Just Human (31 page)

“Oh. Well, do you know any big boys who would like a Spiderman?”

He looks at me, realising I’m pulling his leg and smiles. He turns to Grace and asks for confirmation.

“Is it for me?”

Grace nods.

“It’s for me,” he says to me, as if I was stupid to suggest otherwise.

“Say thank you,” Grace says with a nudge.

“Thanks Livvy!” he shouts, then hands it to Andy, who sets about the protracted process of extracting a toy from a box.

Everyone starts chatting and I feel like I’m hogging the baby. But everyone else is doing things, so I keep hold of her.

Danny leans in again.

“She’s so small,” he says with wonder.

“I know,” I agree. I watch him as he takes in every detail of her. “Do you want to hold her?”

To my surprise, Danny nods.

“Can I?”

“Of course,” I say, taken aback. I turn in my chair and pass her into his waiting arms. He’s cautious, but surprisingly at ease with her. I stare at them; baby Mia opens her eyes and Danny mouths ‘Hello’ to her. Something inside me clenches, I’m certain it must be my ovaries or some other reproductive part of me jumping to attention. They are beautiful together and despite myself, all my hairs stand on end. I pull myself together before he notices and remind myself that although I want children, I’ve never heard the ticking of an internal clock. I’ve found the man of my dreams and I’m more than satisfied with that right now. Danny looks at me and smiles nervously, he seems just as surprised by all this as I am, and maybe he isn’t going to freak out about it after all.

Eventually, it’s my mum’s turn again and she relieves Danny of little Mia. Danny holds my hand and strokes his thumb back and forth. We sit quietly listening to Grace and Andy filling Connie in on the events that brought Mia into the world. I glance at Danny and catch him staring at me. He gives me a small, shy smile and squeezes my hand. During a lull in conversation, Andy offers to get everyone a coffee. Danny offers to help him and he kisses my knuckles and lets me go, following Andy out of the room.

I watch as he disappears from view and linger a moment longer, thinking how amazing he is, When I turn away, I realise Grace is staring at me, her jaw is hanging open and she’s fanning herself with an envelope. I roll my eyes at her and she laughs. She comes over and settles into the chair beside me, while Mum and Connie are distracted with Mia and Matty.

“Oh my God, Liv! If I’d have known he was living round the corner, looking like that, I might have ditched Andy and looked him up myself.”

“Stop it!” I laugh, slapping her arm. “You’ve just given birth, what’s the matter with you?”

“I know but,
hello
!” she jokes. “And did you see him with Mia?”

“Yes, I saw him with Mia,” I say taking a deep breath while a shiver of desire washes over me at the memory.

“It’s like that black and white poster I used to have, of the hot man with the baby!”

“Don’t,” I warn, barely holding it together, I don’t need encouragement.

“I always thought he was pretty ordinary, but he’s gorgeous now, how did that happen? And head over heels for you, I can tell.”

Matty comes to my rescue and distracts Grace and I have a moment to reflect. When the boys get back with trays of coffee and cakes, Grace leans in and says under her breath, “When I get out of here, I want to know
everything
.”

We stay a while longer, then Andy takes Mum, Matty and Connie home and Danny and I leave too so that Grace can rest.

We drive away from the hospital in silence; my stomach is in knots because Danny has gone back into weird silent mode again, since going off with Andy. I don’t know what’s eating him, but I’m afraid to ask. I still think it’s just that he assumes I’ll get all broody. But it might be something worse. I’m running through all the possibilities when he pulls the car over on a quiet street and switches off the engine. He turns in the seat so that he’s facing me.

“Why have we stopped?” I ask, at a loss.

“We need to talk.”

“Couldn’t it wait ’til we got home?”

“No.” He looks so serious.

Panic rises in me; I feel I have to get in first.

“Danny, if this is because of being at the hospital, you have to know…”

“I want us to have a baby,” he blurts.

Silence falls in the car as the dust settles from this revelation. I’m completely without words. I look at him, and he looks terrified.

“I…” I try to form a sentence and fail miserably.

