Authors: Kerry Heavens
Refreshed, I head downstairs. I need to grab a bite to eat before I start my shift and I need to bounce this off Max.
"Well, add him then!" Max is wide-eyed and excited. "I mean, how can you not? He was your first love, he didn't do anything to hurt you…well you know, apart from leaving…and now he wants to talk to you. You have to do this. Gimmie your phone!" He lunges towards my back pocket where he knows full well my iPhone is hiding.
"Hey! I wanted your opinion, not a wrestle.” I defensively slap him away.
"Well my opinion is, do it, do it now!" God, he’s like a hyper puppy.
"Okay, okay, I’ll add him and see what he has to say." I try to walk away.
He steps across the doorway. "Nope! NOW! If you think you’re walking away from this Liv, you’re out of your mind." He folds his arms and gives me his best stern face.
"Alright, but I don't know what to say to him." Where do I even start?
"Just add him, put your phone away and see if he has anything to say."
"I can't just do that Max. It’s been twelve years; I should say something to him. But I have no idea where to begin."
"Okay, well he says he was reminded of you today, ask him why. Here." He snatches my phone out of my pocket and holds it too high for me to reach. Damn it, I’m short!
He finds the message and begins typing a response. "MAX!" I yell, trying to climb him.
"I'll let you read it before I send it," he says as if he’s speaking to a child. "There." Pleased with himself, he hands me back the phone.
Olivia Harper 23
rd
March 2012
Hey yourself!
Reminded of me how? I am reminded of you often.
Liv x
"Max! I can't say that, he might be married for God's sake!"
The idea of Danny being married briefly slices me in two. I recover quickly. I have thought of this scenario before, although then he was almost a mythical creature. Right now, via Facebook, he is alive and well and wants to 'chat'.
"He's not married," Max snorts.
"Well okay, maybe, but he just wants to chat. I can't say I think of him often, he'll think I'm a crazy person."
I ponder my choices whilst staring into the middle distance. Then, on impulse, I quickly delete the bit about thinking of him often and send the amended message before I can change my mind. Then I click on his name and hit + Add Friend. Fuck, I feel sick. I look up at Max, struck mute with anxiety.
"What did you do?" he asks, sensing my rash behaviour. I silently hand him the phone.
Olivia Harper 23
rd
March 2012
Hey yourself! Reminded of me how?
Liv x
I think I need to lie down again!
"Good girl!" He’s almost giddy. "I can't wait to see what he has to say, this is brilliant."
"What makes you think I’ll tell you? You’re nothing but trouble. Look at what you’ve made me do already. This is a disaster!"
"Disaster, what are you talking about? He might still be in love with you, I might have helped."
"You have a vivid imagination Max, that was all over a long time ago. If he were in love with me he wouldn't have waited twelve years to tell me. Anyway, I think we are getting ahead of ourselves a little here." I have to end this conversation before I start to entertain the possibilities.
It is in the past. I’m over it. A relationship is not what I want right now. Even if it were a possibility. I really can't go back there again. Immediately I start to regret responding. Thankfully, it’s time to start work, I put my phone on silent and stomp into the bar.
Mid-shift, the bar is packed. It’s so busy in fact that we have stopped letting people in for now. The distraction is welcome. I realise that I haven't thought about Danny for a few hours.
Oh God! Maybe he’s responded!
Suddenly my phone is burning a hole in my back pocket. I should have left it upstairs. Now I am fighting the urge to sneak a peek. I can't at the moment as it’s too busy, but it’s eating me up.
"Guinness is off," shouts Alex, one of the bar staff.
"I'll do it," I yell.
As I’m fumbling with the hose, I curse. I hate this job, it’s what I pay the guys for. I only came out here to look at my phone, but my conscience makes me do the job at hand first.
There, I return to the bar and give Alex the thumbs up and then signal five fingers, telling him I’m taking a short break. He nods.
Out in the garden, I shiver, but the cool air feels great. I sit on the chair by the back door and finally take out my phone.
