Authors: Kerry Heavens
Talking about my relationship with Danny, I can't help but realise how lucky I am. He’s the love of my life and having reconciled myself with the fact that he was gone forever, I’ve got my Danny back for good. I suddenly feel overwhelmingly like I want to be with him right now. I'm supposedly meeting him at the party so that I can spend the afternoon with Grace, but I will admit it’s also a little bit of petty punishment. It’s such a stupid game to play and right now I have to close the distance between us.
"Listen," I say to Grace. "Andy knows where this restaurant is doesn't he?"
"Yes."
"I'm going to go home and get ready."
"Okay," Grace shrugs. "If that's what you want to do, we'll meet you there."
"I just really want to see him. I've been a bit shitty with him the last few days and I don't want to go to his farewell party with it still in the air. I just want to tell him that I love him and I trust him." I feel it’s so important to resolve this suddenly, so that we can start afresh.
"I think you should." says Grace, squeezing my hand. "Take my car.”
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, we only needed it if you were coming with us. We’ll all fit in the big car without you."
"Thanks." I jump to my feet. I collect my dress and then kiss Grace. "See you at the party."
"Okay, see you later.”
I hang my dress in the back of Grace's car and start the engine. I’m desperate to resolve this. I’ve been holding onto a bad feeling for two days, keeping Danny at a distance, and for what? I love him and I know I can trust him. It's not fair that I have made him think that I don't.
As I pull into the apartment complex my stomach is in knots. I hope he’s willing to forgive my sulking. I want to move on. I jump out, leaving my stuff in the car. I have urgent business to attend to right now, I'll get ready later. Smiling to myself, I hurry for Danny's front door. The bedroom light is on and I can see him moving around through the gap in the curtains.
Freezing, I realise it isn't Danny I can see. Brooke is standing in Danny's bedroom, slowly removing her clothes. She’s down to some slutty underwear and still going, smiling…at Danny obviously. I can’t see him, but I know he’s there. This is really happening. My world comes crashing down around me. I feel a sharp pain inside me, as the reality of what I am seeing hits home. For a moment I stand and stare, absorbing the devastation.
I realise I’m fighting for breath and I turn in a daze and run back to the car. Fumbling at the handle, I wrench open the door and jump in. I struggle to start the engine in my panic, tears streaming down my face. I throw the car into reverse and manhandle it out onto the road. I drive away recklessly and have to slam on the brakes as I almost collide with another car. Unthinking, I drive myself away without registering my journey, or how long it takes me. But, remarkably, I find my way safely to a familiar lookout point over the Pacific. I bring the car to a stop and stumble out just in time before I throw up.
I sob loudly on my knees in the light of Grace’s headlights. Thankfully the place is deserted. I heave in fresh air, unable to regulate my breathing. But I feel nothing except for utter loss. Picking myself up off the floor, I feel my way back into the car, rest my head on the steering wheel and let go.
A while later, I’ve no idea how long, my mind begins to function again. What am I going to do? Danny has betrayed me. I can’t feel anything through the numbness of the betrayal, but I know that what lies beyond is pure agony and I can’t experience it here. I need to be at home with Max. I’m suspended in an awful state of nothingness, knowing that I will never recover from this and I just want Max. I weep again.
I glance at the clock. I don’t know what to do now. I can’t go back to Grace’s. I can’t face anyone. The party starts in an hour. I sit for an eternity, barely thinking, just surviving. I need to go home. All my things are in that apartment and I can never see him again. The pain of seeing him would kill me. I need my passport, but he can’t know I’m leaving. I can’t face confronting him about what I saw and I’m too weak to fight about leaving. Anyway, he doesn’t deserve to know I’m gone, let him worry. The anger is fleeting though; I’m too devastated about the loss. I swallow hard, as I almost throw up again.
I gather my thoughts and force myself to think about what to do. I need to wait for him to leave for the party; Jen and Scott are picking him up. Then I have a small window to run in and grab my things before they all realise I haven’t arrived with any of them. I don’t want my family to worry, I’ll let them know I’m leaving, but not until I’m safely gone. I can’t risk anyone trying to stop me. Wiping my face, I reverse the car back onto the road and reluctantly head back.