“I know it’s such early days. But at the hospital, I just...”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing, I thought he was freaking out because he didn’t want a baby, instead he was freaking out because he
did
want one, with me! I can’t think of anything to say. I was so ready to defend myself and assure him I’m not one of these girls, I’m finding it difficult to change gears and entertain this sudden concept.

I look around us; we’re sat on a quiet residential street, sitting at the curb, changing our lives. This is crazy; we need to talk about this, but not here.

“Can we go somewhere and talk about this?” I ask.

“Home?”

Not there, I think, we need to keep sex out of this.

“A bar or something, where we can sit in a corner and talk.”

Danny nods sullenly and starts the engine.

Twenty.

Danny.

You’re such a girl!

I’m such a fucking idiot, I curse myself as I drive. Liv sits silently beside me, probably planning her escape. I drive us to a quiet bar I know of, where we won’t see any of my friends. At the door to the bar, we have an awkward moment where we both insist the other goes first. In the end, I hold the door open and follow her in. We choose a corner with sofas to sit down and I leave her to get us drinks without asking what she’ll have. I know she’ll have a rum and Coke and I have the same. I’ve already decided I’m leaving the car here; I need to get really drunk.

Sitting at a safe distance from Liv on the same sofa, I hand her, her drink and take a good slug of mine. She isn’t talking and if she was I’m certain I don’t want to hear what she’ll have to say. I’ve screwed this up big time. There I was worrying about the fact that I was thinking about marriage again. Then we went to the baby store today and I got to thinking, about babies and our future. I watched how she got with all the small clothes and I just really wanted it to be us, marriage or not. I realised that I want our future to start as soon as possible. Then when she had the baby in her arms at the hospital, I almost said it there, in front of everyone. At least then I showed some restraint.

But driving home, I couldn’t put it off any longer, I could hardly look at her, so I pulled over and got myself into this mess. I tried to go easy; I didn't want to reveal it all in one go. I was going to say something like, I’ve been thinking about our future blah, blah'. But she started saying something and I thought she was shutting me down, so it just came out. ‘I WANT US TO HAVE A BABY’…I blurted out…to Liv! Maybe deep down I want this to fail, why else would I scare her like that. I close my eyes and sigh. This is so bad. I couldn’t have done anything more stupid. But all the buildup since that moment at the airport has made me crazy. I just started thinking, what if she doesn’t give me the chance to tell her what I want or how I feel again. I could spend the rest of my life with the same regrets I have lived with the last twelve years. I couldn’t let that happen. A marriage proposal is my irrational fear, so for some reason, in my panic, I felt like proposing to start a family would terrify her less.

I feel a shifting on the sofa next to me; Liv has moved closer and is looking at me expectantly.

“A baby?” she asks. Her tone softer than I imagined it would be.

I nod, regretting my impulsiveness. I’ve put her in an awkward situation now, she feels like she needs to let me down gently.

“Now?”

“No. But, you know, one day,” I mumble, sounding like I’m backtracking. I shouldn’t backtrack completely. I should say what I mean. It can't make things worse. “I was hoping, one day soon, though,” I add, knowing I’m sealing my fate.

Liv sighs heavily and drops back against the sofa. Here it comes. Then, from nowhere, she throws her arm across her eyes and starts to laugh. I watch her. What the hell is this about?

Her laughter eventually subsides and she looks at me.

“Of course, one day soon,” she says and laughs again.

I rub my temples. Then look up at her again as it sinks in.

“Wait…of course?”

She nods. “Of course.”

“You want to have a baby?”

“I want to have a baby…with you…one day…soon,” she says still laughing.

“You do? Really?” I try not to sound like an overexcited kid.

“Why would I not? I love you, you love me, and we are together forever as far as I’m concerned. Of course I want kids and I don’t want to wait long, I’m thirty soon.” She climbs across my lap and settles herself against the arm of the sofa with her legs over mine. Our faces are close and now our conversation is more intimate.

I shake my head, trying to take this in.

“So why was that so funny?”

“Because,” she says, “you went all quiet earlier while we were shopping and then again at the hospital and I thought you were freaking out that I was going to get all broody and want a baby.” She laughs. “I thought I was going to have a hard time convincing you that that isn’t who I am.”

“So you don’t want baby?” I’m confused again.

“No, I do! I want the works, but not in a pressure-y, maniac way. Just as it comes.”