Danny Morgan has accepted your friend request.
You have 1 new message from Danny Morgan.
Oh crap!
The dread creeps in. I was excited to see his name, thrilled that he wanted to contact me. But the reality of the situation is that I’ve never loved anyone liked I loved him. No one has ever even come close. I made a good show of getting over him. But I know deep down, I never actually did.
I buried this whole situation years ago and outside of a relevant anecdote or two I’ve never spoken of it again. Max always suspected I was toughing it out, but I would tell him he was stirring and change the subject, and eventually it went away. Now it’s back in all of its horrifying glory and I am going to have to deal with it. What does he want? I didn't realise I was still so affected by the thought of him and the realisation is unwelcome.
Trying not to hold any of this against him, I open the message.
Danny Morgan 23
rd
March 2012
Well hello stranger!
I’ve never searched for you on here. I wasn't even sure it was you…Have you pierced your face??
Danny x
Shit! While I’ve been working the last few hours, I’ve given him unfettered access to my profile. It didn't even occur to me, what has he seen? I should have gone through it before I added him. Mind you, I don't have too much on there. I hardly use Facebook for me; I mainly use Lady Luck's profile. It says on my profile where I work, so if he was so inclined, he could learn more about me, through our open page. But my profile is quite minimal. Still, I am at a serious disadvantage now. Obviously, he is going to have had a good poke around everything he’s had access to and I can't do the same. It’s Friday night and I expect to be here until at least 2am. I glance at my watch, ugh! It’s 10.20pm. This is going to be a long night. I must get back to the bar. I hit reply.
Olivia Harper 23
rd
March 2012
Yes it's me…and yes it's pierced…are you judging me?
You have an unfair advantage, I’m at work. No more Facebook stalking until I can snoop around your profile!!!
Liv x
I re-read the message; I try to sound playful not panicked. Whether I succeeded is difficult to say. But I can't dwell on it, I have to work. I hit send and return to reality.
We stay busy until closing, mercifully. So the uncertainty I feel has no time to weigh heavy on my shoulders. But now the doors are closed and I’m a woman possessed. I whip the team into a frenzy, cleaning down for tomorrow. I need to get upstairs and not to sleep. I’m wired from the anxiety and too much caffeine, and I'm not working tomorrow. I’m going to spend the night reacquainting myself with my first love. I know from skype-ing Grace that when I finish a late one, it is evening in LA, so he might be free to respond.
Although I can hardly allow the thought, I’m thrilled at the prospect. What am I doing? This is not going to be good for me I just know it. But I’m committed now. I bound up the stairs in spite of the time and the eight-hour shift I’ve just pulled. Adrenaline pumping, I put my coffee down on the table and haul my laptop into my lap.
You have 1 new message from Danny Morgan.
Danny Morgan 23rd March 2012
If you say so ;-)
Danny x
Right, the gloves are off now, let the stalking commence! Clicking on his name, I’m rewarded with his full profile.
He works at Morgan Software, his own company. I click on the company name link and the browser takes me to his website. It’s all pretty slick and I’ve no idea what it is he does exactly, but it looks like he’s an Independent Software Developer undertaking a range of projects for some big companies. Some I know well and others just by name, but it’s an impressive client list.
In the 'About Us' section, there’s a short bio answering some of my questions. The headshot he uses is the same as his Facebook profile picture. In this context, his smile looks less like one of fondness and more like one solicited by a photographer. The fact that this is still the only photo I can see tells me that he doesn't fancy himself. I’ve no idea why, he’s gorgeous.
Danny is the owner and there’s no mention of other staff, it’s a small operation started in 2006. Based in Santa Monica, they offer a baffling array of 'Bespoke Solutions' to problems I never knew existed. Then I am lost in tech spiel, this isn't going to tell me anything about him except that he’s way smarter than me, so I navigate back to Facebook.