I pull up in the complex, parking out of the way so that I can watch the door without being seen. I sit for a while, numb and vacant and then another car startles me. Suddenly I panic that she might still be in there, but surely he wouldn’t take the risk, not with Jen due to arrive any time. I wonder for a moment whether it’s just a last fling before he leaves. Then it occurs to me that he might be planning to leave me to be with her. Shaking my head at the idea, I tell myself he’s packing to go. In the end it doesn’t matter.
Scott’s car pulls up next to Danny’s truck and Jen gets out. She goes in for a minute then they both come out. Seeing Danny is like being ripped apart, I can’t stand the thought of never seeing him again. Despite the pain I feel, I want to run to him, I have lost my love. Fighting the emotion, I watch him get in the car and I know that is the last time I will ever see him. I wait as they drive away, watching until they disappear into the distance.
I shakily climb out of Grace’s car and go to the door. With trembling hands, I let myself in and pause in the hallway. It all looks the same, but nothing will ever feel the same again. I make my way into the bedroom, but thinking about what happened here this evening, I lose again and just make it to the bathroom in time. I wash my face at the sink and catch sight of myself in the mirror. I look like a ghost. Taking a deep breath, I collect my thoughts. I can’t be here and I don’t have much time.
My case is packed, except a few things I still needed. I throw them in and fill my handbag with everything else. Checking I have my passport and purse, I pull my case out into the hall. I briefly consider leaving a note, but what would I write? I’m too hurt to give him what he deserves and I would rather he was sick with worry right now. I head to the door and turn to take one last look around; something catches my eye in the kitchen. A gift bag is sitting alone on the kitchen side. I cross the hall and pick it up. It’s from a jewellers and it’s empty.
He bought her jewellery! I heave, but quickly pull myself together. Screwing it up, I throw the box in the bin and kick it in frustration. I have to get out of here; I drop the spare key he gave me on the hall table and pull the door closed behind me. Loading my case into the car, I realise, it’s Grace’s car and I have to return it. I rifle through my handbag, certain I still have the number for the cab company I called last week when Danny was in his meeting and I needed to go out. Thankfully, I do and when I get my phone out to call them, I find I’ve a missed call and a message from Danny. I can’t listen to it, hearing his voice will finish me. But I can’t delete it without listening to it…my phone won’t let me. This is unbearable. I clear the notification; I’ll deal with it later. I dial the number and book a taxi from Grace’s to the airport.
I shove the loose stuff I have in the back of the car into my case, except the dress. I bought it to look special for Danny tonight; I never want to see it again. I’ll leave it there. Grace can have it. I drive over to Grace’s house and pull up cautiously in case they haven’t left yet. The car has gone, so I park up and go in the house. Leaving my case in the hall, I go in search of paper and a pen.
I quickly write a note to them all.
Please don’t worry about me…I’ve gone home. I couldn’t stay, I’m so sorry.
Please give Auntie Liv kisses to my babies.
I’ll call you tomorrow.
Liv x
I have to wipe fresh tears away as I fold the note and stand it in front of the TV, so I pull a few sheets of kitchen roll off to take with me, just as I hear the cab pull up.
The driver carries my case and I lock up the house, posting the keys back through the door. I walk away, there’s no going back now.
“LAX,” I tell the driver and he pulls away. We drive in silence and I think for the first time about Connie. I’m leaving her to fly home alone and suddenly I feel terrible but I know she’ll understand. Then I realise I have a ticket I may be able to transfer, so I rummage around to find it in my bag.
It is difficult to read in the flickering streetlights as we speed along. I’ll just have to see when I get there but I don’t care if I have to buy a new ticket. I can’t stay here a minute longer. The driver asks me which terminal and gets in lane. The airport is busy when we pull up, but I feel like the only person on earth, walking through the sliding doors. I desperately need Max now, but calling him will open the floodgates, so I have to wait until I see him.
I head over to the BA desk and exchange my ticket with no problem; it only costs a few pounds. The flight leaves in an hour and ten minutes. I look at my watch. They’ll all know I haven’t shown up now, panic sets in. This is the point where they might come looking and now I am stuck until I take off. I just have to hope they don’t try to catch me up. I check my ticket, we board in forty minutes, and I don’t think that is enough time to catch me. Drifting through security, I wonder what he’s feeling right now.