“So, sorry, I need to get my head around this. Why did we need to come here and talk?”

“Because I didn’t want to decide our future on a curb-side.” She touches my face.

“And why couldn’t we go home?”

“Because I thought you’d want to jump my bones and I wanted to talk.”

Now I laugh.

“I always want to jump your bones.” I wrap my hand around her neck and bring her face even closer to mine. “So…are we deciding our future?” I ask, marvelling at how we’ve got here from where we were five minutes ago.

“I’d say it’s pretty decided, wouldn’t you?” she smiles.

“I have no idea,” I admit. “I thought we were breaking up.”

“Why on earth would we be breaking up?”

“Because I freaked you out.”

“I’m not freaked out. I want what you want, I’m happy as long as we’re together.”

I kiss her, so relieved that I haven’t just thrown it all away.

“Let’s go home,” I say into her lips. “I want to jump your bones.”

“You always want to jump my bones,” she grins, kissing me back. She swings her legs round and reaches for her drink. “Aren’t you going to finish your drink?”

“I don’t need it now,” I say, standing to take her home.

While Liv sleeps, I creep out onto the terrace and sit in the afternoon sun. I feel so energised, but then I have a lot to think about. We just decided something vague but very important about our future and then had amazing sex. How can I sleep after that? I text Jen.

‘Are you guys free for dinner tonight? x’

‘With you? Always. J x’

‘Meet at 8pm, the usual? x’

‘Great. Is tonight the night I get to meet Liv?’

‘If you’re good. ;-) x’

We ease in through the crowd at the bar; it’s less busy as we move down. Jen is sitting at a table, checking her cell. She looks up as we approach.

“Hey!” she cries, her face lighting up. She hugs and kisses me and then turns to Liv. “I can’t believe I am finally meeting you!” She grabs Liv in a huge hug. “I feel like I already know you!”

I shake my head, peeling them apart. “Okay, leave her alone, she gets the picture.” Then Scott appears.

“Can anyone join in?” he jokes and wraps his arms around us all.

“Liv, this is Jen and this is Scott,” I say reluctantly.

“It’s lovely to meet you both,” Liv says as we sit down.

Everyone settles down and the conversation flows easily. Liv fits naturally in with us. I stop worrying about Scott’s terrible jokes or Jen revealing too much about me. Now I know, although I needed no more reassurance, that she’s the one and only girl for me. Scott and I bring drinks back to the girls who are deep in conversation.

“So Liv, Danny was telling us about your bar and restaurant. It sounds wonderful,” Jen says.

“It’s hard work, but I love it,” replies Liv. “It’s quite a lot like this place.” They talk, like old friends. Scott and I listen for a while, but eventually, we tune out and talk football. We choose some food and I go up to the bar to order. Jen joins me for the half-time team talk.

“I love her,” she whispers, conspiratorially.

“Of course you do, she’s perfect,” I say, glancing back at the table. “I need your help,” I whisper, turning back to her, my face serious.

“With?”

“Choosing a ring,” I say and then slowly smile.

Jen’s face breaks into a huge smile and she almost jumps up and down. I look at her in wide-eyed horror.

“Keep cool!” I warn her through gritted teeth.

“Sorry!” she whispers, looking back to see if she has given it away, but Liv and Scott are deep in conversation.

“Oooh! I’m so excited for you! So what are we talking here? Tiffany, Harry Winston?"

"Something unconventional. That's all I have," I shrug apologetically.

"It's okay, I can work with that. Budget? Never mind, you can afford what she deserves."

"Okay, now I'm worried," I laugh, but in truth, I can and I want her to have the earth. She would be over the moon with that little chip I bought her twelve years ago and I’m sure she doesn't really class herself as the kind of girl who would need 'the rock'. But I want to spoil her; she deserves 'the rock', just not the type of rock all the other girls have, something ‘Liv’.

Jen smiles. "I'm so proud of you,” she says rubbing my shoulder.

"I'm just grateful I have you to tell me what to do, or I'd still be the wreck I was when we met."

"So when are we doing this. Tomorrow?" she asks enthusiastically.

"Well Liv is looking after her nephew in the afternoon, can you get away?"