dream on!
A bit harsh? Maybe. I quickly type a follow-up.
Olivia
For a start, you can't erase those memories. They are keepers! Besides even if you could have a do-over, there is the small matter of distance.
Danny
True. I just wish your most important memory of me wasn't just ‘lovely’, I want it to be fucking amazing!
Olivia
All my memories of you are amazing.
Eeek! Too heavy!
Danny
I’ve missed you.
Olivia
I’ve missed you too.
I have no idea what else to say. Obviously he feels the same because the messages stop. I busy myself to keep from over analysing it all. The worst that can happen at this point would be for him to say nothing more. But he’s so far away, would it make a difference? He wouldn't just back off now though would he? I read it again.
It’s so embarrassing! But it isn't one-sided. Perhaps I WILL look him up when I visit Grace. Maybe he can have his do-over! I suppose if I’m ever going to have a fling, he’s the best person to have it with. Urgh! Why am I letting myself go down this road? It’s just a bit of flirting.
But I can't help glancing at my phone again. This sucks. Why has he vanished? I need something to do.
I’ve cleaned the flat, top to bottom. Eaten. Finished the wages. Checked on everyone downstairs. There is nothing left to do.
Dirty Dancing time…why has he vanished?
Two days have passed. I’ve kept busy, but it’s eating away at me. Where has he gone? I won’t be the one to break the silence. He contacted me for fuck’s sake! I’m annoyed with myself for getting all worked up, when it’s come to nothing so quickly. Hell, it couldn’t come to anything anyway. He lives in sodding California! I’m pretty pissed off about the whole thing really, but even that in itself is making me furious.
I can’t believe the rollercoaster I have been on recently. First Mark screws around and then I make a mortifying show of trying to ‘have some fun’. Then, out of the blue, I am rudely reminded that I’ve possibly never stopped loving a man I can’t have. Now, having taunted and teased me, he’s fucked off!
Urgh! I’m so angry! As I force my mind back to the here and now, I realise that I’m slamming my way around the kitchen and Max is staring at me.
“WHAT?” I yell.
“Hey, don’t bite my head off! You’re like a bear with a sore head today. I know you’re upset...”
“Upset? I’m not upset. I’m angry as hell. How dare he do this…” My eyes sting with tears which fall freely as Max closes his arms around me tightly. I breathe in his fresh, lovely smell.
“I know,” he soothes. “I feel partly responsible. I think I got a bit carried away!”
“No, I’m just being stupid. Nothing can happen between us anyway. It just felt so nice to talk to him again. But it brought it all back. I’m just angry with myself for letting it all in.”
Connie appears in the doorway, concern etched across her face. “What’s wrong?” She comes over and wraps her arms around both of us.
“Oh, I’m just having a moment,” I sniff, trying to make light of it as I wriggle out of their hold. I deliberately haven’t told Connie that Danny has been in touch, because I didn’t want her to tell me I shouldn’t go back there. She would say that for sure, because she knows how hard it was for me to move on. I dry my eyes with my sleeve as I turn away to pull myself together. She’ll be even more disapproving if she sees the effect it is having on me.
I move across the kitchen, collecting bits as I go, busying myself. But as I turn, I notice Max and Connie in a tense, whispered conversation. Connie shakes her head and I suddenly realise, Max is probably telling her about Danny. Bloody hell! I storm back over to them and stop, arms folded, attitude all over my face.
“Care to share?” I seethe. They both look instantly guilty. Connie turns and takes my elbow.
“Come, talk to me,” she says firmly and leads me out into the diner and to the booth at the back. I shuffle in begrudgingly. “Tell me all about it.”
I feel much better talking it all over with Connie. She surprises me by being very positive about our contact. She thinks I should have patience and see what happens. I told her, NOTHING will happen, he has vanished. But she seems sure that I will hear from him again. That’s Connie I suppose. Expect the unexpected! I don’t have as much faith as her, but I do at least feel less angry.
By the time the lunchtime rush has died down, I feel more positive. I’m still pissed off, but fuck him! Who does he think he is, messing with my emotions? I’m just wiping down some tables when my phone vibrates in my back pocket. I tense. No way will this be him, I’m certain. I grab it out and almost drop it as I fumble to turn it around.
LIV will you look at yourself! I thought you just said fuck him?
My heart is banging in my chest as I activate the screen…
You have 1 new message from Danny Morgan.
Brilliant, will this emotional rollercoaster ever end? Stop the ride, I want to get off!
Danny Morgan 29
th
March 2012
Liv,
I’m so sorry I haven’t been in contact. I was suddenly called in to finish something that I started a long time ago. So I needed to finish up my current projects so that I can commit myself fully to it.
I’ve been locked in for the last four days getting everything done, I’m almost there. When I’m done, I can’t wait to pick up where we left off.
I hope you haven’t given up on me.
Danny x
Bugger! All of that torture I put myself through and he was at work. This is way out of control! I need help. I need a drink.
“Max!” I yell into the garden from the back door. Nothing. I move towards the door of the bar and, thank goodness, there he is. “Meeting,” I say briskly and storm past him to the bar. Filling two glasses with ice, I discreetly pour a long slug of Bacardi into each, hurl in a wedge of lime and hose them both with Coke. Grabbing two straws, I stomp over to the table where Max eyes me warily. I hand him his drink. It’s obviously my bar and I can do what I like, but we do have a ‘no drinking on duty’ policy, so I’m careful not to flaunt my abuse of power in front of the staff.
Max slowly takes a sip without breaking eye contact and as he does his eyes widen.
“What?” I ask, petulantly.
“Are you trying to get me sacked?”
I offer him a wry smile. “It’s okay, I know your boss! She’ll be cool.”