I sit, scanning the crowd anxiously waiting for the flight to be called. I switched my phone off after I called the cab, so I have no idea if they have tried to call me. Finally, we begin boarding and, once I settle into my seat, I begin to relax. He hasn’t followed me. I look at my ticket; I will arrive home at 14:50 tomorrow afternoon, UK time. I don’t know how to begin working that out. My mind is so clouded. I just know it’s a long flight and a big time difference. I rest my head on the back of my seat waiting for the rest of the passengers to find their seats.
Once the crew begins their safety talk and we push back off the stand, I know for sure I’ve got away. I’m also thankful that the flight is only half full and sitting in the window seat, I have two empty seats next to me. As the cabin lights go down for take off, I close my eyes and let go.
I step out of the cab outside the diner and pay the driver. Taking a deep breath, I push open the diner door and step inside. Everyone is busy so I head straight through, not seeing Max. I enter my code and open the door, but I am stopped in my tracks by Max’s voice.
“Liv! Everyone’s been so worried.”
I turn to face him. His expression is a mix of anger and concern as he walks towards me and holds out his arms. I collapse into them, sobbing.
“Good God, Liv,” he says, holding me tight. “What’s happened?”
Epilogue.
Danny.
I have finished packing up the apartment and split the boxes into two piles: one for shipping and one for storing, to help my dad. I met a guy earlier about the Shelby, I think I've decided to sell, but I wanted to get it properly valued before I leave. The only thing I have to do is give notice on my apartment, I’ve typed the letter up but Dad is going to drop it in for me; I've simply run out of time.
I leave out my clothes for tonight, run the shower and glance again at the engagement ring. I’m feeling anxious about it now even though I know it won't be like last time. I wish we were going to the party together though, then I wouldn't have that ‘what-if-she-doesn't-turn-up’ feeling. But, in a few hours, I hope to have said goodbye to most of my friends, and be in bed with my fiancé. I smile at the thought as the hot water runs over me.
Deep in thought about how I’m going to put how I feel into words, I rub a towel over my hair and brush my teeth. Wrapping the towel around my waist, I stroll out into the bedroom. I stagger back as I come face to face with Brooke, dressed only in heels and her go-to underwear, lying on my bed. She smiles seductively at me.
“What the fuck!” I yell, so shocked, I don’t know what else to say.
“Hey,” she purrs.
“Brooke, what the fuck is this? How did you get in here?”
“I took your spare key,” she says, twiddling it between her fingers. “I thought you needed a little persuading.”
“Get out!” This isn’t happening.
“Danny, you know you won’t be happy leaving with that girl,” she says softly. “We’re good together.”
“This has gone far enough, you’re crazy! Now I’m going to say it once more, GET OUT or I’ll call the cops.” Brooke just looks at me. Not believing me for one second.
“I mean it Brooke, I’ll call the cops. Harassment, breaking and entering, not great qualities for a teacher, you’d lose your job.”
“You’ve changed,” she strops, sitting up.
“Not soon enough apparently. Now, get your clothes on and get OUT!” Then, to make it perfectly clear that I mean what I say, I grab my cell from the dresser. I hold it up and enter the number. “I’m waiting Brooke,” I say, hovering over the send key.
“Jesus Danny, I just want you to see what a mistake you are making with this girl,” she says, getting up and half-heartedly picking up her clothes.
“I don’t ever want to see or hear from you again, do you hear me?”
“Loosen up,” she scoffs.
“GET OUT!” I yell and shove her towards the door as she slips her dress back on. “Key,” I demand, holding out my hand. She stares at me in shock. “Stay away from me. I mean it, or I’ll report this and you can kiss your career goodbye.”
She fixes me with a deadly look.
“Fuck you Danny!” she screams and hurls the key at me.
I watch her stomp towards the front door and wonder briefly if I should report this anyway. She could turn it on me, say I did something awful to her, just to get back at me and I have no witnesses. Maybe the school board would be interested to know what sort of person she really is outside school. She isn’t worth my time, I decide, as the door slams shut behind her. Turning my thoughts to Liv and my promise to be completely honest with her from now on, I pick up my cell again, deleting 911 and selecting her number. It rings a few times and then I hear her voice. ‘This is Liv, leave a message’.