I look at the first few comments, surprisingly nothing that recent, obviously not addicted to social networking then? A girl called Brooke catches my eye, saying 'It was great to see you last night', but he didn't reply and that was over two months ago. He rarely posts status updates. Right, photos now…
Apart from the half dozen or so profile pictures I have already seen, there are a couple of albums of trips he has taken. One of which was to Vegas, the other a beach trip. The group of friends look roughly the same on both trips, about eight by the looks of it, half girls, half boys. One pretty blonde girl seems to always be near him. I immediately feel a pang of irrational jealousy.
He is not mine
, I remind myself.
Looking at the only other album, ‘Jen and Scott’s Wedding', I’m overcome with relief to find that the pretty blonde is Jen! This is so messed up. I’ve survived the last twelve years by hardly allowing him to cross my mind. Now here I am green with envy about a girl called Jen sitting too near to a man I have no claim over. I need to pull myself together.
His profile gives little away, probably much like my own. Neither of us were ever socialites, but I’m reasonably sure that he’s not in a relationship. But why is he contacting me? Ugh! I sink back into the sofa and cover my eyes with my arm. I glance at the clock, 3.10am. What time is it in LA? My head is swimming and I can’t even remember if they are ahead or behind. I search time differences on the internet and quickly find out that LA is eight hours behind the UK, so it’s 7.10pm yesterday there. I decide to message him.
Olivia Harper 24
th
March 2012
Okay, so I've finished snooping. You don't give much away do you? I have to admit, I don't know what to say to you…How is life?
Liv x
Someone has to get this conversation started. I hit send.
I pour the remains of my coffee in the sink, rinse the cup and add it to the growing pile of diner crockery that must be returned at some point. In spite of the caffeine, I’m beginning to feel overcome with tiredness. I drag myself to the bathroom. While I’m brushing my teeth I hear the laptop ‘bing’, signalling a message. I hurriedly finish and change. Collecting my phone, laptop and a glass of water, I head to bed.
I get comfy under the covers and nervously reopen Facebook. This message has appeared in Chat, as we are both online. The thought of this live connection between us makes my stomach lurch. I’m about to talk to him, okay not hear his voice, but in real time…
Danny
I don't really know what to say to you either. This is weirder than I thought it would be…Life is great! I’m living in Santa Monica, near the beach. I work from home (computer stuff – yawn!) but it leaves me free to do whatever I like, mostly. My parents live nearby; they’re still the same. There’s nothing else to tell really. What about you? You give nothing away either. Apart from the facial piercings! I wasn't expecting that! What is happening in your life?
Olivia
There must be more to tell… My life is good. I'm still here, I never left. I’m a business owner. I have the diner of my dreams, which is doing really well. It’s Connie's old teashop! I took it over when she retired and she and Jack helped me get it off the ground. I live upstairs, have done since my first term at college. Mum and Dave moved to Brighton with Dave’s job and I didn't want to go. Connie let me have the place and I have never left. They’ve stayed in Brighton, it’s lovely; it’s like I’ve a holiday home. Not that I get any time off. It’s pretty full-on running your own business. Grace lives in LA too, Venice. You should look her up!
Danny
Way to go you! I always knew you’d do it. I did look at where you worked while I was ‘Facebook stalking’, but I didn't realise you own the place. Is it really Connie’s? I wouldn't have recognised the place, it looks huge, way bigger than I remember. It’s really amazing. I’d love to come and see it one day. You must be so proud of yourself. I might pass on Grace though, is she still a nightmare?
Ignoring his comment about seeing the bar one day, I press on, he was just being polite.
Olivia
Haha! No, she’s settled right down. She married Andy. Do you remember him? They met at drama school. They have both done some TV acting in the UK, but Andy is doing really well. He was cast in a clichéd Brit mob film and his career took off. They live in LA now and while he has a steady stream of work, Grace has become a stay at home ‘mom’. Baby No.2 is on the way. The diner has expanded; I have a bar too, next door, that’s why it looks bigger.