“So?” he asks, knowing this is not a work-related meeting.
I slide him my phone. His face lights up and he places his hand carefully over his mouth to hide his grin.
“Oh!”
“Yes, oh!” I roll my eyes. “Look at what I’ve become! I speak to him twice and I turn into a bloody bunny-boiler. He’s been fucking working.”
Max bursts out laughing.
“Sorry,” he chuckles, hiding his mouth again.
“Fuck off!”
“Have you replied?”
“No.”
“You should.”
“And say what? Oh that’s okay, Danny, I thought you’d changed your mind about talking to me again, so I had a mini-nervous breakdown.”
“I wouldn’t open with that,” Max splutters as he rolls around in his chair.
“I’m so fucking glad I amuse you.”
“Sorry, sorry,” he says as he tries to straighten up his face. Then, in a more serious tone, he manages. “You should just say something like ‘No worries’. You know, sound breezy.”
“No, I’m not going to reply. I mean, honestly what was I thinking? He didn’t contact me for all this…madness. He just wanted to chat with an old friend. That’s all I will ever be. If he does try to contact me again, I’ll try to remember that. If he doesn’t, I won’t have to worry.” Then I smile. “Now, finish your drink and get back to work, before I sack you!”
“Yes BOSS!”
“Oh and Max…I love you.”
“Love you too,” he says and gives me a playful smack on the bum as I walk away.
I feel better. So much so that I am not entirely sure I should reply if Danny does contact me again. I really don’t think I need the stress. I want to go back to how I was before this.
By Thursday, I’ve heard nothing still. I’m relieved. Things have returned to normal. I’m busy in the kitchen making a batch of mint syrup, when I feel my phone. I have sticky hands, it’ll have to wait, but the familiar, unwelcome churning begins in the pit of my stomach.
No! I must not let this happen again.
In fact I decide I’m not going to look. The eight other times this has happened today, it has just been texts and emails. This one can wait.
I bottle up the syrup and leave it to cool. I head out into the diner to see what’s next and my favourite regulars distract me, Lily and her mum.
“Hi gorgeous!” I beam. “What can I get you today?”
She gives me a shy smile. She is so cute! They come in after nursery every Thursday for ice cream. A special treat.
“The usual?”
She nods.
“Sure.” I roll up my sleeves as I head round the counter and open the sliding door of the ice cream case. Scooping three perfect balls of strawberry ice cream.
“Have you been a good girl?”
“Very,” says her mum.
“Well, extra sauce for you then.” I wink. She always gets extra sauce no matter who serves her because we all love her. “Anything else?”
“Please can Mummy have a latte?” she mutters shyly.
“Certainly, go and take a seat, I’ll bring it over.”
I place an overtly red cherry on top of the squirty cream I have just dispensed and deliver it to the waiting Lily.
Returning to the counter, I suddenly remember my phone. I scoop up some empties and head into the kitchen so I can have a moment to check it.
You have 1 new message from Danny Morgan
Danny Morgan 29
th
March 2012
Hey,
Did you get my message? I didn’t hear back from you.
I hope you’re okay. I’m free as a bird, if you feel like chatting.
Danny x
Oh, so now you’re free? Well I am busy, I think to myself. Well…I can make myself busy, I know the coffee machine needs a thorough clean. I throw myself into that for a while.
By the time the coffee machine, the soda pumps and all of the blenders are sparkling it’s nearly 5pm. I grab a tea and head upstairs for a break. I suppose I should reply to him. It isn’t my style to be spiteful. Oh, there’s another message from Danny…
Danny Morgan 29th March 2012
Have I blown it? I hope not.
Danny x
Well this changes things, he sounds as needy as I’ve been feeling. What to say…? Is this a time for keeping it light? I hate playing games but this slight shift of power proves too much. I take advantage…
Olivia Harper 29
th
March 2012
I got your message.
You are not the only one who has to work!
Busy, busy! X
It’s stupid, I know. I’m shooting myself in the foot, because what I really want to do is talk to him, get to know him again. But the distance, the delay and the uncertainty create an almost competitive atmosphere. I rub my temples. This is ridiculous, I’m sitting here with nothing to do and I am being petty. I snatch up my phone.
Olivia Harper 29th March 2012
But I’m taking a break now…x
I sigh and stare at my phone. The screen lights up. He’s online.
Danny
Wow, I thought I’d blown it for sure!
Olivia
Blown what?
Silence…. Seconds feel like hours, and then my screen tells me…
Danny is typing…
Danny
I don’t know about you but talking to you has had a huge effect on me. I thought it would be easy, but…I was wrong.
Breathe! I need to think. Oh wait… Danny is typing…
Danny
That’s why I had to shut myself away to finish this work. Thoughts of you were distracting me! When you didn’t respond I thought you’d lost interest.
I need to process this; it’s all too much…Danny is typing…Shit…more?
Danny
Say something….
Okay think, think! How do I want this to go? I don’t want to play games. But if I tell him how I’ve been feeling where will it get me? If I tell him, we will just be two people feeling shitty and uncertain on opposite sides of the Atlantic. How will that help? But then it occurs to me, that’s what we already are. I’ve nothing to lose.
Olivia
It’s had a huge effect on me too.
Tears begin to fall silently down my cheeks. In for a penny, in for a pound…if he never talks to me again, he may as well at least know what he has done to me.
Olivia
I was OK you know. Then one message from you put me right back to that day. The day you left. I’ve realised I never got over it.
Danny is typing…
Danny
I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just…I never got over it either. I had no idea you would feel like this. I thought if I made contact after all this time, we could be friends.
Olivia
We have no choice; I just don’t know if I can do it.